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-   -   Question for Mamas Who Have Lost a Child (http://www.mothering.com/forum/64-grief-loss/573713-question-mamas-who-have-lost-child.html)

alicia9178 12-08-2006 07:58 PM

I have a question that I dod not really know who to ask....so I am coming to you all. My SIL has a baby who is in the PICU right now and to be completely honest they think will not make it. He is 6 months old and my DD is 10 months old. Last Christmas we were all pregnant together and talking about our babies growing up together like our 2 sons who are the same distance in age as these 2 are. Now...things are looking very grim. It is so sad.

If he passes my husband and I would like to go to the funeral. We live out of town from them, but we think it is right to be there for them, my husband is BILs only close brother. However, our dd is exclusivly BFing. How do I handle this? Is it wrong to take a my baby around her? Will I cause more pain?

Thanks Mamas! Please keep Baby Josh in your prayers that we might get a holiday miricle.
Alicia

iris0110 12-09-2006 02:55 AM

That is really hard, and there really is no way to know for sure. Know that I will be sending healing vibes for baby Josh.

When I lost my daughter my SIL was also pregnant. In fact we shared a due date. We did ask her to come to the funeral, at the time we wanted her there. I do have to admit though, after her daughter was born I had a very hard time being around them. In fact even now it sometimes bothers me. Other times it is just nice to see her growing healthy and strong. I am closer with that particular SIL than any of my other IL's (except maybe MIL). I think sharing this particular greif has bonded our families a bit closer. But it is hard to say how your BIL and SIL will be feelign should the worst happen. Maybe see if you are all invited? Is there any way a sitter could watch your DD just for the funeral services? Or maybe your DH could go alone if it seems like seeing your DD would be too hard for them. There is a chance your SIL will want your DD to be there (some people really love having kids at a funeral, it is a bit of joy to hold on to). I will just keep hoping that this is somethign you don't have to deal with because your nephew recovers.

AllyRae 12-09-2006 03:06 AM

There were lots of babies at my son's funeral--my first son and my nephew, and several babies of friends. For me, it was a welcome sight to see a precious innocent life in the midst of tragedy...

barefoot mama 12-09-2006 10:33 PM

We had Marissa's service outside at a park. One of the reasons we chose to do it that way was so the many children in our lives could laugh and play and celebrate life. I'm not certain it will be the same for your SIL, but I think it feels like the right thing for other bereaved mamas, too. You could ask if and when the time comes. The worst thing for me is when people don't know what to do or say, so they say nothing at all. She can let you know how she feels when the time comes.

wheezie 12-10-2006 02:10 PM

I lost Ryan during the holidays (Dec 16th) and my SIL was pg at the time. It's hard to see babies/kids b/c it makes you so aware of what you've lost, but I agree w/ the others that it's nice too, to see the little ones. Ask your SIL how she feels, and honor her wishes.

praying for a miracle for baby Josh.

ksjhwkr 12-21-2006 04:01 AM

You know, it is such an individual thing. I loved seeing babies that were Emma's age, but it was really hard too. I liked to hold them, but again, it was hard. I would talk to them about it. Maybe if he does pass away and they aren't comfortable with seeing your little one, your dh can go to the funeral and you all can take turns going to see them. I would have an open discussion now with them though. I love that you are thinking about it and are so concerned.

habibekindheart 12-24-2006 02:04 PM

It is an individual thing. I had a friend of mine who was nursing her youngest and she got my permission to bring her son to my son's funeral...but then there was my aunt who's child was the same age as mine with blonde hair like his...she didn't ask and he was obnoxious for the service. If I'd said it was okay for him to be there I may not have been so hurt and annoyed, but as it was, it was very difficult for me.

bnhmama 01-14-2007 03:18 PM

I would wait to see what happens and then, if he does pass, ask the SIL.

It could go either way. I was never too upset to see other babies. Yes, there were very difficult moments, but for the most part, I was grateful to see that there were other healthy babies out there. However, some people find this very, very difficult and I would try to honor their requests if that's the case.

Is there someone that could travel with you and keep your dc at a hotel for an hour or two? Or could you and dh take turns with your dc in the car or something?

bnhmama 01-14-2007 03:19 PM

I just realize this thread was a few weeks old. Any updates?


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