preparing for death- my friend is dying - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 12-10-2009, 05:20 PM - Thread Starter
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---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#2 of 10 Old 12-10-2009, 05:32 PM
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I really do not have any words of wisdom apart from be honest with each other. I just wanted to send you a hug!

No matter who is president, I will live life with an open and loving heart, kindness, and tolerance of all good people. I will stand against racism, sexism, and all prejudices!
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#3 of 10 Old 12-10-2009, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by thixle View Post
But I'm not going to abandon my friend. I'm too damned glad he's back in my life, even if it's just for a short time.

I'm scared I'll say something stupid. Or burst out crying the next time he's over. Or that I won't be able to be a good friend. Or won't know how. Or hell, I'm just scared

I've never had a chance to say goodbye before someone close to me has died. I just want to fix it, yk? I want to pretend it's not happening.
What a difficult situation for you and your friend and your family.

I think if you burst out crying next time he visits - he'd understand - and feel loved by your honesty and that you are not running away from him. When you feel you can, ask him how you can best be a good friend to him. He sounds like he's had a long time to deal with this news but it's all new to you. I think he'd understand and be grateful for your friendship.

I'm glad you found him again so you can reconnect with someone who is very important to you.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#4 of 10 Old 12-11-2009, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
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---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#5 of 10 Old 12-11-2009, 07:47 PM
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I could not read this without posting. I wanted to offer you hugs, prayer and hopeful thoughts that your friend will be around for a bit longer. I cannot begin to imagine how sad this situation is. But I'll share a story with you about my husband's friend, E.

E was diagnosed with a horrible medical condition when he was an infant and the doctors told his parents that he would not survive past infancy. So they cherished each day with their baby and tried not to think too hard about it. When he was 2 the doctors changed their tune and said that he wouldn't make it to Kindergarten... at age 5 the doctors said he wouldn't make it to age 10... at age 10 the doctors said he wouldn't graduate from high school. When he graduated from high school the doctors basically proclaimed him a miracle to have made it that far with that particular condition and told his parents that they had no further guesses as to his life expectancy. E is the same age as my husband, 39 years old. He married a lovely woman about 8 years ago and has an awesome stepson. Throughout his life he's had to endure some surgeries to maintain mobility on his right side but those surgeries took parts from his left side so he doesn't have use of his left arm or hand. He works with computers, enjoys a social life and is an awesome stepdad and husband.

You're right. No doctor can predict when someone will die.

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#6 of 10 Old 12-11-2009, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
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Yeah, it's things like E's story that I keep thinking about.

My own grandfather was given 6 months when he was 18 because of a war injury (shrapnel near his spine). Told him he'd never walk, have kids, etc. He died at age 67 and it had nothing to do with his back.

I'm not deluding myself about my friend... just happy I get to reconnect instead of finding out he'd passed after the fact.

I also got the news today that a friend-of-a-friend died unexpectedly last night. Our kids have played together a few times. Even though I don't really know her well, it slammed home that any one of us could go at any second, yk?

It all just makes me want to make the most of what time we have... with anyone. You can bet I'm hugging my kids and hubby extra tight tonight!

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#7 of 10 Old 12-14-2009, 03:21 AM
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I wanted to tell you that I think it's wonderful that you have made the conscious decision to take what comes and embrace your friend despite the news you were given.

When we lost our daughter five years ago, I was shocked and saddened to realize how poorly our society treats death. We want to run away from it, pretend it won't happen to us, etc. The people that were the dearest to me were those who weren't scared to walk with me in my agony.

And although someday your friend's death will be so difficult, you will have grown and changed in ways that you never could have, had life always been perfect. Sometimes the sweetest and deepest lessons in life are learned through suffering.

So I am wishing you strength and love...may you have many special moments with your friend before he is called away. And what a lucky guy to have a friend like you.

SAHM to Abraham (9) Gillian (5) Adrienne (3) and baby boy coming in October! 

Always missing our Gianna, lost during fullterm labor (8/23/04)
Sticking together through the good and the bad with dh of 10 yrs!

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#8 of 10 Old 12-14-2009, 08:50 PM
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I have been in a similar situation, except mine was with a 5yr old who was as close to me as my own children. He was dying from cancer, and lasted 1 week after the dr's told us there was no hope left. Of that week there was only 3 days in which he wasn't in a drug induced coma. But those three days opened my eyes to a world full of beauty and wonder. Every moment spent with him was precious and instead of thinking about the tomorrow and the pain of losing him, we all (his mom, dad, grandparents and I) just focused on the present. We built some absolutely beautiful memories of those last few days. And it is those memories I cling too now a year and a few months later. Caiden was able to give each and every one of us some special memory that I know if I had been thinking about the next few weeks/months/years without him I would have missed. My special memory is when he asked me to "sniff his butt" and gave me my own package of corn pops because he didn't want to share his. I have that package of corn pops in my jewelery box and everytime I see it, it makes me smile and remember him in a good way.
We didn't treat Caiden any different then we had, he was still a 5 year old who liked to pretend he was a knight killing dragons and some of his blows hurt enough for me to ask him to not hit.
Anyways what I'm trying to say is when you are with your friend, just be present, live in the "now", enjoy every single moment of being with him. There will be enough time after he is gone to mourn his passing.
I do truely hope that the drs are wrong and he has plenty more years, and I will be thinking of you.

Pam, momma to Sofie Avye Seth
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#9 of 10 Old 12-17-2009, 04:46 AM
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yes it is painful for you.


however look upon it as a blessing too.

i have had many die and i have been there with them intimately involved in caring for them.

and i learnt about the beauty of death and dying.

it is beautiful - just like birth.

the biggest 'blessing' is the depth of your friendship changes. something happens and it goes beyond friendship. beyond love. beyond all. there is a deeper connection. my dad and i were v. close. we are v. similar too. yet the bonding dad and i had the last two weeks of his life - we never had that quality or depth ever before.

today i am hooked on that feeling. death or dying people does not frighten me anymore. instead i run towards them because i know what's coming.

helping friends and family die, holding their hands as they pass - the deep joy and connection i feel with them is even beyond giving birth and motherhood. children are born helpless. the dying put all their trust in you that you will do your best to help them or take care of them. NOTHING comes close to the trust that person puts on you.

the only way to behave is gut feelings. dont try to think. complete honesty.

i think the greatest gift i can leave my dd is to give her the opportunity to take care of me as i lay dying.

it is horrible to be left behind after they pass, but there is a peace and joy in that pain.

for everyone that i buried i celebrated and cried. i celebrated for them, but cried for myself.

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#10 of 10 Old 01-02-2010, 08:51 PM
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I've been there. My closest friend of 7 years died when I was 28 and she was 33. I'm now 35 and still miss her desperately. It was very tough seeing her body betray her. She was the kindest, most loving, and warm-hearted person I was lucky enough to call my friend. She showed amazing strength and faith throughout her life. I felt lucky to have someone like her in my life. We, too, had a small falling out and didn't talk for 6 months a couple of years before her death. It was so easy to put that pettiness behind us and remain friends. I was her support through some crappy relationships and she was such a constant support for me emotionally through life changes. We didn't meet up often throughout the years, sometimes we saw each other weekly, sometimes not for months. But every time we came back together and hung out, it was as though time had not passed. There was this bond that could not be broken. We had the deepest conversations. We were opposites politically and religiously, but that didn't matter. We respected one another and loved one another. She amazes me. We kept up our friendship regardless of her deteriorating health. Even if she couldn't manage to physically do things, we still figured out ways to be together. When she had to drag an oxygen tank to a meal out together, it hit me hard that she would someday die. We later met at her house while her in home care nurse was there, but it didn't make us drift apart. We worked around it. We still talked and bonded and loved each other through it all. I was able to leave work to visit her in the hospice in her last days and hold her hand and look into her beautiful eyes and tell her how much I love her and how thankful I was for our friendship. She died two days after that last visit. Her funeral was evidence of the countless lives she had touched; the friends, the family and the children she fostered. She was an endless source of love to so very many people. I will always love her and forever treasure the friendship we shared.

Katreena, peace.gif 39 year old Alaskan treehugger.gif Mama to 1 hearts.gif and 1 lady.gif gd.gif

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