I don't know how to handle this situation, please help! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 07-18-2011, 05:37 AM - Thread Starter
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First off I would like to say hello and introduce myself, my name is Kelsey and I am the mother of beautiful baby boy. I am new to this forum and I am in terrible need of advice. My best friend's beautiful healthy 2 month old daughter passed away unexpectedly Friday and we are all devastated. Yesterday was the viewing and it was the hardest day of my 19 years, today is the funeral and I know it's going to be even harder. I love my best friend like a sister and I can't begin to imagine how she feels, especially because my son is only a month older than her daughter and I couldn't imagine life without him. Can anyone please give me advice on anything I can do to help? I know she is overwhelmed by everyone right now so I don't want to suffocate her but once everyone goes home and the shock wears off I know I'll need to be there I just don't know how. I know there is nothing I can say so what do I do? Also how can I ever be around her with my child? I don't want to be a painful reminder of what she lost, especially because we used to joke than my son was going to take her daughter to prom one day. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers

Rest in peace beautiful Payzlee Ann, we love you baby girl <3
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#2 of 7 Old 07-18-2011, 09:34 PM
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Hi...My name is Christine and I had the fortunate experience to hold that beautiful baby girl the day before her death. Her mom and her grandmother were there and we had a wonderful discussion about this precious child.  Payzlee smiled at me and let me hold her.  She even acted like she was going to cry when I gave her back to her mom...her mom laughed and said, "she really likes you." I was absolutely devestated to hear of her passing the following day.  I went to the back room and silently cried for her and her mother and the rest of her family.  I could not imagine what this poor woman is going through.  I ran home and hugged up my two girls and told them that I love them.  They thought I had gone crazy...lol. I want your best friend to know that I am praying for her and her family.


As for your question, that is a tough one.  I would give her the space for now as you had mentioned.  And you are right when the crowd is gone, she will need you.  I do think you need to wait on bringing you child around her for the time being.  The wounds are too raw at the moment.  This is just my opinion.  She will want to see the both of you together at some point but I just think it would be too soon right now. If I was the one going through this, this is what I would want.  But she may different.  You need to play it by ear.  You know her well and know how to read her, go by what you see.  I wish you the best of luck and I pray for you all.

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#3 of 7 Old 07-24-2011, 03:18 AM
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As the mother of a child who died, I can say with clarity- if you are the best friend, I would go to her now, not stay away and "give her space".  I think it is important to show up for her, and let her know you will go whenever she wants.  All she has to do is say the word and you will leave.  This will demonstrate to her that you love her, that you will be there for her in this dark hole, that you will not leave when times get rough.  DO NOT take your child with you though.  Do not talk about your child unless she wants you to.  Do not talk about your breasts filling to feed your child, or anything that will be more painful for her.  DO listen to her as much as she wants, talk about her child, do her laundry, run her errands, make her food, hold her hand, put a note on the door that she is sleeping so she can nap.  Don;t let her get rid of her baby's things right now... some people clean it all out, give it away and regret it for a lifetime later.  There will be time to do that later if she wants, but in the meantime, it can be important for her to go to her baby's things and smell them, cry with them, etc.  Keep some things unwashed so she can smell them (like what baby last wore.)


Just be a presence.  Don't fill space with senseless talking- keep it about her.  But DO SHOW UP.  I think once you have missed some of the journey with her, it is hard to be let in again.  And remember: people who are grieving the death of their child will not be able to tell you what they need often.  IF you just say "Call if you need me" or "Let me know what I can do for you" you are likely to get no response.  All she wants is her child back, and the pain that no one can do that is paralyzing.  I had people come over just to sit by the side of the tub while I bathed, or to take my recycling, or to hold my hand while I cried.  It is a painful time, and difficult to be a friend thru it- but common for friends to disappear during this time and add to the pain.


Hope something here helps.  I am devastated to think of any mother facing such pain.



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#4 of 7 Old 07-24-2011, 07:28 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss (and your friend's loss).  I agree with Ariahsmum - just be there.  When my son died I found out who my friends were - they were the ones who weren't afraid of my tears.  I could talk about him and they wouldn't change the subject or get all weird.  Their eyes would tear up, too, but they didn't look away. 


She needs you.  I know I was in shock for a long time after his death.  I needed my own space but the friends that kept calling and reaching out are the ones I was able to have coffee with when I was ready to go out.  They are the ones who stayed in touch after the first couple of weeks. 


I agree about your own son.  Eventually she will be able to hear about him (this may take years) but don't bring him over with you unless she asks. 


Also, please don't say "I can't imagine what you're going through."   There is a great post on the loss thread about things not to say.  You could probably get some great advice over there as well on what you can do to help.


Your friend will survive this but she has a long, tough road ahead of her.  My heart breaks for her and her family. 

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#5 of 7 Old 07-24-2011, 10:00 PM
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I am sorry that you had gone through this as well.  I could not even imagine the pain that you all are going through. I think what you posted is wonderful advise.  I didn't know how to answer the question well due to the fact that I have not gone through this personally.  I almost had to last year due to a car accident. I am sorry for your loss and again you offered wonderful advise.  God bless you...:).

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#6 of 7 Old 09-13-2011, 11:04 AM
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This is a tough one. Remind her that you are there for her. Encourage her to share her feelings and thoughts with you, a family member or a licensed professional. When times are tough we tend to shut down, but it will be more beneficial for her remain connected and honest with those closest to her. Let her know that she's not alone and that you will help her get through this. One day at a time.


This has to be an extremely tough time right now. I will keep her in my prayers.

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#7 of 7 Old 10-10-2011, 08:33 PM
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As a mother who lost her two year old son in Feb, the best advice i can give you is to be there for her now. When my son passed away, yes I was overwhelmed by people visiting, calling, emailing, texting...But my best friend was by my side the entire time. She even stayed with me for several nights after his passing, took time out of work to be with me to make sure i was eating and was ok. As overwhelmed as I was, I was and am so thankful that she was there when I really needed her most. As for bringing your son around, yes, it will be hard, especially at first, but you have to remember, although she lost her child, i'm sure she loves your too and keeping him away might hurt more than having him in front of her. If you still don't want to risk it, try sitting down with her once she has digested everything and simply ask her how she feels about seeing him and let her know not to feel bad if its too hard for her. The truth is, it never gets easier...8months later and I still have trouble seeing children my son's age sometimes. But other times I'm fine with it. I wish i could be of more help but I'm still working through it as well and this is the best advice I can offer. But the truth is, you are a good friend if you are on here trying to find ways to help your friend. Keep your head up and just remember it may not be what you say to her, that will matter, it could be you just being there that means the most.

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