Well what if we don't want to remember? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 04-15-2010, 02:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband and I have a lot in common, some of it not so good.

12 years ago, on the same day, he lost his father unexpectedly and suddenly and I lost my little brother, also very tragically. We didn't know each other when this happened. So I never got to meet his father and he didn't get to meet my brother.

If no one said anything, we probably would not remember the anniversary of their deaths, but we always remember them, everyday they are in our heads, but on their birthdays we light candles for them and say a prayer.

His father was a well known professor at Northwestern. He was also a well known Author of 16 books. One day a seemingly healthy man in his 50s, just dropped dead of a heart attack in his office. The college world was very effected by his death. They even named a library after him. He was a very good man, but was closer to his other son, my dh loved him very much but the bond was more with his mother then his very busy father. His mother never recovered, I can understand that, I do not know what I would do if I lost dh.

My brother was held under water at a pool party by a bully, in a house with irresponsible parents not watching the kids in the pool. The parents at this party were getting drunk and watching tv. It brought my family to its knees of course. Its been a long time and I still wonder all the time if this was what was meant to be?


Every year on the anniversary, we get an email from MIL reminding us of the death anniversary, I also get a card from my family, who take out an ad in the paper, clip it and send it to me.

My husband and I would like to not think about this day, we don't want to celebrate their deaths, we don't want our day to be about pain and tears, we would rather celebrate their lives on their birthdays.

Mil called and asked dh if he had gotten her email and he said yes, then she said "well"? and he was kinda confused, like "well what?" and she said "what are you planning to do about it?" He was really confused then and she explained to him that we should sit down with the kids and tell them about today and FILs death and stuff. We are not going to do that, the children didn't know him, they know of him, but I would hate to set them aside every year and remind them that everyone has to be sad today.

I know there is nothing I can really do about this, that we have to allow others to grieve in their own way, and this is the way they need to do it, I just really wish we could choose our own way of grieving too. kwim?

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#2 of 2 Old 04-17-2010, 10:01 AM
 
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mama2too, I understand what you're saying and I think how you look at this is good. I lost my mom and dad in 2008 and the next year I put ads in the paper on the days they died, but I decided then that it would be the only time. I'd rather recall them with happiness on the days they were born than turn the days they died into days of dread.
Life goes on, and we shouldn't have to be miserable, ya know?
I agree with you, I wouldn't set my kids aside to teach them that those days are sad days. someday you can tell them about your FIL and brother, but you don't have to weigh them down with grief.
kudos to you...I think you're right on.
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