DH told MIL about the baby - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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and it went HORRIBLY. This is our 4th baby and our first planned pregnancy. We're very excited about it and DH told his mother over the phone last night. She responded "When is it due?" in a cold voice and then changed the subject. This morning I got a call from her DH asking for our address, so I'm assuming she's going to write us a letter telling us how she "feels." I'm such an emotional mess.

She actually told DH she would PAY for him to have a vasectomy once she found out we were having our 2nd. I mean, this is how extreme she is. Then she cried (not tears of joy) when we told her about our 3rd. Everything is about money and stability to them so we're apparently being stupid since DH isn't in his dream career and own a house.

We LOVE OUR KIDS and they are a blessing. So why does she care so much? I just want to cry and I haven't even received the letter yet. Ugh.

Grace: Massage Therapist, YL Essential Oils Educator, and busy homeschooling mama to 4 babes.
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#2 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 02:12 PM
 
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This woman has no class!

Personally, I'd consider not reading the letter. Who needs that kind of "support" from family??

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and his rainbow1284.gif baby brother (7/2011)
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#3 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 02:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puffnstuff View Post


This woman has no class!

Personally, I'd consider not reading the letter. Who needs that kind of "support" from family??
Yeah, burn it, unopened!

*sorry, didn't realize I was ddc crashing!*

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#4 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 02:33 PM
 
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forum crashing. I saw this in the new posts, and I couldnt not respond.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Its really annoying to be so excited and have someone be completely unsupportive.
I would tell her that it doesnt matter how she "feels" about this, because this is not about her. Its not the MIL show, its your pregnancy and she can either be supportive or she can butt out and keep her opinions to herself. It is ridiculous for her to assume that you care how she feels about your desicion. I would seriously return to sender that letter she sends you.

My MIL is the exact same way. Her response to us telling her I was pregnant with DD was "You guys are kidding, right? What about health insurance". We had been together for 7 years, married for 1.5 and had told everyone we were trying to have a baby. Whenever we mention having more kids, her response is always either "joking" or judgemental. She told me that I at least needed to wait unti DD was able to do things for herself, like "get herself on the school bus".(little does she know, DD will probably never ride a bus, much less go to school) She has some opinion that I am the one who wants all these kids, and Im trying to stick her son with all this responsibility. (he wants 5...)

s. and Congrats on number 4!!!!

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#5 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 02:59 PM
 
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I am sorry~ That is just awful! :-(

Kellina~ Wife & Christian SAHomeschooling Mama-to 8 GREAT children!   

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#6 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 03:13 PM
 
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What is the deal with boomer-generation folk passing judgment on anyone who has more than 2 kids? My mother fed me some of the same crap, though not in a mean way, obviously she will be happy to have another grandchild, but she only had 2 kids and she thinks of that as the norm and clearly looks down on big families ... and I'm just like, WTF? She said (sorry to hijack -- recounting my own experience to let you know you're not alone), "I hope this one is a girl so you'll stop at 3" and I was like, the gender will not affect whether we have more or not.

I don't understand the whole obsession with "money and stability" that some of our parents' generation seem to have. My mom said something to me a while back about how "kids get more expensive as they get older" to try to deter us from having another child and I was like, um, kids need food, clothing, shelter, education, and love. None of those things has to be expensive and just because you chose to give us material things instead of the love and attention we needed does not mean I have to do things the same way. (I did not say that to her, that's just what I was thinking). She is still happy for us and will still adore the baby, but it's clear that to some extent she disapproves of having more than 2 children (and spacing them less than 3 years apart, etc.).

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with naysayers on what should be a joyful occasion, especially because they are *grandparents* and should not be anything but overjoyed at the prospect of having another grandchild!

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#7 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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Oh my gosh, that's terrible!

I see you're a Christ follower (in siggie). I am too, and my opinion is ...well, we both adhere to the 'leave and cleave' scripture . The fact is, it doesn't matter what his mother thinks, and that's scriptural too. Yes, we are to honor our mother and father but honoring doesn't mean put up with anything unGodly they want to dish out -- and not being happy when you are bringing forth new life into this world is decidedly self-serving, and wrong, not to mention none of her business.

I wouldn't read any letters or entertain any discussion on the matter. That is in your hands and completely within your rights and control. I know this is a highly emotional time, but don't allow her to suck your joy or bring a dark cloud of negativity over your life. If you (or your hubby) must confront her all I would say is something like,

"God has chosen this time for us to have another baby and we trust His timing and His plan. We won't be entertaining any negativity surrounding our pregnancy and pray that you respect that so you can share in our joy with us".

And that's it. You don't have to fight, argue, get upset, get stressed, go back and forth. If she persists, basically tell her that your position stands and when she is willing to act appropriately you will welcome her back into your life.

Be happy. Choose to be happy and choose to not let this affect you. It is within your power to do that. I know it stinks because healthy, reasonable people would be happy to hear this news -- so surround yourself with those people

Congratulations!

Grace-based wife & mama to 2 unschoolers! One & . We live simply & mindfully. Expecting another blessing Feb 2015 Praying for another
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#8 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH LADIES! I really really appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. It has meant so much to me.

Grace: Massage Therapist, YL Essential Oils Educator, and busy homeschooling mama to 4 babes.
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#9 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 04:04 PM
 
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i'd try and ignore her

my MIL told dh that he should get fixed after this baby is born when he told her. this is baby #3. She also told him we should have stopped at 2 kids because we have a girl and boy already.


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#10 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 04:21 PM
 
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Forum crash here too.

When DH told his mom that I was pregnant with our first, she asked, "Are you sure it's yours?"

Now DH and I laugh and say that dd3 is the only one he can be totally sure about (if you put their baby pics together they look almost like the same baby). Dd1 looks like my mother and dd2 looks almost exactly like me.

I wouldn't worry about what she thinks. If you wait for everything to be "perfect" before you have a child you may never get the chance!
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#11 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 09:59 PM
 
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Both of our parents were a very surprised to hear us announce #4 but then again so were we... I wanted a fourth but after being diagnosed with cancer in Nov never thought it would happen. But clearly I digress! My thought is to have you husband read the letter and deal with it. That way it's not like you are ignoring her but he can take it from the protective husband stance. "I didn't want your letter to upset her as we both very excited about this baby." etc

I do think it's weird how people think over 2 children is a lot these days. I am constantly being told by people when I am out with my three kids that, "My do you have your hands full!" Ummm not really my hands are actually empty at the moment...

Quote:
Originally Posted by camracrazy View Post
If you wait for everything to be "perfect" before you have a child you may never get the chance!
And this I completely agree with. Most of our friends are still not even married, let alone having kids which we think is crazy. Life is too short! And you might as well have kids while you still have your health and energy right?

Jess ~mom to DS1 8/05, DS2 6/07, DD 7/09 and one surprise 5/11!
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#12 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 10:04 PM
 
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I am so, so sorry. Unfortunately, I know exactly how it feels. My mother is so amazingly similar to what you just said except for the fact she will lay into to me about what an idiot I am, etc. She didn't want us to have kids at all because they (I mean, my brother and I) ruined her life. Yes, she told us that often. Not meaning to hijack, just wanting you to know you aren't alone.

I am so extremely thankful for forums like this that help me see reality and for good friends. My best friend is having her 5th and I'm beyond thankful to have her in my life. We decided this morning that it was unlikely my mom will come visit us between November and next June so I may just 'surprise' her when she does come and hand her the baby...look what we found!

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#13 of 20 Old 10-11-2010, 11:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post
I would seriously return to sender that letter she sends you.


Some nerve! I wouldn't even open it--who needs that kind of negativity, especially when you're pregnant? Return to sender, indeed.

Hang in there, mama. Stay strong.


-nk
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#14 of 20 Old 10-12-2010, 12:49 AM
 
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I wouldn't open it either. That's sooo unsupportive, immature, and passive aggressive. What exactly does she think anything she has to say will change? You're obviously going to have the baby (and are darn happy about it) and nothing she can say will change that. If she wants to be passive aggressive, I would follow suit and take the unopened letter to the post office to ask that it be returned to sender !

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#15 of 20 Old 10-12-2010, 02:48 AM
 
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At the very least, you could get a SUPPORTIVE friend to read the letter for you and give you the gist, edited for tact, if she/he thinks you should know what it says for any reason. You don't need to put yourself through reading vitriol.

My mother got a lot of flak from her mother for all six of us kids (clearly it didn't stop her!).

#1: Oh no, it wasn't planned, now you'll have to put off going to America for a year!
#2: Another one, so soon? And in a FOREIGN COUNTRY, how awful!
#3: What, again? And in America again? Disaster!
#4: *head explodes*
#5 (after tubal and subsequent reversal): Actual quote: "Oh no, I thought you got that fixed up".
#6 (after seven months of ignoring the subject, when pressed as to why she hadn't asked about the pregnancy): Actual quote: "Oh well, it's a bit of a non-event really".

Funnily enough she LOVES us all now... and she's even done a complete about-face from being horrified Mum was homeschooling to bragging that "her" grandkids have Turned Out So Nicely compared to her friends' public-schooled kids. (Not that PS kids can't turn out well, obviously! Mum did. But I think Grandma expected us to end up as feral children or something...)

Soooo, yeah, does she love your kids once they're born? If not, I just might not inform her of any subsequent pregnancies, for her sake and yours.

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#16 of 20 Old 10-12-2010, 08:58 AM
 
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My vote is to return the letter unopened. Instead of return to sender, maybe make a note on the outside of the envelope about your decision not to read the letter and send that to her in another envelope. And maybe you can add something like my Mom used to say "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Best of luck!

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#17 of 20 Old 10-12-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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HUGS! Niether mine or my dh parents thought we should have any more. I can not count the number of times I heard the "two is enough", or "you have a boy and a girl already". I hope she is not too mean to you! More HUGS!
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#18 of 20 Old 10-12-2010, 04:41 PM
 
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For now let's assume she's just gonna send flowers...

But, if she sends a letter, I would read it because, 1. I would be really curious. But, 2 I think you need to confirm how she feels rather than assume. If she is judgemental about the baby or your husband being vasectomyless...then I would send it back and use it as a perfectly reasonable excuse for you and your family to rarely talk to her. It's not good for the kids to be around a toxic personality that judges the family based on your solid and loving decisions. I might include a post-it note that just simply says, "No thank you. We're not interested in your input. xoxo!"
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#19 of 20 Old 10-14-2010, 01:32 AM
 
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i'm not registered in this ddc yet but due in june. had to respond to this, i see it is compelling for many people. i totally agree with the person who suggested that your dh read and respond to the letter. (i too am too curious not to read letter, but if you can stand not to read it, i think he should. you know... he is her son after all.) and also wanted to say that my friend's in-laws were so awful to her when she had her 3rd child for all the reasons listed above (stop at two, etc) even right after she had the baby... ugh it was sad. anyway i also agree with dot-to-dot about not being around a toxic personality, because my friend still talks about how bad her in-laws were and the baby is 2.5 now. when you have a new baby you need LOVE.
and to the person who's going to surprise her mom with the baby, that's hilarious!
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#20 of 20 Old 10-14-2010, 05:36 AM
 
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(((hugs Mama)))) what a big meanie MIL is.
I have one of those too.

You cant change how she feels, sadly but you can change how you respond to her and the nature of your conversations.
You and hubby might want to sit down and write out a letter to her letting her know that while you understand that she doesnt agree with your choices, she needs to at least be respectful if she wishes to remain included.
You cant change her, but you sure can give her the choice to change how she behaves.

The phone call could've gone like this (based on hubby and I sending her a statement of beliefs letter):

Her-preg again?! negativity-you guys are dumb-wasting your life-blah blah blah
Hubby- If you continue to choose to be disrespectful of our wishes/not support us, then we will have to choose to not include you/try to extend and share our joy with you.

If I were you, Id read the letter objectively (as if it was to someone else), and then would send her one of your 'statement of beliefs' including the fact that you are not explaining yourself out of obligation, but out of respect and wishes to maintain a positive relationship with her, that you are also not obligated to continue to let her be an active part of your family if she chooses to be negative/disresectful.

(for the record- doing this with MIL made our relationship 100x's better and she now keeps her mouth closed when she doesnt agree. she doesnt talk much )
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