My best friend lost her 4 week old baby - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 12-11-2008, 01:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am so sad yesterday I got the most awful news I ever could have imagined. My best friend meant to be sister had lost her brand new baby. Woke to him not breathing. I feel so awful I am not in the same state and don't have a way to get there. I wish so badly I could be there for her and her family. Every time I think of her I cry and I try so hard not to cry when she calls me to talk to be supportive but it is so hard.
How can I help her? What do I say and not say? Is there a gift something I can do to help her grieve?
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#2 of 6 Old 12-11-2008, 03:51 AM
 
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I'm so sorry.
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#3 of 6 Old 12-11-2008, 08:40 AM
 
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the best gift you can give her is your honesty. just cry on the phone with her instead of trying to hide it.

i recall something from my childhood that has stayed with me. i overheard a mom who had lost her elem child to cancer say the best support she got was when her dd's best friend coming over sitting on her lap and just crying together. no words. nothing.

for me the best gift i can give to a grieving person is to show them how deeply moved/affected i have been. kuddos to you for being able to hold ur tears. losing my bf's child to me is like losing my own. i am like a second parent to her son. and i would be absolutely devastated if something happened to him.

really just go with ur gut. if u feel called to cry do so.

if it is easier write her a letter telling her hwo you are geiving too.

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#4 of 6 Old 12-11-2008, 07:40 PM
 
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please please read this and have anyone else around her read it: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=130836

and:

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.




please just BE there for her. that's all. it's not much. nothing else. just BE there. that's all. if by phone or email or whatever.
I am so sorry for you and her and her family. something none of us should ever have to go through.

Rebecca

wife since 1992; mom to: J 7-95; H 5-98; C 2-03; S 4-05; Micah Zachary born still UC 4-08; UM 9-08; due June 2010
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#5 of 6 Old 12-12-2008, 01:44 AM
 
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don't get awkward and stop talking to her, or think you can't spend time with her if you have kids of your own. know that anything you say to her or do for her will be appreciated, even if she can't express her appreciation at the time. keep writing and calling, even if she doesn't call back.

sometimes we can't really bring ourselves to call back. sometimes we don't have anything to say. but that doesn't mean we don't need and crave the contact with our loved ones.

that's honestly one of the worst parts of all this - that i feel like i've fallen out of touch with many friends and loved ones because they don't know what to say to me and thus they don't call anymore. don't be that person.

i'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss.

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#6 of 6 Old 12-12-2008, 02:35 AM
 
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ktbug reminded me to that anything and everything that happens during this time she will probably remember forever. new baby hormones and all that.

wife since 1992; mom to: J 7-95; H 5-98; C 2-03; S 4-05; Micah Zachary born still UC 4-08; UM 9-08; due June 2010
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