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#1 of 25 Old 12-05-2010, 03:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I found out what I was having with my previous two pregnancies and I do not want to find out this time.  I think I have convinced dh to go along with this!  So, the big problem ahead is breaking that news to our families....especially dh's family.  They have been asking since I was 6 weeks along when I was going to find out.  I have just responded with "I don't know."  They *desperately* want a boy.  In their culture I'm already a failure for having two girls, which I have many an issue with, but I refuse to get into it with them.  This could be our last and I really want it to be positive all the way through because of some other extenuating circumstances that aren't under my control (our housing situation and having to move right after baby is born). 

 

If you haven't found out before, how did you tell the family that?  Did you get negative responses?  How do you deal with those??

 

Where can I find some precious neutral baby clothes that aren't green and yellow?  I just know them and they will buy the kid the ugliest things out there so it's better if I direct them.  :)


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#2 of 25 Old 12-05-2010, 06:02 PM
 
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With my DD, my DH wanted to be surprised. Then at the moment of the ultrasound he changed his mind. Well then she wouldn't show and the tech did not want to make a guess. So we told people we tried to find out but baby wouldn't cooperate. We told them the same with DS because we did find out but didn't want to tell anyone else. My DH would tell people he knew but couldn't tell. My "we tried but no luck" got a lot more acceptance. Not that I like to encourage lying, but sometimes people just don't stop. :)


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#3 of 25 Old 12-05-2010, 07:11 PM
 
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We found out w/ our twins, but not w/ the rest. I just said we aren't having U/S's so we won't be finding out. Honestly I could care less what they thought. It was my "deal" :)


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#4 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 01:24 AM
 
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Well, given the cultural fetish for boys thing (which, as one of six girls, rather rankles!), I'd be tempted to say something like "We decided not to find out because we're afraid you might behave badly and embarrass yourselves if you find out we're having another girl". The best defense is a good offense, right? :p

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#5 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 01:36 AM
 
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We've never had a negative response! I guess it's because most of our family is biased toward the 'surprise' since they never had the option with us. :) In fact I'm pretty sure after baby #1 they never even asked, "Are you going to find out?".


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#6 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 06:25 AM
 
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I'm in the opposite situation from you -- I have two boys and everyone desperately wants a girl, esp my MIL who has five grandsons.  I have a strong feeling that this is a girl, but I could be wrong, and I really don't want to have a repeat of last time where I'm 20 weeks pregnant and all I hear from everyone is disappointment that the baby I'm carrying is not a girl.  I gave about 2 minutes' thought to not finding out, but I can't be right there in the room and have someone else know and not find out.  So, what we decided to do is this:  I planted a seed with everyone that we might decide not to find out this time.  We will find out, and if it's a girl I will tell everyone before the birth so they can have their little celebration and be over it by the time she is born.  If it's a boy, we will tell them that we didn't find out, and won't have to deal with their disappointment ... the theory being they are much less likely to express a lot of disappointment after the birth as opposed to after an ultrasound.  Yes, it's duplicitous, but it's their fault for being so gender-obsessed.

 

ETA:  And FWIW, no one reacted negatively when I said we might decide to wait and be surprised this time.


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#7 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 06:39 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

Well, given the cultural fetish for boys thing (which, as one of six girls, rather rankles!), I'd be tempted to say something like "We decided not to find out because we're afraid you might behave badly and embarrass yourselves if you find out we're having another girl". The best defense is a good offense, right? :p



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#8 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 06:48 AM
 
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We are not getting an ultrasound in this pregnancy unless we need one.  If we do end up getting one, we will find out the gender if we can.  If we don't have an ultrasound, obviously we won't know the gender.  So I'm going to approach it from that angle, and I'm guessing we'll get more questions and negativity about not getting an ultrasound than about not finding out the gender.  But I haven't told anyone yet, since we just decided to go the homebirth route and not get the ultrasound.  People have been asking since the moment I told them I was pregnant.  Everyone wants a girl.  It is already annoying me.  Even though I'd kinda like a girl too.


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#9 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 08:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm in the opposite situation from you -- I have two boys and everyone desperately wants a girl, esp my MIL who has five grandsons.  I have a strong feeling that this is a girl, but I could be wrong, and I really don't want to have a repeat of last time where I'm 20 weeks pregnant and all I hear from everyone is disappointment that the baby I'm carrying is not a girl.  I gave about 2 minutes' thought to not finding out, but I can't be right there in the room and have someone else know and not find out.  So, what we decided to do is this:  I planted a seed with everyone that we might decide not to find out this time.  We will find out, and if it's a girl I will tell everyone before the birth so they can have their little celebration and be over it by the time she is born.  If it's a boy, we will tell them that we didn't find out, and won't have to deal with their disappointment ... the theory being they are much less likely to express a lot of disappointment after the birth as opposed to after an ultrasound.  Yes, it's duplicitous, but it's their fault for being so gender-obsessed.

 

ETA:  And FWIW, no one reacted negatively when I said we might decide to wait and be surprised this time.


This sounds SO much like my situation.  After we found out we were having another girl last time, I got responses from family and strangers a like saying "I'm sure your dh is disappointed" and "Oh, maybe you can go for a third" and "Aw, that's too bad."  REALLY???  Too bad????  It was infuriating.  So I guess part of it, too, is that I don't want to have to deal with that.  The trade off is the constant "Oh, maybe it's a boy!!!"  All I say is "That is a 50% possibility" and leave it at that.  I absolutely hate this gender guessing thing and the comments.  I wish people would just be happy it's a baby and hope it's healthy.


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#10 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 09:38 AM
 
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We aren't finding out, I'm ok with either a boy or girl but many have expressed ''how nice it would be if I got a girl''. We have two boys and I love boys....I have been asked if this isn't a girl if we are going to keep trying for a girl...like we got pregnant just to have a girl. As if. I'm trying not to be annoyed. We aren't doing a ''nursery'' this time b/c we just don't have an extra room for it and in our situation it was kind of pointless. I think people kinda freak on that and the fact that if this is a girl we will be using much of what we saved from my 3 y/o ds. It's like if we have a girl we have to go buy all kinds of pink things!!! It's funny b/c I love all things girly and she will have some girly clothing of course but much of what I have will be reused. Sorry for the rant. Sometimes I just want to tell people I understand what you want for us, but we are ok with either gender.


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#11 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 09:46 AM
 
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Love it!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

Well, given the cultural fetish for boys thing (which, as one of six girls, rather rankles!), I'd be tempted to say something like "We decided not to find out because we're afraid you might behave badly and embarrass yourselves if you find out we're having another girl". The best defense is a good offense, right? :p




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#12 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 01:13 PM
 
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With our first, we didn't even have a u/s.  We didn't want one, and we didn't want a false gender prediction to make everyone go crazy with pink or blue baby things too soon.  Some people (who really didn't have a right to be) were mad at us for that, others just waited excitedly with us.  I was SURE I was having a boy, but it was a delightful surprise to be the mother of a little girl!  We enjoyed using ExpectNet.com for organizing baby guessing among friends and family.  My mother won BY FAR, but we gave a little prize to the runner up.  Becoming a grandma ON HER 50th BIRTHDAY was enough for my mother!

 

This time, I really think that I would feel better if I had a u/s.  I want to see my healthy baby and have that reassurance.  I might change my mind, but I have a lot of peace with that decision for now.  We'd do a 20 week diagnostic scan to get the most out of it.  We have decided, though, not to find out our baby's gender.  At first I waffled, but after realizing how a second baby (especially coming while there is an adorable, vivacious toddler around) can easily be minimized and not nearly as exciting to people as a first child, I decided that I wanted to make this little one's entrance into the world every bit as anticipated as his/her big sister.  I have all the gender neutral infant clothes I could ever want, and MORE pink clothes than I know what to do with.  Plus, the arrival of a little boy would surely spark a blue shower among church friends in rapid order.  I tend to choose gender neutral larger items (my stroller and baby car seat are actually blue and brown) anyway.  So I don't NEED to know.

 

However, I have had SO many people tell me that they think/hope it's a boy.  The Chinese prediction calendar says so, and I have a little hope that maybe it will be.  It was wonderful having a girl after being so convinced I was having a boy, but I sort of miss that little boy. :)  So, I am totally mentally preparing for a little girl.  I never had a sister, neither did my husband.  No one in our family group or close friend has a pair of little girls to really look to.  It's a little scary.  We are telling people that we'd love a little boy, but we think it'd be very special for Clara to have a sister.  I sincerely hope that no one voices disappointment after the birth!  I really think that I won't disappointed be either way.  My loving but often tactless MIL announced IN THE DELIVERY ROOM, that she was sorry we didn't have a boy.  I was a little ticked!  Now she is the ONLY one rooting for another girl, go figure.  Maybe she just really wants us to be different from my DH's brother who has a girl and a boy.  Trust me, we're different!  Now matter how many or what gender of children we have!  It's not up to us anyway!  :)


Sorry for the rant.  :)  Yes, we're voluntarily not going to find out what we're having.  I'm not sure what to do if the u/s shows the baby with it's legs spread!  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it!


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#13 of 25 Old 12-06-2010, 08:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by amaayeh View Post

I found out what I was having with my previous two pregnancies and I do not want to find out this time.  I think I have convinced dh to go along with this!  So, the big problem ahead is breaking that news to our families....especially dh's family.  They have been asking since I was 6 weeks along when I was going to find out.  I have just responded with "I don't know."  They *desperately* want a boy.  In their culture I'm already a failure for having two girls, which I have many an issue with, but I refuse to get into it with them.  This could be our last and I really want it to be positive all the way through because of some other extenuating circumstances that aren't under my control (our housing situation and having to move right after baby is born). 

 

 
Right on, mama! Go with your instinct! And you have a perfect, beautiful body that makes perfect, beautiful babies. And I know what you mean about "extenuating circumstances", nothing is ever perfect but you are a strong woman and this pregnancy is a beauty worth enjoying :) Sometimes I get overwhelmed and cry thinking things aren't perfect for this baby (new job, getting married, moving) but you know what, women are freaking strong and we've been doing this a long time. Congratulations on your personal courage to trust your own wisdom :)


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#14 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 10:52 AM
 
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We have three girls and have not ever found out the baby`s gender prenatally.  My in-laws desperately want a boy as they have five grandaughters and my husband's kids represent the last chance to "carry on the family name."  We will not find out this time either.  Not knowing actually helps me through second stage.  My high level of curiosity is motivating! 

 

If one more person asks if we are "trying for a boy," I will scream!


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#15 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 11:19 AM
 
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    Quote:

Originally Posted by crisamomma View Post

If one more person asks if we are "trying for a boy," I will scream!


I got this almost every day from strangers when pregnant with my 4th child and 1st daughter. Are you finally having a girl? Did you try for a girl? Do you hope it's a girl? I bet you hope it's a girl! And they said this in front of my sons. I thought it was disrespectful like my sons weren't good enough or that I would keep having kids, getting these undesirable boys in hope that I would finally get it right. I suppose I don't understand trying for a certain sex either. I mean, you get what you get which is hopefully more infant than T-Rex. I feel lucky that my family doesn't pressure me one way or the other AS IF ANYONE HAS A CHOICE. 


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#16 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 11:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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    Quote:

Originally Posted by crisamomma View Post

If one more person asks if we are "trying for a boy," I will scream!


I got this almost every day from strangers when pregnant with my 4th child and 1st daughter. Are you finally having a girl? Did you try for a girl? Do you hope it's a girl? I bet you hope it's a girl! And they said this in front of my sons. I thought it was disrespectful like my sons weren't good enough or that I would keep having kids, getting these undesirable boys in hope that I would finally get it right. I suppose I don't understand trying for a certain sex either. I mean, you get what you get which is hopefully more infant than T-Rex. I feel lucky that my family doesn't pressure me one way or the other AS IF ANYONE HAS A CHOICE. 


I feel both of these things strongly!!  I don't understand why people think WE CHOSE the sex.  I really, really don't understand that.  I have had people ask us what we wanted and when we say a healthy baby, they respond, "You don't WANT a boy?"  Like we were actually hoping for a T-Rex!  It's infuriating.  I try really hard to be nice about it, but I have started pointing out the 'no choice in this' aspect.  People act stunned at that as well...as if it were similar to whether or not we are finding out the gender at an ultrasound...a choice. 


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#17 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 12:21 PM
 
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Quote:
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If one more person asks if we are "trying for a boy," I will scream!



I hated that when we had two and then three and then four girls in tow and expecting our fifth and then after even more so when people said we finally got our boy. Whatever, we weren't trying for a boy, just desiring another baby/child.


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#18 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 12:43 PM
 
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Everyone keeps asking me if we are going to find out because we did with our first 2.  I don't think we will even have an ultrasound this time around so my standard response has been something like "I am so looking forward to experiencing life's very first and very best surprise!!"  Or something like "life is so predicted these days - a true surprise is hard to find. I am going to enjoy the anticipation!"


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#19 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 02:17 PM
 
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Some people act annoyed or a little put off when we tell them we're going to be surprised...  again.  But I don't care.  It's their problem, not mine.  orngtongue.gif

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#20 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 02:25 PM
 
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Some people act annoyed or a little put off when we tell them we're going to be surprised...  again.  But I don't care.  It's their problem, not mine.  orngtongue.gif



Aside from giving my SO the gift of finding out the sex of our LO at birth this is the only other plus I see in waiting - annoying people who have no business even having an opinion in whether we wait or not winky.gif

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#21 of 25 Old 12-07-2010, 02:38 PM
 
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We're having another surprise, but it's our third so nobody is/will be shocked.

 

gender neutral stuff:

light brown striped organic cotton stuff

kate quinn organics has lots of colourful stuff that is not pink or blue, like this infant saque set

this site has quite a bit of nice looking neutral stuff too


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#22 of 25 Old 12-08-2010, 05:21 PM
 
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Where can I find some precious neutral baby clothes that aren't green and yellow?  I just know them and they will buy the kid the ugliest things out there so it's better if I direct them.  :)



When I was pregnant in '09 Gap carried a line of newborn organics - whites and earth tones - that I really liked. I don't see them online right now but perhaps before June they'll have something similar. I have everything left over (but from an October baby) and was able to find some pieces on eBay. I'm personally not interested in blue as neutral any more than I am pink but they have some onesies and pants in brown and white as well as white baby gowns which are great. I spied some cute striped black as well as red pants in the clearance section as well. These are some of their unisex styles though currently stocked for winter: http://www.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=59066&kwid=1&sem=false 

 

 

Carters sells mostly gross green frogs and ugly yellow ducks for neutrals but they also carry plain white onesies and neutral coloured pants. 

 

I'm really wanting awesome COLOR without being circus mcgurkus so I'm drawn to AA's line of baby things - black, grey, beautiful green and such. http://store.americanapparel.net/babies.html

 

 


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#23 of 25 Old 12-08-2010, 06:14 PM
 
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We conceived using IVF, so up until this point we have had no surprises whatsoever. Down to the hour of conception I know everything about how this came to be. The only surprise I get to have at all is gender. So that's the surprise I'm keeping. We haven't told our families yet, other than my mom, so no questions as of right now.

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#24 of 25 Old 12-09-2010, 01:01 PM
 
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Sometimes I just want to tell people I understand what you want for us, but we are ok with either gender.


 

I am so using this!  I have a feeling we'll be getting a lot of "Hope it's a boy"s, since my dh is the Fourth, and everyone (especially his paternal grandmother) wants us to name our boy the Fifth (which is a whole other rant...).  But family will just have to deal with not knowing!  And neither of us has a problem with going to our families and saying "knock it off, you're supposed to be excited about the baby, not bummed about not knowing the sex". 

 

As for unisex clothes, I'll be buying (or suggesting) bright colors and nature-themed clothes.  If it's a boy I'll get him some converse socks, and if it's a girl I'll throw on a bow or a headband.  bouncy.gif  Dinosaurs and spaceships for everyone! 

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#25 of 25 Old 12-09-2010, 07:32 PM
 
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I didn't find out with mine, and didn't with my surrogate babies either--including twins.  But, I think I might this time. 11.5 years difference and this being quite a shock has me well enough surprised to last until delivery!

 

I think that not finding out the sex is one of the few true 'surprises' left out in the world and I'd not change not finding out.  My sister is pregnant and due just after me, as she has already 'claimed' girl (she thinks...LOL...they aren't finding out) thus by her thinking I get boy.  LOL  Fine with me. I have two and another is great :) but girls sure are fun to sew for!!!

 

For GN baby clothing, check out www.hyenacart.com It's work at home moms, and lots make custom outfits so you could get your bright and get whatever you wish :)


~Mama to my boys~ to a teen, a tween & a toddler and surro-mama to twins and their sister

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