SIDS took my sweet Malachi 2 weeks ago today... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 03:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And I am so lost without him... He was my miracle baby; my water broke at 17 weeks. And against all odds and all the medical "professionals'" prognoses. He stayed in for almost 11 more weeks, he was born naturally, and cried upon entry. My God proved his awesomeness and faithfulness. He thrived and surprised everyone, but me as I knew he would do well bc God keeps his promises...
After 75 days in the NICU I was finally able to take him home on march 17; the day before the first angelversary of my son Matthew Jr who was born and passed at 18 weeks. I was over the moon to say the least. I think the only person happier was his older brother Jimmy(6), he could not stop smiling when my mom and I surprised him by picking him up with Malachi in tow. One of the best days of my life...
Everything was going great he was nursing more and more efficiently...SO perfect. Around 2am on the 28th my fiance and I go to bed, I take Malachi out of his co-sleeper- we lay down to fall asleep nursing. I awake in the hour of 6am to a morning I wish I could forget. Screams, CPR, fluids, shouting prayers going unanswered.
What do I do when I feel like God has broken his promises? How do I go on? I can't wash his clothes, I can't sell his diapers, I can't do anything.
I have had a first trimester m/c.
I have had to make difficult choices.
I have lost a son with no chance after live birth at 18 weeks.
I have blown odds and statistics out of the water due to my Faith in Christ with Malachi...TO have him taken from me 3 days shy of 3 months and only 10 full days of being home.
I just kept repeating to myself 'co-sleeping, a.p. babies DON'T die from SIDS!WHY ME?! WHY NOW?!'
But rly I guess...Why not me? Why not now? Who am I to decide?
<3 Malachi Raphael-Antonio 1/1/2010-3/28/2010 <3
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#2 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 03:44 AM
 
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Oh Mama... I am so so sorry.

Spiralshell -- Mama to David Nathaniel, born October 2009. And so you see I have come to doubt all that I once held as true. I stand alone without belief, the only truth I know is you.
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#3 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 04:02 AM
 
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So sorry to hear your lost....Hugs to you my dear

Hipkidz
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#4 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 02:25 PM
 
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Malachi

I, too, wonder why my prayers for my second son didn't result in a miracle. He died when he was 12 hours old.

My heart breaks with yours. Also, for your son. The second hardest part of dealing with losing my son for the last year and a half has been helping my oldest son (who is six) work through the loss. He speaks of him often and misses him so much. We took him to a grief counselor right after and then just a few weeks ago he asked to go see her again. He hadn't been in over a year (and only went twice before) but he felt the need to go and talk about his brother. So, we've taken him back and he seems better for it.

All I can say is be easy on yourself and remind your family to do the same for each other. There is no greater loss or grief I now believe. I've experienced the death of many close family members but nothing is as primal or deep as the loss of a child.

You have my deepest sympathies. Also, if you haven't already, please come over to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss part of MDC - I know those ladies provided such great support (and still do). It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one in these horrible shoes.
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#5 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 02:58 PM
 
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So, so sorry.
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#6 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 03:05 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this Mama. It is hard to keep faith when really awful things happen, but it is in those darkest hours we need it the most. Thinking about you and praying for you.

caffix.gifChristine: Mama to bouncy.gif  DS 04/17/08  *Infant Stroke Survivor*  Always remembering:  brokenheart.gifbrokenheart.gifbrokenheart.gif

 

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#7 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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crying for you and your son. I'm so, so very sorry.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#8 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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s mama, God is still with you. He will carry you through this time of grief.

Heather-- I'm a <>< SAHM of two fabulous boys 8/05 and 2/07
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#9 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 03:47 PM
 
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I'm so sorry Momma. My heart goes out to you and your family. Sending healing and lots of love and hugs.
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#10 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 03:56 PM
 
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so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how painful this must be.

You have endured so much clearly.....

If the people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny." Thomas Jefferson.

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#11 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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So sorry....

Mom to a girl 7.17.07 and a boy 5.30.09 Wife to husband 8.12.81 (ha) New baby boy 3.09.11 stillheart.gif
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#12 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 08:01 PM
 
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I am so sorry mama. I to just had a loss. My 18 month old daughter passed away completely unexpected on March 10th. I to have the same questions of god, the unfairness. I know no words i say to you will help you with your pain because there is nothing anyone can say to me. I coslept, and breastfed till the day she died. It was not your fault mama. Sometimes I feel like if i hadnt done what i did she wouldve died sooner. I could go on and on and it just never ends. My heart hurts for you.

Jennifer, Proud army wife to Michael. Mother to Emily age 6 and Megan, my little angel who is now forever 18 months old. I miss you baby girl (9-2-08 to 3-10-10)
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#13 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 08:05 PM
 
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I am so sorry you lost your baby.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystalftw View Post
I just kept repeating to myself 'co-sleeping, a.p. babies DON'T die from SIDS!
Don't blame yourself - you did not do anything wrong and unfortunately there is no way to parent that can prevent SIDS 100% of the time. I wish you all the best and I'm so very sorry.
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#14 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 08:09 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss I wish there were words to help ease your pain. You are not alone

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#15 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 09:46 PM
 
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I am so sorry for you loss. Don't blame yourself, I know you will find peace s

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
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#16 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 10:11 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

My Etsy Shop
Acorn Dolls~Wool Felt Crowns~Children's Craft Kits~Shooting Stars~Dancing Fairy Rings~Come On Over and Play!
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#17 of 51 Old 04-12-2010, 10:31 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely boy.

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

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#18 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 03:10 AM
 
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I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.

Love tocrochetsmilie.gifand have way to much yarn!   teapot2.GIF is always on at my place.  
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#19 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 04:36 AM
 
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So sorry, Mama! Rest in peace, sweet Malachi.

Kali (pka Michelle) ~ crunchy wife to Cory (09/06) ~ Mama to H (03/90) & I (06/92)--bothnocirc.gifbf.jpg BF for 35 consecutive months ~ angel1.gif x 4

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#20 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 11:55 AM
 
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 Married to my sweetie and enjoying life with our fabulous dog.  Expecting #1 in August 2012!!!!

 

 
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#21 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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Tears for you and Malachi

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#22 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, Mama!

Malachi

Have you seen the updated user agreement yet?
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#23 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 12:38 PM
 
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Mama, I am so sorry. Please know we are thinking of you!

PT dentist, FT mom to DS 5.5, DD 2.5 and DS 1/29/10
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#24 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 02:05 PM
 
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I am so sorry about your sweet little Malachi. I hope you find strength and peace as you have had so much to deal with.

The sea monkey has my money.

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#25 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 02:40 PM
 
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, , , , , to DD1 (4.5 years old) and DD2 (7 months) and 2
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#26 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 02:49 PM
 
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I am so very sorry for your loss.


-Melanie
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#27 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 06:03 PM
 
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I am so sorry mama.

rainbow1284.gif Mama to DD1 (6) DD2 (4) and DD3 (1)
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#28 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 09:59 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.
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#29 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 10:00 PM
 
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Wife of 20 years to my superhero firefighting DH. SAHM to 2 boys and 2 girls (3 babies in Heaven- Baby # 5 5/2010 & Baby #6 8/2011 & Baby # 7 2/1013). Cancer Survivor 2011 ( Persistent Malignant Gestational Trophoblastic Disease)

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#30 of 51 Old 04-13-2010, 10:21 PM
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I am heartsick for you. May God have some reason for what happened because I really can't see why.
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