How am I supposed to live without my daughter? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 104 Old 12-08-2010, 03:05 PM
 
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i am so so sorry for you loss. i too lost my baby recently. my 4.5 mo old son passed away ~2 mo ago while during his nap from SIDS. though the situations were different, the pain is still very much the same. pls know that i am here for you should you *ever* need to talk. you can find my baby's story, and my contact info in my blog (link in siggy). no one should have to bear this pain. and i'm so sorry that you now have to. sending you all the strength and love that i can. ((hugs))

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#62 of 104 Old 12-09-2010, 06:36 AM
 
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Oh, no. bawling.gif  I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.  I bawled reading your story.  I'm so, so sorry.  I know there are no amount of words that will do.  I can't imagine what all you're going through.  My heart just aches for you and your family.  I hope you have a lot of support and you're surrounded by lots of love.  My thoughts are with you and yours.  stillheart.gif hug.gif


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#63 of 104 Old 12-09-2010, 07:40 AM
 
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just came back by to give you ((hugs)). hope today is gentle.

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#64 of 104 Old 12-19-2010, 06:08 PM
 
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I am really, really sorry for the loss of your daughter.  I can't imagine what you're going through and the mountain of hurt you are in.  I wish I could hug you for real, please know I am sending the biggest hug ever.  You will be close in thoughts and prayers.


 

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#65 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 05:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i am sorry i have been in a depression. i don't get online. i don't do anything that is not a necessity.

i have been to the counselor once. i haven't been back. she told me during my visit that it was not my fault i am just young..

young? so had i been older it wouldn't have happened? i know she meant nothing by it but it still just hurt.

 

i never would have knew. blinds are something you grow up with and they're just a common household item.

yes you tie up the drawstrings when baby-proofing.. but the inner cord makes a perfect loop. and who would have ever imagined?

i thought i was a good mom. i am against hitting. i have researched all i can research i thought. i am not for circumcision.

i don't vaccinate.. i thought i was a good mom. now i see i wasn't as good as i thought..

 

4 months and 2 days since i seen her beautiful smile or heard that's sweet voice.

4 months since i buried my 18 month old babygirl.

 

i don't have a sense of peace. i thought i would feel she was in heaven and be comforted but i have no such feeling.

maybe it is me? but i look at her pictures and she seems so lost.

 

i still cry myself to sleep at night. when i wake up and it smacks me in the face..

this must be hell on earth? i spend every moment trying to deal with the pain.

work through it and deal with it so as to confront it and resolve it yet i feel no difference.

sure as the days pass i feel differently  but the pain.. every time i cry is still so painful.

oh it hurts physically. i feel like i can honestly cry myself to death never in my life have i felt pain until know. your husband cheating.. losing relatives..

nothing even comes close to the pain i feel the grief.. it is crippling literately and is unimaginable.

i wouldn't wish it on anyone.. yet i can very easily pick another family in walmart taking their child for-granted 

or even my own family and friends who seem to be unattached emotionally and say why not them?

why not a family who wouldn't miss their child so much.

i feel like i am losing my mind.

there are mornings i don't want to get up let alone be a mom.

but i always think how everything i do will effect my kids not just physically but emotionally as well as mentally..

so i try to be strong for my boys.. but it is hard i don't want to take them out to play when i cant take her.

it just seems no matter where i am there is always one too few..

and no one understands.. the one person who knows what i feel. who was there when i found her.

who created her with me. seems to be lost as i am and its as though we cant help eachother.

i still have alot of work to do.

but i wanted to reply to let you all know how much your words really do mean at a time i feel i have no one.

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#66 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 06:08 AM
 
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mecry.gifI'm so sorry, mama.  Thinking of you and your sweet girl.

 


An introvert and ain't ashamed of it!  love.gif
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#67 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 08:49 AM
 
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I am so very sorry for what you've gone through.  No matter how old you are, accidents happen.  You loved your daughter, when she died, it was an accident.  Period.  Do not blame yourself or let anyone blame you.  You loved her and cared for her and an awful accident happened.  (((((hugs))))


 

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#68 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 09:28 AM
 
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OMG!!!!!!!!! I am so sorry to read about this. How so very scared you must have been, how so very sad you must be now. I wish I had words to comfort you. HUGS.


CDing, BFing, co-sleeping, combination of BWing and stroller-using mama to DD, 05/2010. Pursuing a back to nature lifestyle.
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#69 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 09:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thandiwe View Post

I am so very sorry for what you've gone through.  No matter how old you are, accidents happen.  You loved your daughter, when she died, it was an accident.  Period.  Do not blame yourself or let anyone blame you.  You loved her and cared for her and an awful accident happened.  (((((hugs))))



This exactly. Something like this could happen to the perfect mom (which there is no such thing). You loved your little girl, and I'm sure she knows that. My heart goes out to you!


Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#70 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 04:36 PM
 
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My heart breaks for you. I am just so sorry. hug2.gif


Mama to a preschooler and a baby.

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#71 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 04:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indigosky View Post

Oh, mama, you are living every parent's nightmare. We all do our best to keep our children safe, but none of us is perfect. Most of the time our children are lucky and manage to survive despite the times we parents turn our backs, misjudge something, overlook a risk. And then occasionally situations like yours happen.

 

It will take many years, but it will get easier for you. Take it one day, one hour, one breath at a time, if needed. Hang in there. Find support and counseling. We are all sending you hugs!



yes to this.


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#72 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 05:48 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, Mama. I think of you often. Have you looked into finding another counselor, or maybe a support group? This is too big of a burden for you to bear alone. hug.gif

lady.gifMama to DS banana.gif(5) and DD broc1.gif(2)
 

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#73 of 104 Old 02-22-2011, 06:01 PM
 
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So unbelievably sorry Mama, my heart hurts for you. 


Dirt worshiping, creatress Mama to Rowan and Alden - home birth loving, no circ, no vax, extended breast feeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing, cosleeping

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#74 of 104 Old 02-28-2011, 12:13 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. You are not a bad mom.  Your daughter's death was an accident.  When my youngest was about 6 months old I was cosleeping with him in a twin bed and I pulled the down comforter up too high because I was cold.  I woke up during the night and found him completely under the covers and drenched in sweat.  It was very difficult to wake him up and he normally woke up easily if I just moved in the bed.  If I had slept longer he might've died.  I was trying my best to be a good mom, but we all make mistakes.  I doubt that's much comfort to you, but I wanted to say that no one is perfect and I know you loved your daughter and took good care of her while she was with you.  Please go easy on yourself.

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#75 of 104 Old 03-02-2011, 10:57 PM
 
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I am so, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are so alone. Grief can make you feel like you are on an island of emotion that nobody can reach. But you are not alone. We hear you. And we cry with you for the loss of your sweet child.

This didn't happen because you are young. This didn't happen because you are an imperfect mom. This was not your fault.

Please find someone to help you. From your writing I can see how lost you feel. You have lost yourself to grief. Please reach out and find someone who can help you find how to live with this burden you must now carry. Time will not make it lighter, it only makes you stronger. Your partner is struggling too. A skilled therapist can help you find a way to shoulder on side by side and allow your grief to pull you together instead of isolating you.

Please reach out to us here too. We are here for you. We hear you. We cry with you, and remember you and your sweet little girl in our prayers.

CD'ing, homebirthing, milk making school teacher. Supporting my family on my income and trying to get out of debt in 2013!
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#76 of 104 Old 03-04-2011, 08:43 AM
 
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hug.gif. I would look for another counselor and give that another go. You need support at this time, I hope you can find some.

Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
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#77 of 104 Old 03-04-2011, 09:31 AM
 
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I'm speechless.  I cannot imagine the pain you're in.  I'm so so sorry for your loss.

 

This was not your fault.  This was nothing to do with how much you love her, how old you are or how perfect a mother you are.  It was an accident.  There but for the grace of god go we, all of us.  I am leaving this site now to take every blind in my house down, in sharing as you have you may have saved my childrens' lives.  Thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart.  I wish i could carry your pain for even a brief moment, it seems so horrifically unfair that you have to shoulder it yourself.

 

With much love.

 

Beccy

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#78 of 104 Old 03-04-2011, 10:18 AM
 
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I have cried over your post 3 times and not have responded because I had no words. You are in my thoughts, I hope you find some peace and healing. Your love for your daughter is felt by us all. You are an amazing, loving mother. What happened to you was a tragedy, and not your fault.


SAHM to one moody son J hat.gif(06-27-03), one super-girly daughter M hearts.gif (02-23-06) and welcome Sophie! energy.gif(05-23-10) expecting fourth in July baby.gif

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#79 of 104 Old 03-09-2011, 12:40 AM
 
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I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. I will absolutely be praying for comfort and peace for you and the strength to make it through each day. I lost my son last year, and I ended up going to something called Griefshare. It was a really wonderful blessing that helped me start moving through the grieving process. I didn't read all of the posts, so I don't know if anyone already suggested it, but I just felt like I needed to let you know about it. They have a website (griefshare.org) where you can find meetings in your area. Big hugs to you and to your family. I will be thinking of you.


Gayle, mom to Reagan and Ryan, 09/15/03, Cade, 12/08/05 and sweet Josiah, 05/23/10-07/16/10
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#80 of 104 Old 03-09-2011, 07:10 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.  This was not your fault.  I have faith that you are strong and have a happy, fulfilling life ahead of you, with intense support from people who love you. 

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#81 of 104 Old 03-10-2011, 10:07 AM
 
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Your pain is so unbearable...I wish I could take it away for you. I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you it's all going to be okay. I'm so sorry. No one should ever feel the pain of losing a child. No one. It's not your fault. As I look around my house right now, there are countless ways I could lose one of my children from a tragic accident. You are not to blame for your baby's death. No one is. The first step towards any glimmer of peace would be to absolve yourself of any responsibility. You're going to need support to do this. You cannot do this alone. I definitely think a new counselor is the way to go. PM me if you would like a homeopathic consult. I'm a practicing homeopath and would help you free of charge. Sending you light and love in this dark, dark time. You will be in my prayers. I pray you find peace and relief soon. 


Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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#82 of 104 Old 03-10-2011, 05:41 PM
 
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I am so, so, so very sorry. You will continually be in our thoughts at my home.

Perpetually TTC #1.  Let's go, Lightning!
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#83 of 104 Old 03-11-2011, 12:30 AM
 
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Oh my god, I am so, so, so, sorry brokenheart.gif  That is completely heartbreaking.  I just want to grab you up in a huge hug and let you sit with me and cry all you want, for days if you have to.  My heart goes out to you, it really does.  I couldn't even imagine how much pain you must have gone through.  Please do not time your grief cycles.  Don't worry about working through things or any thing like that.  Just live as best you can one moment at a time and accept all the help you can get.

 

Much love to you and your family.  heartbeat.gif

 

Here is an idea, if you are open to it.  If not, maybe you could try it when the rawness of the pain has subsided a little.  Sit in a spot where you feel happiest and talk to your daughter like she is still there.  Ask her to show you a sign that she is still with you in spirit.  I really do believe that while our physical bodies die, our spiritual bodies are infinite.  She is on the other side, waiting to be with you again. 


Reneé, 33 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 nocirc.gif and Arianna 9/06 gd.gif angel1.gifangel1.gif (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 blowkiss.gif.  TTC a little rainbow rainbow1284.gifchartnew.gif http://www.FertilityFriend.com/home/4e4ac9 Currently in the 2WW 
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#84 of 104 Old 03-11-2011, 02:24 AM
 
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I could barely read your story though my tears. Nothing I can type here could possibly convey what I feel upon reading this... but I do want you to know that I (as any other mother) truly understands that you loved and wanted to protect your child as much as any other mother. Mistakes do happen, and they happen to the best, most careful parents. I hope you can find a support group IRL, as you certainly are not alone in your grief.

 

I wish I could help you feel less pain right now. I'm so sorry for your loss.      


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#85 of 104 Old 03-30-2011, 05:04 AM
 
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Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you, and wondering how you;'re doing.

grouphug.gif


Mama to my 2 boys
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#86 of 104 Old 03-31-2011, 04:57 PM
 
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I am wondering how you are doing too. Every time I see your post, I cry. 

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#87 of 104 Old 04-01-2011, 12:19 PM
 
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There are truly no words :(  I am sitting here bawling my eyes out.  I have a 3 year old and a 20 month old and I just cannot imagine.  I can feel your pain thru your posts.  I hope you are doing better.


Love 12.22.2004 ** Marriage 2.24.2007 ** Baby Carriage 8.7.2007 ** Double Stroller 7.20.2009 ** Triple Trouble EDD 5.15.2011
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#88 of 104 Old 04-08-2011, 10:06 PM
 
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Quote:
AveryLostMommy: i have been to the counselor once. i haven't been back. she told me during my visit that it was not my fault i am just young .. young? so had i been older it wouldn't have happened? i know she meant nothing by it but it still just hurt.
 
Sometimes counselors can say stupid things that make you feel worse. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you. 
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#89 of 104 Old 07-22-2011, 07:50 PM
 
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I think of you from time to time and wonder how you are doing. Hope you are finding some peace hug.gif

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treehugger.gifMama to a beautiful baby girl diaper.gif.. Ava,   born 8/21/10!  saynovax.gif

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#90 of 104 Old 08-28-2011, 04:57 PM
 
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I still think of you often. I hope you come back soon and update us. ((((hugs)))))

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