How am I supposed to live without my daughter? - Mothering Forums

How am I supposed to live without my daughter?

AveryLostMommy's Avatar AveryLostMommy (TS)
02:04 PM Liked: 0
#1 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 16
Joined: Nov 2010
Sorry I havent been on.
I have no internet..
I just got a smart phone and so I finally feel like i have some type of connection to the outside world. Since my babygirl passed I have been in a haze it feels like a fog.
I have kept to myself. No conseling yet. Maybe soon. Deffinately church soon. Need god in my life as do my children. I know it seems crazy but I think i take them even more forgranted now. I even seem to have no patience and then again sometimes i have more than i ever knew i could. I have lost my mind i feel.. i dont think time has eases this pain but yes i have learned to live with it. Or have I? I wonder if i am fooling myself that I am healing and grieving when i havent dealt with all my feeling or if i am really healing? Can i heel!? How do you heal from something like this. Sorry i know i probably make no since honestly feel as though ive lost myself. Alot of me left the day she did. My boys are good now 4 and 2 and my 2 yr old has so much of his sister it breaks my heart and yet comforts me at the same time. I just had a baby girl February 24th of this yr and though i thought i wasnt strong enough to do it i am here with them and i no longer want to die. I thank the lord for my boys and my time with my daughter and i thank him and my angel for sendind her sissy. Not having girl stuff arounf really got to me. I coulsnt go in the atore without cryinh or rubbin the girl items and thinkin of her. And having girl things around again helps in a way. I still have my daughters room with all of her stuff i dont think ill ever put away. I still buy her things as well. She is who made me who i am today. Losing her changed me profoundly. I still ache for her as tho it was yesterday it doesnt seem like it been so long. I have noticed though i dont allow myself to cry.. when i atart to i can stop myself usually. I had told myself for so long that i didnt even deserve to cry that i think i believe it. I did bawl when i read the post about you taking down your blinds beth and then again bawled at beccy removing hers. You dont know what that mwans to me. To know my baby had an impact and maybe saved another is comforting! And for you to research blinds like u did beth is amazing! You go momma! Thank you all alm of your for your kind words i read every word. I am very interested to homeopathy also. I fried antidepressants theyre just not for me. And if any other mom would like to talk i am always here i am not much comfort and have no magic words but we can share our memories. Me and my husband still dont really talk about that day.. we reminisce about her the words she was learning the things she did we just dont talk like we shoukd but were still together. My 4 yr old struggles he struggles with why she is gone and doesnt like the word dead or die. He says she up in the sky with jesus. He has gotten the worste end i feel.. his mom has been in a grieving state for half his life and i have had all my bad days and he was there for them ): i dont have much help. Its just me. My husband doesnt help much even when he ia here wink1.gif but i do have some small piece of mind knowing my baby is in paradise and would never wish her back. I only make it knowing we still have eternity together. And i cant wait til then. Oh and my babys name was Yulia. My beautiful little Yulia.







I am 23 I have 3 kids.
My eldest son is 3..
My daughter is 19 months..
My youngest son is 7 months.

Recently my world has been turned upside down.
I layed my 18 month old babygirl down for a nap on Oct. 30th
And when she hadn't woke up about an hour later I went to check on her. What I found will be with me for the rest of my life. She was sitting up and looked to be asleep. I remember laughing cuz she often dozed of sitting up.. And as I stepped into the room I seen her lips were blue and she had the blind cord around her neck.

I yelled for my husband who got her untangled and handed her to me. I gave her CPR and I remember feeling knowing she wouldn't be ok.. I remember as I gave her CPR hearing her voice as the air exited her little body and thinking I will never hear that sound again. As I called 911 I remember screaming she's dead my baby is dead. Not wanting to believe it. I remeber carrying her to the paramedics. I remember the cops came and how long tha ambulance sat outfront before departing to the hospital and I knew she wouldn't be ok yet somehow I told myself life support or some miracle would save my baby. My baby can't be dead. You hear awful things like this happen but never would it happen to you or your child.
At the hospital we were formally told they did all theycpuld but she had died. I remember crying over her tiny body and telling her I was so sorry. I wasn't there when she needed me the most.
At the hospital we were formally told they did all theycpuld but she had died. I remember crying over her tiny body and telling her I was so sorry. I wasn't there when she needed me the most.
A planned her funeral. I kept thinking each day I would wake up and it would all be a dream. I eared it all to go away. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I couldn't hold my baby. I feel I don't deserve my boys when I can't keep my daughter safe. I feel so guilty. I couldn't eat for days after she passed. I just want to go away to go be with her. I know my boys need me but I just I can't seem to come out of this pain. I walk by her room and picture finding her. I smell her clothes. Not feedig her in the night and no diaper changes is hard. I dot want to care for my other children because I can't care for her.
Everyone says I must be strong for my boys. I would have never eaten had it my been for them I know they need me. I just don't know how to live without her. I will never see her precious smile again. Or hear her voice.. I am very lost. I just don't know what to do.



i dont know if i reply or edit to post this so.. sorry

i am sorry i have been in a depression. i don't get online. i don't do anything that is not a necessity.

i have been to the counselor once. i haven't been back. she told me during my visit that it was not my fault i am just young..

young? so had i been older it wouldn't have happened? i know she meant nothing by it but it still just hurt.



i never would have knew. blinds are something you grow up with and they're just a common household item.

yes you tie up the drawstrings when baby-proofing.. but the inner cord makes a perfect loop. and who would have ever imagined?

i thought i was a good mom. i am against hitting. i have researched all i can research i thought. i am not for circumcision.

i don't vaccinate.. i thought i was a good mom. now i see i wasn't as good as i thought..



4 months and 2 days since i seen her beautiful smile or heard that's sweet voice.

4 months since i buried my 18 month old babygirl.



i don't have a sense of peace. i thought i would feel she was in heaven and be comforted but i have no such feeling.

maybe it is me? but i look at her pictures and she seems so lost.



i still cry myself to sleep at night. when i wake up and it smacks me in the face..

this must be hell on earth? i spend every moment trying to deal with the pain.

work through it and deal with it so as to confront it and resolve it yet i feel no difference.

sure as the days pass i feel differently but the pain.. every time i cry is still so painful.

oh it hurts physically. i feel like i can honestly cry myself to death never in my life have i felt pain until know. your husband cheating.. losing relatives..

nothing even comes close to the pain i feel the grief.. it is crippling literately and is unimaginable.

i wouldn't wish it on anyone.. yet i can very easily pick another family in walmart taking their child for-granted

or even my own family and friends who seem to be unattached emotionally and say why not them?

why not a family who wouldn't miss their child so much.

i feel like i am losing my mind.

there are mornings i don't want to get up let alone be a mom.

but i always think how everything i do will effect my kids not just physically but emotionally as well as mentally..

so i try to be strong for my boys.. but it is hard i don't want to take them out to play when i cant take her.

it just seems no matter where i am there is always one too few..

and no one understands.. the one person who knows what i feel. who was there when i found her.

who created her with me. seems to be lost as i am and its as though we cant help eachother.

i still have alot of work to do.

but i wanted to reply to let you all know how much your words really do mean at a time i feel i have no one.
Hedgehog Mtn's Avatar Hedgehog Mtn
02:08 PM Liked: 24
#2 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 351
Joined: Jan 2008
Oh mama. I have nothing to say that will makeyou feel better but I do so wish I did greensad.gif

I couldn't read and not post. Hugs.
Katrinaquerida's Avatar Katrinaquerida
03:02 PM Liked: 34
#3 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 131
Joined: Mar 2008

I am so sorry! Please find some support IRL... I cant imagine how you are feeling... hugs!


Scarlettmoon's Avatar Scarlettmoon
03:54 PM Liked: 10
#4 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 21
Joined: Nov 2010

There are no words to convey what I am feeling after reading your post- my heart breaks for you- I'm so very sorry for your loss.  hug.gif


Purple Sage's Avatar Purple Sage
04:50 PM Liked: 34
#5 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 4,001
Joined: Apr 2007

I am so sorry for your loss.


Katielady's Avatar Katielady
04:55 PM Liked: 116
#6 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 2,016
Joined: Nov 2006

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.


liliaceae's Avatar liliaceae
04:58 PM Liked: 60
#7 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 1,946
Joined: May 2007

I am so very sorry, Mama.  Have you been able to see a grief counselor?


northwoods1995's Avatar northwoods1995
05:10 PM Liked: 0
#8 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 1,700
Joined: Nov 2003

I am so very sorry. bawling.gif


~Boudicca~'s Avatar ~Boudicca~
05:18 PM Liked: 46
#9 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 3,557
Joined: Sep 2005

Oh my god mama I am so so sorry.  I can't even imagine how you feel.

 

candle.gif


chrissy's Avatar chrissy
05:22 PM Liked: 17
#10 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 5,644
Joined: Jun 2002

I cannot imagine how you are feeling.  I am so so sorry for your loss.  Losing a child has got to be the single worst thing that could happen to a person.  Do you know if there are any support groups close to you for people who have lost a young child?  I think it might be very good for you to talk to other people who have been in your shoes- who have had their worlds come crashing down and survived.  I will keep you in my prayers.  

 

 

 

 

 


Earthy Birthy's Avatar Earthy Birthy
05:56 PM Liked: 11
#11 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 524
Joined: Sep 2004
My heart goes out to you and all of your family. I am so sorry for your loss. candle.gif
hibana's Avatar hibana
06:29 PM Liked: 10
#12 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 1,582
Joined: Jun 2006

so very sorry, mama. mecry.gif


rik8144's Avatar rik8144
06:33 PM Liked: 10
#13 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 665
Joined: Apr 2007

I am so sorry for your loss. :(


indigosky's Avatar indigosky
06:57 PM Liked: 73
#14 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 511
Joined: Sep 2007

Oh, mama, you are living every parent's nightmare. We all do our best to keep our children safe, but none of us is perfect. Most of the time our children are lucky and manage to survive despite the times we parents turn our backs, misjudge something, overlook a risk. And then occasionally situations like yours happen.

 

It will take many years, but it will get easier for you. Take it one day, one hour, one breath at a time, if needed. Hang in there. Find support and counseling. We are all sending you hugs!


littlecityfarmer's Avatar littlecityfarmer
07:00 PM Liked: 15
#15 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 870
Joined: Apr 2004

My heart goes out to you, AveryLostMommy. Best wishes and healing thoughts to help you through this dark time.


maddymama's Avatar maddymama
08:16 PM Liked: 13
#16 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 1,041
Joined: Jan 2008

Oh Mama!  My heart breaks for you and for your family.  Your baby knows you love her, and knows that you would have helped her if you had known.

I am so sorry to hear your story, and wish I could take some of your pain away. 

I wish you peace,

~maddymama


nola79's Avatar nola79
08:20 PM Liked: 41
#17 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 1,892
Joined: Jun 2009

I am so sad for you, and so very sorry for your loss.  Reading you story just makes me cry. hug.gif


Thyme Mama's Avatar Thyme Mama
10:38 PM Liked: 28
#18 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 473
Joined: Sep 2010

i am so sorry hug.gif


ElliesMomma's Avatar ElliesMomma
10:52 PM Liked: 69
#19 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 2,173
Joined: Sep 2006

i am so sorry, too. i believe there is a national group called Compassionate Friends that helps support anyone who has lost a child. be gentle with yourself.


claireb's Avatar claireb
10:58 PM Liked: 13
#20 of 104
11-20-2010 | Posts: 333
Joined: Apr 2009

Oh my God, I am so very very very sorry for your loss and it just breaks my heart to read your post. :( :( :(

 

One of my twins is dependent on oxygen to survive, and I almost lost him one night when his oxygen ran out without us knowing. When I checked on him, he was blue/grey, but with CPR and rescue breathing, he regained consciousness...but I was so close. We were so close. I know that horrible HORRIBLE HORRIBLE feeling. Oh my God, I'm just so very sorry for you. :(

Please reach out. I know how easy it feels to just let your grief consume you and sink into it...but your sons need you and your husband needs you and it WILL get better.

I will keep you in my prayers. I can't tell you how my heart breaks for what you are living through right now. :(

Claire


Mom2Brendan's Avatar Mom2Brendan
12:00 AM Liked: 10
#21 of 104
11-21-2010 | Posts: 89
Joined: Nov 2010

I am so sorry to hear of your loss it's such a sad thing  a parent has to go through . Many thoughts and prayers to your family to send you some comfort during your grieving .

 

There are some support groups for loss of children maybe you can see if you can find one and are you able to get added help for your boys  since it's hard to move on to just continue after such a unexpected loss.

 

 

 

Due to your loss share with parents about getting things to childproof those blind cords it may help you by helping other parents realize what danger blind cords can actually be by sharing your story .

 

You will be helping protect other family kids by passing that around .


wrafiner's Avatar wrafiner
12:59 AM Liked: 0
#22 of 104
11-21-2010 | Posts: 6
Joined: Nov 2010

I read your post hours ago and bawled me eyes out.  My heart and soul ache for your family right now.  I don't think there is anything that anyone can say to take your pain away, but we all wish that we could!  I agree with pp that said you beautiful little girl knows that you love her and that you would have done anything in your power to keep her safe. This is just such a tragic accident that is so fresh right now.  I know that time will help heal, but please be talking to your husband, your family, your friends, a support group, even a professional, about how you're feeling.  You need support to help you get through this.  You are so young----you don't deserve to live the rest of your life feeling like this. 

 

Please know that you are in my prayers.....Sending so much love your way tonight.

 


momtoS's Avatar momtoS
09:20 AM Liked: 34
#23 of 104
11-21-2010 | Posts: 2,755
Joined: Apr 2006

Oh my. I have no words of wisdom or even words of comfort.....nothing I can say will make it better, (I wish I could) No mom should outlive her child. I hope you have a lot of support. What a tragedy. HUGS.


atnightingale's Avatar atnightingale
09:39 AM Liked: 0
#24 of 104
11-21-2010 | Posts: 127
Joined: Mar 2008

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know how much you must love your little girl.  Please do whatever you need to to get through each day and find some extra support for yourself and your family.  Our prayers are with you.


daisymama12's Avatar daisymama12
09:45 AM Liked: 21
#25 of 104
11-21-2010 | Posts: 724
Joined: Jul 2006

I want to reiterate what a pp'er said, so many of us are just lucky that bad things don't turn worse. This summer a young child drowned in a public pool, with lots of people around - it took so little time. 

Your daughter enjoyed your immense love her whole life.

I'm so so so sorry for you and your family, and my thoughts are with all of you.


SpiritHorse's Avatar SpiritHorse
10:41 PM Liked: 0
#26 of 104
11-21-2010 | Posts: 8
Joined: Nov 2010

As a counsellor, I can tell you something that will actually help with the trauma - EMDR. It is a trauma therapy. A good EMDR therapist can help you deal with the upsetting images and feelings without making you forget...it will just be less upsetting and easier to deal with. It is not that it will solve your grief but it really will make a huge difference, often you see vast improvement in the first few sessions (even the first for some people). You cannot go through what you did and not have trauma - untreated you can expect it to stay with you. EMDR may also help you remember the good things about your daughter when she was alive rather than the images of her after the accident. It will also help you deal with any negative messages you have about yourself in the situation.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. You should be able to find someone through the EMDRIA website (just google it). Other ideas would be finding someone who does Self Regulation Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, or SensoriMotor Psychotherapy. I would advise this after dealing with it via EMDR though. Avoid traditional therapists doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or other talk-based therapies as they can be re-traumatizing and also much longer term therapy. Therapy used to be all about talk but there are now approaches that do much more than cognitively resolving issues.

This is the type of situation in which you should seek help. Certainly also look for peer groups, etc. However an EMDR therapist can really make a huge change in your level of functioning - which of course will help so much with your sons. It will also help you feel less disturbed by the whole thing...which I'm sure is figuring huge right now.

Blessings, Momma. Let me know if you have questions.
 

 


Rach's Avatar Rach
12:03 PM Liked: 10
#27 of 104
11-22-2010 | Posts: 3,414
Joined: Nov 2003

candle.gif I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.


PoppyMama's Avatar PoppyMama
01:42 PM Liked: 72
#28 of 104
11-22-2010 | Posts: 3,126
Joined: Jul 2004

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your family.  :hug


Lucy Alden's Avatar Lucy Alden
02:00 PM Liked: 74
#29 of 104
11-22-2010 | Posts: 395
Joined: Jun 2009

There are no words hug2.gif.  Losing a child is the most profound loss a person can face.  I am so so sorry.

 

I have a friend who's 18 month old daughter died after being accidentally caught in a blind cord.  Only in her case it was at daycare.  My friend and her husband started a non-profit to help change laws and inform people about this danger.  I know everything is still raw but if you'd like a link to their website please PM me.


P.J.'s Avatar P.J.
02:14 PM Liked: 122
#30 of 104
11-22-2010 | Posts: 1,546
Joined: May 2010

hug.gif I am so so sorry. I am in tears and my heart is breaking for you. This is the deepest loss a person can experience in this life, and you are going through your darkest hour right now. I echo the sentiment to seek support. I also think Somatic Experiencing (as mentioned in a PP) could help, as it deals with surviving trauma and helping to regulate your body's response. I would also want to be connecting with other parents who've lost a child. They are the only people who can even begin to understand what you are going through right now. Please reach out for help.This was not your fault. Your angel baby knows you love her and will always be with you in spirit, your souls are intertwined. I don't know what your spiritual leanings are, but I found the book No Death, No Fear by Thich Nahn Hahn to be a good resource when I was grieving. The teachings of Eckhart Tolle also address the spiritual aspects of facing great loss.

 

candle.gif



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