More guilt then grief - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 06-01-2009, 10:40 PM - Thread Starter
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My grandmother died this morning. It was expected, she has been in the hospital for 3 weeks, has had 2 surgeries and many issues, has been intubated and today was moved scheduled to move to a hospice.

When my mom called to tell me she was more concerned for me and my health, and I just am overwhelmed with so much guilt! My mom shouldn't have to worry about me- she jjust lost her mom. And she was making sure I was sitting, had water, was ok..... I have had a hard pregnancy so far- I've lost enough weight for it to be a big issue, and I've had some fainting spells, so her concern is for a reason. But I just wish I could be there for her.

I do love my grandma, nad /i am very sad that she has passed away. But it is also right... she suffered so much at the end, and now she is with the angels and at peace. It was time.

I also feel so selfish, b/c in some small way I am glad that my mom will be coming home now.... and /i really do need her. We have fought b/c she was there so much... and I have been having feelings of abandonment. last weekend (not yesterday, but the week before) she came and saw me for 2 days, and I know the break from caretaker to her mom was good for her, but also that she wouldn't have come without my guilt trip...

Lastly, My mom asked me to write my grandma a letter a few weeks ago, and I started by making a card, but never wrote what I wanted to say. It is now too late. I wrote it today, just after my mom told me. I know she knows how I feel, but I should have done it sooner. I couldn't even talk about it untill my mom said she wasn't mad, that it was ok. I just couldn't let go, and she understands and knows my grandma does too.

I also feel guilty b/c I will not be at the funeral. It is a 6 hour drive, and I am not healthy enough for it. With my history of m/c I just can't take the risk, and I could well end up in the hospital if I lose more weight, and with passing out lately I cannot drive at all.

I just had to get it out, I know it is jumbled... I have to loose this guilt so I can grieve.

Mama to bftoddler.gifand belly.gif

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#2 of 6 Old 06-02-2009, 12:58 PM
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I know how you feel, my own grandmother passed away last night and Im riddled with guilt that I didnt go see her before it was too late.

But you have good reasons and you know that your grandmother would not want you to risk your child!She understand and so will everyone else. You are harder on yourself than anyone else can be. Right now you are focused on your child and you should be. Let the guilt go. The grief will come. It took years after my stepfathers death for me to cry about it. Years, becuase at the time I was too focused on being strong for my mom and brother. And right now you are focused on the baby and you should be.

Your grandmother knows you love her. I promise!

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2007) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty five years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness!
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#3 of 6 Old 06-02-2009, 03:43 PM
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What she said, and also, as a woman who lost her mother less than 2 years ago I can tell you that your mother needs to focus on you and your health. Yes she just lost her mother but she needs to focus on something other than that as far as I can see. She will take the time to grieve but she also needs to know her daughter is ok as well as her grandbaby. If you can find a way to do that without feeling guilty I think it would help her to process.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
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#4 of 6 Old 06-03-2009, 03:03 PM
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Sorry I'm tired and sore so maybe I'm not reading right. Your grandma has not passed away yet right? If that's the case, I would write her a letter and make sure someone is able to read it to her. I know she is intubated and been moved to hospice, but the hearing is the very last sense to go, so she'll be able to hear your words.

A million 's being sent your way.
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#5 of 6 Old 06-03-2009, 03:45 PM
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Guilt is a normal part of grief. I know that doesn't make it any easier right now, but someday this guilt will fade and you will be left with happier memories. If your grandma knew how you felt about her, then that's all that matters, not a letter that she might or might not have been able to read. Let your mom take care of you now, she needs to. And take care of yourself and your baby. Your grandma is at peace now, and she would want you to be at peace, too.
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#6 of 6 Old 06-04-2009, 08:31 AM
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I am sorry for your loss.

You have acknowledged your feelings of guilt and this will help you work through them. Your mother may have already done a lot of grieving for the loss of her mom if she's been caring for her during a long illness.

I think your grandmother would understand you being unable to write to her earlier. You could write your letter now and tell her if that fits into your spiritual beliefs. I felt a strong connection at times after my grandfather passed away - even years later and miles from home.

It does sound like it's best for you not to attend the funeral. People will understand. Perhaps you can find another way to honor your grandmother.

Peace and healing to you and your family.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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