I am just so Lost. On January 19th, my husband Ronnie took his own life.
He had tried several different times in his life. I just feel so horrible that this time was the last time and I had no idea how depressed he was so fast. I wish I could have just one more talk with him. A do-over of that night. I'm just missing him so bad. I don't know how I can live with this CURSE that he has passed on to me. I'm going to counseling, taking meds, six weeks out, but I'm still sooo sooo hurt there aren't even words. So many things I want to ask him, scream at him, would take back because I just want him to know I love him and I wish I could have taken his pain away. I would do anything if I could have him back again. I'm so bad at him that he wasn't here to hold my hand when I had my surgery. That he wasn't strong enough to LIVE and now I have to live with THIS. You know and he told me "you'll be better off without me" and "I love you but you'll never believe it." My thoughts go around and around in circles and the worst part is I'll never know what he was thinking or atleast not in this lifetime. It's enough to make you crazy it really is. And to see what it's done to his kids, his dad, his sister, my kids, me, even his dog misses him and searches for him at the house. It really just breaks my heart. And I can't stay mad at him long enough to muster my strenght you know? I totally get why he did it to some degree. (What was on his mind/what he was afraid was going to happen to him with his DUI charge.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That is completely awful. Be gentle with yourself and know all feelings are normal and allowed. There is no right way to grieve anyone. You are entitled to all of your feelings.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss.
I can't imagine the kind of pain you are going through. Please try to take care of yourself during this difficult time. On really bad days, just take life15 min at a time. Cry for fifteen min. Do your grocery shopping for fifteen min. Pick up stuff around the house for fifteen min. Shower for fifteen min. It is the mundane details of life that will give you a refuge, bring you back into the present and provide a relief (albeit temporary). This way, you slowly begin to gain control of your grief. Six weeks is still so fresh. Be very gentle with yourself and remember that grief is a process with many twists and turns, none of which are permanent.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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|Grief And Loss|