Why do women prefer girls & feel disappointed about having sons? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 01-29-2011, 11:23 AM
 
kawa kamuri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,845
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I apologise. I've been so wrapped up in what's going on in my life that I didn't realise I'd been responded to here. I also commented at a time when brevity was necessary, as it often is when one is a mom to many, so the full scope of my thoughts wasn't expressed. I left my lone sentence up to the kind of perception and interpretation I never intended. 

 

I - me, personally, - don't have a preference. I want a baby. That's not a statement against or for anyone else. My comment wasn't about anyone but me. It wasn't discouragement or disregarding or discounting of feelings, it wasn't at all about anyone else's feelings. I was making a statement about myself. It wasn't a testament to my lack or inclusion in trauma or anyones assumptions of my past. It wasn't a reflection on my inability to show empathy, compassion and support. I love and adore many women who have struggled with the sex of their unborn. I'll readily admit that I do not and have not personally had feelings of conflict over the genitalia of my children. I don't feel or understand everything that everyone does but that doesn't rob me of decency. 

 

I had three sons in a row with no hope or indication that I would eventually end up with two daughters and a step-daughter. Of course I can empathise with feelings of having a home full same sexed children! In my past as a mother to three boys yes, I can empathise with feelings of never having a daughter. I still don't have a preference to the sex of the baby I'm carrying. I just want the baby.

 

I'll admit that I didn't read all of the responses so perhaps my statement was ill-timed and rudely placed. I'm sorry. I was responding to the OP, to the blanket Why do women prefer girls & feel disappointed about having sons? I'll tell you, I ain't that woman. If many of you are then good on you. I'm genuinely happy that this forum exists as a place of support and camaraderie. I have felt love here many times so I don't discount anyone for seeking solace and connection with other like-minded mamas. In the future I'll be more mindful of how I can be perceived. Please know that I would never intentionally seek to demean any of you. I feel blessed to be sharing this time alongside you. I'm not here to hurt anyone. 

 

peace.gif

 

   


Boys: 12/94, 1/99, 11/03, 6/11. Girls: 11/06, 10/09, 12/12 2ndtri.gif

 
       

kawa kamuri is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-29-2011, 07:44 PM
 
amaayeh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 817
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

I lost my first child. Gender does take a backseat to one that's healthy and crying after that.



I am so sorry for your loss.  I know that is also a very difficult thing to experience and I don't think in any way this discussion was remotely about whether or not the gender of our child was at all in line with not being able to have one or losing one.  Not at all.  To me, this entire discussion was more about how either we were affected by our childhood in a way that made us fear raising a certain sex or how 'others' (family, friends, strangers) talked to us about how the sex of the children we do have is somehow a reason we should stop having children or should want more children - making us feel as though they saw our current children as inferior or our goal to create a 'perfect' family. 

 

Thank you, Kawa, for apologizing.  The only reason I think most of us go through this journey is because we want a baby...regardless of sex.  I guess some of us might just have more intrusive family and friends that hurt us.


Andrea fly-by-nursing2.gif - Mommy to DD1 ('05), DD2 ('08), DD3 (6/17/11) cd.gif homebirth.jpg

amaayeh is offline  
Old 01-29-2011, 07:50 PM
 
kawa kamuri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,845
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:

Originally Posted by amaayeh View Post

 

Thank you, Kawa, for apologizing.  The only reason I think most of us go through this journey is because we want a baby...regardless of sex.  I guess some of us might just have more intrusive family and friends that hurt us.


Or some of us deal with it differently, no? I'm certainly not immune to intrusion, criticism, fear or hurtful opinions. And again, I'm sorry my comment hurt your feelings. 


Boys: 12/94, 1/99, 11/03, 6/11. Girls: 11/06, 10/09, 12/12 2ndtri.gif

 
       

kawa kamuri is offline  
Old 01-30-2011, 07:59 AM
 
imogenlily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 346
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've had bad, traumatic experiences with men. I know I'm going to be raising a boy, and I feel this pressure to raise a "good man"- a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle man. At first this responsibility scared me. The more I thought about it, though, I realized if I was raising a girl, there would be an equal responsibility to raise a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle woman.

 

It's taken time though. I actually teared up at the ultrasound when I found out the sex.

imogenlily is offline  
Old 01-30-2011, 10:14 AM
 
amaayeh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 817
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by imogenlily View Post

I've had bad, traumatic experiences with men. I know I'm going to be raising a boy, and I feel this pressure to raise a "good man"- a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle man. At first this responsibility scared me. The more I thought about it, though, I realized if I was raising a girl, there would be an equal responsibility to raise a strong, sensitive, feminist, gentle woman.

 

It's taken time though. I actually teared up at the ultrasound when I found out the sex.


This was me after I came to terms with having a girl.  I realized this was my opportunity to do it 'right' versus what I felt my mother did wrong.  This is my chance to change that pattern and empower my daughter to be who she is instead of what *I* want her to be.  It has also helped me deal with my family better in the sense that I see a very strong pattern of how my grandmother treats her daughters and why my mother thinks it's ok to treat me as she does.  I moved half-way across the country to better ensure my girls weren't exposed to my mother and her negativity towards women.  Now if only I could find a way to not get phone service.... lol.gif


Andrea fly-by-nursing2.gif - Mommy to DD1 ('05), DD2 ('08), DD3 (6/17/11) cd.gif homebirth.jpg

amaayeh is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 10:01 AM
 
LLtheTinkerbell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: BC
Posts: 295
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I totally get the fears of becoming separate from our adult sons.  It makes sense - because so many adult males today grew up in a time when being close to their mamas made them sissies. This is straight up homophobia and men's oppression. A male friend told me recently that he was told by his parents as a young child that "men don't hug".  No wonder he doesn't feel close to his parents!

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by jshannyn519 View Post

I have a son, my firstborn, who will be 12 on Monday. I also have a daughter who is 10 1/2. When my son was born I had a moment of pure panic because I had no idea what to do with this boy! Not being a boy it's harder for me to relate to the male of the species. I don't remember what it was like when I was a little boy, or a teenage boy, because I never was one. I have discovered that the junk doesn't matter because the human emotions and experiences tend to be very much the same, regardless of sex.

 
This is so true!
 
We do live in a world that is still full of gender inequality and stereotypes, and of course our children are bound to pick up on some of them, however we get the incredibly lucky job of being parents, which means we get to help create sweet, sensitive, joyful humans of both genders. Boys and girls have the same emotional capacity to love and be hurt. I think dusty old fears about boys becoming effeminate if we give them too much love and affection are the most harmful.  As long as we give all our children equal love and attention, and space when they need it, our kids will have the best chance at stamping out these old stereotypes of distant sons and doting daughters.

LLtheTinkerbell is offline  
Old 02-01-2011, 07:28 AM
 
lokidoki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 1,143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We are having our second son...and while I have all along said both in my head and outloud that I just wanted a healthy baby regardless of gender ~ I think there was a small part of me that really wanted the opportunity to parent a little girl and have the experience of both. It did not make me any less happy to find out we were having a boy and know that he is happy/healthy in there ~ but I know that my DH was just a little tearful at the idea of never having a "daddy's girl". Do not get me wrong ~ we adore our son so much and there is no question we will adore our second son equally as much. And I do believe the lists of why it will be great either way (girl or boy). My sons are going to be 5 years a part and I think in some regard that distance in aging would have been maybe too much for different genders to be close to one another and maybe having brothers will give them a common ground.

 

But I do understand the little bit of disappointment ~ and somehow disappointment even seems to strong a word to use because honestly I am over the moon my baby is healthy as I am sure everyone else here is too. I know this is our last simply because my body is not handling pregnancy well (never did really) and I cannot do another 9 months of this...and I will count my blessings to have 2 healthy sons. I also think that life is what we make it ~ and our relationships with our children is as well. I have seen boys that grow up to be very close with their parents and daughters who abandon them ~ just as often as I have seen it the other way around. I, for one, intend on not letting my sons distance themselves from family and intend to nuture that bond as they grow up.


Wife to DH (06/09/01), Mother to DS coolshine.gif (04/10/06) saynovax.gif and rescuer of dachshunds ~ and joy.gifthat our rainbow1284.gif arrived (06/10/11) safe and sound. Love cd.gif our little one ~ and lactivist.gif

lokidoki is offline  
Old 02-01-2011, 07:53 AM
 
purslaine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,771
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I am probably done having babies.  I have known so many boys with serious allergies, ADHD, autism (including my sisters 2 sons) that I am afraid to have boys.  Yes, afraid.  In some ways I feel like I dodged a bullet that my oldest (male) does not have anything - although he is a little low on ability to focus.

 

purslaine is offline  
Old 07-23-2011, 09:14 AM
Banned
 
GrumpyMum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Three healthy boys. Oh you poor thing! I hope you can hear the sarcasm in my writing. You need to get over yourself love. Go to the children's ward of your nearest hospital and spend some time with some parents of sick kids and tell them your woes. Seriously, if your boys don't look after you when youre old it will be because they spent their lives sensing your disappointment at their having penises. Try some positivity. Hey maybe one will be gay and you'll get your girl yet
GrumpyMum is offline  
Old 07-24-2011, 05:12 AM
Administrator
 
cynthia mosher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Arabia!
Posts: 38,755
Mentioned: 21 Post(s)
Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
Quoted: 113 Post(s)

GrumpyMum, your post is inappropriate. You can advise without being insulting or homophobic. If you are sincere about being a member of this community please read our User Agreement and contact me by email to have your account reinstated. 


cynthia mosher is offline  
Old 07-24-2011, 01:48 PM
 
Momsteader's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you Cynthia!


~Mama to my boys~ to a teen, a tween & a toddler and surro-mama to twins and their sister

Livin' in the sticks with my chicks chicken3.gif and lovin' it!

2014:  4/52 projects  0/2014 things 0/52 books

Momsteader is offline  
Old 07-24-2011, 07:18 PM
 
swimming-duck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 725
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by CrunchyClark View Post

Thank you Cynthia!



yeahthat.gif

 

I totally get the thoughts of the OP. I bawled when I found out DS1 was a boy. Of course I feel so incredibly silly now - I adore my little boy and wouldn't trade him for a zillion girls. For me, I think there was some fear in not knowing how to raise a boy. Now I have two of them and I was so excited to have a second little boy. I would like a little girl someday, but I think boys are super fun!


Crystal (34) married to LPN DH (38) , mama to (7/07), (1/09), and (7/11) and (12/28)
swimming-duck is offline  
Old 07-24-2011, 10:48 PM
 
Lillian J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 8,976
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This question came as a surprise to me, because I didn't realize there was a big preference one way or another. I can tell you, though, that my son brought indescribable joy into my life, and is still an amazing blessing now in his adult years. And there are lots of special times you can have with a son that wouldn't be the same with a daughter - just as the reverse is true. I loved every bit of the time he was growing up, and have been so moved to see what a lovely and respectful person he is. 

 

I was just thinking today about the email he sent me when I was far away on vacation, saying a neighbor had called him to warn us that the city left a note threatening to tow my car if it didn't get moved by the time road work started in the morning on our block. He was about to head out at midnight to drive the 3 to 4 hours to my place to see what he could do about getting it moved. He said, "If there isn't a key there somewhere, or if you get this too late, please don't worry - there's only so much it can cost if it gets towed, and some things are unavoidable. Just relax and enjoy your vacation." "Some things are unavoidable"? I'm getting that kind of sage advice from someone a fraction of my age, and that person is my son? I get this kind of loving wise advice from him all the time, and he's been this way all his life - an ongoing blessing. I have friends, on the other hand, who went through some very, very, very trying times with their daughters' tempers and lack of compassion during the teen years, but not their sons - which is not always the case, of course.

 

But all in all, the love, affection, and respect you give your son or daughter will come back multiplied. - Lillian

Lillian J is offline  
Old 07-25-2011, 04:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
msmiranda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 412
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Wow, I can't believe that a troll revived this thread, but thank you Cynthia for stepping in.

 

My third son arrived on June 1, and I can't imagine life without him.  I do feel incredibly lucky to have three healthy children and I thank the lord every day for my beautiful family.  I still get the pity looks and comments from other people, which is super annoying, but whatever.  Although I did have one young mom say to me a few days ago, "you are so blessed to have three little boys!"  I wanted to kiss her! :)


SAHM to Bird (6/07) and Bear (7/09), and now enjoying our newest additionbabyboy.gif, born June 1, 2011!  bfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifsigncirc1.gifcd.gif

msmiranda is offline  
Old 07-25-2011, 05:03 PM
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 7,417
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Congratulations! I'm so pleased for you! 


Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
Old 07-28-2011, 02:13 AM
 
calynde's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: the foot of the Alps
Posts: 1,585
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
congrats! i just had my third beautiful son as well!

life is good!joy.gif

Blissed out mama to 3 beautiful boys love.gif LIFE IS GOOD! thumb.gif

calynde is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off