PAL (pregnancy after loss) mama's - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 10:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm trying not to focus on the negative here, but thought it would be nice to talk out some of the fears with other mama's. I've had 3 losses, the first was before I had children and the other two were just this summer. Right now I'm at 31dpo and with my loss in June I started spotting at 29dpo, so I've been really freaking out lately that it's going to happen again. The loss in August was even earlier, so I've already passed that time frame. I'm going to start feeling much more hopeful after I've passed the 8 week mark, but am trying to stay positive as I have many more symptoms than in my losses. So how you dealing with the fear?
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#2 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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I am. I lost my first before I had my daughter, and had another mc in march. I'm 5 wks5days now , and still early, but I feel good about this one most of the time. But I still worry. We had to go fertility treatments to get our daughter and this little punkin' so it's not even like it is easy to get pg again, not that it makes it easier, but having infertility along with the losses puts a long hard timeframe on things. If I loose this one, I don't know what I will do. I check for blood every time I go to the bathroom, analyze every cramp, pour over the lack of pregnancy symptoms. I really. Wish I could relax about this and enjoy it. I think I will feel better when I actually feel pregnant. It's weird. I just feel like I'm in limbo right now. I don't have the feelings of ttc, or of the loss, or the happy giddy of being pg. I went for more bw yesterday because the fertility clinic wants me to check betas every week until 10 wkd. I went yesterday, and havn't heard anything yet. I think I was less nervous before there was a lab value that will tell me if I'm Still growing a baby- but noone has called yet! Bah. I'm going for an ultrasound on the 16th, so we'll see.
I'm glad I'm not alone here- happy that we can see each other through this!

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#3 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 12:32 PM
 
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Hi there. I haven't introduced myself on this board yet, because I'm only 15 DPO, and I'm not sure how long I'll be here. But I'm glad you started a PAL thread, and I'll happily confess here that I am pregnant.

With my last pregnancy, we'd been TTC for a whole year, and I was terrified right from the beginning that I'd miscarry (and then when I did it was devastating). It took two more years to get pregnant again, and somehow I'm feeling really blank about it. I'm not feeling scared. I'm not feeling excited. I'm just feeling like my usual self, plus extreme nausea & food aversions. (Seriously, did that start this early with my other pregnancies???)

Something someone told me way back when that really resonated: Right now, you are pregnant. You are with your baby. Whatever happens, happens; but right now you are pregnant.
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#4 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 02:51 PM
 
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Wow, so glad you started this thread mamaw/two and so relieved to hear that I have so much in common with others here! I could have written parts of your posts! I've only had the one loss, back in early April at 5w4d, which I just crossed over yesterday. Yay! We too had tried for a year to get that pregnancy, and now another 6+ months of irregular and long cycles and exhausting frustrating heartbreaking trying. Actually had an appointment to get the ball rolling on fertility specialist later this month. (We also have a 3 year old DD who we had no trouble concieving or carrying!)

I started out very positive and treating this as a whole new pregnancy, and mostly I feel very different about this one. But it's a real mind game, isn't it? The "anniversary" mark of where we lost the last one hit me so much harder than I expected it to, especially when it seemed my symptoms were dropping off and my temp took a dive. I'm still temping and taking the rest of my ICs every day to reassure myself, btw. Today my temp shot back up and I'm feeling good, being past the past loss date(s) really makes a difference, doesn't it?

I love that mantra to no5no5, and have been trying to remind myself of that constantly. Today I am pregnant, and I'm thankful for that. Also following advice I've read from PAL mamas to construct small milestones to get yourself through, that seems to help me. So next is an u/s in a week or so, trying to hold out as long as I can for a good shot at a HB. After that, 8 weeks will feel good. Then OB appt at 10 weeks....

Oh and also continuing acupuncture has been amazing for the anxiety! If I could only go every other day or so, I think I'd be ok. If you can find a community acupuncture place near you (they'll have substantially lower rates, mine is only $15-35 per session), I highly recommend it!

Megan, wife to K, mama to C lady.gif (9/07), brokenheart.gif(4/10) brokenheart.gif(11/10)

And our rainbow is here! E babyboy.gif 10/11

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#5 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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It's highly unlikely that I will stick around. But, like no5no5 says, I am pregnant NOW! We had an early loss (4w3d?) the very first month we tried, then nothing till we got pregnant again in July, but by the time I got the positive I was already bleeding, and my betas were 7, then 2.

We changed a lot of stuff while taking a break, got pregnant again and I was SO SURE this was it and everything was fine. Before I got the test results from the first beta (on Friday - a 10), I was cramping and spotting, which turned to bleeding over the weekend. I figured beta#2 would come back negative for sure, but it was a 34! So I have a third beta scheduled for tomorrow am, and meanwhile my cramping and bleeding has significantly lessened. I have NO symptoms though, and still am spotting. This limbo is hell, and I have watched more movies and TV in the last 4 days than I though possible!

I can't believe I just posted in a DDC. Off to barf now!

Me + DP + 2 rescue lap dogs = True Love Always
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#6 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 03:20 PM
 
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apmama07, YES to acu!! I went to my acupuncturist within hours of the bleeding starting, and again yesterday. She's $80 a session, but specializes in fertility and I basically consider her my primary care provider right now. Yeah, DAILY would be awesome

Me + DP + 2 rescue lap dogs = True Love Always
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#7 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 04:04 PM
 
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I'll step in and join this discussion. I had a miscarriage in March and am only now beginning to come out of the depression that caused. The expected due date of the loss was actually yesterday, but luckily (?) I was too busy and sick all day to focus much on that.

I wrote this long and detailed post, but then decided it was TOO much and probably too negative to go in these forums. Suffice it to say that while I was blissfully happy during my son's pregnancy this time I don't know how to feel. I am alternately hopeful, scared, happy, worried...

We've also had some minor fertility issues (annovulatory cycles, short luteal phases sometimes, lack of fertile CM, my long 40 day cycles) and I really feel like the stars have to align to get me pregnant. I know I shouldn't be worrying about this, but the thought of starting over at square one again if something were to happen is crushing.

I really wish I could just enjoy this pregnancy and these moments. I am having an impossible time finding that happy place right now.

Lovin my SAHD DH and 2 kiddos

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#8 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 07:23 PM
 
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I'm so glad all you ladies are here. (Especially you, milletpuff. ) Staryla, if you want to be dark and morbid, this is totally the place. Go for it. We can handle it.

I just got my second beta, and it's great. Suddenly I am excited.

I seriously feel like telling people. I didn't tell anyone besides DH & DD last time around, except my sister, who ended up ratting me out to my mother. It sucked having to talk to people about it, but when I look back, it also sucked having to pretend that everything was alright when it totally was not. Maybe it'd be better to tell a few people. The other option is to wait until Christmas, which is almost exactly at the end of the first trimester.

Who are y'all going to tell, and when?
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#9 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 09:10 PM
 
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OK this is kinda cheesy, but on my iGoogle homepage one of the apps is a daily horoscope and here's part of what mine is today:

"You don't have to succumb to self-doubt today, even if something reminds you of the limitations you are now facing. Old fears aren't necessarily relevant to your current situation anyhow. Don't keep your anxiety buried or it will continue to grow. "

I don't know why a computer generated horoscope made me step back and think when nothing else has. But OMG. I need to move on. I've been totally dwelling and wallowing in worry and self-pity. Thinking back on a lot of my posts in this DDC I've brought up the m/c A LOT. That's because its been on my mind A LOT. I can't keep doing this. Nobody can change my attitude but me.

Right now I am pregnant (thank you no5no5). Somehow I am going to try to turn my thinking around. I'm going to try not to bring up the m/c in my posts (other than in threads such as this one).

I'm going to be thinking lots o' to you all and my baby! (Listening to sappy country music right now is making me cry). I'm sure I'll be on this thread talking over my fears, but I don't want my fears to be ALL that I can think/talk/or dream about. I have so much good stuff to be dreaming about right now.

Lovin my SAHD DH and 2 kiddos

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#10 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 10:06 PM
 
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got my beta results today- and they were good. 6000- so i'm pretty sure i am pregnant

I've told more people about this one than i did with the last one I lost. The m/c I had in march was a bit of a surprise pregnancy. we were taking a break from fertility treatments and i got a Period- full blown af. I had a wierd dream a week later and it made me take a pg test- which came back +. I so don't trust my body. the first 2 betas i got were good and doubling, but then the crampng, bleeding and dropping hcg came. In that roller coster week i only told dh. I really had a feeling that it wasn't a sticky one from the start. We did tell people that i lost it, tho. This time I really didn't want to tell my family that 'I used to be pregnant, but i'm not anymore' So this time, i'm a bit looser with it- still only close family and friends- the people i would tell if something went wrong. It's really helped me be more excited about it- nothing lke having someone jump for joy for you when you can't do it yourself!

Jen
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#11 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 10:08 PM
 
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to everyone.
I had my second loss this past June (first was in 2005 and I didn't even know I was pg until after everything had started). I thought I would be one of those people who just picks themselves up, dusts off and goes about my business... but this was painful in more ways than I could have imagined. I don't even really want to talk about it right now.
here's to sticky babies!

hh2.gif Proud Mama to DS1 09/07 ribboncesarean.gif, DD 07/09 hbac.gif, and DS2 06/11 uc.jpg.  Feeling more and more blessed with each day!

 

 
 
 
  

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#12 of 616 Old 11-03-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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Tracy.

Jen
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#13 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 03:03 AM
 
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I'm glad someone posted this. I have been having a lot of emotional ups and downs. Feeling excited and happy, then telling myself not to get so excited because it might not last. It is really hard to think about how I'm going to get through the next 7-14 weeks. The first milestone being getting out of the first tri, and the second being when I can feel the baby regularly.

My first BFP was an early miscarriage at 5 weeks, about 10 days after I tested. The very next month I got pregnant with our 2.5 year old daughter, and lived in fear every day that I was going to start spotting and lose her too. I'm scared about this one, but I'm trying hard not to dwell on it.

We haven't told anyone. I think we're going to wait until Christmas to surprise everyone with the news. As long as there is still news to share.

Sticky vibes to you all!!!

Mama to a daughter (3/2008) and a son (7/2011)
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#14 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 09:52 AM
 
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milletpuff thinking of you today - keep us posted! Hoping for some good news for you. I can only imagine how hard it must be to stay positive when you're bleeding like that, but the betas do sound promising. And the fact that the bleeding has slowed back to spotting. And your strong positive feeling at the beginning.

Megan, wife to K, mama to C lady.gif (9/07), brokenheart.gif(4/10) brokenheart.gif(11/10)

And our rainbow is here! E babyboy.gif 10/11

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#15 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 02:56 PM
 
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I am pregnant after three losses, two before I conceived my two childrens, and my most recent one just two months ago in August at 8 weeks.

It helps me emotionally to distance myself from my pregnancies during the first trimester, and not get too invested until later.

DS (10/03), DD (11/05) and expecting a new one (July 2011)
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#16 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 03:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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s to everyone. I read this that makes me feel better -

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."

-Benjamin Franklin

Today is exactly five monthes from the day that I went in for an u/s because of spotting and cramping and found out that they saw nothing there (blighted ovum) and I was 32 dpo, I am also 32dpo today. Kindof strange, but it gives me hope because I have had no spotting or cramping!!
With that loss, I had told everyone and it was really hard to tell what had happened. With my pregnancy following that I kept it a secret from everyone even dh, but that ended up being even harder and I broke down and told about it after it was all done. So this time I've told all my family, I figure that either way I want the support.

Staryla - love the horoscope!

milletpuff- hoping for a great beta for you today.

apmama07- I like the idea of creating milestones, that does really help

Today I am pregnant!
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#17 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 03:24 PM
 
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I will join you all here too. I am 6 weeks ow and hopeful that things will go well. I have 3 living boys and had one loss in April 2007. My first 2 pregnancies were so blissful and sweet. My third pregnancy ended in miscarriage and that sweetness ad bliss is gone for me. I had a blighted ovum that I found out after major cramping and bleeding at 7w4d. Baby had stopped developing in week 5. My pregnancy with my 3rd son was full of stress and fear. We had planned on being done having children. I was scheduled to get an IUD this month. Then we found out I was pregnant. I am so excited but so scared.

Last Friday I had a tiny bit of spotting. I freaked out- convinced that I was miscarrying. I spent the weekend on the couch. Had my betas tested. Sat it was 379 and Mon morning it was 980. I was SO relieved but I know I am not out of the woods. I have lots of symptoms which makes me feel better. I am really anxious for a u/s.

When I thought I was loosing this baby I just kept thinking "I don't want just any baby- I want THIS baby". I really hope it sticks around!

AP crunchy homeschooling mama to Henning (1/4/03), Connor (7/1/05) and Elijah (9/21/08) Forever holding my 3 lost little ones in my heart.
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#18 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 03:25 PM
 
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By the way we have told everyone (once we found out the betas). I want to try and celebrate and enjoy this pregnancy as long as it is with me.
sassygirl5146 likes this.

AP crunchy homeschooling mama to Henning (1/4/03), Connor (7/1/05) and Elijah (9/21/08) Forever holding my 3 lost little ones in my heart.
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#19 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 05:41 PM
 
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I got my third beta and it doubled again!!!!!!!! Still low (133) but the RE is totally unconcerned, they say everything looks great, and my first US is the 15th.


Me + DP + 2 rescue lap dogs = True Love Always
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#20 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 05:53 PM
 
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That is awesome. YEAH!!!

AP crunchy homeschooling mama to Henning (1/4/03), Connor (7/1/05) and Elijah (9/21/08) Forever holding my 3 lost little ones in my heart.
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#21 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 06:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milletpuff View Post
I got my third beta and it doubled again!!!!!!!! Still low (133) but the RE is totally unconcerned, they say everything looks great, and my first US is the 15th.

Hooray!! So happy for you!

Megan, wife to K, mama to C lady.gif (9/07), brokenheart.gif(4/10) brokenheart.gif(11/10)

And our rainbow is here! E babyboy.gif 10/11

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#22 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 06:47 PM
 
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A few more for you, milletpuff.

That's going to be a really early ultrasound, though, isn't it? My RE doesn't usually do them until 7 weeks because, according to her, they often don't see much before then. I've got my first on the 29th, so hopefully I can make it through Thanksgiving without freaking out too much.

mamaw/two, I love the quote. Thanks for sharing.

AFM, I keep going for the phone to call my mom & then chickening out.
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#23 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 07:23 PM
 
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Hi guys

I am here after an early m/c last month at right around 4 weeks. I am so super nervous this time, and had my first u/s this morning at only 5w1d. Gestational sac looks good, no hb yet, but hopefully we'll see that when we peek again on the 17th.

Sarah-Mommy to T (5), C (2) and baking a baby girl due in early July
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#24 of 616 Old 11-04-2010, 11:16 PM
 
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no5no5 it is early, I will be 6w1d. I wonder if they wanted to do it a bit early because my numbers are so low, to rule out ectopic? They said they generally do them at about 6 weeks. I'll be glad to see everything in the right place. Heartbeat will be a total bonus. (Remind me of that if I come back here freaking out about not being able to see the heartbeat!)

Me + DP + 2 rescue lap dogs = True Love Always
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#25 of 616 Old 11-05-2010, 10:25 AM
 
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ok, I am going to post here although I am not ready to post in the main thread. But today I AM pregnant. I am 20 dpo and my temps are still nice and high. I will temp until tomorrow as 21dpo is what confirms a bfp (even w/out a pos hpt, although I have taken several hpt's already)
This is my 8th pg. I have 4 living children. My 3rd pg ended in m/c at 12.5 wks in 2005, my 4th pg ended in m/c at 6wks in 2006, and my 7th pg ended with my son being born still into my hands at 17 wks on 8/9/10.
I got a bfp last wk and just don't know how I feel. I typically relax after i hear the hb but that isn't going to cut it this time. I am absolutely terrified to get connected to this lo. Dh is DONE so this really is my last chance so really hoping for a healthy, sticky, baby.

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#26 of 616 Old 11-05-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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Hi everyone,

I didn't want to post to the DDC yet but thought here might be safer.

I have had two ectopics after having our daughter and I am scared but you are right...I am pregnant right now! I went for my first blood draw at cd 35 (4+5) and it was 1493! My midwife was thrilled! Today I went for the second one, so I won't get the results until Monday.

I have passed the point with both ectopics where the bleeding started, so that is great. I also looked up my beta with the first ectopic and I had bloodwork done on the same cd (cycle had same o date too) and it was 252.

One step at a time. I do have tender breasts and anytime I need to remember that I am pregnant, I touch them (at home of course) haha.

I am off to make myself some lunch!

Sending sticky baby vibes to all of you!

Nicole: mama to DD and DS, childbirth educator and doula. Dancing the spiral dance of life bellycast.gif

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#27 of 616 Old 11-05-2010, 02:30 PM
 
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Are any of you still charting or testing? Just curious if I'm the only nutjob and thought other PAL mamas are most likely to understand. Even though I'm now past the point where bleeding started last time, I'm still finding that charting (everything, not just temp but CP/CF and symptoms!) and taking the rest of my ICs to watch them get darker and faster are making me feel better. I know a lot of people specifically don't do these kinds of things so that they don't fret over a little temp dip or slight change, but for me for now at least it helps.

Scheduled my u/s finally, for next Friday when I'll be 6w6d so hopefully that will put more worries to rest!

Megan, wife to K, mama to C lady.gif (9/07), brokenheart.gif(4/10) brokenheart.gif(11/10)

And our rainbow is here! E babyboy.gif 10/11

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#28 of 616 Old 11-05-2010, 02:52 PM
 
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I just want to post a huge for everyone on this thread, and I wish for strong, healthy pregnancies and babies that we all get to meet and get irritated with when they steal the car as angsty teens I'm so sorry for everyone's losses and sorry that a thread like this has to exist, but I'm sure glad it does.

I think I may be experiencing pregnancy hormones? Cos I love you all and I love all your babies! Hahah!

Me + DP + 2 rescue lap dogs = True Love Always
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#29 of 616 Old 11-05-2010, 02:55 PM
 
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APmama, I am not charting (didn't at all this cycle cos we did a trigger shot and temps have gotten me so freaked out the last few cycles), but I ran out of tests on Wednesday and I am considering getting more today. It is reassuring to see lines get darker, but I am SO SUSCEPTIBLE to freaking myself out that I am not sure it's a good idea. I don't think you are crazy at all!

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#30 of 616 Old 11-05-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milletpuff View Post
no5no5 it is early, I will be 6w1d. I wonder if they wanted to do it a bit early because my numbers are so low, to rule out ectopic? They said they generally do them at about 6 weeks. I'll be glad to see everything in the right place. Heartbeat will be a total bonus. (Remind me of that if I come back here freaking out about not being able to see the heartbeat!)
I guess that makes sense. I will for a nice, strong, early heartbeat, right where it belongs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by apmama07 View Post
Are any of you still charting or testing?
I'm done. I actually temped up until about a week before my miscarriage (at ~ 10 weeks). Which was crazy, and it made me crazy. Or it was a symptom of my being crazy. This time, I stopped at 12 DPO. I just don't need the constant stress every time my temperature dips half a degree. But if it works for you, go for it.
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