I'm just going to put this out there. I've been married almost 10 years and we've never been pregnant. During that time I have tried all kinds of natural treatments for my various conditions. I can feel myself getting healthier all the time but still there are no babies for us. I feel very strongly that I do not want to pursue a more medicinal approach to fertility treatments - I really want to be healthy enough to conceive not just able to...if that makes any sense. I've drastically changed my diet and fitness levels. I am struggling most with feeling cheated. I have loved as my own 4 children that were abandoned by their birth mother and I'm so completely grateful for them each, they are enough rationally...but emotionally I just have moments when I feel like there's a hole in my heart, a missing child. I cry and pray and try to be brave about it, but it just hits like a ton of bricks when I genuinely think I might be pregnant and find that I'm not. Sometimes recovery is quick and I'm fine in just a few minutes. Sometimes I actually feel like a baby has been taken from me and I can't hold back the tears. I'm in a constant state of mourning. The stages of grief are cycling through me on a daily basis and I'm just tired of it. I really feel like I should be over it by now, but I don't think I'll ever be. My loving husband has no idea why this is an issue, he tries so hard to be helpful and kind but a shattering blow to my heart just bounces off him. He would like more because I would and that's very sweet of him but I feel very alone in my sorrow. And to top it all I became a doula back when I thought for sure I would be pregnant any day. I've been a doula for 7 years now and I love it so very much. I've had moments when I was jealous of clients but mostly I just hate the way my brain is forced to constantly think about pregnancy and birth. I know too much about it to just turn it off. I have tried. I quit more than once thinking it would ease the pain but it actually causes me to dwell too much on myself. At least as a doula I'm a constant blessing and can help others in a real way. So, here I am - the brunt of my own bad joke it seems. And some days it is such a struggle. Other months can go by easily and with seemingly little pain and then I'm hit again with that feeling of loss and a deep grief for no apparent reason. Thanks for listening. I'm really not looking for advice here, just needed to say this and I don't want to get into it with family or friends right now. I just feel like I can't go on grieving all the time but I can't just not care either.
hugs momma i can say one thing you might not have had your kids by birth but your still a good momma to the ones you have and there yours stay strong
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine being a doula and longing so badly for my own baby.
Have you considered posting this in the Trying to Conceive forum? You may find more women who are going through similar there.
Best of luck in getting pregnant. FWIW, I'm always surprised how many stories I've heard of couples who tried desperately for many many years, and finally gave up and lo and behold they did eventually get pregnant, after having let it go. Miracles do happen.
Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
When my husband and I decided to start our family, we decided that if we did not conceive, we would not do anything extraordinary, we would just be everyone's crazy aunt and uncle. I can relate to that part of your post.
|Grief And Loss|