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#1 of 25 Old 06-05-2012, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's posted in grief and loss, so I think it goes without saying, but just in case *triggers*.

No matter how many cloth diapers you use, no matter how long you breastfeed, no matter how little sunscreen you put on your kid, our actions can only keep us so safe.

It's been repeating in my head over and over again for 2 months: Why didn't I know? How did I not hear? How did I not feel it in my body?
I remember reading something about how when you sleep close to your kids, your heart regulates to theirs and if your child stops breathing in the middle of the night: BAM- you'd wake up. You'd know, your his mother. You have a connection, of course you would "feel" it.
Not true. Bullshit.

Was it the two beers I had at dinner the 4 hours before we all went to bed? Was it the bugspray we used the morning before when the campsite was ridden with mosquitoes? Was it because I had strep b and didnt get enough antibiotics? Was it because I took antibiotics? Was it because of how much time he had spent in his carseat that day because we were traveling? Was it because of the tent, even though we had the moonroof off because I was paranoid about carbon monoxide poisoning? Was it something I ate? Was it all the diet cokes I drank? Was it because I had mentioned in passing to a friend that you can't live in fear that your child is going to die, you've got to give yourself a break every now and again? Was it because I was so cavalier about my parenting that I needed to be taught a lesson? Was it the one vaccine he had? Was it his little cold from last week?
No, no, no, no,no, no,no, and no the autopsy report and coroner assure me. No, it was nothing you did. You couldn't have done anything to assure he would live. Some babies just stop breathing. No reasons at all.

I remember when a friend of my MIL's lost her grandson to SIDS (but what was later found to be pneumonia) while napping in a carseat. My heart broke for them, we had children almost exactly the same age. DH and I can recall exactly what we said when we found out, "I wonder if they breastfed." "I wonder if they were in the same room", "babies shouldnt nap in carseats- that's dangerous", I wonder if he was vaccinated", "I wonder if they smoked or drank.", I wonder, wonder, wonder....
You know, code for "Oh, we do things the right way so this will never happen to us"

And we've all thought it, especially as new parents. Thought that the way we are choosing to parent somehow keeps our children safe, or makes us better parents, or lowers our risks for this or that. And to some extent, it does. To some extent.

But you can wake up in the morning to your worst nightmare coming true. Everything you've ever been anxious about crashing down all at once. The ultimate feeling of failure, and like you have killed your baby because surely, surely, there was something you could have done differently that would have saved his life. I know there wasnt. I know it in my heart, but my brain races so fast trying to think of all the missteps of the days leading up to Charlie's death. And the day goes by in my head over and over again. And none of the attachment parenting I did kept him alive. It's so hard to go back to thinking any of it matters anymore. So hard to care about any of the things I'm supposed to believe in, because no matter what I can't babywear him back to life. I can't assure that this next baby stays alive by breastmilk, cloth diapers, and avoiding dairy. I can't guarantee that something wont happen to DD because I practice gentle discipline or because she eats all organic food. It doesnt work that way. Sometimes, you are dealt the worst hand regardless of how safe you tried to keep them, or how much you tried to do everything "right". So what is the point of all this work if you can't guarantee anything- can't even guarantee that things will be the same in the morning as they are when I go to bed at night?



Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. There is no right thing to say anymore. No right way of doing things. No right way to live. Nothing is right with the world.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

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#2 of 25 Old 06-05-2012, 05:47 PM
 
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Oh mama, you are so right.  Life is sometimes just SO SO unbelievably, horrible and unfair and hard.  It is not fair that you lost your sweet boy.  There is nothing you could have done to save him.  It makes no sense at all. 
 

I think you did all those things, not only because you wanted to keep your son alive, but also because you thought it would make him happier and healthier while he was alive.  And, I believe that is true. 

 

I am so so sorry for your loss.  I wish I could somehow take away some of your pain.


Chrissy, lucky mama to Noah (9), Lilah (6), Rowan (3) and Laney (1).
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#3 of 25 Old 06-05-2012, 07:44 PM
 
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You're living through my worst nightmare, and maybe that's not the right thing to say to a grieving mama, but I can only wish for you peace and strength and clarity as you make your way through the ocean of grief you must be dealing with.  Your choices sound so much like my own, and remind me of a conversation I had with my husband about the big what-if... what if our baby dies while co-sleeping?  His response was what if our baby dies while in a crib - would I have felt like I had done everything I could to keep her safe?  I'm so sorry you didn't wake in the night, perhaps that would have made you feel better, even if the tragic outcome was the same.  I wish you all the best with your rainbow pregnancy and the many, many decisions you'll need to make when your new baby arrives.
 


“A woman in Birth is at once her most powerful, and most vulnerable. But any woman who has birthed unhindered understands that we are stronger than we know.” –Marcie Macari
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#4 of 25 Old 06-05-2012, 08:13 PM
 
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Oh, hon. I think it's normal to question the why's and what if's when you hear about other families losing a child. I'm imagining it's haunting when it's your own sweet baby.

It's frightful that we have so little control, at the end of the day. Plenty of parents make some truly shitty and outright dangerous decisions -- yet their children live to adulthood. You can do everything right and then some, and have your heart shattered to pieces in an instant. It's really not fair. It's not.

The only thing I can say that maybe is helpful is that you loved that little boy for his short precious amount of time on earth. And he loved you, too. The joy he brought you, and you him, are something to be treasured.

ribboncesarean.gif cesareans happen.
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#5 of 25 Old 06-05-2012, 09:40 PM
 
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I can not imagine the pain you are going through right now.  I hope you are surrounded by love and support and good listeners as you go through this.  

 

Have you seen this Joe Biden speech where he mentions the death of his wife and daughter?  I thought it rang true and wanted to share

it.  

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsoLLNvsor8&feature=related

 

Wishing you all the strength in the world to go through this very difficult time.

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#6 of 25 Old 06-06-2012, 03:26 AM
 
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hug2.gif I wish I could be there to wrap my real, physical arms around you while you just fall apart. My heart is aching and breaking for you. I think about you every day.

 

I would never pretend to be able to fathom what you are going through. I have not lost a child. I have, however lost two people very close to me who both died suddenly and in their young adulthood. I have found that the only way I could make sense of any of it (and I was deeply involved in their lives and also kept asking myself "what if I had just...?") was by taking a spiritual perspective. Some books that helped me were  No Death No Fear  by Thich Naht Hahn, and The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. The work of Eckhart Tolle is also very useful in grappling with major loss, which he addresses quite a bit. The last chapter in The Power of Now deals directly with this topic. He also speaks a lot about getting through massive catastrophes and loss. Here is one very beautiful video I just found called Death and The Eternal, in which he discusses the kind of thing you were talking about in your OP here.

Major major loss like you are experiencing can be a portal into spiritual transformation. I do not mean to belittle your pain because that is part of it. I can only speak from my own experience of deep loss, that I would not have come to my own spiritual path (which is the central focus of my entire life) had I not lost those two dear friends. Again, not to compare because if my baby died I may well kill myself I have NO idea or assumption about how I would be in that situation. I can only share what I have learned and maybe it will help you in some way. Maybe not, feel free to ignore.

 

More than anything I want to say that you are in my heart and thoughts right now. I hurt for you and am sending you love and strength.


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Multicultural living in Europe
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#7 of 25 Old 06-06-2012, 05:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies. Yesterday was a bad day. It goes back and forth day to day, with no real reason, and triggers all over the place. My therapist had me reading this book by Joan Didian The Year of Magical Thinking which is about a woman who lost her husband to an unexpected heart attack. Within the first two chapters she details her husbands autopsy and describes the doctors peeling back his face. Stupid therapist. Why the hell would you suggest a grieving mother read that book? Especially a mother whose baby was taken, and had no say over the fact that doctors were cutting his little body open. I hate her for being so insensitive and stupid. Nevermind that she told me it was a bad idea to get pregnant again (she didnt know Id already gotten a positive test). I'm not returning.

While what I wrote was because I was having a bad day, I do still think that way. I that many of us, myself as the #1, tell ourselves that somehow our actions in parenting are the "right" ones and it is like a PP said above when asking her DH if her kid died while co sleeping would she feel bad. And he responded, "what if she died in a crib." No matter what we do, sometimes there is no way to make things perfect. No way to guarantee anything. Does it mean I will stop being an attachment parent? no. Does it mean that I will take almost eveything I do way less serioiusly and stop acting as if my personal parenting desicions are the end all be all of life? yes. Because at the end of the day, it doesnt really matter if you use disposable diapers and feed your kid formula. Not that it's a plan of mine to do either, but you know what I'm saying. There are way more important things in the world to dedicate all of my time to besides worrying that someone isnt breastfeeding.
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Originally Posted by P.J. View Post

. Again, not to compare because if my baby died I may well kill myself I have NO idea or assumption about how I would be in that situation.

And you may well. There were nights in those first few weeks that I drank 4 shots of bourbon in a row just so I would pass out and not wake up until the morning because I knew if I woke in the middle of the night and my baby wasnt there I would do something I didnt want to do.Thank god we were staying with my parents so that DD had a safe environment to be in. I didnt want to be a coward- I have another kid and a husband to take care of- but I was crazy. Crazy, crazy. Not like ,"Oh, Im so crazy" but crazy like "I wonder if Im really here right now, or if Im on some drugs in a hospital somewhere and Im hallucinating all of this", crazy like wanting to steal babies from the grocery store (sooo, glad I didnt do that.). Crazy like visualizing myself dead or how I could kill myself multiple times a day, and getting lost walking in the neighborhood I lived in for 8 years, and thinking that my food was made of bugs, and walking around running into walls because visually I was somewhere else entirely, and wanting to dig my baby up out of the ground with my fingers, and feeling like I was in a movie all day everyday. Sometimes I would even think to myself, "that poor girl, I dont know what I would do if something happened to one of my kids." And sometimes it took me 20-30 minutes of thinking that way before realizing that it was my kid. Crazy.

And then one day, I woke up and was ok. Not great, not happy, but ok. I realized that I would live through this, that I would move on from this, that it wouldnt be the rest of my existence- that the pain could become more distant. Dont get me wrong, Im still crazy. Just more in the "Oh, Im crazy" not the "I want to steal this baby because the mom left her cart in one aisle and walked over to another aisle and here baby is crying" kind of way. I'm better than I was before.

I've had a song in my head for over a month- when Charlie was born this song was playing on the ipod:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbA5vktKAYI

And that chorus line:
Everyone gets to make one big mistake
And if your waiting on me well I guess your gonna have to wait
Cause Im savin mine up for a very very special day
When I can f*ck it all up in the most spectacular way

And I know there was nothing we could have done, but I still feel like I f*ed up about as big as you can.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

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#8 of 25 Old 06-06-2012, 07:20 AM
 
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hug2.gif  i am so deeply happy that you feel as though you are emerging from the despair somewhat.  i know that i felt the "crazy" with the m/cs i had, i can only imagine how hard your grieving must be. 

it is, i think, human nature to replay all the possible ways to prevent tragedy.  there's not usually a rhyme or reason for it.  bad things, terrible things, happen to good people.  and you are a good mama. 

i really want to let you know, too, that i appreciate your ability to talk about it.  how very REAL you are, i think your writing may reach and help some suffering folks to not feel so alone.  you make me feel hopeful through your words.

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Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

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#9 of 25 Old 06-07-2012, 05:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Hildare. It helps to write about it. I can't talk about how I feel out loud a lot because so many people are worried about me, and I have just now gotten to the point where my family is allowing me to be alone in a house with no supervision.

I hope my writing helps others, I'm thinking of starting a blog, but I'd like it to be about how to heal, not wallowing in grief. So many of the support groups I've been to and the other moms Ive met arent healing. It's hard to look at people who lost a kid 10 years ago and are still going through everyday life with more heaviness than I have right now. Who knows, maybe it will come back to me, maybe Im not out of the woods, but when I was going to support groups I would have loved to have someone be there who could say, "Some if this will pass, you wont feel insane forever."

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

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#10 of 25 Old 06-07-2012, 06:48 AM
 
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i, too, appreciate your openness. i have never been where you are. when i was little, maybe around 6, my grandmother was at my house and i was on her lap. somehow whatever we were talking about led to her telling me about the son she had who died as a baby. we both cried a little. he comes up occasionally, it is not a taboo subject. besides an aunt who died with her children in a fire, i do not know of anyone else in my family who lost a child. i can't imagine carrying on with life, even with other children. this must be the hardest thing on earth to get through.


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

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#11 of 25 Old 06-07-2012, 07:12 AM
 
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AM- I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Please keep writing- your strength shines through and I'm sure there are other grieving mothers out there who are helped by your amazing insights.
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#12 of 25 Old 06-07-2012, 08:04 AM
 
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I am so very sorry for your loss. hug2.gif

 

I also wanted to mention that there is a selection bias in support groups. The people who moved on and don't need them aren't there. The ones who are are the ones (minority?) who have not been able to move on. That may be evident to you, but I wanted to say it just in case. I have never been where you are but I lost a brother to stillbirth, and my mother is able to talk about it without the pain it had held. I grew up knowing about him, and as an adult I have discussed it with her, most recently during my pregnancy to my now 2 month old daughter. She grieved, as you are now. She questioned what she could have done differently to prevent it. But she also healed. I hope that you are also able to heal and find peace. I just wanted you to know that it is possible.

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#13 of 25 Old 06-08-2012, 10:09 PM
 
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Keep writing mama, we're here and listening.  I wish I could take all of this away for you.  hug2.gif
 

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#14 of 25 Old 06-09-2012, 12:38 AM
 
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I'm not going to even try to compare our losses. But a dear friend of mine call the suicidal thought the Semi Effect. The Idea of what if you just turned into on comming traffic and hit the semi passing by. I remember when she said that how much it resembled my own feelings at times. I'm so ssorry mama. I think about you all of the time.

I'm not religious. I don't pray. But for you is the closest ive gotten to it.

Its normal to replay what could have been. Its like a pendulum that wont stop swinging from one thing to the next. I still do it almost three years later.

I just want you to know that over here we are sending you love for you your family and sweet son.


I tried counselling after our son (miscarriage at 18 weeks) talk about a joke. The woman was terrible. I couldn't believe the Crap that came out of her mouth. Its hard to find a good grief counselor
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#15 of 25 Old 06-09-2012, 05:09 AM
 
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I'm going to second what Wildkingdom has said.  I've read everything you've put out for us.  And I really appreciate you saying what you're saying.  I hate that you are in so much pain and I'm constantly thinking about you and always hoping for the best for you and your family.  You're a strong woman.  Stronger than most I imagine. 

 

Again, thank you for sharing. 

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#16 of 25 Old 06-18-2012, 12:21 PM
 
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Your words mean a lot to me...as someone who over-analyzes so many parenting decisions, it's not about bf or co-sleeping or whatever..although I believe very much in ap. It is in making sure you make your kids feel loved and spend time together...and your sweet little angel Charlie knew he was loved...I'm sure of it. 

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#17 of 25 Old 06-26-2012, 02:40 PM
 
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Hi AdasMom.
 
I went to look at the Father's Day contest winners (torturing myself) and I saw your name...and I ended up at your blog.
 
I know you from a the TTC thread you have recently (happily) been able to leave....congratulations again! I'm glad the new bra won't fit you for long. 
 
It's heartbreaking to lose a little one. I lost my only baby almost 10 months ago. 
 
You had him for 75 days plus 9 months. I'm sorry he isn't still here. 
 
Anyways. Just thought I'd say hi. Your blog background is fun...I love dandelion puffs. 
 
As to what you have posted here....I wondered if we reversed time and tweaked one thing could we fix it? Keep her? I ate only farm food, avoided all medicine...maybe I shouldn't have...
 
I hope all is going well with your new bean. How are you holding up? 

 

8.31.11. - 9.1.11  Mira Joy

My only child after 5 years of trying.    

                                            

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#18 of 25 Old 07-05-2012, 10:11 PM
 
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I did not lose a baby, but I lost my mother last September for no apparent reason.  She was 56 and just collapsed.  The autopsy (that I had to fight and beg for) said she had an enlarged heart, but that she didn't have a heart attack, an aneurysm, a stroke, a blood clot, nothing.  She just died.  

 

It's not the same thing at all, but I still have frequent feelings of being convinced that DH or DD is going to just drop dead for no reason.  I worry about it and sometimes I am resigned to the fact that it is going to happen, I am convinced of it.  

 

I too read the Year of Magical Thinking and I liked it better than you did, I think perhaps your therapist didn't think through the recommendation, I totally get why you were not a fan. I'm seeing a therapist and it's getting better and I just have to believe it will for your too.  

 

The other thing we have in common is that we both got pregnant shortly after our losses.  Again, not trying to compare, there is no comparison, but I worried that people would not approve of me entering into something that would be so emotionally and physically taxing at a time that my life had been dumped into a vortex of chaos. But no one said anything negative at all - everyone was really encouraging and as it turned out, this pregnancy has been healing and I am so very much looking forward to welcoming my new baby girl next month.  I think your pregnancy will be healing for you too.  Painful at times, yes, but healing and incredibly joyful too. 

 

I think of you often.


Happy fly-by-nursing1.giffamilybed2.giffemalesling.GIF, delayed/selective vaxxing, WOHM to DD1 4/10 diaper.gif, DD2 8/12 babygirl.gif and partner/wife for thirteen years to SAHD DHsuperhero.gif.  

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#19 of 25 Old 07-06-2012, 07:39 PM
 
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Holly, I lost my 2 1/2 year old in January suddenly as well, and I can completely relate to everything you wrote.  Did you stop seeing that therapist?  I hope so. I cannot believe that she would reccomend that book to you!  Seriously.  Wow.  No matter what we do or don't do as parents, life is so unpredictable and can change in the blink of an eye.  My son was born with a congenital heart defect and had open heart surgery to fix it on his first birthday.  Almost 15 months after his surgery, and months of being told that his heart was "good as new", I finally decided one night to take a deep breath and finally let go of the fear that he wouldn't be okay.  I finally decided not to live my life in fear and trust what his cardiologist had been telling me for the last year, that he was perfectly healthy!

 

 Then, one day I got a call at work telling me that Evan went into sudden cardiac arrest at the park while playing with his daddy and sisters.  The cardiac arrest was  not related to his heart surgery or CHD's in any way.  They think he had a genetic heart arythmia disorder called Long QT Syndrome.  How is it that my heart baby could have ANOTHER heart condition that was never caught in all the many appointments he had to check his heart?!  Why is it that the moment, almost to the day, that I decided not to live life in fear of losing him - that I actually DID lose him?  I guess we will never know the answers to these questions, but I also hope in time that they become a little less piercing.  It's so hard not to question and blame ourselves, but in all actuality we know there wasn't anything we could do to save our babies.  I'm sorry you lost your sweet Charlie.  I hate that there are so many of us going through this.  I really do.  :(  Hugs Mama!


belly.gifMandy Mom to Hayden (9),  Ellie (7),  Jordyn (4),  Evan (10/07/09 - 01/11/12),  

and our rainbow1284.gif baby due January 29th!  

 

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#20 of 25 Old 07-08-2012, 08:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Holly, I lost my 2 1/2 year old in January suddenly as well, and I can completely relate to everything you wrote.  Did you stop seeing that therapist?  I hope so. I cannot believe that she would reccomend that book to you!  Seriously.  Wow.  No matter what we do or don't do as parents, life is so unpredictable and can change in the blink of an eye.  My son was born with a congenital heart defect and had open heart surgery to fix it on his first birthday.  Almost 15 months after his surgery, and months of being told that his heart was "good as new", I finally decided one night to take a deep breath and finally let go of the fear that he wouldn't be okay.  I finally decided not to live my life in fear and trust what his cardiologist had been telling me for the last year, that he was perfectly healthy!

 Then, one day I got a call at work telling me that Evan went into sudden cardiac arrest at the park while playing with his daddy and sisters.  The cardiac arrest was  not related to his heart surgery or CHD's in any way.  They think he had a genetic heart arythmia disorder called Long QT Syndrome.  How is it that my heart baby could have ANOTHER heart condition that was never caught in all the many appointments he had to check his heart?!  Why is it that the moment, almost to the day, that I decided not to live life in fear of losing him - that I actually DID lose him?  I guess we will never know the answers to these questions, but I also hope in time that they become a little less piercing.  It's so hard not to question and blame ourselves, but in all actuality we know there wasn't anything we could do to save our babies.  I'm sorry you lost your sweet Charlie.  I hate that there are so many of us going through this.  I really do.  greensad.gif  Hugs Mama!

Thanks Mandy and hug.gif I've been reading your blog. I am so, so sorry. I know every loss is different for everyone, but I can. not. imagine losing my 2 year old. Charlie was hard, but gosh, Adaline has so much personality, favorite toys, and so so many memories. I think it would be so much harder for me. I have stopped seeing the therapist. I'm writing, and that is helping a lot. Also, life has gotten really busy and I'm expecting again so things are just moving so fast. I still miss him so, so much but my life is moving forward.


Thanks to everyone. I haven't come back here to read a lot. It's often hard for me to read these threads and remember how I felt when I wrote them. Some days I still feel that way, some days I feel like it was a completely different person who wrote it. Life has been crazy. Im occupied with new carseats, a new car, twin beds, twin nursing, twin clothes, twin everything! It's easy to be distracted right now and I think that I need a little of that for the time being.

KristenO- Thank you for the compliments about my blog, Im actually planning to change it all up soon, but Im glad you like it.

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Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

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#21 of 25 Old 07-13-2012, 06:39 PM
 
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I am sorry that you lost Charlie to SIDS. I lost my four month old dd to SIDS in 2004. I was completely devastated and like you went over every single detail, even the natural mosquito repellant. There are no words that I can offer that will help:(, somehow we just find it in ourselves to keep going. I miss my daughter eight years later, but the pain has softened. I gave birth to another beautiful girl in '05, got pregnant four months after Ava died and I have never. Regretted that. It's very exciting you're preggo with twins. I am pregnant and due in Jan., i'm nervous. Are you? I used an apnea monitor with my dd and it helped me at least get some sleep. Just know you are not alone and there are others that have made their way through the grief.
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#22 of 25 Old 07-14-2012, 06:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much. I have considered an apnea monitor, did that work out well for you?

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

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#23 of 25 Old 07-14-2012, 08:00 PM
 
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Holly, I have heard a lot of people say that they had bad experiences with the apnea monitor, but I was super glad to have it. I only had a few false alarms in the eight months we used it
Our insurance paid for it for six months and we self paid after that, it was ridiculously expensive but I just was not ready to give it up. I want o use one for my new LO.
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#24 of 25 Old 07-14-2012, 08:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, Im pretty sure we are going to get one at least for the first 6 months. I'm also looking into getting two Snuza Halo monitors, because I can use those anywhere. If they are in their strollers, in the car, naps at someone elses house, ect. I honestly cant imagine any time that Im going to be comfortable with them sleeping and not being monitored. But...there is still a good 6 months between today and their birth, so I may be singing a different tune by then. But Im not planning for that smile.gif

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

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#25 of 25 Old 07-15-2012, 05:41 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Although I don't know you personally, I have read a few of your posts about Charlie and can feel the light and joy he brought to this world. He will be remembered by so many, including people like me who did not get to meet him.

 

I'm sending much love and support to you and many congratulations on your twin pregnancy.


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