He made the decision to stop treatments and begin palliative care and just over a week later, he was gone.
I live over 2000 miles away and was making my travel plans. He died 12 hours before I got there.
Anyway, I'm also pregnant--almost 31 weeks along and it's all so emotional. My dad was soooo happy I was pregnant (I've had several pregnancy losses), and he was rooting for me. We knew the gender (boy) but were keeping it a secret. About 2 weeks before he passed I was talking to him on the phone and he was saying that he didn't know how long he'd be around (this was before he stopped treatment but had been thinking about it). So I broke the secret and told him it was a boy. He was overjoyed. This will be his 9th grandchild. The first born was a boy, then there were 8 girls, and this one--most likely the last, was another boy.
I'm struggling to take care of my pregnant self and prepare for this baby because I'm so overwhelmed with grief. the first week or so I was barely eating, sleeping poorly and not drinking enough water at all. My DH kept on me to care for myself. I'm doing better with basic care but it's hard to focus on this baby and the upcoming birth at all.
A friend of mine asked if I was talking to the baby and telling him that I wasn't sad because of him that I'm very happy about him etc. And I was thinking, "nope! It didn't occur to me." So now I feel guilty that my baby is absorbing all my sadness--that and the fact that I can barely remember to eat, take my vitamins, drink my pregnancy tea etc. Could this be affecting my baby?
This convinced me that Jake was indead happy and in a very good place. Noah was born a very funny boy. Relaxed, happy, sure of his place even though I might not have had him if Jake had not died. And I am sure your son wont suffer! Cry all you need because he knows it is not because of him!
Barbara, Mama to Isabel (06/2004), Jake (08/2006-03/2007), Noah (01/2008), and Matteo (07/2011)
Please always research the safety of vaccines even if your doctor tells you they are harmless!
My father died days before DD was born, after a long drawn-out illness. I was in early labor during the funeral, and chose not to speak from the podium because I didn't want to have a contraction in front of everyone.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Ditch the guilt. You need to grieve, so that the emotions are resolved, the hurt healed. So you can go on and be a happy mommy for your little one.
If you are concerned about it, then DO go ahead and tell your baby why you are sad (or angry, or guilty, or...). But, as the previous poster said, I'm sure he knows it's not him.
Please do take care of yourself. Drop any responsibilities that you can, or delegate them, so that you can reduce your stress level and recharge.
Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away.
My husband was in a lot of pain from a disease he caught in Iraq. It wasn't fair for him to go on living in so much pain. I want him here, in fact I'm even mad that all those shity fathers get to keep living and my kids who had a great father who loved them have to grow up fatherless. But if he was here, his pain would have just got worse and worse and it wouldn't have been fun for them to see their Dad in so much pain anyway.
I don't know if you are spiritual/religious but if so, remind yourself that both you and your baby will see your Dad again someday. Your father is no longer in pain and is watching over you and the baby. This life is temporary, heaven is eternal and you and your baby will have plenty of time to catch up and visit with him soon where he'll be pain-free!
I agree with the previous posters who said it's good to let it out and grieve. I lost my grandmother while I was pregnant with DD. I was able to go out and visit her 2 months before she died of ovarian cancer (I'd just found out I was pregnant before I left town to see her). I think it helped her to know that she was going to have a grandbaby (her first and only so far) even though she knew may never meet her.
I've spoken to DD about her grandma and DD gets sad that she never met her, but she loves hearing about her and seeing photos. DD is very sensitive. But I don't think I harmed her in any way by going through a grieving period during my pregnancy.
If you feel like you are having difficulty coping with your grief, you might want to consider seeing a grief counselor, but otherwise, it sounds like you are doing what you need to be doing. Your baby will be fine.
Love lives on. Take care.
My dad has had a very long tortured path with Alzheimers the last 5 years or so and had a severe stroke about a year and a half ago that left him in a wheelchair and with more brain damage.
I found out that I am pregnant a couple of months ago and go from being overjoyed with a new life growing inside me to having the waves of grief and feelings of helplessness over my Dad wash over me.... I've also been wondering how that feels to my baby. It is so hard.....
homeschooling mama to 8 yr old with a new little one(5-5-2011) ...
You can't NOT grieve. It's not possible to stop feeling the way you're feeling. So don't feel guilty... Guilt is for stuff that you can do something about.
It'll be okay. Take care of yourself, get some exercise and enough sleep and food.
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