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-   -   ((((Jerome John Hellman)))) Beloved Papa. (http://www.mothering.com/forum/64-grief-loss/230457-jerome-john-hellman-beloved-papa.html)

rachelle-a-tron 12-28-2004 04:56 PM

A little history... my Papa has Lupus, Diabetes, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, Congestive Heart Failure & Renal (Kidney) Failure. He is on Dialysis 4 days a week.

My Papa is one of my best friends I love him so much that it hurts. He is 68 years old, he got sick 6 years ago & had to quit working, my Grandmother is 68 also & vibrant & full of life, she does volunteer work & takes care of my Papa. She was running around the back yard this summer giving my 5 year old a piggy back ride.

In the last year my Papas health has started to fail at a very fast rate. This Christmas he just cried & threw up everywhere... it was awful.

Last night around 4:00 am he fell going to the bathroom, so my Gram got up & got him back into bed, then he got up about a half hour later & fell again, this time with a bowl of oatmeal in his hands, he fell on the bowl & cut himself up pretty badly. My Gram couldn't get him back in bed so she called my Dad at 4:45 & he came over, my Papa just cried & cried & begged them not to move him. They called the ambulance. He has a broken hip & some
bad cuts from the broken bowl.

He just cries & cries & says he wants to die.
I CAN NOT HANDLE IT. Why is it that someone like my Papa
hurts so badly & is so sick? He is literally the nicest, most
wonderful man anyone could meet. All of us grandchildren named thier
first born sons after him, all of our friends growing up called them
Gram & Gramps & they treated our friends like thier own. WHY?! Why
such a good man has to suffer is beyond me! I have been hysterical
all morning. I can't imagine what my life will be like without
him... I make many of my decisions based on his guidance, I love him
so much you guys, I can't bear to live without him but can't bear
to see him suffering anymore. I would give anything to make him
okay.

Please pray for my family, my Papa, my Gram, My Mom, My Baby Sister & the Great Grandchildren.

Thank you so much.

Rachelle

Harper 12-28-2004 05:21 PM

Dear Rachelle,

He sounds like a very special man. I will think positive and healthy thoughts for him and for your family.

lisamarie 12-29-2004 01:40 AM

It is so painful when bad things happen to good people. The unanswered questions can be so difficult. I don't have any wise answers, just sympathy in what you are going through.

Hugs~

Lisa

siddie 12-29-2004 12:06 PM

Hugs for you and praying for your Papa to feel better. You are so lucky to have such wonderful grandparents. Hoping you find the strngth to make if through this...

rachelle-a-tron 12-30-2004 03:54 AM

Thank you Ladies so much. He took a turn for the worst tonight & I don't think he is going to make it much longer. His fistula (where they do dialysis) is clogged so they had to do another surgery today & his poor body just can't take it anymore. He has some kind of infection & they rushed him from dialysis to the ICU. If he codes they are just going to let him go... just typing those words makes me so sick. I don't know how I can go on... I feel frantic...

I am very lucky to have such amazing Grandparents, I wish everyone could have what we have.

Thank you Ladies. Love to you & yours.

Lucky Charm 12-30-2004 03:57 AM

Rachelle, I am so very sorry to read about your beloved PaPa. I called my one grandfather that, and my youngest called my Dad that (he died 5 years ago).

Losing Grandparents arent easy and watching them suffer is even worse.


rachelle-a-tron 12-31-2004 04:12 AM

It's horrible. He coded tonight & they brought him back. They were not supposed to. He wants to go, he is tired of hurting & tired of not being able to be with his family. I want his suffering to end but I don't want to lose him. Im so scared.

andi_3k 12-31-2004 05:02 AM

s Rachelle, you and your family, have been in my prayers for along time, more are goingout tonight. PM me if you need to talk.
I care about you

rachelle-a-tron 01-03-2005 02:12 AM

Thank you all so much.

He is getting better. Hes a very stubborn man & he gets what he wants & obviously he must want to get better, he is off of continuous dialysis, off of the the oxygen mask that looked like a hockey mask. Hes really not hooked up to anything anymore, except a blood pressure cuff & a heart monitor. Hes getting a small dose of pain & BP meds.

He is very confused though... the nurses had to restrain him today because he tried to get outta bed, he said he was getting outta the hell-hole if it was the last thing he did. He asked me to slip him a pocket knife & begged me to secretly cut his restraints.

Keep praying for him... he has a long road ahead. We all do.

BTW... his name is Jerome John Hellman.

siddie 01-03-2005 03:06 AM

I am so glad to hear that the prayers have helped. It sounds like he has made it over the hump. I know that older people don't tolerate the medications and change in environment well so that is probably contributing to his confusion and will clear up as he needs fewer pain meds and can go home. It sounds as ifyou are doing much better now too. Watching those we love get older and suffer is so difficult. My parents are 79 and 80 years old now and I am so afraid of them falling and breaking something. Thanks for the update.

rachelle-a-tron 01-06-2005 03:52 AM

THEY HAVE MOVED HIM FROM ICU!!!!!!

Your prayers & good thoughts have helped. Thank you so much!

My Papa is going to make it!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!

andi_3k 01-06-2005 06:33 AM

Thank God! and thank you for posting!

rachelle-a-tron 01-13-2005 11:30 AM

Everything was looking good for about a week, like he was on the mend & would go to rehab this week & then he quit eating & started sleeping constantly. He says hes in no pain & he needs to go. He has decided to quit dialysis, he met with my parents, my husband & I, my little Brother & sister, the Chaplain & his Renal Doc last night & made this decision. I know this is for the best but I feel frantic & like I am going to explode. After the decision was made, he asked me to hold his hand (Which I was already doing) & he looked into my eyes & told me that he loved me more than anything in the whole world, he started to cry & begged my husband to take care of Chase & I, then like the true smart-ass he is said "lord help you Casey, shes a handfull!" Everyone cracked up so hard.


I can't sleep (hence the 5:30 am posting,) I can't eat, I spent all night leaning over a bucket. I just want to freak out & scream, & pull out my hair, I have no idea what to do.


My husband is not very supportive, I have no idea how I made it home from the hospital last night, I had to pull over twice to throw up & he followed me but never got out to help me, he didn't help me get my Son into the house & I had to plead for him to get me a bucket, when he did get the bucket he dropped it at my feet & said "hope thats clean enough for ya, it's the best I can do." He didn't help Chase & I get into bed, I had to brush Chases teeth & get his jammies on, all while throwing up. I hate him.

So please think good thoughts for my Papa & my grieving family. I love you all for your support.

Rachelle

Irishmommy 01-13-2005 12:34 PM

((((Rachelle)))) I'm so sorry.

lisamarie 01-13-2005 02:01 PM

Even though we can understand in our head, it is so painfully heartbreaking in our heart. If you have the strength, try to take this precious time with him and just hold and talk to him. Its so wonderful what he said to you and you will cherish those words. Ask questions and write it down in a journel or memory book. And if you can, even take some pictures if you feel up to it (and he does too). He sounds like such a funloving spirit.

Please keep us posted and much love and hugs to you.

Warmly~

Lisa

rachelle-a-tron 01-13-2005 07:35 PM

Thank you gals.

We are taking him home tomarrow & hospice is coming in. We do not want his last days to be spent up in the hospital... I am very thankful for all they have done but it's time he comes home. I can't wait to curl up in his big bed with him & hold his hand.

xoxo

rachelle-a-tron 01-14-2005 01:20 AM

Im heading to the hospital for the night. Im going to sleep by his side because my Mom & Grams need a break. Please wish him peaceful & comforting sleep.

It's been 7 years since my Son Carson died & I had forgotten what the initial grief process feels like. I feel so empty & lost. I feel like throwing up every second.

I LOVE YOU GRANDPA JERRY!

catgirl 01-14-2005 02:31 AM

I''m sos sorry. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Katana 01-14-2005 07:47 AM

Rachelle, I hope that you are having a peaceful and beautiful night with your dear Papa.

I'm sorry to read of his suffering, and your sorrow, but I hope that right now, you are only feeling safe and loved for being near him.

I'm thinking about you both.


mamabeard 01-14-2005 08:15 AM

rachelle, my heart is breaking for you. please take care of your self and keeping loving your papa. losing my grandmother was one of the most difficult things in my life, but she is my angel now..

:

rachelle-a-tron 01-14-2005 10:05 PM

Thank you Mamas! The only solace I have right now is that my Papa is going to be with my Son. I asked him last night to hug & kiss my sweet baby Carson & tell him how much I loved & missed him, & he said that was the first thing he planned to do.

Carson Jerome & Jerome John

lactationmom 01-14-2005 10:07 PM

All my prayers to our great Lord are with you and your grandpa and family tonight. He will be in no pain soon, but your pain is obviously overwhelming. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.


lisamarie 01-15-2005 03:54 AM

Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts. I am SO glad that you got to share those feeling/thoughts w/your sweet grandpa.

Hugs~

Lisa

rachelle-a-tron 01-17-2005 05:09 AM

Thanks Ladies. It's so hard. I haven't seen him look as great as he does right now in 2 years. Hes happy & joking & peaceful. It's so weird, in just a few days I know he will be gone & I want to beg him to go back on dialysis... I won't but I want to plead with him.

Thanks so much for listening to me ramble.

mamabeard 01-17-2005 05:35 PM

rachelle

i am awed by your strength. savour these moments with your papa

lisamarie 01-17-2005 08:13 PM

We are here for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs~

Lisa

rachelle-a-tron 01-18-2005 04:49 PM

Thanks Ladies. I spent the night with him again last night, he was having alot of trouble sleeping so I stayed up a good portion of the night with him & he told me old stories about growing up in Iowa, all about his parents & truck driving. He is so amazing. Hes starting to get very swollen. He can't move his feet anymore, his legs are like tree trunks. I wish I knew what to do about it, just to make him more comfortable. He says it doesn't hurt but his skin is just so tight feeling. I spent alot of time scratching & rubbing his back & just holding his hand. I really want to be strong for him but I am having a hard time holding it together.

I took Chase to school today, so he could atleast have a teeny bit of his normal routine intact. He loves staying out with my Grandparents but I think all of this is quite confusing for him.

Please wish my Dear, wonderful, amazing Papa peaceful & comfortable days ahead.

Love you all.

rachelle-a-tron 01-19-2005 04:17 PM

We have spent the last two days watching old home movies & watching one of his favorite movies, he is so clear & funny right now. It is like my Papa is back. ((((Jerome John Hellman))))

Katana 01-19-2005 07:26 PM

2

Love to you and your papa, Rachelle.

Thinking of you both, wishing you strength and peace...

rachelle-a-tron 01-19-2005 09:15 PM

Thank you so much.


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