i can't really think of how to say it other than this grief really sucks. yesterday we had the birthday / anniversary for our first baby who died. he was fullterm stillborn 11 years ago after a ridiculously healthy and happy pregnancy and a stupid unpreventable cord accident. we went to a party over the weekend for a friends son who was born the day after mine, and although most of the year i guess i am used to life how it is now but, january always gets me down, and it's just strange to see this big crazy kid that is the same size as mine should be and see how my next 2 kids are missing a big brother. and i realize what is missing and how my family will always be one shy, and how far i still am from the mama i wanted to be even though i know how important it is and how precious they are.
then today my 13 year old dog who was my most loyal friend during my initial grief and has been an awesome protective auntie and play pal to my kids took a major downhill turn with pain meds not working, her falling and crying. things really hit the fan after normal vet hours of course, and we live 30 minutes from anyplace anyway, and i knew the car ride would really stress her out even more. the whole thing sucked. we got her to sleep with benadryl and it just seems like if life were fair and just this good old girl would just go peacefully in her sleep. but i am well aware that life is not necessarily fair or just and that i may have to deal with this in the morning. my kids are grieving like crazy, crying and sad, we all are. i even saw my husband crying which i haven't seen since he saw our dead baby, but he says he is going to work womorrow, and i wonder how i am supposed to deal with this?
i guess i should be glad she is resting now and seems at peace, and i am. i just never thought i'd have to make such a decision. i assumed that nature would take it's course, but nature can be drawn out and cruel. i think i thought people put dogs down for their own convenience, but no matter how inconvenient her old age and sickness have been that isn't what this is about. i am watching my friend get very old and her legs are quitting on her and her body hurts but her heart still keeps pumping, and i have tried to tell her goodbye and that we will love her always and miss her but we'll be ok so her spirit can go, but so far she hangs on.
its exhausting and i feel so old and tired and i can see my body is going in and out of this numb self defense place becaause this just sucks.
i should rest while she is because it is late and i may need my strength later.
i ask anyone who believes in prayer to pray that Lug passes peacefully soon and to send good thoughts our way. she deserves it. thanks.