Dad dying, stepmom won't let me *in* - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I met my father when I was 11. He was already remarried and his wife hated the thought of a stepchild from Day One. She has always made communication damn near impossible betwen my father and I. I do not blame HER for his lack of communication in my life but nonetheless that is the way it happened.

My father is dying. He is in endstage liver failure with other complications and likely will not be coming home from the hospital. OUr communication in the past few years has been almost entirely by phone, as he has to sneak to see my or my husband and kids so as not to enrage my insecure stepmother. She did not want my grandmother to even tell me he was dying and finally hospitalized.

I feel an enormous sense of helplessness. There is a lifetime of stuff to say to him. There has been a tension overhanging us...a cloud of mistrust and hurt on my part, really...for years. Now he is in and out of conciousness and I know my stepmother will not be supportive if I show up. I dont feekl gutsy/strong/ready enough to march in and say my peeace with her hovering over my shoulder angrily. And I also do not want to make a painful situation worse for my other family who might be there.

I guess I just dont know how to feel. I dont know how i DO feel. I don't want my father to die with this giant weight over us. Over me. Can you jsut stop it from happening, please? Anyone.
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#2 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 09:34 PM
 
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no words, just i'm so sorry.
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#3 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 10:53 AM
 
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My heart goes out to you. My Mom also died of endstage liver disease 18 mo. ago. Such a horrible disease!

I would contact a social worker at the hospital. They are very used to dealing with difficult family situations and could help both you and Dad have some precious time together. She might be able to then speak w/your stepmom and ease some tension and have some peaceful moments with your Dad. Being able to be a part of the dying process with him is so important for you both. Ask your Dad's nurse to have a social worker call you or call the dept. directly. We needed a social worker for another reason and we had one immediately come in and help us and Mom while she was still in the hospital.

Please keep us posted!

Much Love & Hugs~

Lisa

Lisa, Todd, Dane and Amber: & :::
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#4 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 11:12 AM
 
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I'm sorry about your father. Maybe you could have a nurse read him a letter that you want him to hear. Let the nurse know that she needs to read it to him in private. It wouldn't even have to be long. Just let him know you love him and forgive him for anything in the past. It would give you closure and him peace.
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#5 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 11:15 AM
 
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I second the SW suggestion. It might even be possible for them to occupy her while you go see him, she might not even know that you've come.

Best of luck.
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#6 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 11:22 AM
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yes yes yes a social worker from hospice or the hospital

i had a similar situation back in february and the hospice social workers were able to make it possible for me to see my dad and make as much [eace as i could without his wife interfereing. those moments were the most meaningful moments of my entire life with my father.

i too wanted to avoid confrontation and anymore negativity than there had already been...a neutral person who works on your fathers behalf is the only way.

i think it is very important for you to tell your dad what what is on your mind before he moves on.

keep us posted - i'll be thinking of you
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#7 of 10 Old 05-09-2008, 09:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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2 years go by and I did not update here? Oh my.

7 days after that first post my father died. I never did see him or speak to him, which has been a source of massive guilt, regret and pain.

I made peace with my stepmother, somewhat. I have tried to remain in contact with her, as my children are the only living legacy her husband has. It's hard because she still is not nice to me....I had to go through my grandmother to get just a bandana my father used to wear. Just a freakin bandana!! Meanwhile my stepmother bought a new convertible, did a ton of renovation to the house and put in a new pool. All my kids have is a 12x12 inch of cloth.

Anyway. Just wanted to update.
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#8 of 10 Old 05-09-2008, 10:02 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

Wishing you peace.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#9 of 10 Old 05-09-2008, 10:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stinkerbell View Post
2 years go by and I did not update here? Oh my.

7 days after that first post my father died. I never did see him or speak to him, which has been a source of massive guilt, regret and pain.

I made peace with my stepmother, somewhat. I have tried to remain in contact with her, as my children are the only living legacy her husband has. It's hard because she still is not nice to me....I had to go through my grandmother to get just a bandana my father used to wear. Just a freakin bandana!! Meanwhile my stepmother bought a new convertible, did a ton of renovation to the house and put in a new pool. All my kids have is a 12x12 inch of cloth.

Anyway. Just wanted to update.
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#10 of 10 Old 05-09-2008, 11:20 PM
 
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That's rough.

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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