dd lost in custody battle ... six months and i don't know how to heal - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 50 Old 06-19-2007, 09:44 PM
 
gretelmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: malibu, ca
Posts: 744
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by josephine_e View Post
i've definitely given up the idea of doing this through the court right now. later on, when dh and i are more settled (financially and emotionally), it might be a different story, but i doubt it. also, i'm starting to accept that my ideal way of dealing with the situation (learning to understand and care for each other) isn't something that ex wants or is ready to do.
In order to get any sort of custody in the future, you may need to show legally substantial evidence that you HAVE tried to see her, have tried for visitation, custody, etc... Even if you don't go through the courts, you should have registered letters sent to his home, save the proof of them being sent/received, and copies of those letters, dated.

These aren't going to be as substantial as showing a court petition (there are services everywhere that will be available to you for free, try "friend of the court" or "family court"). If you know you aren't ready to actually have a trial or something, just make the effort, it will show your interest in your daughter for the future, when you're ready for a bigger fight.

I just went through this with my sister. Her ex's inability to PROOVE legally that he tried to see their son was good proof against him getting custody. So don't let that happen to you!!

I hope that helps. A registered letter every month or two is easy, and not expensive. It also won't be disruptive for dd.

I'm not trying to be preachy, I just believe you deserve every chance you can get!
gretelmom is offline  
#32 of 50 Old 06-21-2007, 03:04 PM
 
Kindermama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: she's only happy in the Son
Posts: 2,629
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry you are missing your little girl. I can only imagine how much you are hurting.

Do not give up on your dd....don't! :

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
Kindermama is offline  
#33 of 50 Old 06-29-2007, 07:30 PM
 
Valkyrie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Idaho
Posts: 2,171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohblueeyes View Post
Could you write your dd letters or draw her pictures or something - do you think ex would give them to her - something so she knows you are thinking of her and loving her. Even if you had to keep those things with you for now and give them to her later when you and ex have worked something out?
Poor mama, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I don't have much advice on the custody situation, but I would encourage you to start writing your DD letters. I don't think you should send them now, but some day she'll want to know about this time in her life. She'll have a lot of questions as to why things happened the way they did, and being able to hear your words as you were living them would give her so much perspective. It would help her know the "you" that you are right now. She would know how desperately you wanted to be with her, how deeply you love her.

Good luck, mama. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Valkyrie9 is offline  
#34 of 50 Old 06-30-2007, 02:08 AM
 
riversong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,783
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry, mama. This situation sounds so hard. I just wanted to echo the comments not to give up fighting for the right to be in your dd's life. Please pursue all of your legal options, even if it's exhausting. You sound like a very loving mother and I'm sure your dd wants you in her life despite all the tension between you and her dad.

A little more of my two cents...I doubt you'll ever get your ex into therapy. He doesn't seem interested in working anything out. Just focus on working on yourself and finding a legal path that will get you the right to be with your dd, even if she doesn't live with you.
riversong is offline  
#35 of 50 Old 06-30-2007, 04:18 AM
 
DanAbimytwomiracle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 365
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This will sound harsh I think.
I think you need to fight for your DD's sake. To pull away to "work on yourself" tells her she's not important enough to fight for. While I understand that things must be very hard right now, and it must be very difficult to see her in that environment, you are her mama and she still NEEDS you. To leave her to be with your "new" family must be very hurtful to her. Far more hurtful, and deep, than being on bad terms with her dad.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, i just really can't imagine deciding to give up seeing my child, espeically one so young. She's still just a baby.

(((hugs))) for you and your DD.

Christine, mama to Daniel & Abby, 9 and Patrick, 4. Wife to a rockin' train engineer. Gluten and nightshade-free. Multiple kiddie food sensitivities.

DanAbimytwomiracle is offline  
#36 of 50 Old 06-30-2007, 01:10 PM
 
RachelGS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: In a state of perpetual disbelief
Posts: 6,509
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She needs you, mama. She does. Don't give up. Find that space within yourself that knows how to fight for your baby and do it.

RachelGS is offline  
#37 of 50 Old 07-01-2007, 12:05 AM
 
wendizbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 900
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to chime in and say whatever choices you make (regarding where you live, career, whatever), DO NOT EVER give up on your little girl. This is from someone who's father shut her out emotionally for 15 years due to the pain of me moving away with my mother (like I had a choice in the matter). Always let her know that you love her and want to be a part of her life.
That's all

Wendi

Mom to my little super hero superhero.gif (02/06) and our super hero-in-training femalesling.GIF (11/11).

wendizbaby is offline  
#38 of 50 Old 07-02-2007, 12:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
josephine_e's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 313
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
UPDATE

dh and i -- after a lot of discussion -- have decided to stay in mb. i'm contacting a lawyer this week to ask questions about the TDC petition. i don't know that i want to fight -- i even hate that word : FIGHT ... but i do want to keep my options open.

also, i've started writing letters to dd and i think it's the best thing i've done for myself in a while. it's forced me to be with my grief in a way i just haven't been letting myself. i said in one letter: " i get so scared and sad that sometimes i don't know how to do anything -- not even cook dinner or go for a walk. a lot of times my brain turns itself off and i don't know how to do anything because if it's on, all i can think about is my baby girl and how much i miss you! when i do that, i'm so sad that all i can do is cry and cry until my brain turns off again." ... and this is the perfect way to describe what's been happening to me in the past 7months.

i have an appointment on the 19th at the mental health center to try to find someone to help me deal with my depression. i have no idea how to pull out of this on my own. i know i need help -- i just haven't known where to turn or had the strength to ask someone. hopefully, that's going to change and i can get back to being me again. i know that's the only way i can be any good for dd, ds, dh or myself.

thank you all again. i don't really have anyone IRL to talk to about this, so MDC has been an amazing outlet. opening this up has helped me realize a lot of things and bring them into the open (like that i feel resentful to dh because he's been dealing w/this by cutting off a lot of his feelings about it and hasn't really put much thought into what we should do)

any advice has been so helpful -- especially really practical stuff (like the TDC petition thing). I would love any more suggestions, etc. especially on depression and grief ... i really need to pull myself out of this hole. i don't like crying every day. i don't like feeling like the future is bleak no matter what i do. i don't like feeling angry all the time. . . i want my life back!

oh, and also, i think i might try writing more letters to ex -- maybe to his family. even if he doesn't know how to listen and understand, i think i'll feel better if i try to do my best to communicate. i feel so guilty for just dropping off the face of the earth for the past two months. i stopped talking because he wasn't listening -- but now i still feel just as bad as i did when he wasn't listening, but i can only blame myself. also, i want dd to understand (later on) that i did try to talk to her dad. i'll keep copies of my letters and let her see them one day . . .
josephine_e is offline  
#39 of 50 Old 07-02-2007, 01:02 AM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,867
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mama, I'm so glad you're going to stick arounds and be in your daughter's life. One word of caution, though - before sending anything to your daughter, ex, or his family - please, please, plase have a lawyer, a counselor, or an even headed friend read the letters. I only say that because I would imagine that, if your ex is anything like you describe him, anything you write will end up in the hands of his lawyers. So, while I think it's absoloutely essential that you do write letters/try to call, etc - it's also important that something you say can't be turned against you to make you look unstable or vindictive. Lawyers are good at twisting words - that's part of what they get paid to do.
eclipse is offline  
#40 of 50 Old 07-02-2007, 03:01 PM
 
Thalia the Muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,829
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree -- you definitely need to talk to Legal Aid or similar so that there is someone to help you set up visitation and, hopefully, joint custody of some kind.

If you are writing letters about your own grief, that sounds very healing. But I would write those, and then put them in a drawer just for you. Letters you actually send to your little girl will probably be most helpful to her if they are positive and upbeat and spilling over with your love for her. Tell her about the people who were in her life before she moved, funny stories, draw little pictures for her, ask her questions about how she's doing and if such-and-such is still her favorite story and has she gone swimming yet now that it's hot outside ...
Thalia the Muse is offline  
#41 of 50 Old 07-02-2007, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
josephine_e's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 313
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
If you are writing letters about your own grief, that sounds very healing. But I would write those, and then put them in a drawer just for you. Letters you actually send to your little girl will probably be most helpful to her if they are positive and upbeat and spilling over with your love for her. Tell her about the people who were in her life before she moved, funny stories, draw little pictures for her, ask her questions about how she's doing and if such-and-such is still her favorite story and has she gone swimming yet now that it's hot outside ...
oh, oops .. i wasn't clear about this. the letters i'm writing aren't for me to send to her now -- they're for her when she's grown (if she wants to see them). and, yes, for me in the mean time. sorry about the lack of clarity.
josephine_e is offline  
#42 of 50 Old 07-02-2007, 06:30 PM
 
Valkyrie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Idaho
Posts: 2,171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You sound like you've turned a corner: way to go, Mama! Have faith in yourself--you've made it this far, and you can go all the way. One day you'll be back in your daughter's life and you will be thankful every single minute that you hung in there and fought!
Valkyrie9 is offline  
#43 of 50 Old 07-04-2007, 06:00 PM
 
Grettal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so glad to hear that you have decided to stay for your DD and to do the things necessary to get your strength back and be a part of her life. She deserves that. The stress she might feel from tension between you and ex isn't even close in the pain she feels or could feel if you don't focus on being in her life. You are her mama.. You have rights.. be strong..

FT mom, FT wife & FT employee.. DS - 11-2004 and second DC due 7-2010
Grettal is offline  
#44 of 50 Old 07-06-2007, 07:42 PM
 
CorbinsMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: MO
Posts: 1,724
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
to the OP. Keep fighting for you baby. "Fighting" doesn't have to have a bad connotation. Think of it as "triumphing"! And, please, send everything by registered mail so, as a PP said, you can prove that you tried to keep in
contact.

to those of you who have given such great advice, especially those of you in the industry.
CorbinsMama is offline  
#45 of 50 Old 10-19-2007, 03:46 PM
 
paphia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: nicely spaced out
Posts: 1,531
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to offer you some support! This is a huge struggle you are going through and I hope that you find your way through, one step at a time, to where you and your daughter are able to openly share your love for one another. I cannot imagine the intense pain of having a child taken from me like that. It's just so sad and wrong. You are a beautiful, wonderful mother, and it really shows your character that you are trying so hard to be kind and loving after the world has been so hateful towards you. Stay strong.

Mom to DD ('06) and DS ('08)
paphia is offline  
#46 of 50 Old 10-19-2007, 05:19 PM
 
mrskennedy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,694
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you need to work on caring more about what your DD thinks of you than what your x thinks! He can hate you all he wants, and yes, that will effect your DD.

But if you fight for her, she'll understand someday that you love her and it will be easier to ask YOU about your decisions rather than getting only her dad's take on the situation. You owe it to your DD to let her hear your side, when she's ready, and to be there for her in the meantime.

IMO parents shouldn't be allowed to throw in the towel. And I don't just mean you, at all! I mean all parents. They/we should put aside our own crap and see our children as much as we can, so they know we support them. I think it's really the least we can do for these children we've been entrusted with.

Of course, it's also much easier said than done! But think about it.

mama! I'm truly sorry you're hurting and feeling hopeless!
mrskennedy is offline  
#47 of 50 Old 10-19-2007, 05:29 PM
 
mrskennedy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,694
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
"i am terrified that dd will feel abandoned. this keeps me up many nights and makes me want to just crawl in a hole and die! ...."

Then make your choices based on that and your love for her, and nothing else.
mrskennedy is offline  
#48 of 50 Old 10-19-2007, 06:04 PM
 
mrskennedy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,694
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
devilish_fetish, you've put a lot of time and effort into your post and offered some great info/resources! That's very kind.
mrskennedy is offline  
#49 of 50 Old 10-19-2007, 06:13 PM
 
mrskennedy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,694
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by josephine_e View Post
oh, oops .. i wasn't clear about this. the letters i'm writing aren't for me to send to her now -- they're for her when she's grown (if she wants to see them). and, yes, for me in the mean time. sorry about the lack of clarity.
So glad to hear this! Stay strong, mama! Keep writing and working through this for yourself, and stay strong for DD.
mrskennedy is offline  
#50 of 50 Old 10-19-2007, 09:43 PM
 
Tracy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: "It's Chinatown, Jake"
Posts: 12,470
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrskennedy View Post
devilish_fetish, you've put a lot of time and effort into your post and offered some great info/resources! That's very kind.
i just was thinking the same thing.

that was a very thoughtful post, DF.

Check out New Moon on my Astrology Site

http://tracyastrosalon.blogspot.com/

 

Tracy is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off