Loss: Alive, but gone from me. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 12-19-2010, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am a mother.  That is what I was put on this earth to be.  I have 3 beautiful children I have given birth to: 5, 3, 10 months old.

 

And then there is one more.  She is 2.5 in two days.  We raised her from the time she was 4 weeks old.  It was through foster care, the child of a childhood best friend of mine.  She was removed @ 4 weeks old and it was supposed to be an immediate termination based on prior cases of the parents.  We were supposed to be able to adopt.  After 2 months of the case, some crazy stuff happened, and the judge decided to "see what happens" and give the parents a chance to fight for their child.  Many more crazy things happened, things that other attorneys have scratched their heads and gone, "Why did they get away with that??", and after a tumultuous case and the change of judicial oversight in the case, her case was quickly ended and she was abruptly sent home the first week of December.

 

Because I sided with the state and kept her accountable and often reported discrepancies I noticed, her mother has banned us from knowing her.  I could argue the details of the case and how she has shown time and time again that she really doesn't care deeply about her child's welfare, but that's neither here nor there.  What really matters is that we traumatically lost our Princess, she has been forbidden from knowing us, and therefore it's like she swiftly died.  All we are left with are scraps of the 2.5 year life she spent with us, the love we feel, the pictures we treasure, the hurt we feel, the dreams we've had to leave behind, and this awful sadness for all she's lost. 

 

I miss her more every day.  I am so devastated and angry and still wish time could rewind.  I accidentally stumbled across a sound byte of her saying "mama" to me on my husband's phone yesterday, and it crumbled me to pieces.  This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  :(


 

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#2 of 29 Old 12-19-2010, 09:37 PM
 
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(((((hugs)))))

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#3 of 29 Old 12-20-2010, 08:25 AM
 
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Hugs and love to you.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#4 of 29 Old 12-20-2010, 08:48 AM
 
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How awful. greensad.gif
((hugs))

Jenna ~ mommy to Sophia Elise idea.gif  (1/06), Oliver Matthew  blahblah.gif (7/07) and Avery Michael fly-by-nursing1.gif(3/10)

 

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#5 of 29 Old 12-20-2010, 07:04 PM
 
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I am so very sorry.
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#6 of 29 Old 12-20-2010, 07:47 PM
 
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Oh my goodness.  That would be absolutely devastating.  And I would bet that many people just don't understand why you're SO upset.

 

I understand, mama.  And I am so, so sorry.


Sleepy mama to Colin Theodore 8-12-08 and Trevor Arthur 7-17-12.

 

 

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#7 of 29 Old 12-30-2010, 11:46 PM
 
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bawling.gif


Melissa Wife To James & Mama to Christopher Michael- 6/03 ,Ella Cheyenne- 10/09 & Xander Ryan James- 9/10 :
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#8 of 29 Old 12-30-2010, 11:54 PM
 
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i'm sorry for you loss. That is an awful tragic thing to have happen to your family


SAHM to D ( 10/06 ) A (10/08) & C (03/11)
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#9 of 29 Old 01-01-2011, 01:04 PM
 
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How absolutely horrible.  I'm so very very sorry for you and your family.  I suffer from infertility and have thought long and hard about fostering.  your horrible story is the biggest reason I have not pursued foster care.  I don't think I would be strong enough to handle attaching to a child and then having that child taken away from me.  I can't imagine the heartbreak you are experiencing.  I truley hope your little one is adjusting to her new home situation OK.  She must be so confused and for her to lose her whole world and everyone she knew loved and cared for her.... there are just no words.


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#10 of 29 Old 01-03-2011, 07:45 AM
 
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Hang in there. The situation will continue to be monitored by case workers and if there is a problem, she will come straight back to you...than request a bonding study to prove that you are this child psychological parent...

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#11 of 29 Old 01-03-2011, 01:51 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this.  Unfortunately I understand your loss (from a sister's perspective) all too well.  My sister was the same age when she was removed from my parents custody.  Sometimes the foster system just sucks.


Cristina, Mama to Michael 03-16-06, Nathan 01-16-11, and an angel 01-20-09,
Go with your gut, follow your heart.
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#12 of 29 Old 03-14-2011, 07:05 AM
 
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Your story put tears in my eyes.  How awful.  I am so very, very sorry about what happened.  bawling.gif


Reneé, 33 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 nocirc.gif and Arianna 9/06 gd.gif angel1.gifangel1.gif (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 blowkiss.gif.  TTC a little rainbow rainbow1284.gifchartnew.gif http://www.FertilityFriend.com/home/4e4ac9 Currently in the 2WW 
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#13 of 29 Old 03-14-2011, 06:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you.  It still hurts so very badly.  The pain seems to have switched from a sharp sting to a dull resounding ache deep in my soul.  I miss her in every little girl I see, every pink outfit I come across, and every piece of her that I find that was left behind.  stillheart.gif


 

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#14 of 29 Old 03-15-2011, 06:10 PM
 
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I cannot imagine how devastating that must have been. I'm so sorry for your loss. hug2.gif


Mama to a preschooler and a baby.

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#15 of 29 Old 03-16-2011, 01:23 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not respond...I am so deeply, incredibly sorry for your loss.


I before E, except after C.  Weird.
DD: 8/2010.
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#16 of 29 Old 03-16-2011, 06:21 PM
 
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I am so sorry. That is heartbreaking. You gave her a beautiful gift in those 2.5 years, that will be with her always, whether she knows it or not. You gave her a loving, stable beginning she will be able to fall back on throughout life. I hope that someday she gets to know you again.

ghannit and hedgehogs4 like this.
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#17 of 29 Old 03-16-2011, 08:50 PM
 
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Oh my goodness. How devastating. I am not familiar with foster care but how can anyone think this is a good thing for the child? No visits at all ever??? What kind of judge ruled that?? I agree with #16 that you gave her the very best gift of all that will help shape her entire life.  Are you allowed to send birthday or holiday cards etc?


"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
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#18 of 29 Old 03-17-2011, 11:31 PM
 
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I am so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss, Thandiwe.

Perpetually TTC #1.  Let's go, Lightning!
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#19 of 29 Old 03-18-2011, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you.  heartbeat.gif


 

joy.gif Wife to  geek.gif,  mama to  reading.gif,   guitar.gif, fly-by-nursing1.gif, and thumbsuck.gif - bonus mommy to  loveeyes.gif!  homebirth.jpghomeschool.gifnovaxnocirc.gif

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#20 of 29 Old 03-18-2011, 04:51 PM
 
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Oh my goodness, how awful. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.


SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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#21 of 29 Old 03-20-2011, 05:19 PM
 
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I am so sorry.  She WILL carry your love always...

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#22 of 29 Old 03-20-2011, 06:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you.  I know she will, deep in her heart.  It's hard being an attached, close family and then not seeing her.  We spent so very much time snuggling and cuddling.  I know it made an impact on her, and I know I'll survive.  My kids miss her.  I really give huge credit to those foster parents who do this over and over again for years on end.  They are really powerful people, heroes in my eyes.


 

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#23 of 29 Old 03-20-2011, 07:07 PM
 
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I am so sorry. The ache you must feel, daily, constantly. mecry.gif


Alicia, wife to an loving and faithful DH, and mama to three fantastic though nutty children (cs, then an HBAC, then a VBAC!!).
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#24 of 29 Old 03-20-2011, 07:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hennaLisa View Post

I am so sorry. That is heartbreaking. You gave her a beautiful gift in those 2.5 years, that will be with her always, whether she knows it or not. You gave her a loving, stable beginning she will be able to fall back on throughout life. I hope that someday she gets to know you again.


My heart is breaking for you and your loss, I'm so sorry and I cannot imagine all that you've been feeling.  This PP said what I feel as well.  Blessings to you, what a wonderful, loving person you are.  She will definitely remember you and your love, even if she was too young to recall you as an individual.  I also hope that someday, if you want, that you two can meet again and share your bond again.  Be sweet with yourself.

 


"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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#25 of 29 Old 03-22-2011, 12:44 PM
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bawling.gif

That is just about the saddest thing I could think of...I am so sorry for you mama...I don't even have words, hold her closely in your heart.

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#26 of 29 Old 04-01-2011, 09:45 PM
 
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It's so sad that she was taken from you, but it's so great that she got to spent those precious years in your care and love. I'm so sorry. I can't even stand to imagine how difficult this would be.


Mother caffix.gif to DD born Jan 2008 and DS born Nov 2011. 

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#27 of 29 Old 04-01-2011, 09:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you.  As time passes, I am starting to see that maybe it will be okay.  No, she won't live the same life I would give her.  And yes, there will be struggles.  She is already at a greater risk of being removed again given the vast history, but her mom is holding it together so far.  The truest sadness that remains now is that which hurts not knowing her.


 

joy.gif Wife to  geek.gif,  mama to  reading.gif,   guitar.gif, fly-by-nursing1.gif, and thumbsuck.gif - bonus mommy to  loveeyes.gif!  homebirth.jpghomeschool.gifnovaxnocirc.gif

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#28 of 29 Old 04-02-2011, 06:07 PM
 
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I'll keep all of you in my thoughts.


 Single mama to two wild and sweet toddlers 2/08
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#29 of 29 Old 04-02-2011, 06:59 PM
 
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Loss takes so many forms.  I am sorry for the stupid things people may say to you (I don't mean on MDC, I mean well-meaning folks you may live near or who may be aware of your situation) that are just so wrong.  You have lost a child and will go through the same grief process as any other mother.  Much love and support to you.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope that, as a PP said, she will be returned to you and also hope for her safety in her current home.  Bless you.


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