First our baby, now his mother. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 11-18-2009, 03:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Exactly a week ago I started the spotting that indicated we were losing our baby. Now today my husband got the news that his mother died last night. It might've been suicide, or it might've been an accident, they aren't sure. At any rate they weren't speaking at the time and my husband is about as crippled by grief as I've seen a man get.

I'll be honest - I didn't love my mother-in-law. And I'm still not whole again from our miscarriage. I'm pulling it together to support my husband, though, but I don't really know how to support him. We'll roadtrip down for the funeral and everything, I guess. Beyond that I don't know what to say or do. Anything I have to say to try to reassure him is wrong. He doesn't want to be reassured.

I (thankfully) have three thriving and healthy parents so I have no idea what to do or how to help. I feel so lost. I'd appreciate any suggestions or tips if you have them.

And boy, aren't I just a ray of sunshine on this forum... I apologize for all the gloom and hope to be my usual cheery, helpful self again someday.
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#2 of 7 Old 11-18-2009, 04:20 AM
 
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Mama.

I think with your DH the best thing you can do is listen and let him vent and be upset and whatever else he feels.

I am so sorry for your loss as well

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#3 of 7 Old 11-18-2009, 11:42 AM
 
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Hugs! I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, and for the loss of your husband's mother.

My husband lost his father when we were very young - in our early 20's. They also had a very complicated relationship, and hadn't seen each other in a long time. I didn't have the life-experience needed to understand what he was going through, either. Really, all you can do is listen, and make little gestures that show you care. For my husband, it was bringing him a cup of coffee, or getting up and grabbing him a blanket while he watched TV, or cutting him slack on the things he wasn't up for doing. I also had a hard time understanding the level of grief he felt, given how poorly his father treated him - only later did I realize that made the grieving even more difficult. I know you're grieving, too, which makes this all that much harder. Wishing you both the support you need!
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#4 of 7 Old 11-18-2009, 11:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. I don't know how to help him besides cooking and doing those little things, but I guess we'll figure it out. It's just such a lot at once; since July we've just had one disaster after the other. Financial problems, jobs lost, an IRS audit and lots of bogus fees and penalties, a bad driver totalled my car and her insurance only gave me half its value, then the miscarriage of our first pregnancy and now this. We're both just trying to brace for the next tragedy and we're becoming afraid to leave the house or get up in the morning. I just pray we see the sunshine again soon, you know?
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#5 of 7 Old 11-18-2009, 03:10 PM
 
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im sorry to hear this. we lost our daughter at 22 weeks pregnant june 08. then we lost dh's mom 2 months later in august. horrible, just horrible. i am here if you ever want to talk.

Jessicaintactlact.gif, wife to Derricklurk.gif, missing Joslyn angel3.gif, 22 weeks 06.18.08, rainbow1284.gifBaby Kai Ambrose 05.10.10 and Isla Blythe born on Thanksgiving '12 uc.jpg

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#6 of 7 Old 11-18-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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#7 of 7 Old 11-19-2009, 12:14 AM
 
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I am so very sorry for your loss. Please take care.
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