After 75 days in the NICU I was finally able to take him home on march 17; the day before the first angelversary of my son Matthew Jr who was born and passed at 18 weeks. I was over the moon to say the least. I think the only person happier was his older brother Jimmy(6), he could not stop smiling when my mom and I surprised him by picking him up with Malachi in tow. One of the best days of my life...
Everything was going great he was nursing more and more efficiently...SO perfect. Around 2am on the 28th my fiance and I go to bed, I take Malachi out of his co-sleeper- we lay down to fall asleep nursing. I awake in the hour of 6am to a morning I wish I could forget. Screams, CPR, fluids, shouting prayers going unanswered.
What do I do when I feel like God has broken his promises? How do I go on? I can't wash his clothes, I can't sell his diapers, I can't do anything.
I have had a first trimester m/c.
I have had to make difficult choices.
I have lost a son with no chance after live birth at 18 weeks.
I have blown odds and statistics out of the water due to my Faith in Christ with Malachi...TO have him taken from me 3 days shy of 3 months and only 10 full days of being home.
I just kept repeating to myself 'co-sleeping, a.p. babies DON'T die from SIDS!WHY ME?! WHY NOW?!'
But rly I guess...Why not me? Why not now? Who am I to decide?
I, too, wonder why my prayers for my second son didn't result in a miracle. He died when he was 12 hours old.
My heart breaks with yours. Also, for your son. The second hardest part of dealing with losing my son for the last year and a half has been helping my oldest son (who is six) work through the loss. He speaks of him often and misses him so much. We took him to a grief counselor right after and then just a few weeks ago he asked to go see her again. He hadn't been in over a year (and only went twice before) but he felt the need to go and talk about his brother. So, we've taken him back and he seems better for it.
All I can say is be easy on yourself and remind your family to do the same for each other. There is no greater loss or grief I now believe. I've experienced the death of many close family members but nothing is as primal or deep as the loss of a child.
You have my deepest sympathies. Also, if you haven't already, please come over to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss part of MDC - I know those ladies provided such great support (and still do). It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one in these horrible shoes.
Christine: Mama to DS 04/17/08 *Infant Stroke Survivor* Always remembering:
Took a 'break' from TTC and look what happened: !!!! for a healthy, full term baby to be born August 2012!! Hoping for a !
You have endured so much clearly.....
If the people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny." Thomas Jefferson.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Love toand have way to much yarn! is always on at my place.
Wife , momma , teacher and all that is inbetween to A b. 31/12/04, W b. 27/10/06, V b 17/01/09, and G b. 09/09/11
Kali (pka Michelle) ~ crunchy wife to Cory (09/06) ~ Mama to H (03/90) & I (06/92)--both ~ BF for 35 consecutive months ~ x 4
Wife of 20 years to my superhero firefighting DH. SAHM to 2 boys and 2 girls (3 babies in Heaven- Baby # 5 5/2010 & Baby #6 8/2011 & Baby # 7 2/1013). Cancer Survivor 2011 ( Persistent Malignant Gestational Trophoblastic Disease)