3 losses in 1 year (1 full-term Baby + grandparents) - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-08-2011, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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(cross posted Preg. & Birth Loss)

 

4 years ago we started trying to make a baby.  After fertility tests (but no intervention) we discovered we had a very minimal chance of succeeding, so we stopped trying.  

 

November of 2010 my much loved grandmother died.  2 weeks later my miracle baby came into existence.  Maybe, "my grandmother pulled some strings" I liked to say.  

 

It was a long and exhausting pregnancy.  I was eating non-stop.  I couldn't seem to get enough protein or any sleep.  My bony self went from 116lbs to 160lbs.  My work week was shortened to about 10 hours.  It was such a hot summer that my regular walks became impossible.  Braxton-Hicks were frequent.   

 

My husband dreamed early on that we had twins on the way.  At 28 weeks my midwife recommended an ultrasound as twins did, indeed, seem like a possibility. The scan showed we had one big healthy baby in the 75th percentile for size.  

 

She would have been born at home, but we had reason to transfer to the hospital, so we did.  They said everything looked good.  I could proceed to birth my Baby, pain-killer free.  No c-section needed.  My birth partners were amazing (husband, sister, & midwife).  Hypnobabies played in the background.  Despite the Hypnobabies there was pain, but with Hypnobabies I managed it.  

 

Perhaps 15 minutes before she was born they lost her strong heartbeat.  I believe they switched to a new monitor.  With her head partially out they said they need to put the electrode monitor on her (this was our only warning). Before the nurse could walk across the room I pushed Baby out.  She never breathed.  They tried to resuscitate her and they did get a heart rate of 30.  We named her in those 22 minutes then asked to hold her so she would die with us.  Of her whole existence only those 22 minutes was she not in my belly or in my arms.  Just before her heart stopped she squeezed my husbands finger.  (Believe it or not, my sister got a stunning picture of this.) I often told Baby that I was looking forward to seeing her daddy hold her, her lifelessness and the anguish on his face was not part of the image I expected.  

 

49 days after she was born I had bleeding and cramping.  I passed what looked like a 5 week old embryo.  There was no possibility of my having become pregnant in those 49 days.  It seems our sweet Baby may actually have had a twin.  

 

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since my daughter died and 2 days since my "dearest darling" grandfather died.  Three dear ones lost in a year.  

 

I am grateful that: the weather is good today; my husband is so strong; and that we have such supportive family and friends.  

I am sad that: our arms are empty: our beautiful Baby Girl is gone; we will never know her favorite color; and that I am posting on Mothering  but I have no Baby.  

 

 


 

8.31.11. - 9.1.11  Mira Joy

My only child after 5 years of trying.    

                                            

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Old 11-09-2011, 06:23 AM
 
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hug.gif

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no words for you, just know that you arent alone and that others are thinking of you and your family.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

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Old 11-09-2011, 10:12 PM
 
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i am so sorry to read your story. that is a lot of loss to bear. i hope that with time you will somehow find some peace and comfort.

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Old 11-12-2011, 05:19 PM
 
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I'm sorry, truly sorry.  I can't imagine your pain.  Hugs!

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Old 11-14-2011, 02:44 PM
 
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How are you doing this week? Are you feeling any better? I hope the funeral was helpful to you hug.gif

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

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Old 11-14-2011, 11:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am still in the South with family.  

 

The funeral was hard.  I felt like I was crying for my daughter and not my grandfather.  

 

Perhaps, I let him go back in May when he went into the hospital on my first, and possibly only, Mother's Day.  If he died while I was pregnant I would miss the funeral because I wouldn't fly, and if he died after Baby was born I would miss it because I wouldn't fly with an infant.  So I never expected to see him again, or to be at his funeral.  Both trips (to see him a few weeks ago, and to the funeral) only happened because she died.  BECAUSE SHE DIED....was the phrase that kept running through my head.  I'm only here because she died.  

 

It's not fair that he gets to be with her before I do.  

 

He was devastated when he heard she left us.  

 

Maybe I can't grieve 2 people so close to me at once.  Maybe his loss will hit at some future date.  

 

My husband & I talk on the phone every night and together light our goodnight candles to her.  They are the candles we had bought from the farmer's market for birthing day ambiance.  

 

Thank you all for your kindness, surely it helps hold us up.  Peace to you too if your heart is sad.  


 

8.31.11. - 9.1.11  Mira Joy

My only child after 5 years of trying.    

                                            

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Old 11-16-2011, 12:12 PM
 
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I wanted to reply to your initial post, but wasn't sure how "valid" my feelings were.  Mine is a different situation, in that I lost 2 friends in a short period.  I know that this is nothing like losing family members, but I just wanted to put my thoughts out there for you.  My best friend died in July 2010 after a month-long illness.  It was relatively sudden and completely heart-breaking.  Another good friend died 6 months later after a years-long battle with cancer.  They were both young women - early 40s and mid 30s.  The point I wanted to make is that I didn't start to grieve my 2nd friend until recently......it was as though I needed a full year to grieve the first friend who died.  So I just wanted to say that if you feel you can't grieve two people at one time, I am guessing that is not unusual.  I think grief can be a very difficult thing and we don't really talk about it a whole lot in our society.

 

I cannot imagine losing three dear people in such a short period of time.  I hope you're able to find some peace and healing with time.

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Old 11-16-2011, 07:49 PM
 
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Oh Kirsten.  I am so very sorry.  It must be hard to breathe at times.  Please know that you are not alone.

 

 

Rest in peace, dear grandmother.

 

Rest in peace, sweet baby girl.

 

Rest in peace, gentle grandfather.

 

 

This is just too much for any one person to have to bear.

 

 

 


Sleepy mama to Colin Theodore 8-12-08 and Trevor Arthur 7-17-12.

 

 

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Old 11-17-2011, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mjo bw crop copy3.jpg

 

Mira Joy O.

8.31.11 

 

Mira - from Miracle

Joy - for my Grandmother Joyce


 

8.31.11. - 9.1.11  Mira Joy

My only child after 5 years of trying.    

                                            

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Old 11-18-2011, 05:40 PM
 
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What a beauty!  She has such a sweet face.  She looks perfect!  Those cheeks!

 

Oh, mama.  I am so, so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for sharing her with us.

 

candle.gif  Mira Joy


Sleepy mama to Colin Theodore 8-12-08 and Trevor Arthur 7-17-12.

 

 

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Old 11-20-2011, 07:04 AM
 
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She is so beautiful. candle.gif

I am incredibly sorry for all the loss you've had to bear in such a short time.
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:17 PM
 
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I am so so sorry for your loss. She is so beautiful and perfect. I know you will forever hold her in your heart, but wish you could have held her in your arms...

 

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Old 11-23-2011, 07:35 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your losses. Your daughter is beautiful and she name is lovely; thank you for sharing her with us. You and your family are in my thoughts.

 

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Old 11-28-2011, 06:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for thinking of us.  

For all of you who have also suffered losses, may you also find comfort.  

 

It's a weird thing this loss.  I don't want to have the hole, the hole that she left, but to not have it means to not have had her.  

And I don't want that either.  

To try so hard to keep your loved one safe and healthy...it feels like failure.  I can't control life, no matter how well I eat, or how relaxed I am.  

I just wish she would have stayed.  

Her whole life was love and good food.  

 

Thanksgiving wasn't so bad...despite being the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's death.  It was just my husband & I, so it didn't seem like a holiday.  Christmas might be a different story.  

 

If you too are sad I hope you find JOY.  


 

8.31.11. - 9.1.11  Mira Joy

My only child after 5 years of trying.    

                                            

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Old 02-03-2012, 06:05 AM
 
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Saying that I am so sorry for your losses seems inadequate, but I am.  I am truly sorry for the pain you have had to endure.  And, I am in awe of the fact that while you grieve you can lift others up in hope. 

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