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#1 of 8 Old 07-15-2014, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
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need some advice

My daughter's best friend just lost her life to suicide. My daughter doesn't know yet because she is working at a sleep-away camp. My choices boil down to telling her on the phone, so she can make the funeral, or telling her in person when she comes home the day after the funeral (and she will have missed the funeral.) I can't figure out the best option. She takes her responsibilities at camp really seriously and I don't want to mess that up for her, but I want her to be able to say her goodbyes to her friend, too.
Advice?

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#2 of 8 Old 07-15-2014, 05:11 PM
 
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I would tell her. It would suck for her to miss her camp but camp she can do again later. She can't go to her friend's funeral later. I would also be concerned about her resenting missing the funeral because of not knowing about it if she had wanted to attend. It's one thing if she decides not to go but a totally different thing for her not to be given the option. I would call her.

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#3 of 8 Old 07-15-2014, 05:13 PM
 
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Does she have any other friends at camp with her or that could call her after you call and tell her? When my cousin's son lost his friend here recently he and another boy that were friend's with the boy that died got extremely close in the weeks after the funeral and really needed each other to make it through. If she has another close friend especially another mutual friend I'd see about them contacting her as well so they can support each other. It might help the girls both recover. Lots of love to you and your daughter during this time as well as the girl's family and friends.

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#4 of 8 Old 07-15-2014, 05:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A View Post
My daughter's best friend just lost her life to suicide. My daughter doesn't know yet because she is working at a sleep-away camp. My choices boil down to telling her on the phone, so she can make the funeral, or telling her in person when she comes home the day after the funeral (and she will have missed the funeral.) I can't figure out the best option. She takes her responsibilities at camp really seriously and I don't want to mess that up for her, but I want her to be able to say her goodbyes to her friend, too.
Advice?
I would have someone in charge at the camp tell in her person rather than telling her on the phone. She can then call you immediately to talk. But the adults at camp need to know what is going on so they can support her, and I really think this is the kind of information that it is best to have a real person in front of you to tell you.

You really don't want to tell her this on the phone without giving anyone there a heads up -- she wouldn't have a chance to process at all, she would immediately be put in the position of advocating for herself while treating to fulfill her duties, etc.

I think it is a very bad idea to wait until she gets home to let her know. Besides taking the choice of what to do away from her, anger is a normal part of grieving, and you'd be giving her a great target for all that anger.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#5 of 8 Old 07-15-2014, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I would have someone in charge at the camp tell in her person rather than telling her on the phone. She can then call you immediately to talk. But the adults at camp need to know what is going on so they can support her, and I really think this is the kind of information that it is best to have a real person in front of you to tell you.

You really don't want to tell her this on the phone without giving anyone there a heads up -- she wouldn't have a chance to process at all, she would immediately be put in the position of advocating for herself while treating to fulfill her duties, etc.

I think it is a very bad idea to wait until she gets home to let her know. Besides taking the choice of what to do away from her, anger is a normal part of grieving, and you'd be giving her a great target for all that anger.

Thank you. You're probably right--I could see her displacing her anger.
I did call her boss (also kind of a family friend) who said he didn't want to be the one to tell her, but he will be there supporting her when I call. I think I will call Thurs.because the funeral is Friday. That way I don't ruin her entire week.

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#6 of 8 Old 07-15-2014, 10:06 PM
 
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That sounds like a good plan. She'll have the support she needs there, and she'll have you on the phone.

I'm so sorry. This is tragic situation. How are the friend's parents doing?

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#7 of 8 Old 07-21-2014, 06:19 AM
 
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Wow, I'm so so sorry. How tragic!
Glad you are going to tell her. She can make her own decisions about missing camp. If that were me, I'd be pissed as hell if I missed my best friend's funeral because my mom didn't think I could handle it or didn't want to deal with telling me. It's not the easiest choice, but this won't be easy no matter when or how she finds out. At least this way she can participate in the important ritual of saying goodbye via funeral, and get the support of her friends who will be there.
I just noticed this already happened.
How did it go?

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#8 of 8 Old 07-26-2014, 07:13 PM
 
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My advice is to tell someone to tell her at camp and let her make up her own mind. That way, she is not alone, and a person can comfort her a little and help her decide what to do about the funeral and perhaps let her know that her responsibilities will be covered.

NEVER leave a message like that, on tape or written, where a person will be alone and learn the bad news and be there , all alone, to deal with the bad news. So sad.
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