My husband commited suicide today, leaves two beautiful girls, how to tell a 3 yo. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-09-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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So sorry mama, try to take care of you....for the girls.

Sending love and prayers

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Old 09-09-2006, 04:16 PM
 
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I am so, so sorry

Please remember to do what you need to take care of yourself as well right now...I know this must be so hard when going through this with 2 little ones. You all are in my thoughts.
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Old 09-09-2006, 04:24 PM
 
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I'm so so sorry fot your loss. Thinking of your family
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Old 09-09-2006, 05:23 PM
 
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i just wanted to say how sorry i am...reading this thread brought tears to my eyes, i really feel for you and your family right now and hope you manage to pull through it fine.
Although i have never been in your situation, i do have a three year old...i would probably tell your three yr old that daddy has died but his soul has gone to the sky...maybe pick out a star in the sky for daddy?

thinking of you...
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Old 09-09-2006, 06:38 PM
 
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mama, please know we are with you always in love and support

and your dh is with your children and you in spirit always. he is around, you will see the signs
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Old 09-09-2006, 06:49 PM
 
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Oh mama. I am *so* very sorry for your loss.

My son died when my dd was 3 (she is now 6) and she still talks about him to this day. She grieved just as deeply as dh and I did (that was very surprising to me), and she still grieves to this day. We are Christians, so we just explained that Ryan went to live w/ Jesus. She accepted that, and would always ask what he was doing up there, etc.(we always said he was swinging, etc).

I tell you that to let you know your dd will grieve, and probably deeper than you would imagine. It's ok. Talk about your dh w/ her-keep his memory alive by talking about the good things he did, the fun times, etc. We put pictures out everywhere of Ryan, we talked about him all the time, etc. I made sure to tell dd that we could talk about him anytime-and to not feel bad if it made mommy cry. I think kids bottle it up sometimes b/c they don't want to upset their moms/dads, and obviously that's not good. My dd went through cycles in her grief, just as I did. Some days she cried a lot, other days she was mad, etc.

You could check w/ your local Hospice for a list of appropriate books. They were very helpful w/ us when Ryan died-and he was never associated w/ Hospice.

Please know you and your girls are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 09-09-2006, 06:51 PM
 
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much love and strength to you and your little ones.
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Old 09-09-2006, 07:26 PM
 
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Oh Mama - I am so sorry that you have to go through this. My DH is a funeral director and he said that the families that he has met with that had the most success in telling small children generally answered the questions that were asked by the children as simply as possible and didn't elaborate more than necessary. Sometimes simple explanations are the best in explaining a tough situation to a little one. If you are religious them mayabe say that God felt it was time for Daddy to come to heaven as a starting point (I apologize if you are not religious or if I in any way offended you with that statement - I just wanted to try and help if possible.)
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Old 09-09-2006, 08:03 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss mama. :

:Patty :fireman Catholic, intactalactivist, co-sleeping, GDing, HSing, no-vax Mama to .........................:..........hale:
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Old 09-09-2006, 10:32 PM
 
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i am so sorry
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Old 09-10-2006, 12:05 AM
 
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I don't have any advice but I just wanted to add my condolences. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. This forum is a very safe and supportive place to discuss your grief.
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Old 09-10-2006, 01:03 AM
 
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Not sure the words to say but sending you hugs, many thoughts and prayers tonight.
erica
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Old 09-10-2006, 02:00 AM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let us know what you need.

Eden yikes.gif, working on a PhD in Education mama to Laurelleshamrocksmile.gif (16), Orijoy.gif (6), Yarrowfaint.gif (4) and Linusfly-by-nursing1.gif (1) partner to Brice. 
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Old 09-10-2006, 02:09 AM
 
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I am so, so sorry.

There was a mama here a few months ago whose estranged x-dh commited suicide and they had a 4 year old daughter. She told her dd that her father was very, very sick and was not able to be made well (ie, mental illness). I think that explanation would make a lot of sense to my almost-4 yr old and be a good way to convey the "how", though I don't have personal experience to base that on.

I agree with the other posters about being up front about the finality of death and would possibly consider letting her see his body, if you have an open-casket funeral. My grandfather died when I was young and I missed these things; I still have dreams every few months that he's actually alive and I run into him at the grocery store, etc, and he just doesn't recognize me. I think that the confrontation with such a big concept is definately really difficult, but possibly better than leaving it hanging.

(((hugs)))
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Old 09-10-2006, 02:58 AM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss ((((HUGS))))

When my dad comitted suicide I was 5 and was told he had "gone away". I vividly remember asking when he would come back. It wasnt till a long time later that my aunty told me he had died (I was shunted around our family as my mum grieved) and I was thinking he had gone and just left us.

There has been plenty of good advice here for you, so again I'm sorry to hear of your loss and my thoughts are with you all.
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Old 09-10-2006, 03:00 AM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 09-10-2006, 03:14 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts & prayers.
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Old 09-10-2006, 03:18 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss.

There is a very good book called When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner. Based on his personal experience counseling people after the deaths of loved ones, he advises several things *never* to say. For instance, "It was their time." "G-d wanted them home." "Their work was done here on earth."

He suggests your explanation be: Simple. Direct. And compassionate.

I think the advice of saying Daddy was very very sick, and we didn't know it. He was not able to be made well, and he has died. Died is when your body goes into the ground, and your soul goes...fill in the blank.

Another thing he mentioned is how wonderful it felt when people asked him months, even years later: "How are you doing?" And meant it in a very genuine way.

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Old 09-10-2006, 03:41 AM
 
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I am so sorry mama.

You and your family are in the hearts of many MDC mamas.

Mama to my spirited J, and L, my homebirth: baby especially DTaP, MMR (family vax injuries)
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Old 09-10-2006, 11:35 AM
 
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I had to post when I read of your loss. I do not have any links for you but as many have said before keep it simple and short. My heart goes out to you and your daughters in this time of loss and I hope the healing can begin.
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Old 09-10-2006, 11:40 AM
 
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You've received lots of good advice already, so I don't have much to add other than to say that I am so very sad and sorry for this tragic news.

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Old 09-10-2006, 11:52 AM
 
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i am so sorry for your loss
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Old 09-10-2006, 12:02 PM
 
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I wish you all the courage and strength you need in this difficult time.
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Old 09-10-2006, 01:46 PM
 
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I am so sorry

My oldest daughter died last June. My only suggestions at this point are take your time and just hold your babies and let them see and feel your sadness. When your 3 year old asks questions answer them as honestly and gently as possible.

Don't rush anything. There is plenty of time for reading and counseling or whatever you decide is appropriate. Listen to your heart and do what you need to do. Surround yourself with everyone in your life that can support you by helping with day to day stuff.

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Old 09-10-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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Old 09-10-2006, 04:58 PM
 
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i am terribly sorry for your loss mama

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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Old 09-10-2006, 07:41 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss.

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Old 09-10-2006, 07:54 PM
 
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I am sorry Mama.
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Old 09-10-2006, 08:16 PM
 
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I can't imagine the loss and confusion you must be feeling right now! My thoughts will be with you.
When you do get a chance to get out and get a book at the library or store, Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change by Barbra Coloroso is great. It covers a lot of issues, but has some great compassionate and humane ideas to help talk to your kids.
Also, I know a family who lost a child and they find great comfort in having a special garden they've planted by the house for their brother. The kids 'visit' him when they feel sad or they just want some time with their thoughts, and the family talks about plans for the garden and stuff. It's really nice. I guess you are more in the moment than that, but maybe someday a memorial would be helpful. Preschoolers are so concrete and in the moment, something to touch and feel in the real world seems like a nice thing.
Good luck, and don't forget to take care of you - hugs, jen
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Old 09-10-2006, 10:02 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. My and : are with you and your babies tonight.
Please remember to take time to take care of you during this so very tough time. Your babies need their mama too.

Hugs, hugs, hugs..
Lisa
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