Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Everywhere... thanks, technology!
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I am estranged from almost all of my family... partially thanks to 12 years of therapy to overcome them. My grandmother pretty much raised me and my mother's sister (who is only 12 years older than me) was like my sister. They were the only two people in my mother's very large family that I had any connection to, with my aunt and I being the only people who weren't just waiting for gram to die (literally--sometimes very openly and blatantly). Gram was somewhat toxic, for sure; but for whatever reason, my aunt and I understood her like nobody else and were able to respect, care for and love her for the things we knew she felt that were loving even if she couldn't show it in ways the rest "got". I was greatly relieved when they moved gram 1500 miles away to be with my aunt because I knew she was the only other person on earth that actually cared about gram. The three of us had a very special bond.
Gram passed earlier this year as I was boarding a plane to come see her. I hadn't seen her in a year, but I was at peace with the fact that she knew where we stood and that I loved her. I was blessed to spend the next day with the only other person that would miss her like I would--someone that would share memories with me as we sat in gram's bed and just remembered... with happiness (gram died of her own will--having refused food and water because she was ready to go).
Gram's passing came almost 1 month after the loss of our daughter, early in the second trimester. We only even knew we were pregnant for 2 weeks from start to finish, but it was an absolutely horrible experience and I still haven't processed the grief from either of these losses, I think. A few days after losing the baby, our former foster daughter was taken from her mom again (in another state) and both states urged us to intervene in her case. And about 6 weeks after gram died (and while still involved in that case), we found out dh's job was relocating us next year--which set us off on a whirlwind of things needing to be done like yesterday.
I really felt like it was all finally coming to an end and was thrilled to celebrate Solstice and the beginning of the days getting longer--the return of the light. But last night, my aunt died very suddenly due to a heart attack. She had been undergoing chemo for breast cancer and was still working (although shortened hours). She had a history of circulatory problems. They apparently revived her a few times and put her on life support (which she'd have never wanted). But now she's gone.
I just feel so lost. I felt so ready to begin a new life on Monday... like the dark cloud over our household was lifting and I could focus on getting our family back on track. But right now, I feel hopeless. Not in a suicidal way, just in a "how could I think it's ever going to get better" kind of way. I'm not sure I'm articulating what I'm feeling right. I just feel like... how much more can my family take? How much more damage are we going to endure before I can start fixing it?
On top of the loss of the only human on earth that really understood what I was dealing with when it came to family. She and I used to joke that she was left on the doorstep and had me at 12yo--so they handed me off to my mom to raise to avoid scandal... because we're clearly not related to all of these freaks in our family. We just never identified with their logic or priorities. And she's gone. And nobody else understands. Nobody. Especially when it comes to my mother. My aunt was the only other person on earth that really knew her and how toxic she could be. She's a brilliant psychotic that is able to fool pretty much everyone else (including my brothers)... making me look like a bitter, spiteful, spoiled wretch of a daughter. But my aunt knew and understood.
I just keep wondering what it will be next. And I'm hoping it's not ME. I'm like seriously scared that the upcoming trips I have (airplane trips) will take ME from my family--that is already struggling from a year of emotional distancing that has taken it's toll.
Thanks for listening.
-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)
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