i've definitely given up the idea of doing this through the court right now. later on, when dh and i are more settled (financially and emotionally), it might be a different story, but i doubt it. also, i'm starting to accept that my ideal way of dealing with the situation (learning to understand and care for each other) isn't something that ex wants or is ready to do.
These aren't going to be as substantial as showing a court petition (there are services everywhere that will be available to you for free, try "friend of the court" or "family court"). If you know you aren't ready to actually have a trial or something, just make the effort, it will show your interest in your daughter for the future, when you're ready for a bigger fight.
I just went through this with my sister. Her ex's inability to PROOVE legally that he tried to see their son was good proof against him getting custody. So don't let that happen to you!!
I hope that helps. A registered letter every month or two is easy, and not expensive. It also won't be disruptive for dd.
I'm not trying to be preachy, I just believe you deserve every chance you can get!
Could you write your dd letters or draw her pictures or something - do you think ex would give them to her - something so she knows you are thinking of her and loving her. Even if you had to keep those things with you for now and give them to her later when you and ex have worked something out?
Good luck, mama. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
A little more of my two cents...I doubt you'll ever get your ex into therapy. He doesn't seem interested in working anything out. Just focus on working on yourself and finding a legal path that will get you the right to be with your dd, even if she doesn't live with you.
I think you need to fight for your DD's sake. To pull away to "work on yourself" tells her she's not important enough to fight for. While I understand that things must be very hard right now, and it must be very difficult to see her in that environment, you are her mama and she still NEEDS you. To leave her to be with your "new" family must be very hurtful to her. Far more hurtful, and deep, than being on bad terms with her dad.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, i just really can't imagine deciding to give up seeing my child, espeically one so young. She's still just a baby.
(((hugs))) for you and your DD.
Christine, mama to Daniel & Abby, 9 and Patrick, 4. Wife to a rockin' train engineer. Gluten and nightshade-free. Multiple kiddie food sensitivities.
Mom to my little super hero (02/06) and our super hero-in-training (11/11).
dh and i -- after a lot of discussion -- have decided to stay in mb. i'm contacting a lawyer this week to ask questions about the TDC petition. i don't know that i want to fight -- i even hate that word : FIGHT ... but i do want to keep my options open.
also, i've started writing letters to dd and i think it's the best thing i've done for myself in a while. it's forced me to be with my grief in a way i just haven't been letting myself. i said in one letter: " i get so scared and sad that sometimes i don't know how to do anything -- not even cook dinner or go for a walk. a lot of times my brain turns itself off and i don't know how to do anything because if it's on, all i can think about is my baby girl and how much i miss you! when i do that, i'm so sad that all i can do is cry and cry until my brain turns off again." ... and this is the perfect way to describe what's been happening to me in the past 7months.
i have an appointment on the 19th at the mental health center to try to find someone to help me deal with my depression. i have no idea how to pull out of this on my own. i know i need help -- i just haven't known where to turn or had the strength to ask someone. hopefully, that's going to change and i can get back to being me again. i know that's the only way i can be any good for dd, ds, dh or myself.
thank you all again. i don't really have anyone IRL to talk to about this, so MDC has been an amazing outlet. opening this up has helped me realize a lot of things and bring them into the open (like that i feel resentful to dh because he's been dealing w/this by cutting off a lot of his feelings about it and hasn't really put much thought into what we should do)
any advice has been so helpful -- especially really practical stuff (like the TDC petition thing). I would love any more suggestions, etc. especially on depression and grief ... i really need to pull myself out of this hole. i don't like crying every day. i don't like feeling like the future is bleak no matter what i do. i don't like feeling angry all the time. . . i want my life back!
oh, and also, i think i might try writing more letters to ex -- maybe to his family. even if he doesn't know how to listen and understand, i think i'll feel better if i try to do my best to communicate. i feel so guilty for just dropping off the face of the earth for the past two months. i stopped talking because he wasn't listening -- but now i still feel just as bad as i did when he wasn't listening, but i can only blame myself. also, i want dd to understand (later on) that i did try to talk to her dad. i'll keep copies of my letters and let her see them one day . . .
If you are writing letters about your own grief, that sounds very healing. But I would write those, and then put them in a drawer just for you. Letters you actually send to your little girl will probably be most helpful to her if they are positive and upbeat and spilling over with your love for her. Tell her about the people who were in her life before she moved, funny stories, draw little pictures for her, ask her questions about how she's doing and if such-and-such is still her favorite story and has she gone swimming yet now that it's hot outside ...
|If you are writing letters about your own grief, that sounds very healing. But I would write those, and then put them in a drawer just for you. Letters you actually send to your little girl will probably be most helpful to her if they are positive and upbeat and spilling over with your love for her. Tell her about the people who were in her life before she moved, funny stories, draw little pictures for her, ask her questions about how she's doing and if such-and-such is still her favorite story and has she gone swimming yet now that it's hot outside ...|
to those of you who have given such great advice, especially those of you in the industry.
But if you fight for her, she'll understand someday that you love her and it will be easier to ask YOU about your decisions rather than getting only her dad's take on the situation. You owe it to your DD to let her hear your side, when she's ready, and to be there for her in the meantime.
IMO parents shouldn't be allowed to throw in the towel. And I don't just mean you, at all! I mean all parents. They/we should put aside our own crap and see our children as much as we can, so they know we support them. I think it's really the least we can do for these children we've been entrusted with.
Of course, it's also much easier said than done! But think about it.
mama! I'm truly sorry you're hurting and feeling hopeless!
Then make your choices based on that and your love for her, and nothing else.
devilish_fetish, you've put a lot of time and effort into your post and offered some great info/resources! That's very kind.
that was a very thoughtful post, DF.
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