I don't know where I belong. I dont fit in in the infertility forum, or the birth loss forum, and I feel kind of lost here.
So I guess Ill just share my story and maybe someone will have some words of wisdom...
DW and I are a blended family, she brought two children and I brought two children into the relationship - we have raised eachothers since infanthood - so we really are both parents to all kids. We want to have one more child to unite and complete our family.
DW will be carrying our baby. I am extatic to have a baby with this woman. But I am grieving completely and fully the loss of never being pregnant again. When I was pregnant with DD#2 I never thought it was my last - ever. I would have enjoyed it more, revelled in it more. We decided that DW will carry because I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the meds that we finally found to work arent completely safe for pregnancy, and we dont want to risk trying something else. Plus, I have endometriosis and have historically had a harder time getting pregnant than DW has.
I so want to be pregnant again. I want to grow and nurture a child in my womb, I want to breastfeed a newborn, I want to feel the hormones. I am aware that pregnancy and birth isnt all sunshine and rainbows - but the bad aspects have never really bothered me. I crave pregnancy, I crave it with every fiber of myself, and now I find that I am grieving that loss - as if its an actual loss.
I know...logically...its not. There was never a baby to grieve, I still will get a baby out of this process. I haven't lost anything but an experience and I feel so silly grieving an experience - not an actual thing. But I cant help but cry when I hear people talk about their pregnancies, I feel so alone when DW tells people we will be having a baby. Very few will see this as my baby, it will always be a fight - and Im okay with fighting. I have no worries that I wont bond with it - I just...I just want someone to feel true excitement with me - that its my pregnancy too...even though I know its not.
Im rambling now. We havent even started actively trying yet - we are trying to find sperm. But..Idk...Im grieving
Lindsay: DS#1 (06/06) DD#1 (09/07) DS#2 (10/08) DD#2 (06/09). AND A BABY DUE NOVEMBER 2013
I can really understand your feelings. I think a lot of women who have chosen, for one reason or another, to not have another child (but still have some longing for another baby) feel a lot of sadness around that. You *have* lost something in the process--- just because the *big* thing you want (a child) is still going to be there does not mean you haven't lost anything. Hopefully acknowledging that will help you put that away.
Lastly, I wanted to mention that you would be an excellent candidate for induced lactation (assuming you nursed your other children) IF your medications are safe to take while breastfeeding. I know that my SIL (who is bi-polar) ended up weaning and one part of that was medication issues.
It is absolutely appropriate to grieve the loss of the experience of pregnancy.
I know how you feel. I won't be a mother again. It was dh's choice and I really had no say but to go with it. Dd just asked today, How come I don't have any brother's or sisters? I knew one day that question would come and today it did. The only saving grace is that she has a cousin who won't have any siblings either. In their case the mother doesn't want any more. Oh well... I know there are sadder things in this world. I think of mothers that can't bear any and pacify myself.
Let me make sure that my thoughts, words and actions are beneficial to the scene in which I find myself ~ Unknown
I've never given birth so I really don't completely "get" where you're coming from but I have wanted children my entire life and I can definitely understand the wanting aspect of it. Hang in there...
You could still breastfeed. Both of you could. Read up on inducing lactation.
Kris : in love with J , "auntie" to W (6yrs) and Z (4yrs) and "mommy" to Katie
→Waiting to start our own little family after college and marriage←
Back to school May 2013!
Someday it will be my turn:
I wanted three children, badly. I have two daughters. My husband informed me that he could not live through another pregnancy during the second pregnancy and he got fixed when our youngest was six weeks old. I am grieving the loss of the son I will never have. It's hard. I have dreamed about my son for many years. I miss him. I hated being pregnant and my last delivery almost killed me. I want another baby. I honestly kind of hate babies. I hate having to focus on someone else that much of the day. Drives me batshit. I want another baby. I want my son.
I understand. It's hard.
My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.
|Grief And Loss|