My grandmother died this morning. It was expected, she has been in the hospital for 3 weeks, has had 2 surgeries and many issues, has been intubated and today was moved scheduled to move to a hospice.
When my mom called to tell me she was more concerned for me and my health, and I just am overwhelmed with so much guilt! My mom shouldn't have to worry about me- she jjust lost her mom. And she was making sure I was sitting, had water, was ok..... I have had a hard pregnancy so far- I've lost enough weight for it to be a big issue, and I've had some fainting spells, so her concern is for a reason. But I just wish I could be there for her.
I do love my grandma, nad /i am very sad that she has passed away. But it is also right... she suffered so much at the end, and now she is with the angels and at peace. It was time.
I also feel so selfish, b/c in some small way I am glad that my mom will be coming home now.... and /i really do need her. We have fought b/c she was there so much... and I have been having feelings of abandonment. last weekend (not yesterday, but the week before) she came and saw me for 2 days, and I know the break from caretaker to her mom was good for her, but also that she wouldn't have come without my guilt trip...
Lastly, My mom asked me to write my grandma a letter a few weeks ago, and I started by making a card, but never wrote what I wanted to say. It is now too late. I wrote it today, just after my mom told me. I know she knows how I feel, but I should have done it sooner. I couldn't even talk about it untill my mom said she wasn't mad, that it was ok. I just couldn't let go, and she understands and knows my grandma does too.
I also feel guilty b/c I will not be at the funeral. It is a 6 hour drive, and I am not healthy enough for it. With my history of m/c I just can't take the risk, and I could well end up in the hospital if I lose more weight, and with passing out lately I cannot drive at all.
I just had to get it out, I know it is jumbled... I have to loose this guilt so I can grieve.
Mama to and