Why do women prefer girls & feel disappointed about having sons? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 06:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm still trying to work through all of this in my head.  I thought that I didn't care this time, but when the ultrasound tech said boy I almost started to cry, so obviously I have not gotten past it.  I am just wondering why we feel this way when in so much of the world, boys are favored.  I will start:  I want to have close relationships with my adult children, and I feel that there is very little chance of that with boys.  That they will move away, get married, and never call me.  Also their wives will hate me and keep them away from me.  So basically, that I will have spent all these years of my life being a mother and get nothing in return.  I know there are exceptions, but this is my fear.  I could care less about shopping, planning a wedding, playing dress up, and stuff like that.  I'm really focused on the adult relationship.  I guess my secondary fear is that they will end up being sexist/misogynist which would absolutely kill me.  Anyone else have thoughts?  Why do you want a daughter?

 

ETA: Obviously there are no guarantees that I would have an adult relationship with a daughter, and I have many fears about parenting a girl as well (which are probably moot because we will obviously never have one).  But I just feel like a door has been closed.

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#2 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 07:27 AM
 
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I've been wondering this, too!

I'm on my third boy and i actually wasn't at all disappointed when i found out. I would have loved to have a daughter for sure, but I really am ok with whatever family dyamics I end up with. I think it makes life interesting, all the variety that exists!

Having said that, i think it's reasonable to feel preferences one way or the other. Especially after having a few of one sex in a row, and being "finished" making babies. It is natural to seek a sort of balance, to want to experience mothering both. Not everybody cares about that, but i think many or most would choose some sort of mix if they could. Its ok to mourn not experiencing one thing while at the same time loving and being extremely grateful for what you have...i think they are separate.

What has been nagging at me slightly is reading so often lately expressed disappointment at finding out about a boy, even when there isn't already one! Am i missing something? Everyone has valid feelings of course, but as a happy boy mama i can't help but wonder why having any boy AT ALL suddenly seems so undesirable. I am baffled.

Anyway, that's none of my concern, i guess. Haha but for you and i and the other all boy mamas, i would like to say that i feel extremely lucky to have these guys in my life!! They are so funny and sweet and low maintenance, AND their clothes are modest by nature. LOL

And for whatever it's worth, the idea of adult closeness between mamas and daughters as opposed to sons is definitely cultural! In Italy, the adult men are ALL about "la mamma"...it really is what you make it, and there is no point in worrying about the future. My good friend has three gorgeous adult sons and she is absolutely best friends with all of them (and the daughter in laws)...it is possible!

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#3 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 07:39 AM
 
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I wanted my first child to be a boy, and it was so I was happy.  I never wanted a girl really.  I am a girl and I know how dramatic they can be and I think it would be harder raising a girl.  But when I got pregnant with my 2nd, I decided I wouldn't mind having a girl.  But then I got another son, and I'm happy I did.  Now my son has a brother, I don't have to buy a bunch of girl stuff when I already have a bunch of boy stuff, etc. 

 

And my 1st is a huge momma's boy, and when he grows up and leaves the nest, I don't think I'll have less of a relationship with him than I would with a girl.  Maybe he'll still be a momma's boy then too.


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#4 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 07:51 AM
 
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I can understand your concerns and fears, and I have had them myself. I just ~knew~ my first would be a girl, and I am so grateful she was. For me, it was a chance to parent her the way I wish I had been parented and it helped me heal a lot of my childhood hurts. I was able to love her as I was never loved, listen to her as I was never listened to, be gentle with her when I was treated unkindly, and all of that. With this one (a boy), I was very happy to find out he was a boy but there was a bit of the feelings you describe. I too, fear that he will grow up, marry, and I'll be the nagging MIL who wants to see my son every once in a while to my daughter-in-law's dismay crap.gif.

 

At the same time though, I don't plan on being the type of mother to my son that many mothers are to their sons either, so that does factor in to the mix. Aren't most sexist/misogynist males raised that way (either by their moms or dads?). Don't most sons who never call or visit come from homes that were less than nurturing or didn't have close relationships with their parents to begin with? That's been my experience. I think a lot of your future relationships depends on how you are with your son in his childhood. For us, our aim is to raise a compassionate, empathetic, loving, strong, Godly man who both loves and respects his wife but also loves and respects his parents. That having been said though, I fully accept that my role will change in adulthood (both with my son and daughter) and I would 100% expect them to put the needs of their respective families above my personal needs -- so that part doesn't worry me. However, I think having that expectation and being okay with it will go a long way toward healthy relationships with my future in-laws. I think the issue with sons never visiting their moms is because their wife often feels (and in many cases, rightfully so) that their husband's mother still expects to be #1 woman in their life, and I just don't expect that -- nor would I want it!

 

Anyway, try not to worry. A lot of your adult relationship will have to do with how you treat your children in childhood until they leave the nest. Unfortunately, studies show people are much more detached to sons, even holding them rougher as infants, which I think contributes to the adult detachment -- but those of us in the natural and attached parenting community aren't like that, so I would imagine we would have fewer issues in adulthood.


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#5 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 08:26 AM
 
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I really really wanted a daughter. When the ultrasound showed I was having a boy, I was honestly bummed about it. I'd always just known I'd have a girl! I was of course happy to be having a healthy baby but I was a little sad about it for the rest of the pregnancy. My husband kept telling me "it's okay, we might have a girl later!"

 

Fast forward to now. I LOVE my DS and can't wait to have another BOY. every time I'm packing away his outgrown little clothes I tell myself not to be sad, hopefully he will have a little brother that can use them. I don't know why I was so set on a daughter. I don't have a great relationship with my mom, and my DH has a great relationship with his. My husband has one brother and 2 sisters. He is the one that was always cooking and crafting with his mom, not his sisters. It just depends on the people I think.

 

I think people just have preferences. 3 of my girlfriends really really wanted boys.

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#6 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 08:55 AM
 
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When I was pregnant with my first all I wanted was a boy. I have 6 nephews and I loooooooooove them. Never even wanted to have to deal with that bratty girl behavior and so forth. Then I found out I was having a girl and I got so excited! When my DD came she changed my whole perspective on what it feels like to love someone. She is a little mini me and to watch her interact with all of the family members is such a joy. When I found out I was pregnant with this baby, all I thought about was having another girl. A little sister for my DD, getting to have that same great experience all over again... DD getting to have a best friend (I'm the middle daughter out of 3 girls and I loved it!) etc etc. I couldn't even imagine the thought of having a little boy. It jsut didn't seem to fit in our family dynamic at all. Every single family member said "Oh I hope it's a girl again...It's def a girl!" I was so sure that I wasn't even that nervous getting the ultrasound. When the tech rolled over his "boy parts" my heart sunk. I was so shocked. I had a lump in my throat and looked to my husband for a reaction---he was just staring at it! I don't think either of us were prepared for that outcome! Even as we called the family on the ride home to tell them there was a general feeling of " oh?! really? are you sure?? we never expected that!" It took me at least a week to come to grips with it. After shopping a little trying to get my mind wrapped around the fact that I had a little boy inside me and my dream of having all girls was over, I started to come around to it. I think that the main concern for me is that I feel like I am a great girl's mommy. My mom has a ton of issues and wasn't really that great, so in a way I felt like I could prove myself to be a good mother by being able to nurture and love a little girl the way I felt was right. But what Ive had to remember is that I felt that fear of not being able to love a little girl before I found out she was indeed one, so maybe this little boy will surprise me just as much as my DD! the relationship I have with her has truly been LIFE CHANGING. I never knew I was loving, nurturing, or protective. I never knew that I could love someone so much that I like to change diapers and get up at 3 am for a feeding. I'm just praying that these overwhelming feelings of love and mothering spill over onto my son so that I can have as great of a relationship with him as I do my daughter. Just saying that sounds weird... "my son".    And for what it's worth... I truly believe that the mother in law / daughter in law relationship relies heavily on the mother. If we are sweet, caring, and always accepting with the right amount of personal space, how could any girl not love us as much as our sons??? ;)


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#7 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 09:30 AM
 
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This is just my experience but I know with my first, I was looking forward to a little girl.  I thought she would look just like me.  When looking through all the baby clothes in the stores, there was so much cute stuff for girls and nothing really for boys.  We as women, look forward to dolls, dresses, pigtails, braids, painting their nails, piercing their ears, etc.

 

When we visualize boys, we see a little distructive guy splashing through mud puddles, playing with toy cars, climbing, jumping, scraping knees, etc. 

 

This just isnt as appealing in theory.

 

So, when I found out it was a boy, I was only slightly let down.  I had a little scare at the same time and had to get amnio and when finding out it was a boy was just so relieved he was healthy I didnt care much anymore.

 

Little did I know at that time, the differences in bonding when it comes to boys and girls, mothers and fathers.

 

I am on baby #6 and will have 3 of each now.  My boys all clung to me and needed me in a way that really made me feel like I was irreplaceable.  Sure they loved, daddy, grandma, etc but no one can replace mommy to a little boy.  All my friends confirmed this is the same with their children.  I am not sure why but little boys tend to bond more to their mothers especially for that first year.  Daddy is the guy to go to for fun but when they need love and comfort, no one will due but mommy.  It is so fulfilling and makes your heart just melt.

 

Now, my little girls, as much as they bonded with me because of breastfeeding, and being mommy, I have found that little girls just tend to gravitate towards daddy.  There is something to that "Daddy's little girl" saying.  My little girls, unlike my boys, went to daddy for comfort or consoling 80% of the time.  I cant explain it.

 

However, I was glad to have the girls as I got to dress them up in all the pretty little dresses, do their hair, etc but really, I found the bond i had with my boys were so much different. 

 

No mom I know has ever ended up disappointed for long after her little guy got there. 

 

I think though its natural to feel slightly disappointed if you already have boys and just want a girl but end up with another boy. Most of us want one of each or whatever gender we dont already have at home.

 

Either way, keep in mind that when that baby gets here, soon you wouldnt wish it any other way as you bond with him/her and they will become irreplacable. 


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#8 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 09:53 AM
 
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I didn't "find out" the sex of either of my babies, but my first was a boy & I was not disappointed in the least. It never crossed my mind to be upset at the gender I got.  My next was a girl & I was absolutely happy, but I thought it would be easier if I'd had 2 of the same sex. We have to figure out what to do with all of the craft stuff & our computer so that she can have a bedroom when she's bigger. I hope you feel better about everything soon.


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#9 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 10:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the responses, it's interesting to hear other women's thoughts on the subject.  I should say that I love my two little boys very much -- I probably don't need to say that, but I didn't say it before.  They are wonderful and they make me happy every day.  But, I went through this exact same thing during my second pregnancy, worrying about the loss of the adult relationship (which absolutely is cultural, of course -- but in the United States men tend not to be close to their families and that is where we live, so ...).  I was not disappointed right after the ultrasound last time, because I already knew that it was a boy for several weeks beforehand.  This time, due to different pregnancy symptoms and different circumstances around conception, I thought there was a good chance it could be a girl, so I think I was much more caught off guard. 

 

I think my fear is that my children won't love me.  I was not loved or parented the way I needed as a child, and that has had huge ramifications for my adult life.  Having a family was in part about trying to heal those hurts and create the kind of family that I never had.  I am just afraid that that won't happen no matter how many kids I have.  If this was a girl, I would be worried about repeating my own mother's mistakes with me (which were legion and irreparably harmful) and about how I would help her deal with beauty and body image issues, which were a big deal in my childhood and young adulthood.  But I did always envision myself as a mother of all girls, and every time I see a penis on ultrasound it's like the universe is telling me that nothing will be as I hoped.  Because if this aspect of having kids isn't as I envisioned, then maybe my hope of having good relationships with them is just as much a pipe dream.  I hope that being the best mother I can be will go a long way toward making that happen, but nothing is guaranteed.  At best, maybe I will just do different things wrong than my parents did, rather than "getting it right."

 

Interestingly, when I asked the ultrasound tech what her experiences have been with respect to people expressing disappointment/preferences during the ultrasound itself, she says that it more often happens that people are disappointed by girls than by boys.  My DH said that's probably because men usually want sons and are more likely to be vocal about it during the u/s.  My understanding is that in the U.S. in general, more people favor girls.   Certainly when there is any discussion of gender disappointment on a message board (which are all frequented by women of course) it is all about being disappointed about having boys.  Anyway, it's obviously a very complex issue and people have a lot of different reasons for feeling the way they do. 

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#10 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 10:14 AM
 
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I always knew I wanted a girl.  And was so thankful when our daughter was born!  I had told myself that it would probably be a boy, partly to prepare myself if I didn't get the little girl I had been dreaming of...

 

I think for me, I saw how close my mom was with her mother.  And my uncle was so distant.  My grandmother use to tell me how thankful she was for my mom and their relationship.  We were a very close family.  I've always had a special bond with my own mother, too.  And I wanted that experience with my own daughter.  Like you said, my son could marry a woman who turns out to not care for me very much.  I've read enough MIL posts here on MDC to know that there are quite a few women that seem very quick to cut off ties with their husband's side of the family.  It makes me so sad.

 

That said, my son is a total mama's boy.  While my daughter is independent and head-strong, he clings to my side.  So you never know.  I just pray that he marries a sweet girl who loves me as much as he does.  hahaha!!!

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#11 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 10:22 AM
 
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I want another girl for very superficial reasons so were I to have a boy, my disappointment would be very minimal.  However, I want another little girl because I love all the dresses.  I won't ever force my children to wear things they don't like so I only get to do the dress thing for SURE for the first couple of years.  I already have all the cute girl stuff (of which there is more of than boy stuff) so its fun for me.  I also wouldn't have to replace the girly cloth diapers and wool I have which would be nice.  I also am very afraid of dealing with the circumcision thing.  My son will be left intact however making sure I have a knowledgeable doctor and not letting anyone change diapers unless I know they won't retract him and dealing with people making comments about his genitals.. the fight some people have sounds so frustrating and not dealing with it would make MY life easier.  I am a girl and I have a girl so having another girl won't be unusual to me.  The teenage years may or may not be harder with girls than with boys but its too hard for me to look that far ahead haha :P

 

Its a bit strange for me though... I found out I was having a girl around 20 weeks but after she was born, I had the strangest feeling of having a boy.  I'd have to remind myself to change pronouns in my head (of which wasn't a problem for the months before she was born) and when I'd imagine the future the way many parents probably do, she often appeared to me as either androgynous or sometimes fully male.  I won't be surprised in the least if she someday tells me that she is actually my son so I wonder if maybe my wanting another girl so badly is actually my subconscious wanting on of each.  I know that probably sounds kind of crazy.... mothers intuition can't be THAT good at only a couple months old but we'll see.

 

At any rate, I'd love to have a son and so would my husband (although he is good with either sex so long as we just have two... at least that is what he is saying right now.. hehe) and I'd be overjoyed.  I'd really only be sad about not being able to use all the super cute dresses I got for kiddo :P  superficial haha.

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#12 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 10:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mija y mijo View Post


I think for me, I saw how close my mom was with her mother.  And my uncle was so distant.  My grandmother use to tell me how thankful she was for my mom and their relationship.  We were a very close family.  I've always had a special bond with my own mother, too.  And I wanted that experience with my own daughter.  Like you said, my son could marry a woman who turns out to not care for me very much.  I've read enough MIL posts here on MDC to know that there are quite a few women that seem very quick to cut off ties with their husband's side of the family.  It makes me so sad.

 

Yeah, this is pretty much my worst nightmare.  This was the pattern in my mom's family as well -- she stayed close, physically and emotionally, and my uncle was long gone.  She has taken on the role of taking care of her parents as they age(d) and die(d), my uncle only helps financially.  (Of course my grandparents were very cold, f-ed up people so maybe it's not the best example ...)  And my DH is not that close to his mother, so it's not like my boys will have a good example to follow. It's not like there are any problems between DH and MIL, they just don't talk very often or for very long.  In their case, my MIL has not made much of an effort to stay close, I think DH would be very accommodating if she had ... and of course, I don't like her very much, which totally conforms to the stereotype, although I certainly would never cut off ties.  I honestly can't even think of a man I  know who is close to his mother, so it seems like I will be pretty much screwed when I get older.  Once DH is gone I will be alone and end up in a nursing home if I live that long because everyone knows that men don't take care of their moms physically.  It's just all so depressing I wonder why I am even bothering to give so much of myself to children who will not be there for me later on.  Yeah, I have issues.
 

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#13 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 11:01 AM
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Crashing your DDC.

 

I can't say I ever felt the way you're describing. I was pleased as punch to have boys. I don't have a close or nurturing relationship with my mother. I was always closer to my dad. I always had more male friends than female friends, and I still enjoy hanging out with male friends even though nobody would peg me as any kind of tomboy. I just feel like guys talk about more interesting things than women do, lots of times.

 

I'm also very close to my sons. I hope to have raised them to pick good women, also. I've never had any interest in having a daughter of my own.

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#14 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 11:23 AM
 
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At least in my family, there is an extremely strong preference for boys.  My great-grandmother refused to even acknowledge her five granddaughters because she was so mad they were all girls.  She just called them 'girl' and never sent gifts or anything.  My grandmother then had five grandsons and two granddaughters.  She gave her grandsons every single thing of my grandfathers (even though I begged for it) and at MY OWN WEDDING, made me get out of the picture so she could have a picture with 'her boys.'  My mother always preferred my brother and very much expressed her dislike for girls and their 'horrible behavior.'   So needless to say, I always felt discriminated against and had serious issues from the years of this talk and behavior.

 

Then I found myself pregnant with #1 and didn't even really think for a second it could be a girl.  Dh's family is foreign and they all said he had to have a boy, etc. which didn't make the pressure any better.  At the ultrasound...girl.  I was devastated.  I had so many personal issues and I knew what the reactions of the family would be.  I was right on their reactions, but once she was here, I changed my mind about girls and I couldn't be happier.  With my second, I just knew she was a girl from the beginning.  When we found out, our family tried 'consoling' us.  It was great.  Now, here I am, pregnant with #3 and they are all sure that it's a boy...I mean it just HAS to be!  It's so extremely disheartening on so many levels.  I completely despise the fact that I feel I am constantly having to defend my two beautiful, wonderful, smart daughters.  My in-laws make all kinds of comments directly to them and it's disgusting.  Dh and I both want this one to be a girl mostly because I don't want there to ever be a 'preference' if it does happen to be a boy. 

 

My experience has been that boys are much preferred.  May just be our families or it may just be that the grass is always greener on the other side.  I don't know.  It's very difficult to be put in the position of feeling like love is conditional when you know how very much you love your kids for each of their unique personalities.  Hugs to you.  My aunt has three boys and I think they are all just dolls.  My best friend is having her fourth boy and again, each one of them is such a doll.  I think so much of it is how you raise them and help them keep all those negative people and voices out of their lives.


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#15 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 11:27 AM
 
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I have a son, my firstborn, who will be 12 on Monday. I also have a daughter who is 10 1/2. When my son was born I had a moment of pure panic because I had no idea what to do with this boy! Not being a boy it's harder for me to relate to the male of the species. I don't remember what it was like when I was a little boy, or a teenage boy, because I never was one. I have discovered that the junk doesn't matter because the human emotions and experiences tend to be very much the same, regardless of sex.

 

Like other mamas, my son is my sweet guy. He's the one that comes to me for everything and talks to me and helps me out and defends me (as in when my daughter thinks I'm being a mean hag). He has always been the one of my children who wanted to cuddle with me and he would follow me around the house. I cried when he weaned himself at 7 months old because I felt like he didn't love me anymore.

 

My daughter is bright and sparkling and fun and very sweet in her own way, but it's not the same. She is more independent and forward and she just goes for what she wants. My son does too, in a way, but his "going for it" usually involves some kind of potential injury.

 

I was SO absolutely sure that this baby was a girl that I was well and truly shocked when I saw the boy parts on the sono yesterday. I almost started crying, not because I don't want another boy, but because I was so firmly attached to this person in my head. And now that person will never exist. Last night I was more than a little obsessed with naming him, because I felt like he wouldn't be "real" until he had at least a first name. Now he is Samuel and I feel like I can get to know him. Last night and this morning while in bed I was talking to him and today I feel like I am better with the idea of who this person might be.

 

It's hard for me to be too upset about another boy because I love my older son so very much. It helped that he was thrilled beyond belief to be getting the brother that he has ALWAYS wanted.


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#16 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 11:40 AM
 
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this is exactly how I felt! The little girl that was in my head.. isn't really there. Thanks for saying that..it helped me realize what I was feeling.

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I was SO absolutely sure that this baby was a girl that I was well and truly shocked when I saw the boy parts on the sono yesterday. I almost started crying, not because I don't want another boy, but because I was so firmly attached to this person in my head. And now that person will never exist. Last night I was more than a little obsessed with naming him, because I felt like he wouldn't be "real" until he had at least a first name. Now he is Samuel and I feel like I can get to know him. Last night and this morning while in bed I was talking to him and today I feel like I am better with the idea of who this person might be.

 


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#17 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 11:52 AM
 
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Yeah, I was going to say, I'm sure your fears are based on your experiences, because in my life, my Dad, brothers, and husband have all been devoted to their mothers and it has been our job as their wives to support that. If I were you, I would just determine that I were to fight for a good, healthy relationship with my sons. Read books if you have to. Stay involved and interested in their lives. When they have girlfriends, invite them into your home and for family occasions and get to know them woman to woman. When they have wives, remember their birthdays and always be friendly and supportive (but not smothering). You know what YOU'D love in a good mother-in-law.

 

This precious little one isn't even born yet, and you've already said good-bye to them forever in the arms of an obnoxious wife! I think maybe chalking this one up to pregnancy hormones, realizing that you are a bit sad over losing a wonderful experience with a birth daughter, and moving on would help a lot. I am sure you are a terrific mama of boys and you can make your life what you want, even down to raising your children with love and respect.

 

For me, I really want a baby boy. I am with Treeoflife3 in that I was so convinced that I was having a boy that even as delighted as I was to have a girl, I sometimes got confused as to her gender and occasionally I would see her as "my son". Very weird. I think boys are intimidating though, to us women, because they are really a foreign species. I don't understand all the ways a little boy's mind works. My daughter cuddles her doll babies and is a little mama. I understand that! I also think that it is much easier to raise a strong, yet feminine woman than a sensitive, yet masculine little boy. But I agree with the previous posters, I will be disappointed if I never have the opposite gender of what I have now, even though I would LOVE to have more girls!


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#18 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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You're so welcome. It's not truly the loss of a child, but it is still a form of loss. It will take me a little while to get over that. I just have to remember that it's not Samuel's fault that that little girl that could have been will never be. It was him all along, I just hadn't met him yet.
 

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this is exactly how I felt! The little girl that was in my head.. isn't really there. Thanks for saying that..it helped me realize what I was feeling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jshannyn519 View Post

  

I was SO absolutely sure that this baby was a girl that I was well and truly shocked when I saw the boy parts on the sono yesterday. I almost started crying, not because I don't want another boy, but because I was so firmly attached to this person in my head. And now that person will never exist. Last night I was more than a little obsessed with naming him, because I felt like he wouldn't be "real" until he had at least a first name. Now he is Samuel and I feel like I can get to know him. Last night and this morning while in bed I was talking to him and today I feel like I am better with the idea of who this person might be.

 




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#19 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 01:04 PM
 
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I just felt compelled to comment on your fear of your children leaving you. My DH is the primary caretaker of his mother (& father before he passed). They had dementia and Alzheimers. DH and his brother kept them home on the farm for over 6 years after diagnosis. MIL would be home now if the house was safer in general. My SIL (DH's sister) lives only an hour away and is minimally involved. She also left the farm the first day she could at 18.

 

I think as you start looking, you will find more examples of boys being close to their moms. My brother left home at a young age and he's back now. If my parents ever need care or assistance, he will be the primary since I live in Canada and they are in California. My mother drives me nuts. We get along better the further apart we live. I have been a huge disappointment to them and continue to be. We just don't do things the same.

 

My mother's brother is the primary caretaker of my grandma. She's 93 and lives at home alone so there is lots of caring to do. :)

 

I really believe that your boys will learn to care for you by the caring that your husband shows to you. If your husband shows and teaches them to love and care for you by his actions etc, then I think all will be OK.

 

Hugs to you!
 

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I think for me, I saw how close my mom was with her mother.  And my uncle was so distant.  My grandmother use to tell me how thankful she was for my mom and their relationship.  We were a very close family.  I've always had a special bond with my own mother, too.  And I wanted that experience with my own daughter.  Like you said, my son could marry a woman who turns out to not care for me very much.  I've read enough MIL posts here on MDC to know that there are quite a few women that seem very quick to cut off ties with their husband's side of the family.  It makes me so sad.

 

Yeah, this is pretty much my worst nightmare.  This was the pattern in my mom's family as well -- she stayed close, physically and emotionally, and my uncle was long gone.  She has taken on the role of taking care of her parents as they age(d) and die(d), my uncle only helps financially.  (Of course my grandparents were very cold, f-ed up people so maybe it's not the best example ...)  And my DH is not that close to his mother, so it's not like my boys will have a good example to follow. It's not like there are any problems between DH and MIL, they just don't talk very often or for very long.  In their case, my MIL has not made much of an effort to stay close, I think DH would be very accommodating if she had ... and of course, I don't like her very much, which totally conforms to the stereotype, although I certainly would never cut off ties.  I honestly can't even think of a man I  know who is close to his mother, so it seems like I will be pretty much screwed when I get older.  Once DH is gone I will be alone and end up in a nursing home if I live that long because everyone knows that men don't take care of their moms physically.  It's just all so depressing I wonder why I am even bothering to give so much of myself to children who will not be there for me later on.  Yeah, I have issues.
 




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#20 of 46 Old 01-20-2011, 06:07 PM
 
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I just wanted to add that although there seems to be a lot of venting on MDC about MILs, take heart that there are just as many of us out there who absolutely adore our MILs!!!!  My MIL is awesome and amazing and I love her to pieces.  I am so honored to be a part of her family.  Just because your little boy grows up doesn't mean you will loose him - you might actually gain a daughter in the process!!

 

I am an only child, and a nurse, and quite honestly, I will not physically take care of my parents when they become elderly.  I realize this sounds harsh but there is a lot of history between us that is not of the happy sort.  Needless to say, though our relationship is on quite good terms now, they will never live in my house.  So it just goes to show that having a daughter does, in no way whatsoever, guarantee having a caretaker when you grow old.  


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#21 of 46 Old 01-21-2011, 07:23 AM
 
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I could have wrote this thread.  As far back as I can remember, I always envisioned myself as a mother to a girl.  We found at the u/s of my first pregnancy we were having a boy. I quickly got over my girl-wanting mindset and got excited about my boy.  With my second, we didn't find out gender.  I KNEW it was another boy, and low and behold I was right.  2 brothers, how fun, blah blah blah.

 

This is my third and last pregnancy.  My "last chance" for that dreamed about daughter.  I caved at the u/s and there, plain as day, a penis.  I remained calm the rest of the u/s, but as soon as we got to the car-I was balling.  And then I didn't stop for the entire day.  I felt so selfish and over-dramatic, but part of my dream about motherhood had been crushed.  

 

I had such perfect girl names.  I was already setting aside sewing/knitting patterns in my mind.  I couldn't wait for a little one to actually care about the waldorf dolls I was making it!  I still can't even think about the mother-daughter relationship I won't be having as my children grow older.

 

I'm still having a pity party(obviously) about it, but I can see the positive side of things now.  I'm actually glad we did find out this time, because I surprised myself at how upset I was and I now I have time to get excited about boy number three, rather than holding out hope for the girl and being let down at birth.


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#22 of 46 Old 01-27-2011, 07:47 PM
 
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I'll chime in with those who didn't prefer a girl... I have a difficult relationship with my mother and worry about how I will prevent similar issues with a daughter. (Nurture runs deep, after all...) My brother lives down the street from my parents and has coffee with my mother during the workday soemtimes. My DH has always been a mama's boy, my father took care of my grandmother- not physically, but was there every weekend and any other chance he got, during her last illness, and my son (age 2) is totally a mama's boy so far. So I have a lot more models for a positive mother-son relationship than for a positive mother-daughter one. We aren't finding out what the new baby's sex is, but I have just started seeing a new therapist to talk about the mother-daughter issue, my own mother, etc... definitely agree with the other people who said that how you raise your child matters more than gender. Some women are very close to their moms, some sons are very close and remain close to their mothers. I also wanted to point out that while the way you raise them is very significant in that regard, their own temperaments also play a big role, and they come that way. You know how you can tell things about them right from the start, about their personalities? That stuff affects the adult relationship too- some people are naturally more independent and others naturally tend to stay closer to home.

I don't know if this is helpful to the original poster, but at any rate, best wishes to all.  I think we're all getting the children we need- they teach us a lot, no?

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#23 of 46 Old 01-28-2011, 05:24 AM
 
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I prefer a baby. 


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#24 of 46 Old 01-28-2011, 08:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the replies, everyone.  I'm doing much better now than I was when I first posted this thread.  I also have a difficult relationship with my mother -- very difficult -- and I think that at first, before I had kids, I thought that if I could be a good mother to daughters, it would be like healing the hurts from my own childhood.  I always wished I had a good relationship with her (well, not with her, but with the mother of my dreams) and craved close relationships with mother-figure type women.  Before I had kids I thought that I could be everything she wasn't and nothing that she was ... which is silly because our parents have influence on our own parenting.  Philosophically we are light-years apart, but sometimes I hear myself saying things that she might have said, and I hate that.  So maybe having three boys is the universe telling me that I don't need to revisit that relationship with a daughter of my own. 

 

I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything.  We all do get the children we are meant to have.


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#25 of 46 Old 01-29-2011, 07:41 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

I prefer a baby. 



Okay, obviously, I prefer a baby and I'm sure the OP does as well.  There's really no reason for the snarky-ness.  I, for one, can say that I'm totally excited for my new babe to make an appearance and that I did have a period of adjustment to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a girl(last baby).  Was it really that hard to empathize with?

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#26 of 46 Old 01-29-2011, 09:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imalego View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

I prefer a baby. 



Okay, obviously, I prefer a baby and I'm sure the OP does as well.  There's really no reason for the snarky-ness.  I, for one, can say that I'm totally excited for my new babe to make an appearance and that I did have a period of adjustment to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a girl(last baby).  Was it really that hard to empathize with?


Thank you for speaking up.  That comment really hurt my feelings.  Kawa, it's like you are disregarding all of our very legitimate feelings.  Support, not discouragement, is why we are all here.

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#27 of 46 Old 01-29-2011, 09:05 AM
 
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I have 4 girls and 1 boy and really wanted another boy. I have 3 brothers and over 20 male cousins (2 females significantly younger than I). I really wanted daughters for this reason, but sometimes I'm disappointed I was not able to give dh that "male heir" (my son is by my ex). Sometimes I think it's a "grass is always greener" thing. I do love my girls and honestly, they are so much easier than my brothers and cousins were growing up, but my son really wants a brother. wink1.gif

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#28 of 46 Old 01-29-2011, 09:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaayeh View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by imalego View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

I prefer a baby. 



Okay, obviously, I prefer a baby and I'm sure the OP does as well.  There's really no reason for the snarky-ness.  I, for one, can say that I'm totally excited for my new babe to make an appearance and that I did have a period of adjustment to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a girl(last baby).  Was it really that hard to empathize with?


Thank you for speaking up.  That comment really hurt my feelings.  Kawa, it's like you are disregarding all of our very legitimate feelings.  Support, not discouragement, is why we are all here.



 I agree. I think all of us very much love and cherish any babies we are blessed with. Unfortunately, some people have very real and deep past emotional trauma that causes a preference toward one or another gender (independent of cultural expectation or societal programming) that we are all working through. I know I was so happy about our girl because I am a woman and I felt I knew better how to parent a girl, and it would give me a chance to mother her as I was never mothered (which was healing for me). We are having a boy now and I am very much over the moon about it, but there is a teeny part of me that thinks, "okay, how can I parent a boy? I am so used to parenting a girl!". My husband even joked that he had to "learn a whole new way of being". Of course, we will adore our boy, love him every bit as our girl, and he will know he was always wanted and is a blessing -- but discounting those very valid feelings isn't helpful, imo. Different genders are different, not worse, or better, superior or inferior, just different, and adjusting can take a bit of navigating for some people.


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#29 of 46 Old 01-29-2011, 09:37 AM
 
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I really don't think that Kawa was trying to be snarky or disrespectful. Just my two cents.


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#30 of 46 Old 01-29-2011, 09:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

I prefer a baby. 



I lost my first child. Gender does take a backseat to one that's healthy and crying after that.

 

My own relationship with my mom is strained. Growing up she had this very overly sweet way of manipulating the situation so that if anyone disagreed with her ... you are really, truly evil. It messed with my head some.  I do have a daughter, she's awesome and so far, we have no big "issues" with each other. My son was my little buddy for so long and now that he's a teen.. he's separating from me some. While I understand it's normal for that age, it is a little sad. I miss him hanging on me and "helping" me with all my chores.

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