Processing changes in our family plans - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 03-05-2014, 02:17 PM - Thread Starter
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I really don't know if this is the best forum for this, so if anyone else has a better idea of where this should go, I'm open to suggestions! My problem seems very small compared to most in this forum, but it is a real point of sadness for me.


I grew up in a family of five, and always expected I would have a "big" family. (Though I really never considered my own family "big".) In talking to dh before getting married, I told him I thought I'd like 4-6 kids. Honestly, having just one kid seems pretty crazy to me - after ds was born, I wondered how ANYONE ever had more than one kid, let alone 5 in 8 years, like my mom. (And I grew up knowing literally hundreds of families like my own.) But I have learned that, hard though one is to manage, I can do it, and I could probably do more.


However, I'm now pregnant with our second, and, just like with ds, I feel sick a LOT. To the point where caring adequately for ds (18 months) has become very difficult on some days. I really hoped that ds's pregnancy was just a fluke, but it seems that my body doesn't take well to pregnancy. I cannot see putting myself and my family through another pregnancy. It's just too hard on everyone. dh admitted to me a few months back that when I was pregnant with ds, he used to go in the bathroom and cry because it was so hard for him to see me feel so bad.


I know that I don't have to make any final decisions now, and won't make any without a good deal of discussion with dh and prayer and contemplation, but I'm wanting to make as much peace with this as I can for now. I feel so alone - I don't know of anyone I know who has stopped having kids because it was just too hard on them, whereas I DO know people who have pushed through hyperemesis (which is worse than what I have) to have 3 or 4 or 5 kids. And it makes me feel like I'm selfish, or weak.


Anyway, any thoughts or commiseration appreciated. :)

Monkey (31) + Pirate (28) = a forever family (5/10) - Baby Bird (8/12), our long-awaited first, one (9/13 @ 7w 6d), and Baby Yummy (10/6/14)

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#2 of 9 Old 03-05-2014, 08:40 PM
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I wanted to stop by an give you a hug and have no advice monkey.
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#3 of 9 Old 03-06-2014, 07:13 AM - Thread Starter
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Thanks, Tracy. I appreciate it. smile.gif

Monkey (31) + Pirate (28) = a forever family (5/10) - Baby Bird (8/12), our long-awaited first, one (9/13 @ 7w 6d), and Baby Yummy (10/6/14)

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#4 of 9 Old 03-07-2014, 03:17 PM
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Hi Monkeyscience,


I too am coming to terms with the fact that two is going to be it for us. It is hard, because my body wants to birth and nurse another baby, but our family decided to stop on two due to philosophical reasons. It is very clear now that our planet is grossly overpopulated as is and that this will be the #1 reason our kids and grandkids will have a much worse quality of life (if at all). The hard core truth (which of course does not make it much easier to process the fact of not having another child on the emotional level) is that the world does not need any more babies, that resources consumed by each additional person will significantly compromise the future of our existing children and the future generations. So no matter how hard my body and mind is longing for another baby, I have to remind myself that protecting my existing kids' future is something that I, as their mother, owe to my kids. That if we want to have a chance at reversing the looming ecological disaster, we all must adopt a two child per family mentality and if a family wants more it should be done through adoption. There are so many kids in this world who are already here, and they are lonely, sad, scared and in a desperate need of a family and loving stable home. This is just my 2 cents. Hopefully, it will help--at least on a logical level--to process the dilemma you have in your mind. So no, if you do not have another biological child, you are not selfish, you are very much selfless!

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#5 of 9 Old 03-12-2014, 10:18 AM
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My heart goes out to you! I'm so sorry you and your family experiences such difficulty during your pregnancies.


It is definitely an understandable feeling of loss when you have to change your plans for a family. In a sense you have lost these babies that you always thought you'd have. When someone has lost a loved one, there's another type of loss called secondary loss that is just as valid, and it touches on what you are experiencing (even though yours comes without the loss of a loved one). Secondary loss is the loss of all of those plans and expectations you've had with a person who has died. It is very painful, and just as valid of a source of grief.

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#6 of 9 Old 04-12-2014, 08:43 PM
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I understand.  When M. and I first married we talked about having a large family.  Antonin came in 2004, then Arianna in 2006.  Then I lost twins in 2008. We agreed that we'd try again after I had a few months to rebuild my health.  When I felt ready to try in 2009, he decided that we were finished having kids.  That became a huge source of conflict in our marriage for years because of the way he made the decision without consulting me at all.  I thought about leaving him often.  Things are looking up now.  He got a new job with a significant pay increase (though his old job paid fine, so not I'm not complaining), we moved to a new area that's closer to his family, and we recently decided to start TTC again.  But yeah, I went through all kinds of emotions during those 5 years where he refused to add to our family and it was hard.  I often felt angry and betrayed because of my plans being changed like that.  :Hug It really does suck.   

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06 . (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 . Expecting another sweet little baby April 2015.
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#7 of 9 Old 04-13-2014, 12:03 PM
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I understand where you're coming from. I'm the oldest of five and my husband is the oldest of six. We'd always talked of having six or seven kids. Five at the very least. And then we had our daughter (now 14 months old), who is the light of my life but who also is classically "high needs" (Sears definition) and has allergies/GI issues that cause her to sleep very poorly. We haven't slept in 14 months! The lack of sleep and stress of having a high needs baby with little support (husband is in medical school, all our family/friends live 2000 miles away) sent me into a depression that I'm just now climbing out of with the help of CBT and meds.

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm mentally or emotionally strong enough to have more children. It makes me really sad! My DH and I agreed to have one more child for my daughter's sake, and because we still love the idea of a big family.... But I'm not sure we'll have more than two children. We'll take it child by child.

Two seems like such a small family! And I'm sad, but at the same time I've grown to understand that it's a good thing for me to know my limitations and be a good mom to the child I have right in front of me, instead of worrying about the kids I don't have.

Hope you find peace in your heart. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

26 years old. Central PA. Married to a resident physician. DD1 - Valentine's Day 2013. New LO coming November 2015.
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#8 of 9 Old 04-14-2014, 04:22 AM
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I think you are wise to put any permanent decisions off for awhile. You may feel better able to go through another pregnancy when your babies are a bit older and less dependent on you. That said, I completely understand the desire to process this change in advance of actually going through it. Can you talk to a counselor or your pastor about it? Perhaps it will give you some insight and clarity about whether or not to grow your family through biological means.

I wish you peace and healing as you process these tough choices. You and your family are in my prayers.

Tabitha ~ devoted wife to my best friend Stephen ribbonyellow.gif and gentle Christian mom to six DSs: notes.gif E - 2/09/00REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifA - 3/05/03superhero.gifA- 6/05/06 guitar.gif H- 2/07/08 jog.gif J - 11/14/10 bouncy.gif T - 8/23/12 + stork-suprise.gif due 9/20/14!  brokenheart.gif DD Janae 10/19/09 angel2.gif
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#9 of 9 Old 04-19-2014, 01:39 PM
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You may get your large family in other ways than you expect.  All my life, the only thing I wanted to be was a Mommy, have a house full of children.  I started out with one son, and then married and gained a stepdaughter.  My exhusband told me we would have more babies, but he actually didn't want to- he kept putting it off.  My doctor had told me at the time, that my fertility years were almost over, and that if I did not have more children within a year or two, then it would not happen at all, at least naturally.  I tried to have lots of pets to fill that void, but it didn't quite cut it.  Then we divorced and I lost my chance for a large family as well as my stepdaughter and my two dogs.  I was devastated.  Then, (not right away- he's not my exhusband's), I had my little one.  Now, I'm engaged to a man who has three children who don't have a Mother, who see me as their Mother now (I will be adopting them after we marry), and we plan on having more at some point (my fertility problems corrected themselves after I got pregnant).  I also live next door to my sister who has four children.  We probably spend 5-6 days a week together, it's ridiculous.  lol  Although I'm not "Mommy", I am like a second Mother to my nieces and nephew- we are very close.  My life went from bleak, just me and my oldest son, to filled with children, who I have some form of "Mother" bond with.  I never thought I would be happy without a houseful of "my" children... but I am happy.  You will be too, in time.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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