My son took his life and I found his letter this weekend: - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-08-2004, 10:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I need to just vent a little bit here but my son just turned 18 last month and though everything couldn't be better but I was very wrong today. I still have no idea he even felt this way. I feel like I failed him badly. He was saying in his letter stuff from middle school and high school about he couldn't bare living his entire life with people like these. He was always so sensitive and always got picked on and beatup. Even after moving him into gifted schools they still had asswholes there. He was offered a full ride to a NASA training school and a free education. It just seemed like everything was in the past and his future looked damn good in that I would love to have what he could have had. They were going to pay him 80 thousand for each of his first four years of training with NASA and who knows what he could have had after that. I just can't see what I did wrong.

I just can't stop thinking that I just overlooked every hint he could have tried to give me because I thought that this NASA thing would change everything. I just wanted something better for him all my life. I wanted him to have a better life than I had and a better life than what he currently has had.
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Old 08-08-2004, 10:51 PM
 
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Oh, Mama, I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to say and let you know my prayers will be with you and your family.
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Old 08-08-2004, 10:55 PM
 
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I don't have the words
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Old 08-08-2004, 11:03 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot think of anything wise with which to console you. My thoughts are with you and your family.

anna kiss partner to jon radical mama to aleks (8/02) and bastian (5/05)
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Old 08-08-2004, 11:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks and my wife is just not crying and I don't know how to help her but just be with her. I've been taking her out for dinners and such to just get both of us out but besides that she just stays in our sons room and just cries all night and falls asleep on his bed. Oh and I didn't exactly say this the way I should have but he took his life over a week ago and I only found the letter today. I know its mostly current because he was talking about NASA which we only found out about not more than 2 months before he took his life. I just don't know what to do and even the experts we've seen just really don't make much difference right now. What they tell us is stuff we have known from the start. We have been getting upset about this as well because we ended up paying over 100 dollars per hour for this stuff.

Right now I've been taking care of our almost 14 year old who is just like our lost one at this age and he is just up in his own place and I'm very worried about this and all the experts say is this is normal for him and he should be fine and I don't trust them. He just seems very agressive lately and very short tempered. I thinking of sending him to my parents but don't know if thats good or bad. I don't want him to feel we don't love him or want him but I feel I have to seperate him from this and allow him to heal from this. I just can't lose another kid and I feel he is heading in that direction. My younger boy looked upto his brother so much and it just scares me to think of his life without someone to look upto. I swear it can't get any worse but it just doesn't feel this way.
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Old 08-08-2004, 11:09 PM
 
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I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Old 08-08-2004, 11:38 PM
 
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I am so very sorry for your loss.

~Brandon Michael (11/23/03), Jocelyn Lily Nữ (2/4/07, adopted 5/28/07 from Vietnam), Amelia Rylie (1/14/09), & Ryland Josef William (9/7/05-9/7/05 @ 41 wks). 
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Old 08-08-2004, 11:52 PM
 
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I am so sorry.

Kerrie Mama to DD 10 yo, DS 8 yo and DD 5  

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Old 08-09-2004, 12:28 AM
 
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so sorry for your loss :
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Old 08-09-2004, 12:38 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. *hug*
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Old 08-09-2004, 12:48 AM
 
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I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Keep you 14 yr old in sight. Hug and cry together. Stay true to your instincts no matter what some "professional" tells you.
My great-aunt lost her brillant son, almost same sinario. She told me not to ever ignor my instinct.
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Old 08-09-2004, 01:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Electra375
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Keep you 14 yr old in sight. Hug and cry together. Stay true to your instincts no matter what some "professional" tells you.
My great-aunt lost her brillant son, almost same sinario. She told me not to ever ignor my instinct.
I did what you said before he went to bed and he is really in bad shape. He was at the age where is wasn't cool to cry infront of his dad type of thing but he cried in my arms for over an hour and ended up getting himself sick. I don't think he has a cold or the flu but he ended up blowing chunks all over the floor and I'm not sure what to think of this. That just doesn't seem normal adjusting but I could be wrong. He's sleeping now but I'm pretty sure he will wake up with a nightmare tonight like the last several nites so its hard for me to sleep between my wife and the son. I have to keep this family going and I haven't been able to let go and act how I feel except for this board and I just don't know how much longer I can help them because this goes way beyond what I know.

I checked his temp and he was normal so should I be worried about him getting sick.
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Old 08-09-2004, 03:25 AM
 
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My guess is that his throwing up was just part of his reaction to the grief he is experiencing. Our bodies will sometimes vomit in times of extreme stress, emotional and/or physical.

I am so sorry for your loss!
I am thinking of you and your family.
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Old 08-09-2004, 04:09 AM
 
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I'm so very sorry.

Please, keep searching for a therapist or religious leader until you find out that you, your wife and your son are comfortable with. You will need help to get through this.

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Old 08-09-2004, 04:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I knew I would need help for my family but its nice to know that I'm not the only one thinking that my family needs help. I figured the vomiting had something to do with extreme stress but he was almost asleep in my lap and stopped crying for about 10 minutes and I was almost going to put him in his bed and he just got sick. It just took me by suprise because I honestly thought he was asleep. Oh and I'm posting now because he's currently moaning in his sleep so I'm staying close by and awake so I can be there if he cries out later in the night. I ended up having to quit my job for now and thank god I had a very good savings built up in my life or I would be in very bad shape right now. Even if I'm not working I still need sleep and I can't get it for days at a time. My kid is having nightmares all night and my boy is hyper as all get out in the afternoon while my wife is either crying all morning and afternoon or off and on that I can never get too sleep for more than an hour without getting waken up over something.

At least now I know why some of the other kids that are friends of both my sons always say they would love me to be their dads. I'm a pretty good guy and try to be there but eventually I can't keep this going or I'll burn myself out completely. I'll be calling my doctors and insurance company to get a list of some places we all could go for help to get through this but at least for now we have been fighting with the insurance company over what and who they will cover for how many visits and god knows what else. Its been hell the last week. I can't believe insurance companies can be like this after what happened to us. They say they will cover my boy for everything but they won't cover us for everything. They will cover all of us for certain types of visits and only for certain centers. It shouldn't be this hard. I almost sware they make it this hard so people will give up and they don't have to pay.
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Old 08-09-2004, 09:54 AM
 
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I am so sorry to hear about your loss in your family. Hugs to you and your family.
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Old 08-09-2004, 10:22 AM
 
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Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. What a devastating thing for your family to have to go through. I want to offer something constructive, but I'm not sure I can.

Are the professionals you're talking with trained in grief counseling? If not, I'd try and look for someone who is. I fired my therapist after my son died because she just didn't understand enough about the grief process to help me out.

Have you contacted any bereavement groups such as compassionate friends? Here is their website: compassionate friends

Also, is there any way you and your family might be able to take a short trip out of town? When I lost my son, my dh, mom and s-dad went to the caribbean for a week and although it was hard to leave, it did give us a little breathing room and a different environment to process our loss in. The sun and the sea was a bit healing.

Please take care of yourself while you're in the midst of supporting your family. I'm so sorry.
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Old 08-09-2004, 01:40 PM
 
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I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your dear son. I too, would suggest finding a support group or therapist in your area to help you and your family through this time of loss and grief.

My first dh died by suicide in 2000. Shortly after his death, I began attending a SOS (Survivors of Suicide) support group. It was comforting to hear that I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings. They are a national group, so you might want to check to see if there are any groups in your area. Also, I had nightmares for months and something that worked for me was a treatment called EMDR. This is done with a therapist and it helped me finally sleep and it also helped with my PTSD.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please feel free to come here and talk as you feel the need.

Warmly~

Lisa

Lisa, Todd, Dane and Amber: & :::
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Old 08-09-2004, 02:06 PM
 
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I think having your son fall asleep after crying with you is a good thing. I think that his vomiting is a reaction to the stresses of everything going on. He needs to know that Mom and Dad are hurting too. Grief happens in stages(from the best my memory has): shock, anger, sadness, coming to terms with it. BTW, my sons will get sick from crying, as well as myself and my mother.

I would highly suggest family counceling through a church, these services are usually free of charge to anyone in the community. You haven't mentioned anything about religion, but I know that medium to large Chrisitan Churches do have these services to anyone asking for them (at least in our community). If you are of another faith, then search within that religion.

IMO, death (in any circumstance) is spiritual and a secular counselor isn't prepared to handle spiritual matters.

Please don't leave your son alone. It is pressing on my heart that he needs you (and I don't know why, I don't even know you). Men don't talk much about things that bother then in general, but maybe your son will open up to you and the two of you can grieve together and then help your wife.

I think about my own sons and can't imagine the pain; but I have held my hugs with them a little longer and looked more deeply into their tiny faces.

You and your family are in my prayers.
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Old 08-09-2004, 03:19 PM
 
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I cannot imagine losing a child, it would just kill me inside out. I am so very sorry. God sometimes I just do not get it, I have no words of wisdom for I too do not understand.
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Old 08-09-2004, 07:20 PM
 
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Prayers for your whole family.A very dear friend of mine went through this and it really took a lot of time for her to even begin to be ok.Catherine
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Old 08-09-2004, 09:53 PM
 
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just wanted to offer
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Old 08-10-2004, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I found a grief therapist who seems very good that is fully covered and we went to see her this morning and I think we will still see her for the most part. I have been talking to both my wife and my son about going somewhere this winter that is warm and told me son he doesn't have to attend school at least for the first half and to be honest I wouldn't send him either way because he's just not ready right now. Since it gets very very cold in the winter I was thinking of going somewhere for most of the winter and holidays as well for at least 3 months. We don't have pets or anything else that needs daily attention so I think this is something we will be doing but for the first time my son seems quite excited about this and my wife has a sparkle in her eye for the most part so I think this is a good thing.

I'm wondering for anyone who might have some insight about what tropical place would be good to have a long term vacation that would be at least 3 months and no longer than 6 months. I have my house paid off and my car paid off and my wifes car is not a problem and I do have quite a bit of savings so I'm very good there so with that said do you think that maybe just moving might be a good idea to talk about after the vacation. Maybe just starting over might be the best thing but not forgetting about what happened but just remembering that we are still living.

I'm not sure but my son has never liked the snow and gets sick very often and my wife feels the same way that maybe moving to a state or country that is more tropical would be good. I don't want to deal with Florida because I don't like Jeb Bush or the way he runs the state and that should tell you my feelings about their current school system.

Oh and by the way I live in Boston incase you want to know.
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Old 08-10-2004, 12:20 AM
 
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I don't usually post in this forum, but your title caught my eye. I just want to offer a . Arizona is beautiful during the winter. The Mesa, Phoenix/scottsdale area has lots to do, and there are beautiful places to go in the mountains as well. The mountains do get snow though. I hope you find somewhere to relax and enjoy yourself.
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Old 08-10-2004, 01:43 AM
 
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I cannot imagine losing a child, it would just kill me inside out
You know, DM, I know you didn't mean this in a negative way, but I have to tell you, as a mother who has lost a child, words like these are really not comforting to hear. As another mama friend who lost her daughter said it well- actually losing your child wouldn't kill you inside out, you'd actually still breathe and have to figure out a way to live your life with a broken heart. We all have thought at one point or another that we would die, but the reality is that we end up living and living with a lot of pain and heartache. Saying this just makes me feel like you're kind of catching your breath and saying "Thank g-d it's not me!", which I know you probably are thinking, but it's not like it's something the OP or any of us grieving parents need to hear, KWIM?

SeaC- We went to Martinique in the French West Indies and I can talk to you a bit about that country if you're interested. I can share pics as well. It is a French "property" (can't think of the word), so it's pretty much like France, but in the Caribbean.

PM or email me if you like.
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Old 08-10-2004, 04:00 AM
 
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I am so sorry! Huge hugs. You and your family are in my thoughts.
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Old 08-10-2004, 04:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well this never crossed my mind at first but I will have to decide carefully where we go because my son has very severe athsma and our last vacation when he was 4 or 5 didn't go so well. We went to the Florida Disney these parks in the Summer and he had so many problems and he isn't any better now but if he flares up we may run out of medicine for him and I just can't risk trying to get him more without him having to end up getting it in a hospital. I also don't quite know how a tropical place even in the winter would be for him. Why can't anything be easy for once just once.

If he gets the flu we have to take him into the hospital because he can barely breath so I don't want to even think about losing him because we can't get him to a hospital in time in another place or country.
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Old 08-10-2004, 04:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetTeach
You know, DM, I know you didn't mean this in a negative way, but I have to tell you, as a mother who has lost a child, words like these are really not comforting to hear. As another mama friend who lost her daughter said it well- actually losing your child wouldn't kill you inside out, you'd actually still breathe and have to figure out a way to live your life with a broken heart. We all have thought at one point or another that we would die, but the reality is that we end up living and living with a lot of pain and heartache. Saying this just makes me feel like you're kind of catching your breath and saying "Thank g-d it's not me!", which I know you probably are thinking, but it's not like it's something the OP or any of us grieving parents need to hear, KWIM?

SeaC- We went to Martinique in the French West Indies and I can talk to you a bit about that country if you're interested. I can share pics as well. It is a French "property" (can't think of the word), so it's pretty much like France, but in the Caribbean.

PM or email me if you like.
People aren't perfect and even though I didn't want to hear this just as you didn't we have to realize that people are just trying to help and aren't trying to be mean. If I let every person that I know get to me everytime they said something similiar and they have many times I would go nuts but I just understand that even for them its akward and they would rather say nothing but they say something so they don't come across as if they don't care. Trust me I was in that type of situation once and now I fully understand exactly how akward this stuff really is for others.

Also if its not much trouble could you tell me where this place is and how I could go about booking a place like this. Is it a hotel chain and can I book online or via phone. That would be great if you can provide me with any information you have but I will have to see my sons doctors to find out if it would be safe to go on vacation and whether they can provide us with additional medications for anything else.
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Old 08-10-2004, 04:30 AM
 
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I think you are doing everything that you can to hold your family together. I agree that you need to trust your instincts w/your son and spend as much time together. Tears are cleansing and so was the vomit. Stress has such a strong physical manifestation.

I agree that a spiritual counselor may be most helpful. And, learning about the stages of grief and that everything you're all feeling is normal and okay.

Time away as a family in the sunshine sounds like a wonderful chance to heal. You've gotten some good advice!

Hang in there
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Old 08-10-2004, 04:32 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetTeach
You know, DM, I know you didn't mean this in a negative way, but I have to tell you, as a mother who has lost a child, words like these are really not comforting to hear. As another mama friend who lost her daughter said it well- actually losing your child wouldn't kill you inside out, you'd actually still breathe and have to figure out a way to live your life with a broken heart.
Thank you St for pointing this out...

I have been following this thread since it started...I really want to offer my love and heart felt thoughts to you and your family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son.




I agree with the Caribbean...it truly is lovely there. We were there for 3 weeks.
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