I don't know if I belong here....not really a loss.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 03-23-2012, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
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I don't know where I belong. I dont fit in in the infertility forum, or the birth loss forum, and I feel kind of lost here.


So I guess Ill just share my story and maybe someone will have some words of wisdom...


DW and I are a blended family, she brought two children and I brought two children into the relationship - we have raised eachothers since infanthood - so we really are both parents to all kids. We want to have one more child to unite and complete our family.


DW will be carrying our baby. I am extatic to have a baby with this woman. But I am grieving completely and fully the loss of never being pregnant again. When I was pregnant with DD#2 I never thought it was my last - ever. I would have enjoyed it more, revelled in it more. We decided that DW will carry because I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the meds that we finally found to work arent completely safe for pregnancy, and we dont want to risk trying something else. Plus, I have endometriosis and have historically had a harder time getting pregnant than DW has.


I so want to be pregnant again. I want to grow and nurture a child in my womb, I want to breastfeed a newborn, I want to feel the hormones. I am aware that pregnancy and birth isnt all sunshine and rainbows - but the bad aspects have never really bothered me. I crave pregnancy, I crave it with every fiber of myself, and now I find that I am grieving that loss - as if its an actual loss.


I know...logically...its not. There was never a baby to grieve, I still will get a baby out of this process. I haven't lost anything but an experience and I feel so silly grieving an experience - not an actual thing. But I cant help but cry when I hear people talk about their pregnancies, I feel so alone when DW tells people we will be having a baby. Very few will see this as my baby, it will always be a fight - and Im okay with fighting. I have no worries that I wont bond with it - I just...I just want someone to feel true excitement with me - that its my pregnancy too...even though I know its not.


Im rambling now. We havent even started actively trying yet - we are trying to find sperm. But..Idk...Im grieving

Lindsay: DS#1 (06/06) DD#1 (09/07) DS#2 (10/08) DD#2 (06/09). AND A BABY DUE NOVEMBER 2013

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#2 of 6 Old 03-24-2012, 01:17 PM
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I can really understand your feelings. I think a lot of women who have chosen, for one reason or another, to not have another child (but still have some longing for another baby) feel a lot of sadness around that.  You *have* lost something in the process--- just because the *big* thing you want (a child) is still going to be there does not mean you haven't lost anything.  Hopefully acknowledging that will help you put that away.


Lastly, I wanted to mention that you would be an excellent candidate for induced lactation (assuming you nursed your other children) IF your medications are safe to take while breastfeeding.  I know that my SIL (who is bi-polar) ended up weaning and one part of that was medication issues.



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#3 of 6 Old 03-27-2012, 07:35 AM
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It is absolutely appropriate to grieve the loss of the experience of pregnancy. 

Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#4 of 6 Old 04-02-2012, 01:19 PM
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I know how you feel. I won't be a mother again. It was dh's choice and I really had no say but to go with it. Dd just asked today, How come I don't have any brother's or sisters? I knew one day that question would come and today it did. The only saving grace is that she has a cousin who won't have any siblings either. In their case the mother doesn't want any more. Oh well... I know there are sadder things in this world. I think of mothers that can't bear any and pacify myself.

Don't imagine the worst incidents in your emotional life -- keep a positive attitude.
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#5 of 6 Old 07-02-2012, 09:52 AM
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I've never given birth so I really don't completely "get" where you're coming from but I have wanted children my entire life and I can definitely understand the wanting aspect of it.  Hang in there...


You could still breastfeed.  Both of you could.  Read up on inducing lactation. smile.gif

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#6 of 6 Old 08-18-2012, 06:00 PM
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I wanted three children, badly. I have two daughters. My husband informed me that he could not live through another pregnancy during the second pregnancy and he got fixed when our youngest was six weeks old. I am grieving the loss of the son I will never have. It's hard. I have dreamed about my son for many years. I miss him. I hated being pregnant and my last delivery almost killed me. I want another baby. I honestly kind of hate babies. I hate having to focus on someone else that much of the day. Drives me batshit. I want another baby. I want my son.


I understand. It's hard.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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