God help me, I feel like I will never be happy again**horrible update no. 24** - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 64 Old 12-09-2009, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I will never again wake up without a giant cavernous hole in my heart. I will never again go a day without crying for the whole day . . . at the gas station, the bank, the grocery store. I just don't even give a #$%& what people think.

My young, beautiful, brilliant, mother---my best friend (one of my only friends), who I talked to every day---suffered a massive stroke Sunday night. I can't believe I'm even writing that. She was always so healthy. Last week she was teaching her college chemistry classes, ready to give finals. Now she cannot walk, cannot speak, is essentially an invalid. It is so immeasurably sad to see her trying to talk, laying in bed, gibberish coming out of her mouth, the total frustration in her eyes as she tries to talk to us and we can't understand a word. Having to feed her because she can't hold a spoon. Wiping mashed potatoes and drool off her chin.

She was so, so close to my 8-year-old DD. They had so many traditions together. They saw the Nutcracker every year together. Went out to tea on DD's birthday. We spent every holiday at her house. She was our only babysitter and she and DD always did special things when together. She is also DD's only grandparent. How will my DD not end up going through life hating the world, hating everything, like I do now?

I feel my life is over along with hers. I wish I had never been born if I had to lose my mother so young. My birthday is Saturday. I'm turning 40. The second half of my life. Years and years of misery and rage.

I cannot, cannot fathom that this has happened to me. This CANNOT be real.
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#2 of 64 Old 12-09-2009, 11:04 PM
 
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#3 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 12:35 AM
 
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Oh Stella_Luna I am so sorry

Charlotte wife to B momma to Q 2/22/09
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#4 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 12:46 AM
 
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Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. That is so heartbreaking.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#5 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 12:48 AM
 
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x 1000. I'm so sorry.
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#6 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 01:26 AM
 
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I am so sorry. I have been there. My dad had a very debilitating stroke when I was 28. I hear all the rage you are feeling and realize that anything I can say is not enough. Sending you strength to deal with it all.
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#7 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 01:34 AM
 
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Oh Mama I'm so sorry.
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#8 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 01:37 AM
 
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I am so sorry for you and your family. Please consider getting her asap into a hyperbaric chamber (you can read 'Oxygen Revolution' by Paul Harch). My daughter had a hypoxic brain injury at birth and it has done wonders for her.
Big hugs to you all.

Mom to DD1 (Feb 2006) and DD2 (June 2008) with HIE, CP, dev delays and reflux
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#9 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 02:03 AM
 
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Oh my god mama, I am so sorry. This is just an awful thing to go through.

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#10 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 02:53 AM
 
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Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. So sorry! When you are ready, think happily on the wonderful things about your mother and carry on some of her traditions with DD.

Kali (pka Michelle) ~ crunchy wife to Cory (09/06) ~ Mama to H (03/90) & I (06/92)--bothnocirc.gifbf.jpg BF for 35 consecutive months ~ angel1.gif x 4

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#11 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 03:15 AM
 
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dear god. My heart goes out to both your mother and you and your family. I don't know if this is the time to say, but my grandfather suffered from a stroke a few months ago. With rehab, and lots of support and gods help, he is able to walk a little and also speak clearly. (speaking makes such a difference). Despite what the dr's make it seem like-- a stroke does not equal no hope.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#12 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 03:17 AM
 
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O O I am so sorry for this! Big hugs to you.
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#13 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 03:38 AM
 
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I am so sorry My friend who is 29 and a mother of 2 little girls suffered from a stroke this summer. It is painful to watch.

for your family.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#14 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 01:08 PM
 
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I am so, so sorry. There are no words. You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.

Trying to turn hearts and minds toward universal healthcare, one post at a time.
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#15 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 01:09 PM
 
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I am so sorry. and for you, your Mom and family.
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#16 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 05:00 PM
 
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What a sad, heart-wrenching post. I couldn't read and not respond. I am so sorry for you and for your daughter. I hope that with time, your mother gets better.

The sea monkey has my money.

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#17 of 64 Old 12-10-2009, 05:06 PM
 
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I'm so, so very sorry. I can't imagine what I would to to lose my mother as the friend she is. Sending you hugs and healing.

We think greenearth.gif  Gentle mama to 3 amazing kiddos. Rainbow.gif Recovering from religion. heartbeat.gif

 

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#18 of 64 Old 12-11-2009, 05:25 PM
 
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#19 of 64 Old 12-11-2009, 06:33 PM
 
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My g'ma did not end up surviving her stroke, but before that, my g'pa managed to somehow be positive (I am not saying you need to suck it up and be positive, I am just exlpaining his mindset) and he came up with all these amazing ways they could still have a great life together even though she would be severly disabled.

For example, he devised a way they could play cards, where he would set up cards for her, and she could indicate which card she wanted to play, and he could pick up the card for her and play it. Even if she couldn't talk and couldn't use her hands.

Just trying to give you hope- she might still be herself on the inside, even if she is physically limited.

Suzan, mama to DS 9-18-07 and #2 EDD 3/4/10 GIRL!.
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#20 of 64 Old 12-11-2009, 07:01 PM
 
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I am so sorry. I have been where you are. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know those words do not exist. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you and your family peace and healing.

Jenese Mama to Elliot 8/05 and Millie Jane 7/07 and Cecilia Kate 1/11
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#21 of 64 Old 12-11-2009, 08:33 PM
 
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I am so sorry! My mom had a stroke 2 weeks after my ds was born in 2006. She was 47. It was a complete shock.

She is doing *okay* now, she can't talk very well, or work, or read or count, but she is still here!


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#22 of 64 Old 12-12-2009, 04:29 AM
 
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Couldn't read this and not give you a You and your whole family will be in my prayers tonight...

Traditional Catholic, aspiring to everyday sanctity. Mama to two amazing girls. Wife to my best friend.
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#23 of 64 Old 12-12-2009, 05:52 AM
 
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Stella_Luna, just wondering how you and your mother are doing. Hope you're holding up okay and that your mother is making improvements. Sending you peace and joy.

Kali (pka Michelle) ~ crunchy wife to Cory (09/06) ~ Mama to H (03/90) & I (06/92)--bothnocirc.gifbf.jpg BF for 35 consecutive months ~ angel1.gif x 4

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#24 of 64 Old 12-12-2009, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your support. This past week has been a total nightmare. Two days after my mother's stroke, her life partner of 20 years died suddenly, also from a massive hemorrhagic stroke. I can't believe this is real. So now his kids and my sisters and I are planning his funeral while dealing with my mom's stroke as well.

We haven't even told her yet as she is still at high risk of another stroke and her doctors are very concerned about how that news will affect her recovery. I was actually screaming at her pastor in the hospital, "WHY DOES GOD HATE MY MOM SO MUCH?!?!?!" I feel like I am having a stroke myself throughout much of the day.

Of course, now all of a sudden I and my siblings have to scramble around to take care of her house, figure out how to pay her bills, and call millions of people with the double bad news. Spouses are supposed to do this for each other . . . we don't know their friends or how to manage their household. My own life is gone. I haven't eaten a meal or slept in days.

In the meantime, my mom has been discharged to a rehab hospital. I know that is a positive step but she still seems so weak and can't do anything, even talk intelligibly beyond a word or two. Last week she was a college chemistry professor. Now she doesn't know how old she is or how to spell her own name.

What a $^%^$(*^$ nightmare this is. What a living hell.
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#25 of 64 Old 12-13-2009, 01:32 AM
 
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I'm so sorry, I cannot imagine what you are going through. Couldn't read and not post.
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#26 of 64 Old 12-13-2009, 01:47 AM
 
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I'm so so sorry.
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#27 of 64 Old 12-13-2009, 03:23 AM
 
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Oh my god. I am so sorry.

I am sending thoughts of strength and perseverance your way. You will get through this. You will.
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#28 of 64 Old 12-13-2009, 12:02 PM
 
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what a nightmare. I'm so so sorry. Wishing you strength.

My kids are 8, 5 and 2!
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#29 of 64 Old 12-13-2009, 07:55 PM
 
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I am so sorry. (((hugs))) is all I can think of right now. It was awful when it happened for us, but things have gotten better. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Amee + James (1998) =
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#30 of 64 Old 12-13-2009, 08:11 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

Live and love with your whole being.
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