I am so sorry for you loss ... my baby was born at 39 weeks and we were expecting a noisy entrance, but was greeted with silence. This happened just 9 days ago. Alexander's funeral is tomorrow :(.
Well, we had Alexander's funeral last Saturday. The day started with a light dusting of snow which makes me think Alex wanted to see some snow before going to his new home. A friend of mine said that Alex was as mischievous as her own son (whom she lost almost 2 years ago). The day was truly tough for both my husband and me. We were supposed to be at the funeral home for 11:00am but my husband seemed to be prolonging our departure from home till the very last minute. I think it's because going there would make it all seem way too real for him. We managed to get there in no time at all (thank goodness it's close to home) and we were given a few minutes to be alone with our son. Again, he looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping. We put a frog in his casket ... the one his aunt gave him when Alex was about 3 months in utero. My husband pressed the frog's belly and it started singing the alphabet song ... that's when my husband broke down. We played that frog on my belly throughout the 9 months ... I'm sure that's what would have been the first words out of Alex!! A lot of people came to Alex's viewing and service (which was a short prayer service and a couple of people -- husband and a dear friend -- said a few words about our son. It was comforting to see so many people who loved Alex (and us) ...
Alexander's final resting place is the same cemetery where my dad is ... so I know dad is watching over Alex now. Alexander is resting among other infants and children, so I know he has a lot of playmates ... at least he won't be bored! We released 9 white and blue balloons (among family members). Out of the 9 balloons, 1 white and 1 blue balloon escaped the trees and didn't pop. I like to think the blue balloon is the one my husband released and somehow my white balloon managed to get through to ... so I think those two balloons raised Alex to his final home -- heaven.
It still really hurts when I think of that day ... but each day that passes has been getting a tad bit easier. I've finally gotten the courage to go to my local grocery store where a few of the cashiers knew we were expecting ... I've just avoided going to their queue. There's a restaurant that mom and I go to every Wednesday and for about two weeks, I avoided the place ... till my sister went in and told them what happened. I guess I don't want to have to explain what happened. I don't feel ready to do so yet ... I know I will when the time comes that I can talk about Alexander and not tear up. We weren't going to put up the Christmas tree this year (that's what I decided when we were told Alex hadn't made it). But after seeing the tree lit up at Toronto's City Hall and the fireworks display (which I like to think was Alex's grand entrance into heaven), we decided to put the tree up. Got a friend and my sisters to decorate the tree last night (they work for food!) I know Alex is looking down and admiring the tree he would have seen up close. I have to keep my baby son alive in my heart ... miss him so much still.
Leannelatterell ... my heart goes out to you. I was hoping and praying to hear Alexander's noisy entrance too. That's what we were expecting anyway. We buried our baby the last Saturday of November. You and I are similar ... this Christmas is going to be especially tough for us ... I'll include your Michael in my prayers.
i am so so sorry for your loss. i understand your pain. i lost my little boy on oct 12. losing a child is something that is completely against the natural order of things. and it's a pain that is so unbearable. and i'm sorry that you have to feel this pain as well. pls know that i'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. ((hugs))
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