Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Leaping & Hopping on a Moon shadow
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I chose to get my tubes tied because I really thought ( well, still think ) that it was the best option for me .
However, that does not change the fact that I am sad that I will never have another baby. My daughter is a toddler now, learning how to say a few words, running every where..no longer a little baby. My son is four, all arms and legs and busy from the moment he opens his eyes until he finally goes down for the night. Somedays i feel so overwhelmed by everything I have to care for..and so greatful for those brief moments of "me" time I recieve. I KNOW logically what another baby would mean.
I loathed being pregnant. I was sick about 85% with Emily and about 90% of the entire pregnancy with Paul. I felt like ten miles of bad road every day all day...heartburn, nasuea, severe morning sickness,,,etc etc etc...I never want to have anotehr c section as long as I live, and another baby would mean that for me. Then the recovery from the c section, and stitches inside and staples outside and weeks of being in pain and sore and tired and ..all of it. I know it all and I don't ever want to go back to that ever again.
But the fact that I am never going to bring home another downy headed sweet tiny person to raise and love and watch grow is killing me inside. I love being a Mother. I wish that it had worked out that I had normal healthy pregnancies and births..because I wanted always to have about 4 kids. And I am greatful for my two healthy beautiful babies every waking second of my life and try very hard to keep these emotions from everyone around me because I htink they don't really want to hear it .
My husband is happy with the number of kid we have. he doesn't want anymore..2 is perfect to him..but I just wish that I could have one more...
About 3 weks ago i held a cousins tiny new baby, and I cried in front of everyone . I felt emberrassed and stupid. One of the other female relatives said" Oh, I see it is time for another baby for you and Joe!" And I stood there with tears pouring down my face and said " No, I can't have any more babies, I had my tubes tied." It felt like a knife cut through me when I said that..just a jagged tearing pain. No more babies. never again. Never.
I want another baby. I know how silly that is, it will never occur and i need to just let go and get over it..but it just won't stop. I think about it often. I saw that program about that family with 14 kids and I was SOO jealous of her. I am so jealous secretly of women on this board who have 4 or 5 or 6 kids. I envy them from the tip of my toes to the top of my head.i will never have that. And I WANT it... I want the house fullof kids, I want the noise and commotion and business. I want to watch my kids grow and be ther for them and I want so much to just have a huge family of children..which will never occur. It just won't. And it hurts.
My sons has been saying to me on and off again that I need to have another baby, a Boy baby this time, so he can have a brother..and It HURTS me to my core..badly enought hat I finally saiud somtheint to him about it. He is 4 years old. He doesn't know any better but I had to say soemthing and told him he was hurting Mommas feelings by asking for another baby when Momma cannot have one. I knew I should just let it go but I just couldn't. It hurt too much.
My sister and my cousin are both having a baby in the next few months and I am so glad that I live as far away from them as I do, I think if I had to be aorund them with their new babies it would kill me a little bit more inside. I know I should be happy for them,. and I am. i have sent them tons of my kdis outgrown clothes and toys and so on, and bought them the Sears books and what ever else I could think of that was essential to have wioth a baby...but I am still glad I won't be around when teh babies re born. I don't know if I oculd keep it togethor well enough.
I hope against hope that somehow , out of the blue, despite the tubal , that I will become pregnant. I know my doctor did a very thorough job of severing the tubes and burning them off and etc..she told me so afterwards when i asked...and I was SO glad at the time..but now I wish she had not been so thorough..I wish she was a sloppier Dr. than I know she is..
I want another baby, I know I will never have another one, and it hurts. I have to grieve over htis lone.I don't want to talk about it with my Mom, and I know what my husband thinks already. Most people say to me " hey, you have 2 perfectly beautiful kids...be greatful for them ! '...and Believe me, I AM !!! but in my mind there is a blank place where there should have been another child and he/she is not here with us, and I feel terrible.
Plus..when I say that, I sound like my Mom who still talks about how she would have liked to have had 4 kids and only had 3 and even though she is pre-menopausal talks about how she hopes she is pregnant because her periods are irregualr...and she had her tubes tied as well. I do not want to sound like that !!!!! But..yet..I do, and thats sad and scary as well.
Somedays are easier than others..but the last few weeks have been hard. Holding that baby was one of the most painful things I have done in a long time.
If this does not stop, or abate , or something, I don't know what I am going to do. I am trying to make peace with it, to come to terms with my choice.,..but you know what , it sucks right now. I still feel that urge from deep with in myself that I must become pregnant again and bear another baby. I still have a hard time when I hear small babies cry in the store. It hits me deep inside..alwasy had..always will evidently..I cannot help but react. I want to adopt another baby in a couple of years and I know my husband does not.
Is there something wrong with me? Do other women go through this? How in the hell do you get past this feeling, these thoughts? How do you fill that void ? What do you do? What is the first step?
I am just so tired of it already..my daughter is getting older and I am scared that this is just going to get worse over time. I don't want to be pining over what I couldn't have 10 years from now !!!!!
So many things....I just wish I process it all into some neat little package , drop it off, and move on.