I've found a few sites online since my last post, although my computer crashed and I have to readd all of my links, that I guess might help. I think the stuff there will be of help down the road, more indepth stuff, but right now it just helps to sit and bawl, reading stories of women who feel like this. I was just amazed that I had to really dig to find the stuff I found. It's like grief is one of the last taboo topics in our society, and you have to really dig before you find these groups of so many people who know this kind of pain. That sucks.
It's still the same with me, not that much time has passed for anything to change. Yesterday was strange. We were driving past a bus stop, and a woman with long dark hair was fixing her coat or something; just the hair, her shape, the way she was moving, for a split second I thought oh, there's Mom! And then it hits again, the it's not her and will never be her. I didn't expect the denial stage to be this long. I wish people had spent more time teaching me about real stuff, like grief and loss, instead of other pointless classes I can't remember in high school. Other cultures seem to see at as part of education, to be sure kids know about death and mourning, but we seem to hide it until it blows up in our faces. I know I'll be teaching my kids, and I have been trying to while I work through this. My youngest doesn't really get it, but my daughter is 10, and is quite upset still. I've stayed away from getting too indepth with her, just let her know it's okay to be as sad or angry, whatever, as she needs to be, and to also try and remember some things she loved about Mom, as well as some of our personal beliefs about death and beyond. It seems to be helping her a lot. I seem to be able to help everyone with this, except for me.
I've noticed I'm a real airhead still. Is this normal? I mean, I forget EVERYTHING these days. It seems like the days just melt into each other, and I never remember birthdays or events or appointments. Our doctor told us I had suffered serious shock, and that those symptoms combined with grief could last some time, but he never said how long. And of course, I always forget to ask, just like I forget everything else.
I still am just as bad with going to call Mom to tell her things. I see things and think oh, Mom would like that, her birthday is coming up! or something. I'm starting my second book of letters, I just write to her when I want to talk to her. It helps a bit. Like the PP, it's SO hard to be without my sounding board; she always had all the answers, or at least was able to steer me towards them. When I read over the letters later, I often come to the sort of answer she might have given me. At least I can vent, and feel like I said what I needed to say to her, if nothing else. I was without a computer for a week or so, but I'm going to continue searching for some sort of viable therapy options. Right now, my self-therapy keeps me going at least, even if some of my little rituals seems strange to other people.
I can't stand eating fruit...that sounds so silly, doesn't it? She was really restricted in her diet, with diabetes and kidney failure, and she loved fresh fruit. She could rarely afford it in her earlier years, and when she could afford it, it was mostly a no-no. My husband has brought home fruits etc. that I loved, and it seriously makes me ill to think of eating it. I guess part of it is guilt, since she couldn't/can't enjoy what she loved, and it also just reminds me of her being sick, things she had to give up. Just seeing it in the fridge gags me.
I always sing my kids to sleep, so now I sing songs to Mom while I sing to them, I pick ones that say a bit about how I feel, mostly country and ballads. The kids like those songs, and only I know that I'm singing to Mom as well as my kids. Well, you guys all know now.
It feels like a little release too, since I feel like each song is a way of talking to her, telling her how I'm feeling, and the kids also seem to like hearing "her songs" - like they think they were written for Mom, and it lets them know it's okay to think about her, and that good things (music) can be found in sadness, and it also lets them know that if Mommy seems sad, it's not their fault, I just miss Mom - we've always used music to communicate in our family, we make CDs of songs to let people know how we feel about them all the time, stuff like that. We can relate through that, like it speaks when we can't find the words. My daughter has had nice dreams of her while thinking of some of the songs.
My posts are so long, I'm sorry for that. I just think of her so much. I wonder if I'll ever be at a place where I don't see her or think of her with every other thing I see or hear...or maybe it will just make me smile, instead of cry. I'm sending lots of hugs and peaceful vibes to the rest of you ladies.