Ughhhh how am I going to do this??? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 01-04-2011, 05:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My kids turned 1 and 3 in November.  I really have my hands full- DD (3) is Little Miss Tantrum.  We need a bigger apartment (our complex won't allow 5 people in a 2 bedroom), a bigger car to hold 3 carseats (or 3 of those Radian carseats that fit 3 across but DH's car is about to crap out anyway), our house is a disaster, I am trying to get a business off the ground and until that time, we are broke.  I have so many stresses right now and I honestly don't know how I am going to manage to get 3 kids to the car and in carseats without one running in the parking lot, having a fit, etc.  It is nearly impossible as it is. 

 

I know I am just throwing this all out there and sounding like a basket case (which I am).. I just think getting some feedback would put me at ease a little.  The fact that DH does nothing to help doesn't make things easier.  I get no sleep.  I stay home with the kids so it makes sense that I would get up with them, but I NEVER get to sleep.  Like, never more than 2 hours at a time.  He manages to say "Will you get up with Kieran, just this once because I only slept an hour so far?"  Explaining does nothing plus I am codependant (ugh) and passive agressive.

 

Yeah, i am quite a gem, aren't I?  I could do this just as easily on my own.  Grr.  ANYWAY, is anyone having any doubts about handling this baby?  I know everything will just fall into place once s/he comes along, since that is how it happened with the last 2.. but 3 is going to be a big change for us.  Yikes.


Kerri, mom to Doran  angel2.gif  (born still 7/6/05 at 33 weeks), Mairaed (11/16/07),  angel1.gif 11/15/08 at 10 weeks,  Kieran (11/2/09).   angel1.gif 1/11/11 at 15 weeks
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#2 of 15 Old 01-04-2011, 07:07 AM
 
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I went through the same thing in 2009 when we were expecting DD3. I had just bought a Honda Accord when I found out I was pregnant. Three car seats weren't going into that, so I had to trade cars again before the baby and carry over so much negative equity. I refused to go to a mini van and bought a large SUV instead. (Big mistake as now I need to go to a mini van with welcoming #4 in July. Plus, I could've saved ALOT of money.) I had just lost out on a huge federal job due to the pregnancy. It seemed like a disaster waiting to happen. And then I had our two to tend to. DD1 is severely speech impaired and requires lots of therapy. I was taking her to therapy three times a week to a place that was an hour away. Then DD2 is just a mama's girl and very needy. I freaked out and was quite the basket case. But once DD3 got here, everything was okay and went very smoothly. DH was forced to pick up alot of the slack. Since then he has gotten a bit lazy and I expect that he will pitch in more once the baby gets here. It hasn't really hit him that we're expecting again, even though my belly is getting huge and I'm constantly sick.

 

But to answer your question, yes, I'm nervous about handling this baby. I work full time now in a very demanding position. DH works with CPS as an investigator, so he's always being called out. DD1 will be going into first grade when this baby is born. DD2 will be going into preschool. DD3 will still be kept by my grandparents while I work. And then this baby will be breastfed and breastfeeding is just demanding in itself in the beginning anyways. So I will be pumping at work and going to my grandparents during my lunch break to feed the baby. And the ages of our kids next summer will be: newborn, 21 months, 4 yo, and 6 yo. Yikes! If this baby is another girl, I don't know if I can handle four girls. My girls have been so demanding and needy I just really don't know if I could handle another one...


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#3 of 15 Old 01-04-2011, 08:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Charlize.  I didn't know if it was my depression and anxiety in general, or lack of money, or lack of help, etc. but now I know it is everything all compiled into one.  My mom is a teacher and said she would come help me with the kids when this baby is born during the week when DH is at work, which will be awesome. She makes me crazy sometimes but she is a HUGE help.   Maybe I need to start taking baby steps towards resolving some of these things- or at least make lists because when everything is rolling around in the ol' noggin, it seems so overwhelming. 


Kerri, mom to Doran  angel2.gif  (born still 7/6/05 at 33 weeks), Mairaed (11/16/07),  angel1.gif 11/15/08 at 10 weeks,  Kieran (11/2/09).   angel1.gif 1/11/11 at 15 weeks
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#4 of 15 Old 01-04-2011, 09:31 AM
 
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Lists are awesome. Make a list of things that need to be done before baby gets here. Then just tackle them one by one as you can do them. That helped us alot. And I'll more than likely do the list again with this baby.

 

Depression is awful during pregnancy. I'm going through it too and it takes a toll on everything and everyone. I would take the meds, but I'm not comfortable with the risks and the fact my OB said no nursing while taking the meds.


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#5 of 15 Old 01-04-2011, 06:40 PM
 
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I am completely freaked out. What ever made me think 3 kids would be a good idea? Both my kids are high needs, terrible sleepers, DD is a complete velcro kid, my house is an utter disaster, we also need a car that can fit 3 carseats, we have pretty much no help, adn DH is working his main job as well as trying to get his own business off the ground, which means he works his day job from 8-5, comes home, eats, he DOES help get DS to sleep, then he leaves for his business until 2-4 am, so he is always trying to get more sleep himself. He las let me sleep in ONE time since dd was born, adn she just turned 2. Oh yeah, neither kid naps, nor will they play by themselves.

 

I'm on the verge of panic. Today the dog peeing on the floor (which she does ALL.THE.TIME because she's ancient, adding to my stress and the filthiness of the house) made me completely lose it, enough that the TWO YEAR OLD was trying to comfort ME. Not sure how I'm going to make it through this pregnancy much less once the baby gets here. Please god, let me have an easy-going baby this time. Please. I can't do the "will only sleep ON ME unitl 18 months again. I can't.

 

So yeah, as you can see, I'm right there with you. And then there's the guilt because I'm not as excited about the baby as I should be. Ay yi yi.


Kelly, wife to DH, mom to Caden Reese (10-2-06), Tessa Brynn (12-26-08 ), and Maddox Quinn (7-16-11). Fur-mama to Finnegan, Ripley, Raisin (my little kitty amputee) and Kimchi. 748/2011, 2028/2012-I did it!! 2023/2013-Again!!! 404/2014
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#6 of 15 Old 01-04-2011, 09:32 PM
 
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I'm in a similar place, but trying not to worry about it.

We may look into buying a bigger used car with our tax refund, otherwise we will just buy carseats that will fit across the backseat of our 98 Ford Escort... We live in a 2 bedroom duplex, and aren't planning on telling our landlord I'm pregnant... Our lease is up at the end of July, and I don't want him to make us move because of adding another person, especially because I know that, at least according to city code, a baby doesn't count as a person until 1 year old. Having a baby and moving in the same month would be hell.

Add to that the fear that I could have twins (I'm measuring big, and I know via u/s right before I O'd that I could very well have ovulated 2 eggs when I got pregnant), and the fact that my husband hasn't had a permanent full-time job since February of 2009, and my doula business isn't really a money-maker... We have NO idea how we're going to pay my midwife, and really don't even have much to barter with her... thankfully she is a friend and is working with us to figure something out... Insurance won't even touch her though, so it's entirely out of pocket.

The thing that helps me relax and go with it is thinking about our experience last time with DD... she nearly died from complications due to her birth defect, TWICE. We had just gotten married and moved into our current place. DH lost his job because she was sick (because he wasn't able to focus on work, and was missing work b/c she had so many surgeries). I had never spent more than a day or two away from DS, who was 2 1/2 at the time, and had to be separated from him for a very long period of time in order to be with DD when she needed me. After 4 months in the NICU and 6 weeks getting experimental treatment 2000 miles from home, I figure if we can get through that, we can get through pretty much anything.

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#7 of 15 Old 01-05-2011, 04:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, so I am not alone. I am relieved to hear that in some places, babies don't count as people till they are 1.  Our lease is also up in July and I am frankly not thrilled at the prospect of moving with a newborn or when I am 40 weeks pregnant.  I am going to call the property manager today and see what our options are.  DH's commute is an hour each way so if we did move it would at least be closer to his work (but further away from his parents, thus free babysitters).  We filed for bankruptcy in July so there is very little hope of us gettng a car loan and I am ready to throttle DH because he INSISTS we need a new car instead of new carseats.  It isn't like i am going to dare to leave the house with 3 kids- I barely leave home with 2 as it is!  As far as I am concerned, the only way I will be leaving the house is to drive to the mental hospital!  hah!

 

Yeah, so the bankruptcy is going to affect our ability to get a new apartment I am sure.  We have good rental history at least and I am hoping enough people have gone through financial difficulties that there is some forgiveness by apartment complexes and stuff.  We had an adorable house in maine but no jobs so we had to move back to MA and lost the house.  Living in a complex does have its benefits- no more shoveling or lawn mowing, which I always did because DH is a louse.  (oops, did I say that out loud?  Pregnancy hormones comin atcha!) 

 

OK now that I have aired all my dirty laundry... hope you all are feeling better about your situations.  I am making my list today. 

Love to all


Kerri, mom to Doran  angel2.gif  (born still 7/6/05 at 33 weeks), Mairaed (11/16/07),  angel1.gif 11/15/08 at 10 weeks,  Kieran (11/2/09).   angel1.gif 1/11/11 at 15 weeks
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#8 of 15 Old 01-06-2011, 06:35 AM
 
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Don't worry about the bankruptcy. Yes, it's a "biggie," but you have to look at the whole scheme of things. We went through bankruptcy slightly over two years ago. We've been working on rebuilding our credit ever since our case was closed and have done quite well. On big ticket items such as a car, we do have to have a co-signer. Our families usually have no problems co-signing for us and we get great rates that way. We're currently looking into buying a house post-bankruptcy and have found after two years it's not much different so long as you buy a house that has alot of equity in it (i.e. the sale price is much lower than the value) or can provide a decent down payment. When we did a lease on the duplex we are moving out of this week, it didn't hurt us either. And it's a very nice subdivision. So there is definitely hope!

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#9 of 15 Old 01-06-2011, 09:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone!  I talked to our property manager yesterday and we have till the baby is 1.. so that was a relief.  DH can transfer closer to home by this coming July so at that point we will try to figure out if we are staying or going.  Also, I have been hanging around on the simplifying/ decluttering board and got very motivated to do some decluttering and organizing.  I am no longer asking DH if we can throw something away because he seems to be a bit of a packrat.  Clutter and messiness (I am chronically disorganized) stress me out unbelievably so I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

 

Baby steps, I always say.. so far, the hoosier and 2 kitchen cabinets are done. Go me!

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#10 of 15 Old 01-06-2011, 10:31 AM
 
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Thanks everyone!  I talked to our property manager yesterday and we have till the baby is 1.. so that was a relief.  DH can transfer closer to home by this coming July so at that point we will try to figure out if we are staying or going.  Also, I have been hanging around on the simplifying/ decluttering board and got very motivated to do some decluttering and organizing.  I am no longer asking DH if we can throw something away because he seems to be a bit of a packrat.  Clutter and messiness (I am chronically disorganized) stress me out unbelievably so I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

 

Baby steps, I always say.. so far, the hoosier and 2 kitchen cabinets are done. Go me!


Glad to hear your mind was put at ease! I'm desperately working at decluttering too... DH and I both tend to be packrats (although he doesn't admit it). I have an easier time getting rid of stuff than he does, though. Right now we're trying to get our main living areas cleaned up, and then I'm planning on going through all of our STUFF and reducing it by at least 1/3 to 1/2. We have way too much stuff, especially to think of adding another person's worth of stuff to it. Way to go on the baby steps! I did my clothes yesterday, I got all of the clothes I can wear (and should be able to wear all the way through pregnancy) put away, and the clothes I can't/won't be able to wear (which was surprisingly few) in a pile on the shelf in the closet.


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#11 of 15 Old 01-06-2011, 11:39 AM
 
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Hmmm...maybe decluttering is the key?? I have also been hanging out in that forum-both DH and I are ALSO packrats (my frugal side always kicks in and says "maybe you'll need it/use it/want it someday") but I joined the 2011 in 2011 thread and although I have not been doing as well as some folks on there, I have started, and have gotten super motivated to get rid of tons of unused kid's toys as well as all the CRAP we seem to hold on to.

 

Today I also seem not as tired?? I'm almost afraid of jinxing myself, LOL. I'm tired, but not down-to-the-bone-exhausted. So maybe that is easing up, which will certainly make things easier. I still can't do much after teh kids go to bed, but I definitely got a lot more accomplished than usual today so far, and once I am done with my little break here, I'm going to get stuff ready for an upcoming consignment sale.

 

I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle the 3rd, and I am still hoping with every fiber in my being for a more easy-going kiddo, but hey! Any day I feel even a little bit better is good, right? Maybe we can keep encouraging each other until we all "fake it til we make it"! :)


Kelly, wife to DH, mom to Caden Reese (10-2-06), Tessa Brynn (12-26-08 ), and Maddox Quinn (7-16-11). Fur-mama to Finnegan, Ripley, Raisin (my little kitty amputee) and Kimchi. 748/2011, 2028/2012-I did it!! 2023/2013-Again!!! 404/2014
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#12 of 15 Old 01-06-2011, 07:22 PM
 
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I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle the 3rd, and I am still hoping with every fiber in my being for a more easy-going kiddo, but hey! Any day I feel even a little bit better is good, right? Maybe we can keep encouraging each other until we all "fake it til we make it"! :)



The only way I'm going to handle the 3rd is because the 1st will be going to kindergarten in August! ;)


doula, wife to Dave ribbonyellow.gif, mom to Noah (5/14/06) superhero.gifand Faith (11/13/08) ribbonlime.gif (Gastroschisis Awareness) 127 days in the NICU, and 6 weeks thousands of miles from home, because of gastroschisis.  Expecting #3 2ndtri.gif July 2011! computergeek2.gif www.frugallynatural.org
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#13 of 15 Old 01-07-2011, 10:30 AM
 
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No such luck for me, LOL. We are planning to homeschool, but even if we weren't, DS wouldn't be going until he is nearly 6, so we still have almost 2 more years from now.

 

my MIL keeps pushing me to put DS in preschool, but that would leave DD home without a playmate, which i don't think will help much overall. She no longer naps, so the whole time I'd be having to entertain her as well as take care of the baby.Nope, better for me to keep DS home and the 2 of them can play together. (Or fight, as the case may be)


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#14 of 15 Old 01-08-2011, 01:36 PM
 
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I have 3 kids, 19, 6 and 3. They will be 20, 7 and 4 when this baby is born. I wanted this baby desperately. Now I'm scared to death that I won't be able to handle 3 LOs. I think that is normal and natural. I've had 2 dreams so far that I left or lost my youngest. Very bizarre but I think it must have something to do with my anxiety about having another baby. My youngest is very high needs right now. He seems to fuss and cry a lot and won't let me comfort him. I think I'm worried about the fact that I'll have even less time and energy for him once the new baby comes. I'll figure it out because I have to. I'll ask for help when I need it, get support where I can get it.

 

I have to say that I don't think that you should have to always be responsible for everything with the kids because you stay home. I look at it this way. My dh works outside the home. My job is at home taking care of the kids while he is at work, same hours as him. When he is home the kids and the home are the responsibility of both of us. Why should he get time off and not me? Just because he can leave his work place and I can't? I don't think so. If your dh doesn't help when you ask, then you need to demand it. He can easily swing a couple of hours a weekend at the park or the library or something so you can get a break, take a relaxing bath or nap. Then it's your responsibility to use that time to truly relax. Don't see it as an opportunity to catch up on housework or laundry. You need to take time for yourself.

 

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#15 of 15 Old 02-02-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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I have 3 kids, 19, 6 and 3. They will be 20, 7 and 4 when this baby is born. I wanted this baby desperately. Now I'm scared to death that I won't be able to handle 3 LOs. I think that is normal and natural. I've had 2 dreams so far that I left or lost my youngest. Very bizarre but I think it must have something to do with my anxiety about having another baby. My youngest is very high needs right now. He seems to fuss and cry a lot and won't let me comfort him. I think I'm worried about the fact that I'll have even less time and energy for him once the new baby comes. I'll figure it out because I have to. I'll ask for help when I need it, get support where I can get it.

 

I have to say that I don't think that you should have to always be responsible for everything with the kids because you stay home. I look at it this way. My dh works outside the home. My job is at home taking care of the kids while he is at work, same hours as him. When he is home the kids and the home are the responsibility of both of us. Why should he get time off and not me? Just because he can leave his work place and I can't? I don't think so. If your dh doesn't help when you ask, then you need to demand it. He can easily swing a couple of hours a weekend at the park or the library or something so you can get a break, take a relaxing bath or nap. Then it's your responsibility to use that time to truly relax. Don't see it as an opportunity to catch up on housework or laundry. You need to take time for yourself.

 


Ditto that!


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