This is a post that no one ever wants to write.
I conceived our third baby late May/early June. DH and I were so excited. We have never had the easiest time conceiving our babies: while we never had to use any type of reproductive therapy, it has taken us over a year each time to get pregnant. So this time around, after almost 14 months of TTC, we were so greatful, as this would probably be our last child due to both our ages, and history related to getting pregnant.
Everything seemed fine. I got all of my usual symptoms, exactly the same as the last two babies. There was never any indication that anything might be wrong. Everything felt "right." My first prenatal appt. was scheduled for Aug. 13. As we inched along toward the twelve week mark, I became complacent. DH and I decided not to tell anyone except our parents about this baby, so no one, not even our siblings or extended family knew we were expecting. I remember on Friday this past week thinking, only two weeks and a couple days until I can let eveyone know. It is very difficult to keep this a secrect, so I can't wait for the next weeks to go by.
Then, Saturday, I noticed some spotting. My heart stopped for just a second, but I calmed down and just told myself this could be some freak thing. I did my best to take it easy the rest of the day. The spotting went away. Then very early Sunday, I get up to go to the bathroom. The bleeding comes back, much faster this time. I begin to feel the cramping, and the backache. It doesn't let up, and I keep passing large clots, the pain gets more intense. I know I am losing this baby, and nothing can be done to stop it. I can the ER and ask what to do. They say I should come in if the bleeding gets worse, or I have a fever, or if the pain gets really bad and/or I feel faint. I decide to wait until Monday to call my Dr.
I go in Monday moring, and the lab test confirm what I already knew...HCG levels are low for ten weeks, just below 2000. I am told to go home and rest, come back if the bleeding gets any worse or I develop a fever, and we'll retest the HCG levels again on Wed. On Wed. the levels are down to half of what they were on Mon.
The physical pain is bad, but it's bearable. It's the emotional pain and grief that is getting to me. Seeing or hearing anything related to pregnancy or babies makes me cry. Just sitting and letting myself think about what's happening makes me cry. I took the week off of work and sent my kids to the babysitter anyway b/c I don't have the energy to deal with them right now. I am afraid to tell anyone about what happened b/c of the insensitive comments that otherwise well-meaning people say regarding miscarriage:
"It's for the best." How can losing a child that I very much wanted possibly be for the best of anything?
"Well, this is better, because there was probably something wrong with it." That may be true, but it does NOT make me feel any better to hear you say that.
"You can always have another one." No, we don't know that for sure. DH and I are not the most fertile people in the world. It takes us a long time to get pregnant. Given our ages and everything else, maybe we can't have another baby. Besides, we wanted THIS baby.
I feel so alone, like I have to go through this all by myself. Our baby may have only been in existance for a very short time, but he/she was very much loved and wanted from the time when we first knew of his/her existance.
come on over to pregnancy and birth loss if you aren't there!
I lost my baby 11 weeks in, that was two months ago.
I am doing much better but I still cry almost every day.
It really helps to talk to women going through it when you are there and to tell you what the future will be like.
I cry but its not the curl into a ball and bawl type anymore.
8 might be enough?
Or maybe 9 will be?
EDD September 18, 2015
|Grief And Loss|