He took her from me. He promised he wouldn't but he did. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 05:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't posted on MDC for a while 'cause everything I used to talk about on here seems so... stupid and mundane. I only wish I had those problems now.

My Husband left me. I moved out with my son after Christmas. He took my stepdaughter. He promised I could still be in her life, I'd still be a parent to her, part of her family. He told me he understood how close we were to eachother, how much we love eachother. I was her primary caregiver when she was at our house from right before she turned 3 until she was 9 1/4. I loved her and treated her as my own. Still do. She was the daughter I never had. the two children were raised as siblings for 6 years. My Husband has hardly let me have any contact with my stepdaughter the last three months. He insists, "She's fine, she's fine." Supposedly, my Husband and I are on friendly terms, he's divorcine me because "he doesn't love me anymore" and We had a talk the other night- during that talk, he basically told me that 1. He does not consider me any kind of parent to my stepdaughter, any kind of family to my stepdaughter. and 2. because I'm no longer her family, he really doesn't see any reason why I should see her on weekends he has her (every other weekend) and even once a month "is a bit much" and 3. he doesn't invite my son over when she's there very often because, "they shouldn't be encouraged to be sister and brother, since they're not, anymore". Now, it's killing me to lose my Husband, my best friend for 9 years, it kills me to see this complete personality change in him, that nobody, NOBODY, even his family has ever seen, and it kills me to see what my son's going through, losing the only Dad he's ever known, and the sister he grew up with, but the complete loss of my stepdaughter, I can't get through. It's not the usual "loss of a child" (thank God!), but she's lost from me, she's been taken from me. I love her more than life itself, and he took her from me. She's only 9, she will eventually forget how close we were. She may already be wondering why "I won't come see her anymore". I just want my "daughter" (the daughter of my heart) back. How can someone intentionally break a bond like that, take a child from a parent? Even as he was leaving, he kept maintaining how I've been "the best parent he could have imagined" to his daughter. Maybe we weren't "real" child and "real" parent, but it was real enough for me and my stepdaughter- she was the daughter I had always wanted. I know I still have my son- I'm trying to concentrate on him now- but I still feel like I've lost everything- I lost my little girl. Nothing will ever replace her- she's gone.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#2 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 05:39 PM
 
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I am so very sorry. Can you write to her to let her know you still love her? I wouldn't mention in my letters about her dad not letting you see each other, but just say that you love and miss her.
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#3 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 06:03 PM
 
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Can you contact a lawyer and see if you have any rights as far as court mandated contact? It seems so cruel to her and to you that he could just cut ties like that.

I'm so sorry, mama.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#4 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by texmama View Post
I wouldn't mention in my letters about her dad not letting you see each other, but just say that you love and miss her.
I have, several times, now. I hope she understands.

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Originally Posted by ledzepplon View Post
Can you contact a lawyer and see if you have any rights as far as court mandated contact? It seems so cruel to her and to you that he could just cut ties like that.
My son and I are "legal strangers" to her. There's nothing the courts can do.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#5 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 06:44 PM
 
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This will affect your son I have an older half sister who lived with us until I was 5. She moved out and I never saw her again until I was 20. It caused a lot of grief in my life, even though everyone said I wouldn't remember her I still have issues with losing her as part of my life

What about your stepdaughter's Mother? Are you friendly with her? Perhaps you could talk to her and maybe she might encourage you to visit with her.

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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#6 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 07:01 PM
 
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I am so sorry, Mama.

I mentioned this in a previous thread, but I need to say it again - please take yourself and your son out of this horrible situation. Please move back home and be among your family of origin and let your son develop some family bonds that you can trust will not be broken. You can't erase the hurt or get back the last six years of your lives, but you can make a fresh start.

Your STBX has discarded you and your son. There's nothing you can do about that, but you can tell him he's a worthless human being and you regret the day you ever laid eyes on him, and walk away and build a new life for yourself. And hopefully, someday, you can make contact with your DSD again and tell her that this tragedy in her life was not your choice and not under your control, and that you are sorry she lost you and her brother.

Have pride. Show your son how to deal with people who prove themselves unworthy of his love and trust.


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#7 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. s

-Becky
DH 10/01, DS 1/04, DS 1/06, DS 5/09 (born sleeping), DD 4/11
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#8 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 08:52 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for you. I understand how you are a legal stranger to your DSD, but your DS too? They are half siblings, legally related, not strangers?! I would get a second opinion on that. It doesn't seem right or fair to anyone involved. But the children especially shouldn't lose each other. I am so sorry for your pain.
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#9 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 09:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Bunnyflakes View Post
What about your stepdaughter's Mother? Are you friendly with her? Perhaps you could talk to her and maybe she might encourage you to visit with her.
She hates me, has since she first found out about me. Even now, she's telling my husband how Katherine's "never been happier" and "is thriving without Krissy". (Then why does she, on the occasions she does get to see me, literally cloing to me, not let me go?!)

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I'm so sorry for you. I understand how you are a legal stranger to your DSD, but your DS too? They are half siblings, legally related, not strangers?!
My son is my son, my Husband is/was his Stepfather. His daughter is his daughter, I am/was her Stepmother. There is no biological link between the children- they are stepsiblings only.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#10 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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I am sorry, I misunderstood. I thought your son was also your ex's son. In that case, it makes this a crappy situation all around

I was hoping that maybe your SD's Mom would be agreeable, but it doesn't sound like it I wish there was something in place for when this happens. It does not seem fair to the children when they have to be separated from people who have been in their lives for so many years. Even though you are not her birth Mother, I can and always have been able to tell how much you love that child

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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#11 of 43 Old 03-14-2010, 09:42 PM
 
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Your STBX has discarded you and your son. There's nothing you can do about that, but you can tell him he's a worthless human being and you regret the day you ever laid eyes on him, and walk away and build a new life for yourself. And hopefully, someday, you can make contact with your DSD again and tell her that this tragedy in her life was not your choice and not under your control, and that you are sorry she lost you and her brother.
Very wise advice.

I am so sorry this happened to you. But you and your boy will be okay.
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#12 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 12:23 AM
 
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I'm sorry.

*formerly apecaut*, Mom to A, Calliope (stillborn 40 weeks 6/22/07), A and O
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#13 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 12:41 AM
 
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Caroline, partner to J, post partum doula, kitchen manager, aspiring midwife, soon to be nursing student, mama to my furbaby, someday a mama to not so furry munchkins, G-d willing
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#14 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 03:47 AM
 
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I'm so sorry . I hate what your ex is doing to you guys, it sounds so childish to say, "it's not fair" but that is exactly how I feel. It just isn't fair.
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#15 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 03:57 AM
 
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Have you contacted a lawyer?



I am so sorry, that sounds terribly painful

Not all those who wander are lost 
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#16 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 11:16 AM
 
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I am so sorry.

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
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#17 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 11:52 AM
 
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I was just wondering- what would happen if you contacted her biological mother and asked to visit?
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#18 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 11:54 AM
 
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sorry, just read the whole thread and saw that contacting her mother won't work.
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#19 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, HHM. I can't imagine how hard that would be. I, too, would be heartbroken and devastated to be cut out of my stepkids' lives.

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#20 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 05:07 PM
 
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I am so sorry HHM.
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#21 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 05:24 PM
 
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for you
for your son
for your daughter

I can't imagine why anybody would want to do that to a child. No matter what happens between the adults, the children should continue to feel the love and protection they expect and deserve.


Apparently doing it rong and ruining it for everyone, but I don't give a crap anymorebanana.gif

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#22 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 05:55 PM
 
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How horrible!!!

Formerly known as "JessicaRenee".  hang.gif  Single mama to Jude (Sept '09)!  biggrinbounce.gif

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#23 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 08:29 PM
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So so sorry, mama. That sounds just awful.
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#24 of 43 Old 03-15-2010, 09:51 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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#25 of 43 Old 03-16-2010, 08:31 AM
 
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That is horrible. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I do not think your DSD will forget you, or how much you love her. I remember an awful lot from when I was 9. In the end, this is all just going to turn around against her father. You should take every opportunity to see DSD that you can and to let her know that you love her and will always be there for her. As she gets into her teen years pretty soon, she'll find ways to contact you. She's not gone from you forever, just for a while. She'll come back.
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#26 of 43 Old 03-16-2010, 08:12 PM
 
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It sounds like all you can do is make sure she knows (every time you do get to see her) that you are there for her, that this isn't how you wanted it to be, and that you love her like crazy.

Does she have her own cell phone and/or email address? (I know she's only 9, but it seems like lots of kids these days have better technology than I do!) If so, stay in touch with her that way. Even if you can't see her, you can "talk" to her and let her know you're there if she needs you.
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#27 of 43 Old 03-16-2010, 11:50 PM
 
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That is horrible. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I do not think your DSD will forget you, or how much you love her. I remember an awful lot from when I was 9. In the end, this is all just going to turn around against her father. You should take every opportunity to see DSD that you can and to let her know that you love her and will always be there for her. As she gets into her teen years pretty soon, she'll find ways to contact you. She's not gone from you forever, just for a while. She'll come back.
I agree. Many hugs, mama.

mama to Joshua (9), Lily (8), Jude (6) and Ava (6)

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#28 of 43 Old 03-28-2010, 01:03 PM
 
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Sometimes there are legal provisions for this type of thing. I would contact a lawyer. At least you'll know you've tried everything you can to be in her life.
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#29 of 43 Old 04-12-2010, 05:11 PM
 
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The siblings have the right to a relationship. Contact an attorney or legal aid.
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#30 of 43 Old 04-15-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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That's just evil. I'm so sorry, what a terrible thing to do to children
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