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#1 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 02:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I can finally write about this horrible experience. I have had a best friend for the past 5 years. She was my Maid of Honor, she was my advocate when I was pregnant. We even claimed each other as sisters.
The last time I saw her was December 14th. SHe kept telling me she was upset to me and needed some time to sort out her thoughts. I could understand this because the past 6 months have been pretty intense. Martin Luther King day I received an 8 page e-mail from her detailing everything I have done wrong in the past 5 years of our friendship. Starting with the VERY FIRST DAY WE MET. She ended the letter by saying I am not the only person to ever lose a child and I have been increadibly selfish and attention hungry. I was absolutely freaked out. This is the friend my daughter is named after. I really just feel like my heart has been ripped out. I guess I just wanted to share and see if anyone else has had such a loss of friendship.
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Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#2 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 02:12 AM
 
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That is awful! Did you even see this coming or was it completely out of the blue. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can't even imagine how this would feel.


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#3 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 02:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Believe it or not, this was totally out of the blue. I was and am just reeling from it all.
Gossamer

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#4 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 02:44 AM
 
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Oh Gossamer, I am so sorry. I know you must be hurting. I had a friend do this to me once also. I listened to her problems for years and then I went through a really difficult time and leaned on her for a while. When it was over she told me I was selfish and that she was tired of listening to my issues. I had almost been killed in a car jacking and was afraid to drive for a while and she got mad that I never came over to her house! HELLO! If I can't drive then how am I suppose to get there?

She also went and turned about 3 other friends (not close friends) against me. I was sooooooooooooooo hurt!

Gosh, that was 10 years ago and it still hurts to remember.

Actually your friend and mine are the selfish ones - the bad friends. They could not be there for us in a very difficult time without thinking of their own needs and the ways we hurt them. A true friend doesn't count the cost. But I have found very few people to be true friends. I am less trusting now....



I am so sorry!

Susan
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#5 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 02:46 AM
 
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maybe this is a cry for help?? Just a thought. Maybe her life is not going well and she is pushing her close friend away. It just seems odd to me and I wonder the motive behind it.

I am truly sorry for this happening to you, but maybe it would be healthy for you two to get together and talk. Maybe with a moderator even to help.

Just sending some positive {{{{{{{vibes}}}}}}}}}}
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#6 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 03:10 AM
 
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from me, too. That is Awful and talk about selfish?!!!!

An eight page letter?! C.mon. That just sounds mean and hurtful.

Can I just say that I have had conflict with friends where we share our hearts with each other about how we are feeling and NEVER have I felt like I've been attacked. I have had friends tell me with love and brevity how I relate to them in ways that grieve them and again, I do not feel attacked. IMO, that letter is just mean and self-serving for your friend. If you FEEL attacked? You probably WERE.

edited to add: Oh , I just reread your post about what she said at the end. NOW THAT WAS MEAN.

I am so sorry.
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#7 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 04:22 AM
 
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gossamer
I want to hug you everytime I see your name.
I feel as if I know you.
I share your pain.
I have felt the same loss.
The loss of a daughter whom never was able to take a breath. share a smile, look into my eyes.

I think you are a realy special Mommie!

Your friend is not being there for you now. For whatever reason she is spitefully pushing you away.

If you are so inclined, Read;

Eph. 4:32 "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

Also for some reason I CANNOT for the life of me find the one I was going to recomend. I INSTANTLY thought of it while reading your post.... The Beatitudes. I just cant find it.. Uggh. Its the one that says something like this:
-Love is Patient love is kind. Love is not boastfull or rude. love does not insist on its own way. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love hopes all things, believes all things endures all things. Love never fails.- If I find it, Ill let ya know.

:BIG HUGS Momma!
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#8 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 04:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ms. Doula,
I have been trying to think of how Jesus would react and what he would do, but I also am feeling "Don't I ever get a break?" I am not saying I am a perfect friend, far from it, after all I am human. But if I ever hurt her feelings or treated her in a way that hurt her, it was not intentional, and if she had mentioned it at the time, I would have apologized. But her letter was written to hurt my feelings. SOme of the phrases and vocabulary she used were intentionally hurtful and cruel. I am not sure my heart is big enough to forgive her and pursue salvaging the friendship. I feel like I got kicked while I was down. My daughter died, my mother left, I would up in a mental health hospital, I cannot even try to conceive until July 2004 at the earliest and now my best friend has attacked me. Again I say, "Don't I get a break?" Sorry if this sounds whiney, but this is how I feel right now.
Gossamer

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#9 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 04:39 AM
 
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Oh sweetie!!!!

What I posted was to HER... rest assured. I KNOW you arent strong enough to handle this (but HE is )
And YOU are a great person, this I know! I know you would have NEVER intentionally hurt your friend.... There has to be more to the story... :dunno I will say a prayer for you tonight!

I am off to bed! Sleep tight sweetie!!
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#10 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 04:49 AM
 
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Gossamer~

I am so sorry my friend. Many hugs to you. I too feel like I know you. I feel like I have so much to say yet want to keep it brief.

If she was a best friend, deeply connected close...this might be her way of dealing with your loss of Mary Rose. We humans are so stinkin weird! My best friend told me how when I first lost Adia, she couldn't talk to me because she felt guilty. She felt my pain so much and didn't know what to do. She actually just told me she asked God why she got to have her daughter and I didn't. We are now finally able to talk to each other about it...10 mos later...

On a similar note...my husband left me emotionally in July, and physically in Oct...he was bringing things up from 10 yrs ago. "Picking Lint" from the air as to why he couldn't stay married to me. I mean 10 yrs of crap...kinda of like your friend...For me it was totally out of the blue. 4 mos later I finally realized he couldn't help me and didn't know what to do, so when you are unhappy you amazingly are able to remember every miserable thing that has ever happened to you. Unfortuantely for you that entails your best friend running away.

If she is a truly dear and deep friend...you guys will reconnect. If she is truly being just selfish and mean...you are better off without her and will find someone willing to support you in your time of need.

I know the hurt and trauma that goes along of losing someone near and dear to you so close to the loss of your baby. I felt I didn't know what loss to deal with first...The pain will lessen and I have found that praying has gotten me through this difficult time. I have found new friends who are now amazingly supportative and I am finding an inner strength that I would have never known I had if I didn't have my compound losses. Best of luck to you. You can PM me anytime.
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#11 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 05:07 AM
 
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My heart just breaks for you. Your friend needs help. There is obviously somehting in her life that she isn't dealing very well with. That is still no reason to hurt you though. She should be ashamed of the way she has acted. just another .

blessings to you.

Sandra

PS I looked at the pictures of Mary Rose. She was absolutely beautiful.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#12 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 12:38 PM
 
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Gossamer--

I think of you often and pray for you and hope that the meager offerings I have to give will help you in your quest to heal from your tragic loss of Mary Rose and others. You are the first person you should be worried about. All else is secondary. If this "friend" can't see it, then perhaps she needs some space to get it all into perspective. Loosing a most wanted child is the most horrendous loss a person can have, IMO. Hang in there, lady. I'm with ya!
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#13 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 01:00 PM
 
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((Hugs)) I don't know how to respond to your friends letter. I am blown away by her reaction.

If I'm not being too personal I'd love to learn more about Mary's brief stay. How old was she? Have you chosen any ways to memorialize her? If you have any answers for her premature birth?

We recently lost our 2nd son, Matthew, at 22 weeks (1/4/04). We lost Timothy at 20 weeks on 1/21/01. Both were born too soon due to chronic placenta abruptions. If you ever need to talk about your little princess I'm just an e-mail away.

I do have a theory about your "friend" now that I'm thinking of it. I recently went through our Share binder I read that the majority of marriages don't make it through the loss of a child. I don't recall the exact numbers but it was well over 50%. If this friend is so connected, like a pp mentioned, then maybe she's trying to get away from the loss and divorce your friendship.

Kris
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#14 of 27 Old 02-14-2004, 03:28 PM
 
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I ditto NM.

This woman has something going on in her life and you've become someone who she can blame. You are NOT to blame. I've lost a child and I KNOW how long it takes to move through a loss like this.

When I lost Amanda I lost several friends - it sucked, but it also showed me who was REALLY there for me.

The wife of my closest friends ever from middle school basically told me to suck up and get over it. Out of respect for his wife he backed out of our friendship. When his mother died of cancer a few years ago he invited me to the funeral. His wife told me that THIS was a real loss, mine had not been.

I don't know why some people are so cruel? I'm so very sorry. You're loss was VERY real and VERY traumatic. Sending you and symethetic thoughts.
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#15 of 27 Old 02-15-2004, 03:55 AM
 
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I'm sorry. I don't have anything to add except the behavior of these "friends" just blows me away.

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#16 of 27 Old 02-16-2004, 08:41 AM
 
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Dear Gossamer,

I'm just so sorry.

Whatever made her do this, made her lash out and be cruel, it is not on you. She has some issues, some problems within herself, and you are unfortunately on the receivng end. But again, it is not your fault. And it sounds like you need some time away from her, because she's only pulling you down into a pit with her.

I'd like to tell you about my twin sister. She and I are four minutes apart, identical, and we were as close as two people could be.

I went through a horrible couple of months when we were 21, dealing with a lot of family issues which were wretched, and awful. She was the only one who was there, supporting me, loving me, like always.

A couple months after all that settled down, she lost it. I will never understand exactly what happened, but she cut herself off completely from most of my family, and our relationship had some tremors. After seven years of thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that she took all the pain and ickiness of my life, put it on herself, and it was too much for her. And I don't know if I'll ever not feel guilty about that.

As time passed, she drifted further and further away. This month, in fact, three days from now, it will be seven years since she told me she hated me and didn't want anything to do with me. Since then, I've seen her maybe four times, and I've had absolutely no contact with her at all, for three years. I don't know where she is, and I haven't talked with her since June '01.

Will I ever understand exactly what happened? Probably not. Will I ever see her again, or talk to her again? I don't know. And that is the hardest part of it all. The not knowing.

What I've learned is, no one can ever replace her, but that there are other people living on this earth who want to be apart of my life. Who are my friends, who love me, and who accept me. And that I should let them in, because my life is better and more meaningful with them in it.

If your friend has decided she wants a life without you for now, okay. Let her go. It will make more room for people who are good for you to be around. And, if you had a real friendship, I believe it will repair itself eventually and you'll move on again together. Even if the time apart is so hard.

I'm sorry that you're going through so much loss and sorrow all at once. I hope for brighter days ahead for you.
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#17 of 27 Old 02-16-2004, 08:22 PM
 
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(((((Gossamer))))) I am so sorry.

I agree with everyone above - it is not about you. It is about her. Period.


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#18 of 27 Old 02-16-2004, 08:38 PM
 
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I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you. I do think that some people don't get pregnancy loss and understand how traumatic it is to lose a baby. I have heard some stupid, stupid, stupid things said as an L&D nurse. A woman's "friend" told her that "everyone has miscarriages" and it was nothing to get upset over and another told someone about her stillborn infant "well, it's easier for you. you never knew you child - I lost mine after 40 years, so it was much worse for me." Anyway - I think b/c they don't relate to it in the terms of the deep grief that women feel, they think of it as "drama" maybe? Then again, there are some people who are simply upset that it's not about them from once.

I hope your friend comes to her senses soon.
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#19 of 27 Old 02-17-2004, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your kind and compassionate replies. I am a little more removed from the situation by time so I can see that y'all are right, it has more to do with her than me. I have heard time and time again then when you experience a loss, you find out who your true friends are, I guess I was just spoiled and thought all of my friends are continuing to stand by me, how blessed am I. BUt the more I think about it, the more I realize it would actually be more destructive for me to maintain a friendship with someone who feels that I am attention hungry and grieving to excess. My daughter deserves to be mourned, and I will not allow anybody to deny me that right. Thank you again for your affirmation and strength. Y'all are truly some of the most awesome people I have ever "met" in my life. I don't know what I would do without you and I hope I never have to find out.
Gossamer

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#20 of 27 Old 02-17-2004, 01:54 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your losses!

People are amazing (at both ends of the spectrum), aren't they?

,
alsoSarah

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These dolls and toys confuse me so; Confound it all, I love it, though!~J. Skellington
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#21 of 27 Old 02-22-2004, 03:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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If I'm not being too personal I'd love to learn more about Mary's brief stay. How old was she? Have you chosen any ways to memorialize her? If you have any answers for her premature birth?
I was 6 months pregnant and I contracted pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. I had to have an emergency C-section to save my life and my daughter was just too small to survive. She weighed 400 grams, about 14 oz and her lungs were too immature. She survived an hour, but because I was given general anesthesia for the c-section, I did not get to meet her while she was alive. We have encouraged friends and family to donate to a program here in Houston which provides needy children with gifts for Christmas in honor of Mary Rose. My dh and I wanted children to benefit from the death of our child. THank you for asking, hope you don't mind me sharing.
Gossamer

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#22 of 27 Old 02-22-2004, 07:50 PM
 
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Gossamer- Did your daughter get to spend her time here (aside from in you) with her daddy??? I an curious, since you were asleep.... Again... Im sooo sorry. And I understand. I never got to spend time with Emily (on the 'outside') while she was alive either....
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#23 of 27 Old 02-22-2004, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, the doctor's brought her daddy in to tell him she wouldn't survive. At first he said he didn't want to hold her because it would make him miss her more. But then my mother in law said that Mary Rose would not die alone, she would be held until she took her last breath, so my husband, sister in law and mother in law took turns holding her until her spirit flew to heaven. I am at times very jealous that everyone else got to hold her and I didn't.
Gossamer

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#24 of 27 Old 02-22-2004, 08:07 PM
 
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Yes, I understand that. BUT You held her through all the Happiness she ever knew in her short life... You carried her for 6 months!!!
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#25 of 27 Old 02-22-2004, 08:16 PM
 
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Gossamer, I am so sorry about your loss, and that your friend isn't there for you. I just looked at the pictures in your sig, Mary Rose is so beautiful!

Whatever your friend's issues, nobody has the right to say such cruel things to anyone, period, least of all after a loss such as yours. I hope that you can find comfort with true friends, who will listen and support you as often and for as long as you need.
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#26 of 27 Old 02-22-2004, 08:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ms.Doula
Also for some reason I CANNOT for the life of me find the one I was going to recomend. I INSTANTLY thought of it while reading your post.... The Beatitudes. I just cant find it.. Uggh. Its the one that says something like this:
-Love is Patient love is kind. Love is not boastfull or rude. love does not insist on its own way. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love hopes all things, believes all things endures all things. Love never fails.- If I find it, Ill let ya know.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8


Gossamer, I am so very sorry.

I had a friend do this to me recently, as well. The day after my birthday, I got a venomous e-mail telling me I had my "head shoved up my a**" (among other things) and that I should consider our friendship OVER. It hurt.

This friend has been battling PPD for over a year, so I attributed a lot of her anger to that and just forgave her. But I was terribly hurt. Although things are OK (if a bit stilted) between us now, I doubt we will ever be as close as we once were

I understand. And I'm sorry.

Every baptized Christian is, or should be, someone with an actual (disturbing) experience, ... a close encounter, with God; someone who, as a result, becomes a disturbing presence to others. - Fr. Anthony J. Gittins, A Presence That Disturbs
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#27 of 27 Old 02-23-2004, 04:25 AM
 
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Yes, skellbelle, THANKS!!
I fopund it on Friday after bible study, bnut forgot to log on here!

"Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails ..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NAS
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