I'm so sorry you're going through this!
The reasons I see to not ask your mom to watch your daughter so you can have some private time with your Gran Pop are about your mom, not your daughter. Is this your mother's father? How is she doing? Does she need emotional support and private time with her dad right now? Would it be better to find another sitter? (But then I see this is your husband's grandfather, so maybe she's clear? If she's not involved in the same grieving process that you are, a day with grandma sounds fab for your daughter.)
It is not "alienating your daughter" from this to arrange some private time for you and your grandfather, or even some time when you can really focus on being with him, knowing that your daughter is being safely cared for and reasonably entertained elsewhere. Being in a hospital or hospice room with a small child can be an adventure. They want explanations of everything, and there are a million things they could touch and cause problems with. Your DD can't help but be distracting, and it might really comfort you later to know that you had some undistracted minutes to connect.
The hospital should have some resources about talking about death and dying to small children, and if you step out of the room and ask a nurse, they will probably snow you under with pamphlets. There may even be a family resource center. Take advantage.
The explanation I've most often heard offered to use with preschoolers is very basic and literal. <Person> is sick, and the doctors have done all they can to help, but <person's> body is not going to work much longer, and that means that they are going to die. Dying is when your body stops working. People don't come back from dying, and you're sad because you love your Gran Pop and you are going to miss him. You want to spend as much time with him as you can, and make sure that you've had a chance to hear anything he wants to say to you, and that you've said all the things you want him to know, like how much you love him.
This is a rough time. I am so sorry.
once i get to the hosp later i will check for resources thanks so much
I tried talking to her and when I told her he was going to die, she understood dive and she asked me when is he going to dive in the water?? And I laugh and cry. And just told her he is going away. The hospice had a kids corner and she love it and didnt pay any attention to us.
That gave us time to share with grampa.
We agreed that we will explain and leave her with time and space and observe, if she has questions then we will answer them.
I had some talk with the counselor at the hospice and that helped a lot too.
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