My son died in 1997. In 2001 when I was pregnant with DS2, I finally got out all of DS1 pictures and put them in an album. I took a week and a lot of tears but it was very healing. My husband is relocating from overseas back to the US and so packing up the stuff we have there. Today he told me that he took apart the kids photo albums because they were too heavy for the luggage. I was stunned. I just started crying. Then he told me that he hasn't taken apart DS1 yet and would leave it but it was going to cause problems because it is so "heavy" and he has a limited amount of weight in the luggage. Then he lets me know that he had rearranged the pictures a while back anyway because I hadn't put them in "right". He said he made it better because now they are in chronological order.
I didn't get mad or yell or anything but I was so hurt that I started crying again. He says I am overreacting. He says I can just make it again. I don't want to make it again. I wanted the one I already did. I just keep crying on and off everytime I think about it. I thought if I posted here maybe I will be able to move past it. I keep going between being so sad and so angry. He doesn't know how many times today I just wanted to email him and tell him I'm done. Finished. Want out. The main reason I don't is because I have 3 young children that need their father.
I just want to say that this is the time that you need each other the most. When the pain is unbearable, draw in instead of out. I have no idea what other issues you have in your relationship but I do know that with such a huge loss, it is easy to grow bitter against each other and let blame and anger wreck the marriage. I just hope that you reconsider your feelings and try not to direct them at him. He is most likely in a lot of pain as well...and he may not have thought that his actions would bring you pain.
Try to love each other, and support each other. Forgive him and let him be your husband. He is the other half of your children. Take a deep breath and embrace him.
Sorry for your loss. Sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine. I wish peace to come your way.
Joyful mama of 3.
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I am so sorry that you lost your son. That is got to be the hardest thing a person can go through. I can not imagine the pain you must still be feeling.
Just to add another perspective (if I may...), assuming that your husband is the father of your first son, don't those pictures belong to both of you -- which means he has some say in how they are handled? No? I imagine maybe he is dealing with the loss differently? Maybe he thought he was improving the album by making it more chronological? I don't know. I am just hoping by seeing it differently, maybe you can come to the conclusion that his actions may not have been against you. Of course, I could be completely wrong. I just see that in my own marriage, my DH and I sometimes come from radically different places and it is hard to not see the other person;s actions as a slight when all it was is just a different way.
It sounds like he meant well, but he really should have asked you before he re-arranged the photos. Something like this shouldn't end your relationship, though. Is there much more you didn't say in your post?
I'm so sorry about your loss and I'm sorry that your H was insenstive about your photos. I hope you can forgive him and that the two of you can come to an understanding about what you both need from each other right now.
|Grief And Loss|