My aunt (and best friend) lost her son 10 years ago, he was in his 30's. She lived in a fog for the first couple of years. She still hurts, a lot, but through a lot of prayer, support, and personal growth she has been able to live. I am so sorry, I read your post and felt so much empathy for you, I wish I could come find you and hug you and let you cry for hours. If there is a higher power or centered self that you believe in, go there. Let yourself be safe in that circle of love. Love to you.
Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005