Grief during pregnancy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-12-2014, 08:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 8 Old 03-12-2014, 01:29 PM
 
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Hi there, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your brother. 

 

I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant. We found out that my stepmom was going in for surgery the day we got our BFP. She had cancer-renal cell carcinoma and there was a (well numerous) tumors on her spine and her neck broke and would be a quadriplegic soon if they didn't do the surgery. We ended up telling her and my dad about the pregnancy before she went in for the surgery. She was never the same after it. We found out right before Christmas that she only had weeks to live. She passed away on January 7th. 

 

I don't even know how to begin to grieve and am constantly struggling with how to be happy and excited for this pregnancy and dealing with losing someone I loved so much. Most of the time I am in denial, but if I think about it I sink into a deep dark hole. My midwife said that I really should do some grief work before the baby gets here because if I don't it might all come out during labor and postpartum. I just don't know what to do. I don't think therapy would be very beneficial, but am not sure where to start with doing it on my own. 

 

Dreams are hard because you can't really control them right? For weeks after my stepmom died (and occasionally now) I had nightmares filled with the image of her dying over and over again. It was terrible. 

 

Anyways, I just wanted to say that you aren't alone. I wish I had advice or words that would help, but in my experience there aren't any really. I'm available if you would like to talk. 


Me (31) DW (28) 2 puppies and a baby on the way

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#3 of 8 Old 03-12-2014, 06:40 PM
 
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I am so sorry for both of your losses.  It must be so difficult to be so full of new life, but at the same time, try to process the death of a loved one.  It is okay to be happy and sad at the same time.  Honor it.  Talking about it seems to me to be a good step.  RRB, Grieving is really healthy, but it may have to come when it is ready, when you are ready.  Do you talk to your Dad about it? Can you grieve with him?  Do you have any other form of expression such as music or art where you might be able to vent other than words?  Just thoughts, I am not looking for you to answer.  I wish you both to find peace.


Mama to 4yo dd Piper, loving wife to Dave and preggo for the second time...due in Early July!  Hurray!
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#4 of 8 Old 03-13-2014, 01:02 PM
 
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Thank you turtlemama. I am an artist and have thought expressing myself through art would help. I asked my midwife about acrylic and oil paints, she wasn't sure but gave me some resources to check out. I signed up for a local artist workshop over the next few months. It'll be good to get back into it and hopefully be able to work through some things. I do talk to my dad about it sometimes. His pain breaks my heart more than it is already broken. My dad and I are both extreme introverts who don't talk about our emotions very much so it might be that I need to bring it up more. Sometimes he seems like he wants to talk, we're just an awkward bunch. We are spending a lot of time with him though and doing a lot of projects, which he says he needs to do. 


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#5 of 8 Old 03-14-2014, 09:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for both of your responses. I'll be 22 weeks tomorrow. RRB, I'm so sorry to hear about your stepmom. Watching people you love suffer is so difficult. My stepfather died a year before my brother did, and though he and I weren't that close, it was very hard to see my mother grieving and know that there wasn't much I could do. Now she has had 2 very close losses within a year. It breaks my heart.

 

I'm still trying to decide if there's anything I need to do for therapy. I'm not sure what it would be. I read a lot of grief books and tried to join some bereavement groups, but quickly felt like that wouldn't be right at this time. I am kind of concerned about postpartum, though. I struggled with depression after my son was born, and in a way I fear that some type of real grieving will set in after birth. By real, I guess I just mean more visible. Although maybe that would not be so bad, because I always feel better when I get a chance to cry. I rarely cry over it and it bothers me.

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#6 of 8 Old 03-14-2014, 09:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by redrockband View Post
 

Thank you turtlemama. I am an artist and have thought expressing myself through art would help. I asked my midwife about acrylic and oil paints, she wasn't sure but gave me some resources to check out. I signed up for a local artist workshop over the next few months. It'll be good to get back into it and hopefully be able to work through some things. I do talk to my dad about it sometimes. His pain breaks my heart more than it is already broken. My dad and I are both extreme introverts who don't talk about our emotions very much so it might be that I need to bring it up more. Sometimes he seems like he wants to talk, we're just an awkward bunch. We are spending a lot of time with him though and doing a lot of projects, which he says he needs to do. 

 

I hope the workshop turns out to be a good outlet for you.

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#7 of 8 Old 03-14-2014, 09:27 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm also dealing with grief from the unexpected, untimely death of my father.  One of the things that is helping me a lot is a local GriefShare support group.  It's not for counseling, but the group of people going through the same thing or similar losses, along with the workbook and videos, are really helping me process my mixed up feelings and weird symptoms (things like memory loss where I can't remember words and things as quickly).  Here's a link for info about the program and you can search for a group that might meet in your area.

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#8 of 8 Old 03-17-2014, 06:23 AM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.  My grandpa died when I was 7 months pregnant with my second child.  I felt so guilty that I was somehow hurting my baby by crying and being upset.  But my baby was fine.  I had dreams of being aggressive during both of my pregnancies, like knock-down-drag-out fights with different people where I would just totally kick the crap out of them.  I thought it was just because I had boys and was getting their testosterone in my brain.  But one of my former friends mentioned that she also had similar dreams when pregnant and gave birth to a girl.  Pregnancy dreams are always weird and vivid.  Anyway, when I was grieving, I was sure to drink plenty of water and take it easy.  Seek comfort and happiness where ever you can find it. 


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