Who are you going to have at the birth? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 09:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was planning to have our Friends (KD and wife) and my mother, her main job would be to wrangle the 4yo at the birth.  This weekend while we were visiting MIL stated (snarkily might I add) that she was waiting for us to invite her to the birth.  I am really having a hard time with this.  We live in PA and they live in MA .  During the past year we have been up to visit at least one weekend a month, and 1 week in Jan, One week in May, and one week in Aug.  NO ONE has been down to visit us since 11/09 and the last time that IL's visited they went home and complained about how horrible that the visit was to DP's brother, not to us.  I am really worried that I would be so wrapped up in having them there that it would really cause me to be overwhelmed.  It would be a different story if they would stay somewhere else and just visit (they don't have the money and wouldn't take it from us) but that won't happen.  The other issue is when would they come?  We all know that babies come when they are ready so would she want to come and stay around the EDD until the baby is born...  DS was evicted at 41+3. That is a long time...  Help how can I diplomatically handle this?

 

P.S. - DP and I have talked and she has similar concerns but is torn as it is her mother.


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#2 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 10:36 AM
 
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Myself, of course, dh, and possibly some or all of my children. Usually though they are asleep or I prefer to just have dh and have asked children to leave. I had my dd, Arden take pictures last time and I cherish them. Undecided I'd guess :) I will go w/ how I feel on the day.


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#3 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 10:40 AM
 
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I'm sorry this is such a source of stress!  hug2.gif  Can I ask where your mom lives?  If she's local you can play up the "wrangle the 4yo" aspect and make it sound like she's just there to babysit.  You (or better yet, DP) could also explain that, in order to ease the transition from only- to oldest-child for your DS, you'd rather have the house to yourself so it's as "normal" as possible when you bring your baby home.  You could also say something like "we'd love to have you come visit after the birth!" to take some of the sting out.

 

Or, as an alternative (and if your mom both lives close to you and is amazingly awesome), would your ILs be able to stay with your mom?  That way you would have a little distance and they wouldn't have to pay for a hotel.

 

Good luck with the ILs!  Both our families live out of town, so DH and I are just issuing a blanket "no visits for 2 weeks after the due date" so we can have a chance to adjust before we're invaded.  eyesroll.gif  The last thing I need is to start a fight with his fam because I accidentally snapped at them when I was sleep-deprived and hormonal!

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#4 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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Oh hard!  I love the suggestion of if your mom is close, play it up that she's just the sitter.  Family dynamics can be so difficult and stressful.  I've had my mom at all my births and may or may not at this one. My sister is due 3 weeks after me and this is her first and a planned only, so if she goes into labor about the same time, I've told my mom to go to her and not me! I'm hoping she'll make both, but we all know how unpredictable due dates and babies can be.

 

Does your DP's mom know your mom is invited?  Perhaps you could play the we're not sure yet who is going to come. We will have to play it by ear and see how it goes kind of game!


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#5 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 10:55 AM
 
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I feel your pain.  My MIL has already asked to be around for the birth and we just didn't say much.  She tried her damnedest to ruin our last birth and after her visit last week, there is no way in hell I'm letting her be around.  Now, that is my MIL, not necessarily yours.  However, I feel very strongly that the only people that should be present for the birth are people that are very supportive, kind, and will not interfere with you, the process, or your plan.  I know it can be very hard to tell her no, but I think that would be better than her being there and creating a negative environment.  Maybe say something along the lines of your mom is going to be there to take care of your 4 year old, but you're sure that she will get tired after a few days and you could then really use MIL's help?  People get their feelings hurt so many times because of their expectation of how the event should take place.  Just remember, this is your event.

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#6 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 11:12 AM
 
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DH, my SIL, and a close friend who took pictures at my wedding, to take pictures at the birth. Possibly also a doula.

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#7 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 11:31 AM
 
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If you are giving birth then you get to decide who is there. If you are not comfortable with the idea of your MIL there do not have here there!  There is no way I'd want my MIL there it would be totally distracting to me.


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#8 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 12:04 PM
 
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I never understand the concept of "inviting" people to a birth. As far as I can tell my vagina has never hosted a tea party. It's such an intensely personal, intimate and epic happening that it absolutely boggles my brain people exist who feel entitled to be present. I'm sorry that I have no advice on grace or diplomacy because when it comes to someone asking to invade my birthing space with no thought of me, well, I just don't feel very nice. I do hope you get some insightful answers about this situation. All I can do is strongly caution against anything or anyone who will inhibit you in any way.

 

As for me - my DP and I made love and made a baby and it was beautiful. I need the birth of our child to mirror that time as closely as possible - sensual, loving, private and intense. For the birth of our last child my doc, his assistant and my mom (jn case of transfer or waking kids) were present. Everyone was quiet, respectful and hands off. My DP called his mom when I was in labour and, while she's a great woman who I love, this time I'll ask him to keep it between us until after birth rather than risk having visitors in the middle of the night, before sleep and taking down the birth pool. I'm seriously considering UC and would want no one but my immediate (as in, those who live in my home) family present.  

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#9 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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As far as I have planned this birth is going to be my husband and I and most likely a birth attendant. My 7y/o son may want to be present and if in the moment I want him there that would be ok, I doubt my 16 month old is going to care much and for that reason we may have my mother take the kids. We also may have a doula and photographer but that really will depend on how I feel. However if we have the birth attendant we both really really desire I may be birthing at her home so we might leave the kids with my mom at her place. We are fortunate in that the inlaws have ZERO interest in our birth plans so I don't have to feel obligated or like I hurt anyone's feelings. It's never a good situation but I do think it's a little silly to be offended by not being asked to attend a birth as it is such a private thing. I also agree with the up playing the "mom as a babysitter"

 

Hope it all works out and everyone is understanding, maybe you can plan some time for MIL to come after the birth and snuggle the baby for you when you need a shower and help with laundry, house upkeep, & meals!

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#10 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 01:44 PM
 
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I absolutely agree with the PPs. Don't invite anyone you aren't absolutely sure that you want there!

I wouldn't be comfortable with my MIL being there at all. I don't think she'd totally de-rail the birth somehow, or do or say anything really inappropriate, we're just not that close, and that's reason enough for me.

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#11 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

I never understand the concept of "inviting" people to a birth. As far as I can tell my vagina has never hosted a tea party. It's such an intensely personal, intimate and epic happening that it absolutely boggles my brain people exist who feel entitled to be present. I'm sorry that I have no advice on grace or diplomacy because when it comes to someone asking to invade my birthing space with no thought of me, well, I just don't feel very nice. I do hope you get some insightful answers about this situation. All I can do is strongly caution against anything or anyone who will inhibit you in any way.

 

As for me - my DP and I made love and made a baby and it was beautiful. I need the birth of our child to mirror that time as closely as possible - sensual, loving, private and intense. For the birth of our last child my doc, his assistant and my mom (jn case of transfer or waking kids) were present. Everyone was quiet, respectful and hands off. My DP called his mom when I was in labour and, while she's a great woman who I love, this time I'll ask him to keep it between us until after birth rather than risk having visitors in the middle of the night, before sleep and taking down the birth pool. I'm seriously considering UC and would want no one but my immediate (as in, those who live in my home) family present.  

ITA, the only people invited to our birth are the people present at the conception, been that way since my third birth.
 


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#12 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 03:20 PM
 
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I think it'll just be me, hubby, and our birth attendant. I don't really want my mom there because we have a somewhat dicey relationship in some ways and I don't trust that I can count on her 100% when push comes to shove, and I don't need somebody around who I have that dynamic with. Hubby's mom is great but they live far away so unless they come down way beforehand they'll probably miss the birth. If I could choose anybody to be with me I would want either of two close friends, my SIL, or maybe my aunt, but they all live far away too so I don't think it's happening.

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#13 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 05:12 PM
 
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I'm with kawa kamuri--unless you're having 20 people there or something (which I wouldn't recommend) there's no reason you have to feel obligated to "invite" anyone. Keep it simple, keep it meaningful, only have people there who serve a purpose (even if that purpose is just that you love them and they give you strength). Anyone who brings one ounce of stress or concern to you should be nowhere near your birth space.

 

We're planning on my husband of course, my daughter as we see appropriate in the moment, my mother, and possibly a dear friend who is a student-midwife. That way there will always be someone to hang out with my daughter if needed, and always someone there to rub my back. :) 

 

I have friends who've had sisters and mothers and friends there, and it's been amazing, a big circle of love, but if you feel obligated to "invite" anyone that's probably a good sign that you shouldn't. 

 


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#14 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 05:18 PM
 
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And don't even tell anyone you are in labor until its all done!!!! With my first son, my dad decided to bring my grandpa for a visit. Seriously? WTF was he thinking?

 

I am having my husband and best friend. She was at my last birth and I have been at three of her births, she is great.


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#15 of 43 Old 12-20-2010, 06:38 PM
 
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My husband, the doula, the midwives and my mom. My dad will be there but in the family "hang out" part of the birth center, not in the actual birthing room. His job will be to go get people pizza, stuff like that. I decided I really, really want my mom there. This is our first and only, and though she and I have had a rocky past, when the shit hits the fan, she's the strongest person I know.

As for my MIL, I told DH that under no uncertain terms was she allowed near our house within a month either direction of the birth. She's nice enough, but she was an absolute terror at the wedding (We had a small, intimate, co-op type wedding, and she DID NOT get that tradition roles were not happening and was very self-centered and BITCHY the whole time) and is totally traditional from start to finish and I want to have how we're taking care of the baby well established before she whirlwinds in.

Really, this is something that is entirely about you. Yes, DH's and DP's get to have a say, but you are going to be the one buck naked, in pain, laboring over giving birth to a child from your body. This may be one of the few things in the world where you get to be entirely selfish and be completely justified. You do what makes you comfortable and it might be worth it to point out that if you're uncomfortable or unhappy with where, how, or who you're giving birth with, it can affect the process of giving birth.


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#16 of 43 Old 12-21-2010, 03:38 AM
 
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I will have my DH and my middle daughter who is a ped. nursing student.  That is it except for my midwife.  I am a very private person and when I labor my DH and I become one unit and the rest of the world ceases to exist.


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#17 of 43 Old 12-22-2010, 12:24 AM
 
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I wouldn't have anyone I wasn't absolutely comfortable with at my birth.  I'm with many of the above posters, I just don't get how people invite themselves to a birth!  If you don't want MIL there, then she should not be there.  If you don't want to have that conversation, make DH have it.  End of story.  

 

As for me, it will just be DH and I and the midwives.  I might have a doula.  Still undecided.  I also haven't decided what to do with my daughter; a big part of me wants her to be there, in part to make up for what she missed when she was born, and that would mean having someone there to look after her.  This would need be someone I know to be completely comfortable with a HBAC.  My parents are out of town and my inlaws are local.  What we arranged last time was for my parents to stay with my inlaws for the first few days.  We might do that again.  It worked out well.

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#18 of 43 Old 12-22-2010, 06:44 AM
 
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The last time I had like 10 people in my room and they didn't make them get out! But it was an emergency situation and I wasn't in there for long.

 

This time I want my DH and possibly my 3 year old, after the birth. I wouldn't mind to have my sister and my BFF but they probably won't be able to come.

 

I found that the last time I around I didn't really care who was in there. It didn't bother me that my nephew (16), my BIL and SIL, my MIL and her husband, and my dad and his wife were all there staring when I actually started to push.


That surprised me because I was one of the ones that was mortified at anyone being in there except DH-now I just don't care :-)
 

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#19 of 43 Old 12-22-2010, 09:56 AM
 
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I plan to just have DH, DD (although she hasn't decided if she wants to be there) and a Doula. Well along with the midwife and nurses.
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

 

All I can do is strongly caution against anything or anyone who will inhibit you in any way.

 

 

I second this, my mom was at my dds birth and it added to the stress. She is a major pain med pusher so that did not help me deal with the pain the way I wanted to and she likes to run the show. DH was pushed aside of the way while I was pushing and he felt really upset. This time I just told her that this was going to be an experinece for DH and I (and dd if she wants to be there). I told her she could be at the hospital and we would invite her in when we were ready. She was not happy about it but, I eased that a little by telling her that I needed someone outside the room in case DD wanted to leave the room.

 

Don't worry about hurt feelings! They will get over it!  The most important thing is you are comfortable and relaxed.
 

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#20 of 43 Old 12-22-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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My DH will be here as well as the midwife and her partner. We will be having a doula and my sister will be there to help with my two boys. 

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#21 of 43 Old 12-22-2010, 05:56 PM
 
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OP, I know this is probably harder than it sounds, but my advice to you is avoid, avoid, avoid!!!  If she comes right out and asks you about it, just say that you have not decided and do your best to change the subject.  Hopefully this will give her the hint... if not, maybe DH can sit down with her and give her a lovely but firm talk about this being a private event and that you will let them know when an appropriate time to come and visit the new baby would be.  It is so hard to say no to family but sometimes it is just unavoidable.  

 

For us, I will probably have DH, midwife and SIL (if she can make the 2 hour drive in time).  If it is daytime and my 2 kids are awake and needing attention, I may call MIL to come and stay with them.  Currently, my 22 year old nursing-student cousin is "renting" a room in our house and if she is home she can watch the kiddos instead of MIL.  DS may want to be a part of it but he is only 3yo so that will probably be determined at the moment.  My mother and I do not have the type of relationship where I would feel comfortable with her present for the birth.


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#22 of 43 Old 12-22-2010, 08:14 PM
 
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I say the fewer the better. I'm not here to entertain, folks. My last birth was the biggest crowd (well, except my first which included all the OR staff): my doula, my midwife and her student, and the back up midwife. They all sat around *watching* me as I labored in the pool. I finally had to tell them they were freaking me out and to talk amongst themselves. My DH was in the other room with our ds2 (ds1 was at a friend's house) and right after the babe was born my doula switched with him

 

I take comfort knowing my MW and doula were there "holding the space" but I didn't really want or need them until the babe was actually coming out when I seem to really drift into laborland and may not have even caught the baby if it wasn't for the back up midwife yelling "catch your baby!!"


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#23 of 43 Old 12-23-2010, 12:35 AM
 
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It's totally up to you who you have at the birth! Working as a birth doula I have seen labors totally stop or become dysfunctional when relatives' bad energy came into the mix. It's really the number 1 causative factor. It's like Ina May's sphincter law (the cervix can open and shut, when an animal is stressed in labor, it shuts). You have to feel safe and happy in order to have a healthy birth. It's true!

 

As they live far away and it's your second baby, you could EASILY say that the birth happened too fast for them to be there. Sometimes second time moms' births happen too fast even for the midwife to get there. OR it might be cathartic to have a real conversation with her about why it's not ok for her to invite herself.

 

Originally Posted by painefaria View Post

 

I was planning to have our Friends (KD and wife) and my mother, her main job would be to wrangle the 4yo at the birth.  This weekend while we were visiting MIL stated (snarkily might I add) that she was waiting for us to invite her to the birth.  I am really having a hard time with this.  We live in PA and they live in MA .  During the past year we have been up to visit at least one weekend a month, and 1 week in Jan, One week in May, and one week in Aug.  NO ONE has been down to visit us since 11/09 and the last time that IL's visited they went home and complained about how horrible that the visit was to DP's brother, not to us.  


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#24 of 43 Old 12-23-2010, 07:02 AM
 
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Before my first birth I just assumed I would want my husband, my mother, and my mother-in-law there.  My mother-in-law is a massage therapist, a great skill to have at a birth, right?  About 2 months before my son was born my parents and my MIL helped us move across country.  After three days in a hotel room with my MIL I realized that her presence stresses me out.  Thank god I realized that ahead of time!  So she didn't come to the birth.

 

During the birthing time my parents came to the hospital and spent most of the time in the waiting room.  My mother was in the room for a while, but her presence was inhibiting my husband from stepping up in his role as birth partner and he asked her to leave(!)  Without asking me(!). I still wanted her there, but was in no shape to argue with my husband.   When I got to transition and pushing I just really wanted my mommy.  I got the nurse to bring her back in so it ended up being my husband and mom (plus whatever nurses/midwife was there).

 

This time I hope to find a doula and also hope my husband and mom will be there.  Sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have a larger circle of female support, but when the moment truly comes I am a private person.  The presence of too many people would inhibit me.

 

No one should ever feel obligated to invite ANYONE to a birth.  And everyone invited should realize that things can change and they may be summarily sent away (and possibly invited back later).


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#25 of 43 Old 12-23-2010, 12:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well Dp and I had a discussion today and she will be calling her mother and talking to her about their last visit and how it makes us very nervous to have them down during the birth.  She stated that she was not going to really tell her that she was not able to come at that time just hash out the issues that we have.  At this point I am not sure that I even want my mom there.  I am just feeling that we will have our support people and the midwife and leave it at that... and really I don't know how my labor will go.  Maybe it will happen so fast that no one gets there anyway (that is my wishwinky.gif).  Thanks for the support and I will definately keep you posted.


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#26 of 43 Old 12-23-2010, 05:35 PM
 
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OP, I just wanted to apologize for saying "DH" in my post instead of "DP".  Usually I am not so spacey. Sorry!  And glad to hear that she is going to open up a discussion with your MIL about this.  Sounds like a step in the right direction.


hh2.gif Proud Mama to DS1 09/07 ribboncesarean.gif, DD 07/09 hbac.gif, and DS2 06/11 uc.jpg.  Feeling more and more blessed with each day!

 

 
 
 
  

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#27 of 43 Old 12-28-2010, 10:13 AM
 
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i keep thinking about this and i'm not sure how this will play out. for my son's birth it was just me & my husband at the hospital with a midwife (and the nurse, who was actually more present), and that was just what i wanted. this time i am planning an HBAC, so that could complicate things. only because i would like the potential for my son (he will be 3 years 2 months in june) to be present, but i need to figure out a good person to be there for him in case he can't handle it. i really have to gauge how the next 6 months will go with him, developmentally and emotionally, because right now he can't handle the fact that the toilet overflowed the other day - he freaks out every time we enter the bathroom!

 

so, because i want him potentially present at the birth, i need someone who will be good with him but *i* also want or don't mind being present.  my husband seems to think my MIL will be good ... i am not 100% opposed, because i agree she would be good for DS, but she is not my first choice for me at all.

 

i haven't broken the news of the homebirth plan to my mom or MIL, but i will need to talk to them about it and warn them off so i will feel comfortable in my own space.

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#28 of 43 Old 12-28-2010, 03:37 PM
 
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Me, DH, the midwife. Possibly DD... possibly just for early labour, possibly for the whole thing (although I'm thinking probably not), possibly not at all. I dunno. It'll be a birth centre birth, all going well, so if we decide to let her come along DH can always phone my mother to come pick her up if she gets tired or cranky - or if I do and want rid of her! :p

 

I'll be having a student midwife attend my later prenatal visits, but my main midwife said I can choose to have her at the birth or not, as I please. I'm thinking I'd rather have fewer people, but we'll see - if I click with her or think she'd be really helpful at doing doula-y stuff, then maybe.

 

I cannot imagine anything worse than having other people there, honestly. My mother? Heck no - and I love my mother, AND she's an ex-midwife! My female friends? Crikey, no. My sisters, with whom I'm extremely close? Absolutely not. It just seems like it would be totally embarrassing, distracting, weird... don't get me wrong, I truly think it's great that some people like it and can have that kind of support and share the experience and all, but I'm not that kind of person. I don't go for UC, but I can see the appeal in terms of privacy.


If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

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#29 of 43 Old 12-28-2010, 09:37 PM
 
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I totally agree. I really don't want most people to see me naked (other than hubby) no matter how close I am to them.

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#30 of 43 Old 12-28-2010, 09:42 PM
 
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DDCC to say.. ......birth is not my idea of a spectator sport. Me, dh, the CNM and the hospital required nurse were all that I had in the room. I have a beautiful yoni but it is shy.innocent.gif

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