Suicide Survivors~loved ones who died by their own hand - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 61 Old 07-19-2009, 10:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Any other Suicide Survivors out there? I think that dealing with suicide in a loved one is a unique challenge, and different from other forms of grief.

My mama killed herself 2 years ago, Feb 07. This is the first time I've really reached out about it. She was only 49. She had bipolar disorder. She was involved with a very bad man. She became addicted to painkillers in the last few years (not that different from her alcohol addiction of years prior). Her, and his, life was/were falling apart due to their addictions. He left her in their previous home (that was in foreclosure) with his gun. He said he didn't love her anymore. She had been in rehab (and jail) a few months prior. He left her with a loaded gun. She pulled the trigger while sitting on a mattress on a dirty floor. She left a note to him, only him.

Those last years were the absolute worst years of her life.

She was a talented, self taught artist. Extremely talented, could do anyone's portrait in pencil or paint. She was eccentric and a hippie chick, leftover from the seventies. She breastfed 3 children, and naturally birthed us all. She bf'd my brother till he was 3 or so. She was very intelligent, had a MS in Public Health. Could debate anyone over anything.

But her weakness was her emotions. They ruled her life. In the end, they took it.

I know I've read a few posts over the years about suicide survivors and thought that we should have a tribe. Any of you out there?

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#2 of 61 Old 07-20-2009, 12:36 AM
 
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I support you...........warmly, ZM9

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Originally Posted by marimara View Post
Any other Suicide Survivors out there? I think that dealing with suicide in a loved one is a unique challenge, and different from other forms of grief.

My mama killed herself 2 years ago, Feb 07. This is the first time I've really reached out about it. She was only 49. She had bipolar disorder. She was involved with a very bad man. She became addicted to painkillers in the last few years (not that different from her alcohol addiction of years prior). Her, and his, life was/were falling apart due to their addictions. He left her in their previous home (that was in foreclosure) with his gun. He said he didn't love her anymore. She had been in rehab (and jail) a few months prior. He left her with a loaded gun. She pulled the trigger while sitting on a mattress on a dirty floor. She left a note to him, only him.

Those last years were the absolute worst years of her life.

She was a talented, self taught artist. Extremely talented, could do anyone's portrait in pencil or paint. She was eccentric and a hippie chick, leftover from the seventies. She breastfed 3 children, and naturally birthed us all. She bf'd my brother till he was 3 or so. She was very intelligent, had a MS in Public Health. Could debate anyone over anything.

But her weakness was her emotions. They ruled her life. In the end, they took it.

I know I've read a few posts over the years about suicide survivors and thought that we should have a tribe. Any of you out there?
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#3 of 61 Old 07-20-2009, 01:15 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my brother Alex to suicide last October. He had a very hard life, though most of us didn't know how bad it was until after his death. He had health issues that were affecting his ability to work and so he was about to be discharged from the military, he had legal issues that would have put him in jail for 10 years, the mother of his two kids was mentally and emotionally blackmailing him to try to get him to pay her outrageous amounts of child support, he was recently divorced after nearly 12 years of marriage, he was in trouble for letting a woman married to a military officer stay in his house, etc. It was just a lot of stuff all at once and I guess he could not take it anymore. He pulled the trigger in front of the gates to the Naval base in his car.

The day I got the call from my sister was one of the most heartbreaking ones I've ever had. It still hurts.
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#4 of 61 Old 07-20-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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My niece committed suicide a year ago, April. I still cannot go to the store where I received the phone call, as irrational as that may be.

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#5 of 61 Old 07-20-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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My brother, Erik, committed suicide Jan 2005. He was 23, bipolar and most likely at least one other undiagnosed mental illness. His life was pretty difficult. On the other hand, he had a wicked sense of humor and the most phonographic memory of anyone I ever knew. Everything he ever heard he could remember.

Funny I was just watching the video this weekend of the last time all 8 of us were together.

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#6 of 61 Old 07-20-2009, 06:11 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your losses.

Jeff, my stepfather (since I was 5) committed suicide December 9, 2007. When he was good, he was really really good. When he was bad, he was terribly abusive. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was also a wonderful gardener, very kind to animals, and was amazingly intelligent. He taught me to cook and would have made a brilliant chef. He also screamed at me daily that I would never amount to anything, threatened me, and beat me. I work hard every day not to believe him. I'm finally in therapy to help me with his suicide and the abuse and I have not had a drink since he killed himself. I forgave him long before his suicide, but I had a dream that night that he finally accepted my forgiveness. I wish that he had chosen a healing path.

Thanks for this space.

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#7 of 61 Old 07-21-2009, 01:09 PM
 
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My cousin hung herself five years ago yesterday...she was 28 years old. She had a brain tumor years before which was removed and in remission. She then struggled with depression and an abusive situation with her husband. Poor thing had battled depression for the last several years, in and out of hospitals due to prior attempts.

Our family will never be the same and to see how this has affected her parents is most sad.

RIP Tracy - 5 years gone.

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#8 of 61 Old 07-21-2009, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wanted to say Thank You and offer my condolences to all that have posted here and lost someone. Thanks for posting and sharing

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#9 of 61 Old 07-22-2009, 02:43 PM
 
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My dearest friend and bio dad to my 15 yo committed suicide 16 years ago this october. He died 9 days after conceiving my daughter. He was 22.
I was the last one to talk to him, the last one to see him. It really messed me up in a lot of ways. He was a brilliant artist, a brilliant student-he was also bipolar and talked about suicide for years from what I understand. He had a neglectful/abusive background. He also had a near death experience when he was 16 that I don't think he ever recovered from.

His mother and sister refuse to have anything to do with my daughter-they are convinced she is my husbands (we were separated at the time). I had a dna test done to prove she was not my husband, and she is most definitely not. I've offered time and again to do a grandparent's dna test and they won't. I think they are afraid she will go after their money or something.

He was really, really beautiful.

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#10 of 61 Old 07-25-2009, 03:29 AM
 
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I'm here, and offer my condolences to everyone who's surviving suicide. My husband took his own life last fall. Still processing, still healing. While chasing a toddler who looks just like him.
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#11 of 61 Old 07-25-2009, 02:11 PM
 
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I'm here, and offer my condolences to everyone who's surviving suicide. My husband took his own life last fall. Still processing, still healing. While chasing a toddler who looks just like him.
I am so sorry. My dd looks just like her bio dad, too, It is so very hard. A lot of love and hugs to you.

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#12 of 61 Old 07-29-2009, 08:31 PM
 
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I lost my only sibling, my brother, 7 years ago. My first child was just a few days old. My brother was depressed, going through his second divorce, had five kids. I guess he was overwhelmed with his debts. After he died his ex wife said that he had talked to her about being suicidal but she never mentioned it to anyone! I'm not sure if he really meant to die that day. He had bought a gun and left money in an envelope but no letter or explanation or other clues about his behaviour that morning. He was living with my mom for months and sometimes I'm angry at her still for not noticing or trying to prevent this. Maybe she caused it all from the very beginning because she was abusive to us. Or the fact that the whole family thinks seeing a counselor is taboo.

My whole life I wanted a closer relationship with him but now I'll never have the chance. We don't even know where some of his kids are. My mom never told me where she buried him. I feel so disconnected and yet he is still in my heart and so missed.

I read No Time to Say Goodbye a few months ago and it was very helpful.

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#13 of 61 Old 08-02-2009, 01:04 AM
 
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Suicide touched my family today, although the primary grief is not mine to claim, and I am so sorry for the loss everyone here has felt. Our neighbor, friend, father to my 5yo's "best friend", hung himself last night after a long struggle with depression. We saw the rescue vehicles going by and had no idea. Can anyone give me advice on how to best support our friend & her children who were left behind? If this is not appropriate for this thread, I apologize.

Keeping busy with 2 boys & 1 girl ('04, '06, '08)
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#14 of 61 Old 08-03-2009, 02:54 AM
 
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Suicide touched my family today, although the primary grief is not mine to claim, and I am so sorry for the loss everyone here has felt. Our neighbor, friend, father to my 5yo's "best friend", hung himself last night after a long struggle with depression. We saw the rescue vehicles going by and had no idea. Can anyone give me advice on how to best support our friend & her children who were left behind? If this is not appropriate for this thread, I apologize.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It is very hard for the adults as well as the kids. Just be there. They may want to talk, they may not. They may say weird, inappropriate things - just listen. They need to get it all out.

Today, August 3, was my stepfather's birthday. It would have been his 51st.

Mama/stepmama of 4 goofy girls (7/99, 11/00, 4/03, and 12/08) and co-parent with my favorite husband. We do this stuff - : : : : : :
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#15 of 61 Old 08-04-2009, 07:57 PM
 
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Suicide touched my family today, although the primary grief is not mine to claim, and I am so sorry for the loss everyone here has felt. Our neighbor, friend, father to my 5yo's "best friend", hung himself last night after a long struggle with depression. We saw the rescue vehicles going by and had no idea. Can anyone give me advice on how to best support our friend & her children who were left behind? If this is not appropriate for this thread, I apologize.
Please don't feel like you need to apologize (at least IMO) for not being in the "primary grief zone." Grief is grief, and loss is loss. Period. Just being there for your friend and children will be wonderful; offering to take the kids so that their mom has time to grieve out of their view was priceless for me.

Also, remember that its a process, and that many well-wishers disappear after the funeral is over, back to business as usual. Which is, of course, their right. But what has been wonderful for me are the folks who "get" that it's not back to business as usual for me, and, months later, are still open and available to me -- whether it's for childcare or just a shoulder to lean on or an listening ear. Or impromptu dinner on the deck on a beautiful night that otherwise would be kind of lonely.
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#16 of 61 Old 08-05-2009, 04:08 PM
 
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next month for the first time, at my bro's death anniv. he will have been dead more years than he was alive.

he was my only sibling. and we were v. close.

my dd reminds me a lot of him. when she was a baby she looked soo much like him, people did a double take. they couldnt tell from baby pictures which one was my bro and which one was my dd.

i miss him sooo much. every single day as i look at my dd and know she missed out on knowing him. he was nicknamed sunny because he was so fun and caring. no one knew about his inner turmoil.

my dad never recovered and took his grieving heart to his grave.

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#17 of 61 Old 08-05-2009, 07:59 PM
 
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I am so sorry for everyone's losses.

My life has been greatly impacted by two suicides--my mother's and her sister's (my aunt).

My mother committed suicide when I was 13 months old, possibly as a result of PPD. She was very young--only 20, newly married (to someone she wouldn't have married had she not become pregnant), with a baby who was born 10 weeks premature, with lots of money stress, and a family history of depression. She took a lethal dose of prescription painkillers while I napped in the room with her. When they found her, she had the phone in her hand.

My aunt committed suicide when I was 18 years old. She had a history of mental illness, physical illness, and substance abuse. She shot herself with her husband and 8 year old son in the next room. I had just visited her 3 days before she died. I still feel guilty for being angry with her for her belligerent, self-pitying behavior during that weekend.
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#18 of 61 Old 08-10-2009, 12:49 PM
 
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I lost my brother nine years ago this coming September.

He struggled with schizophrenia his whole life. His mother lost her life to her own hands, too.. as the result of schizophrenia.

Suicide is such a terrible thing.. Hurts so many, but I half to kind of understand where they're coming from.. they just need the pain and confusion to be gone.. to finally have their minds at peace. Too bad there isn't another way.

-Tangy
Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#19 of 61 Old 08-10-2009, 12:54 PM
 
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My husband committed suicide on January 18th this year while I was on the phone w/ him. We were seperated and moving towards a divorce. He shot himself while talking to me after he told me where to find him in his car.

I still don't sleep properly at night.
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#20 of 61 Old 08-11-2009, 01:04 AM
 
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I'm so very sorry to read these stories.

I came here tonight to possibly gain some insight into what to say and do when someone close to you loses someone close to them to suicide. A dear friend of mine lost her son last night. While it's not a complete shock to hear...he's been talking about it for a couple months, admitted himself to a program for addiction and then promptly checked himself out and was even more sure of carrying out his intentions. He leaves behind a 7 yo son who adores him. My friend is basically in the fetal position and crying all the time. She cannot talk yet. She has to make a long distance trip soon since he lived a great distance from her. I cannot imagine what it feels like to lose a child. No matter the circumstances. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't do it justice, and it's not something that can be fixed. What are some nice gestures in this situation? I am at a loss.
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#21 of 61 Old 08-11-2009, 08:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so very sorry to read these stories.

I came here tonight to possibly gain some insight into what to say and do when someone close to you loses someone close to them to suicide. A dear friend of mine lost her son last night. While it's not a complete shock to hear...he's been talking about it for a couple months, admitted himself to a program for addiction and then promptly checked himself out and was even more sure of carrying out his intentions. He leaves behind a 7 yo son who adores him. My friend is basically in the fetal position and crying all the time. She cannot talk yet. She has to make a long distance trip soon since he lived a great distance from her. I cannot imagine what it feels like to lose a child. No matter the circumstances. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't do it justice, and it's not something that can be fixed. What are some nice gestures in this situation? I am at a loss.
: There were two books helpful to me at the time. Touched by Suicide and Anger (Thich Nhat Hanh). But at the very beginning I was most helped by a journal to write thoughts in and just having time to sort things out. Maybe help with the small things, dishes, cooking, cleaning. You're a very nice friend.

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#22 of 61 Old 08-13-2009, 03:33 PM
 
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My aunt killed herself during my pregnancy w/ my youngest. July 27th 2007. Her husband's birthday, 2 days before their divorce was finalized.

She was unmedicated bipolar.

I posted about it here and received a LOT of support. (Thank you, everyone!)

She left behind her husband who didn't want the divorce and 2 beautiful daughters who were 16 & 18 at the time.

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#23 of 61 Old 08-15-2009, 01:16 AM
 
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I lost my best friend to suicide a year ago today.
I phoned his ex to ask how his daughter is. They spent the day out where his memorial service was held. We've hardly seen her since he passed. His DD and my DS1 were best friends too.
Hurting, as I'm sure everyone on this thread recognizes and sympathizes all too well.
RIP dear friend.

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#24 of 61 Old 08-21-2009, 11:04 PM
 
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: There were two books helpful to me at the time. Touched by Suicide and Anger (Thich Nhat Hanh). But at the very beginning I was most helped by a journal to write thoughts in and just having time to sort things out. Maybe help with the small things, dishes, cooking, cleaning. You're a very nice friend.
Thanks. She has finally started to journal. She refused at first because she didn't want to remember what she was feeling. Yesterday was the roughest day yet. She isn't allowing herself to be happy or laugh or be distracted by watching a movie or anything like that yet. I know she'll feel joy again. I miss my friend and my heart is breaking for her.
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#25 of 61 Old 08-22-2009, 09:59 PM
 
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My mother took two bottles of pills. They revived her but she died of the complications a few days later. I was 4. I am 45 and to this day I can still describe in detail the scene in our home as they took her out, the color and placement of the furniture and who rode in the ambulance with her. It is many many years, and to this day, it has continued to remain a different form of grief than others who have passed.

My beautiful husband died Jan 06. He was bipolar, depressed and struggled with cocaine addiction and sobriety. He was kind, loving, sensitive, creative, a skilled International Craftsman, incredibly loving father who adored his children and a good partner.
While the death, after almost six months in autopsy was ruled an accidental overdose I still to this day don't know if he was trying. The last thing he said on the phone to me is
"B, I just want you to know I really do love you".
I had the police kick the door in to find him dead the next day.

To date I just don't know in my heart for sure and it haunts me more than I like to admit.

I am sorry for all those here sharing. HUG

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#26 of 61 Old 08-24-2009, 12:45 AM
 
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Ifluffedthree, I am so sorry.

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#27 of 61 Old 08-24-2009, 05:15 PM
 
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Ifluffedthree, I am so sorry.
Thank you.

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#28 of 61 Old 08-27-2009, 11:19 AM
 
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My partner and DD1's father committed suicide 6 years ago this September. I was 18 and pregnant at the time.
I'm so sorry for all the other stories on this thread- suicide is really devastating.

To my husband I am wife, to my kids I am mother, but for myself I am just me.
we're : with and : and
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#29 of 61 Old 08-30-2009, 02:09 PM
 
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As my husband's birthday approaches I'm finding myself sooooo sad. He would have been 40 this year.
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#30 of 61 Old 08-30-2009, 10:50 PM
 
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As my husband's birthday approaches I'm finding myself sooooo sad. He would have been 40 this year.
I'm sorry.

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