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#1 of 22 Old 02-03-2011, 08:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And now I don't know what to do. This summer I will have four kids, ages six years and under.

 

No real reason given. He no longer enjoys coming home and is miserable when he gets here. He can't even say anything to me without fighting and arguing. He moved out briefly once earlier during the pregnancy and we got things straight and got things going really good. Then one night we had an argument about a month back and everything went sour.

 

I'm just in shock. It seems more realistic that I will be delivering this baby as a single mama and caring for all these kids on my own. I can't wrap my head around all of this. All I can do is look at our daughters and cry.

 

I'm sorry this isn't well composed. I just needed to get this out...


Charlize, married to DH 4/12/04. Mom to DD1 (4/2005) dust.gif, DD2 (3/2007) blowkiss.gif, and DD3 (10/2009) bouncy.gif, and DD4 (6/2011) energy.gif.
 
 

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#2 of 22 Old 02-03-2011, 08:28 PM
 
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Oh I am so sorry, hopefully this is just temporary and you can work it out. I don't know the situation. Do you think things will be better on your own? The timing couldn't be worse but maybe having 4 kids and being single will be easier than 4 kids in a tumultuous relationship? Regardless of how it all turns out, try to relax ( know easier said than done) I wish I could tell you to have a glass of wine...;) Take a bath and extra special care of yourself the next couple of months. Do you have a lot of support around you?


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#3 of 22 Old 02-03-2011, 08:35 PM
 
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I don't have any words, just grouphug.gif. So very sorry mama. What awful timing :(


winner.jpgFormer WIC Peer Breastfeeding Counselor (2005-2011) now SAHM to bouncy.gif DD (8/2003), thumbsuck.gif DD (8/2008homebirth.jpg ), mate to jammin.gif since 07/2000. Expecting Baby Roo Mid July 2011!  stork-suprise.gifcd.gif

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#4 of 22 Old 02-04-2011, 01:18 AM
 
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I'm so so sorry Charlize. hug.gif


 

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#5 of 22 Old 02-04-2011, 05:05 AM
 
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I am so sorry. I went through the birth of my second as a single mama. Her dad left and she still hasn't met him. It was hard but I found I got support from my mom, friends, and people at work. I had a friend offer to be my birth coach. My only advice is let others help you and be good to yourself. Hugs.

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#6 of 22 Old 02-04-2011, 06:20 AM
 
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Charlize I'm so sorry. Do you think he might be having an affair? I just went through this in Sept. (found out my husband had an affair), then I got pregnant! I too had visions of being a single mama to 4. We are in reconciliation and it is hard. Sometimes I still think I may end up alone. I think he loved her....feel like he stays with me out of pity... I have given him permission to leave me, but he hasn't.

 

I know you are very scared right now, but the best thing you can do is stay strong for the kids and baby, and if your husband comes back, just try to show strength...and show him all the ways you have prepared to go on without him. I recently read that no one can really love each other unconditionally, it is a choice. You can choose to still love him and maybe it will click in his head that his unhappiness is really selfishness. If you show him you are not selfish and can still give love even after his abandonment, there is a big chance he will feel the regret he should.

 

As for your kids, praise your husband in front of them and especially in front of him...that will show him you still care without actually begging for him to return.

 

I didn't beg my husband to stay, but I have been nagging alot about the affair and if he was happy and I want to talk a lot about our relationship and it always seems to put us a step back. When I don't mention how hurt I am and act happy, he seems more apologetic and loving.

 

These are just all things I am going through now, and it is so very hard even more when you are pregnant full of emotions..

 


I'm a  Christian, homeschooling, kinda crunchy mama to 3, lucky step-mom to 1 and expecting a new firecracker in Julysaynovax.gifhomeschool.gifh20homebirth.gifcd.gifsewmachine.gif
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#7 of 22 Old 02-04-2011, 06:55 AM
 
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Oh my goodness. I can only imagine! If you feel like some extra support, try posting in the Parents as Partners forum. The mamas over there are really experienced and know a ton of resources and really it's just nice to be able to talk to people who understand. Before and during the process of deciding whether to divorce, they were super supportive to me. They'll support to with resources both towards a ~healthy~ reconcilliation and helping you deal with the possibility of single-parenthood if that's where things are headed...at least temporarilly. I really can't recommend them enough as a resource for support!

 

Please take care of yourself! Rally your support system. You might not want to tell everyone, but it's vital to have a core circle of friends/family that you can be completely honest with and not have to put on a brave face. Journalling was very therapeutic for me. I could hash and rehash things to death and get them out of my system. Lots of hugs!! I'm not a big cyber-hugger, but this is extra-ordinary circumstances!!!

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#8 of 22 Old 02-04-2011, 11:02 PM
 
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Just wanted to give some hugs. I hope things work out the best way possible. Thinking of you and your family!


Michelle SAHM to K (3/2004)  H (8/2006) P (7/2011) & we're missing Finley Jonas born still, July 27, 2010 

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#9 of 22 Old 02-05-2011, 01:08 AM
 
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hug2.gifhug2.gifhug2.gifPlease come over to the single parents board there are lost of mumma's over there that have been there, survived, and thrived.  hug2.gifhug2.gifhug2.gif

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#10 of 22 Old 02-05-2011, 08:50 AM
 
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Charlize, I'm so sorry. Know that you can always post and talk to us! We'll be here to support you. hug.gif

Married to my wonderful DH 5/2010, Mom to DS1 Kayden 7-14-2011 wild.gif and DS2 Jakob 8-29-2013 babyf.gif


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#11 of 22 Old 02-05-2011, 05:55 PM
 
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Charlize I am so sorry. 


Leslie, mama to Paige 8, Zara 3 and Audrey, Sophia & Nina June 7/11 @32.6
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#12 of 22 Old 02-06-2011, 02:24 PM
 
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Im so sorry Charlize! Is he willing to go to counseling? It sounds like you desperately need it!

Mother of 3, welcomed a new baby girl July 2011

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#13 of 22 Old 02-07-2011, 09:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all of the advice. This is an awful situation and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

He's not willing to go to counseling. We went through counseling at a local church for a month or so back in the fall and it didn't really work. We got things going good again and then something happened and everything was worse after that. I'm almost certain he needs anti-depressants, but he says he doesn't because he only feels the way he does when he comes home, he's fine the rest of the time. We visited yesterday because I needed him to go out of town with me to take care of an errand. Well, we left fighting and returned fighting. We did have an okay lunch, though. He's already splitting up the finances, which is something we've never done before. He opened a new bank account and will have his pay check direct deposited to it and an allotment deposited in our joint checking account we've used forever. I just feel like by him splitting things up he's moving forward with making this permanent. His reply was he just doesn't know what to do right now. Things aren't getting better thus far and he just really doesn't know if we'll reconcile or divorce. I'm trying to stay strong in front of the kids, but when I'm alone or not at work I break down. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it's hard to. Especially when he gets angry and starts threatening divorce.


Charlize, married to DH 4/12/04. Mom to DD1 (4/2005) dust.gif, DD2 (3/2007) blowkiss.gif, and DD3 (10/2009) bouncy.gif, and DD4 (6/2011) energy.gif.
 
 

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#14 of 22 Old 02-07-2011, 11:05 AM
 
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Charlize,

I am so sorry that this is happening.

You need to contact a lawyer if he is splitting up the finances.  We all hope and pray for the best, but you need to make sure you and your children are protected financially.

Keep your chin up for your little ones -- you are stronger than you think!  Amayhew gave you great advice.

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#15 of 22 Old 02-07-2011, 12:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlize View Post

He's already splitting up the finances, which is something we've never done before. He opened a new bank account and will have his pay check direct deposited to it and an allotment deposited in our joint checking account we've used forever. I just feel like by him splitting things up he's moving forward with making this permanent.
 

 

Charlize you need legal advice ASAP. Things can run of the rails very quickly once household finances are being to be divided by during a separation and divorce. Money in your join account is accessible to both of you. A lawyer will be able to advise how to legally divide the joint account. You need to know your legal rights and responsibilities.


Is the "allotment" meant to be a spousal and child support payment?

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#16 of 22 Old 02-07-2011, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, the allotment will be money for us. We just ordered new debit cards for the joint account. I will be holding his until further notice. I've told him I don't see why he would need it when he has his own checking account now.


Charlize, married to DH 4/12/04. Mom to DD1 (4/2005) dust.gif, DD2 (3/2007) blowkiss.gif, and DD3 (10/2009) bouncy.gif, and DD4 (6/2011) energy.gif.
 
 

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#17 of 22 Old 02-08-2011, 02:54 AM
 
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Charlize, I am so sorry.

You might be absolutely right about antidepressants. My DH threatened to leave me shortly after we got married and really had no reason but the fact that he does not love me enough. Shortly after that we went to counseling and it became apparent that he is depressed and suffers from severe anxiety. Once he started taking medication, things quickly improved because to be honest who can feel a lot of love when constantely worrying and angry and fearful. This never happend again although he has gone through more bouts of GAD and depression.

I have learnd over the years that he needs to realize this on his own. Talking and telling him to get back on meds does nothing but cause him to not be able to accept it.

 

I would also contact a lawyer (maybe there are pro bono lawyers?) and make sure to not see him much. I would also make sure that your children stay with him for at least 2 days a week, so he feels the load you are carrying alone and so you have time to recuperate and take care of yourself.

 

I am sure you will get through this but his behavior is extremely selfish. Leaving a pregnant wife with 3 kids is not acceptable. And if he really does leave for good, he needs to quickly realize that he will also have to take care of the kids and not just dish out the cash.

 

I am sending you strength and as a PP said: you can always come here for support!


Barbara, Mama to Isabel (06/2004), Jake (08/2006-03/2007), Noah (01/2008), and Matteo (07/2011) 
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#18 of 22 Old 02-08-2011, 06:11 AM
 
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Damn, hon.  I'm sorry.  My husband also struggles with depression, and it can be such poison to a relationship.  Especially when the person who's depressed doesn't take the responsibility for getting themselves treated and better.  I don't really have any words of advice, just please know that you're not alone.


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#19 of 22 Old 02-08-2011, 07:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, last night he went to dinner with DD1 and I. Things went very well. He has decided to leave the finances intact and everything goes into the same checking account, but until we get everything worked out he will be staying with his parents. I told him I was freaking tired of being toyed with and he either needed to decide if he wants to divorce or work things out, but I'm not putting up with any bs. Last night he was like he used to be... laughing, joking, everything. It's completely different from how it was before.

 

I spoke to a lawyer and he's actually giving me almost triple what he's required to by law. I mean, he's literally giving me almost everything he makes. He wants to have the kids as much as possible and he says he's not opposed to working things out and eventually coming home, but he doesn't want to come home until we work things out. He actually admitted he has not treated me right and has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. And of course, he doesn't want the girls seeing all of it and hearing the arguments. I'm not withholding them, but I have a very demanding job and when I get home from work, it's time to eat and get them to bed. It's not enough. I do feel some resentment about having to share my time with them. DH and the kids are all I really have. Yes, my family lives locally, but I prefer not to be around them. They began the problems with our marriage. They kept us from DH almost the entire time he was in the military because of whatever reasons they could come up with to guilt me into staying. And that has been a huge hurdle for us to get over. I'm not sure DH will ever forgive that. My family is also constantly looking at the down side of everything and bad mouthing DH right now and I just don't need to be around that. They babysit our daughters, so after work I see them for a minute, get the girls, and go about my business.

 

I have a question though... Why should I not see him much since we are working towards working out our problems? Wouldn't we need to see other as time allows?


Charlize, married to DH 4/12/04. Mom to DD1 (4/2005) dust.gif, DD2 (3/2007) blowkiss.gif, and DD3 (10/2009) bouncy.gif, and DD4 (6/2011) energy.gif.
 
 

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#20 of 22 Old 02-08-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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Since I am the one who said not to see him, I guess I need to qualify: The ex-wife of my brother quickly realized what she gave up and is back to seeing him almost every day, she calls, shares her life, gets his company and the convenience of having a very good "friend" but all he gets in return is to keep wondering if one day she will want him back (she is the one who left because she did not love him anymore). We have pretty much all told him that if he wants to move on, he needs to stay away from her (she is not in love, she just bathes in his feelings for her comfort since being alone is not as nice as she once thought). He has also been told by the therapist he has been seeing.

I just believe if you have to be alone, really alone then going back to your family might not seem like such a bad idea.

 

I am glad things went ok over dinner!


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#21 of 22 Old 02-08-2011, 12:17 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you have to go through all this.  You must feel just sick.  hug2.gif  It really bugs me what your husband said about not being happy when he's at home.  I mean good grief, is it really that bad to be with your wife and kids?  I see your kids are really closely spaced too.  That might be part of the issue.  DH and I went through a rough patch after our 3rd back to back baby (3 of the 4 are every 2 years).  It was just overwhelming to him, which irritated me because that is what HE wanted in the first place.

 

I hope things work out for you.  Please vent to us any time!  Big hugs!


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#22 of 22 Old 02-09-2011, 05:24 AM
 
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I agree that your DH should consider talking to - not a therapist - but a psychiatrist. I think it sounds more like bi-polar disorder than depression, and between those two it's really important to get a correct diagnosis.

Being married to someone who suffers from a mental illness is very tough. And honestly, if he's going to fix it, he needs to first realize that he needs help. A couples therapist for the two of you is great, but it will *not* help if he is suffering from something like bipolar or depression. Or rather, it might help - when he's feeling good - but it will do nothing when he's not. Long term mental illness is typically caused by something physical - often a chemical imbalance in the brain - and won't go away without addressing the physical side of it.

My DH suffered from untreated depression for years, long before I ever met him. Whenever he got overwhelmed with life, he would go out and do stupid and destructive things. It escalated until he left me, and then finally hit rock bottom. Only then could he really see what he was doing and get help. After that, we had some long discussions about him getting help for him before we even considered whether he and I had a future. I had and have no interest in being his babysitter or his nurse. He got healthy, and then we worked things out between us. He still backslides some times, or things get overwhelming, but now we can talk it out and work it out as a team.

Anyway, that was a big ramble, wasn't it? My point is that I DO believe things can work out, if you both want it to and you both are honest and up front about your problems and getting help for them. I also believe that you're right to block out the negative influences during this time. There are always ots of people around who will delight in telling you how awful he is and how they always knew this would happen. How helpful is that?It's not! And my worry would be to make sure that your family is not making nasty comments about your DH to your children.

Married to my wonderful DH 5/2010, Mom to DS1 Kayden 7-14-2011 wild.gif and DS2 Jakob 8-29-2013 babyf.gif


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