My friend died...I'm confused.. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 12-26-2008, 11:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I found out about an hour ago through e-mail from my friend's mother, that my friend died of an aparant drug overdose. A weird way to deliver the message, but I am sure it has been a long hard day and we communicate that way usually anyway (her mother an I). I don't know much else than it was yesterday and probably drugs, because my friend has been battling this for the last 6 years or so.

Anyway, I have never known anyone well whom has died. I cried a little, but mostly it feels very surreal and I am confused about how to feel. She died yesterday, on Christmas. She (my friend) had just e-mailed me on Christmas eve... I just feel kind of lost and upset.

I feel like I should go to the book store and buy a book on loss or something. I just don't know how to deal with this, as it feels very sudden...The last time we spoke was over the phone a few months ago and she was just out of rehab (again).

I am also not religious, and not very sure if I believe in god...ironically I was just questioning if I was agnostic or an athiest this morning...so I don't really know how I feel about where she is now, or the "she is with me" "she is in a better place.."

I honestly just keep hoping that her mother will tell me that she was just playing a cruel prank on me or something. I am in such disbelief. What do I do now? I feel like I should be sobbing and laying in bed for months distraught, but I don't internally feel that way....yet I feel if I am not that sad on the outside I am forgetting her or not caring enough or something.

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#2 of 10 Old 12-27-2008, 12:20 AM
 
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I am sorry for your loss and the confusion that it brings.
I am sorry for her family -- sudden loss through the pain of addiction is very hard to deal with.

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#3 of 10 Old 12-27-2008, 12:34 AM
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I've lost a couple of people that I was close to, and for me it just took awhile to sink in. Initially, I think you can be in a form of mild shock. It takes time to process what happened, and the real grief comes when you start to miss the person.

FWIW, I'm an atheist and it doesn't cause me sadness to think that my loved ones are not somewhere watching me. I believe that energy continues, and the energy that my loved ones carried is just assimilated into the energy that makes up the universe. I think that's pretty awesome.

Sorry for your loss.
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#4 of 10 Old 12-27-2008, 01:15 PM
 
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Hugs. Losing a friend is horrible and losing a friend through drugs is added pain. I think you are in shock. My guess is that you will probably start to come out of it in the next couple of days and grief will come up. The fact that she emailed you the day before she died makes me think you are pretty close. There will be tenderness when the loss sinks in.

Hang in there and I don't know if you need to know about the bigger picture right now, god, no god, maybe god, ....I think what is most important at this time is your tender feelings. Stay there and worry about a 'greater place'..later.

hugs

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#5 of 10 Old 12-27-2008, 04:57 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine committed murder-suicide, killing his wife and then himself, last summer. I was in shock and like you, kept thinking I'd get a phone call telling me it was a prank. It truly didn't hit me for about a month or so. I was so confused... and somewhat forgetful and absentminded for awhile. When it did hit me I spent several days with a box of tissues just letting it all out.

HUGS to you hon. It's so terrible to think about.

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#6 of 10 Old 12-27-2008, 05:13 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

A friend of ours died recently from a heroin overdose We were not really close and hadn't seen him in over a year but it was still hard to accept.

I think that death as a result of drugs is difficult because it is often unexpected (even if they had a long term problem, it seems like overdosing happens to people you don't know), but yet it's different than say a car accident because you tend to blame the user for essentially causing their own death. I would equate it more with suicide than anything else, even if said person wasn't trying to end their life with drugs, yk?

In the end, though, your friend is still gone -- regardless of the cause. you have to mourn and remember the good times, try not to concentrate on the reason they passed. I found this helpful because I did not want my memories of our friend to focus on his drug use and his demise as a result of it.

I'm sorry, again. And hope you have a strong support system to work thru your grief and your feelings regarding your friends death.

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#7 of 10 Old 12-27-2008, 07:01 PM
 
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I am so very sorry.

A group of people dealing with friends/family battling addiction (alanon for example) could be helpful to you.

I really feel for you and I am so sorry for your loss.
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#8 of 10 Old 12-27-2008, 07:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyactsofcharity View Post
I am so very sorry.

A group of people dealing with friends/family battling addiction (alanon for example) could be helpful to you.

I really feel for you and I am so sorry for your loss.
I too am sorry for you loss.
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#9 of 10 Old 12-28-2008, 12:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts, comments, and care. I still feel like I am in a movie and the happy end to this tragic story has yet to come. I still don't think it has soaked in that my friend is gone, but I have been spending a lot of time remembering our time together. I am now working on writing something for her memorial. I also have a few other ideas on how to honor her, and hopefully work through this a bit.

The drug aspect is very hard for me to deal with because my father isn't apart of my life (though he is alive) because of his struggle with drugs. I constantly wonder if this is how he will pass away.

I keep saying out loud and in my head when thinking about my friend, "R--------- is dead" as though some how by saying it I will drill the reality into my mind. I was also talking to my mom about how I have this need to see her...open casket, or I even said "I wonder if police took pictures" which sounds strange to me, but my mom said it might be my way of seeking closure, of knowing without a doubt she is gone.

btw, I have a good support system, I have a huge need to talk about her, and tell people that my friend is gone. I think I have a few I would feel comfortable talking about this with and whom would be good listeners.

Thank you

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#10 of 10 Old 12-28-2008, 05:35 AM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief, processing your feelings and thoughts, and comming to terms with things is different for every person. It's deeply personal, and you shouldn't feel that you 'should be x y z' or that you should be more or less upset.

I don't think it's a bad thing to want to see your friend. It was a common practice to take death pictures back in the day- a way to not only remember, but to provide proof that one had passed.

You don't have to believe in 'god' or life after to process death. You could focus on the fact that she's no on drugs now... that she's maybe finally at peace. This world is a difficult place, and many of us are not able to 'be' here. Maybe that is something that could bring you comfort.

My sympathy.

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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