My neighbor's baby died last night... - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-09-2007, 04:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She was "perfectly healthy" and we have no idea what happened. The mom said she put the baby in a car seat (in the house) and went outside to smoke a cigarette. When she came back the baby was unresponsive.

I want to do something for them but I have no idea what to do. They aren't home right now, I think they're staying at a hotel. The police have been in and out all morning. I'm guessing they'll be back soon. They have two older daughters, I think 10yo and 12yo. They adored their sister. She was only 4 months old. If my husband wasn't out of town I wouldn't hesitate to bring over food and just offer a shoulder, but with him gone I would have to take our baby and I just don't think that is appropriate. Would leaving something on their doorstep be okay? Maybe cookies? I'm at a total loss. I want her to know we're all thinking of them, and I don't want to be intrusive.

Help me here...I am so sad and I want to help in some way.
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:03 PM
 
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I am sorry about your neighbor's baby
ita that taking your dc over may not be the best idea....maybe a card/note offering to watch their older dc if they need to make arrangements, or offer to bring over dinner?
It is so difficult to know what to do in these situations.....love & light to all of you....xo

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Old 07-13-2007, 09:03 PM
 
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Some things that helped when Ruby died were for people to bring over food, notes, grocery or fast food gift certificates, watching our older daughter, offering to help clean the house. Those were really helpful, especially the grocery store gift cards, it was less for us to have to worry about.

Blessings,

Denise
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Old 07-13-2007, 09:06 PM
 
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Oh, dear, your poor poor neighbors. My heart goes out to them. My suggestion (what I would do) is bring something over (food, most likely) and offer to watch their two older girls for a little while. I'm sure the mom and dad would appreciate a little time to talk.

Peaceful mama to three blissfully-birthed and incredible small people: dd10, dd7 and ds5. Always awed and so thankful to be a midwife.
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Old 07-15-2007, 02:14 AM
 
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Young babies should not be left in carseats. It is documented that the blood oxygen saturation level goes down. That combined with a smoking household and perhaps a physically compromised (but undiagnosed) baby could create a SIDS-type scenario. That said, I have lost a baby and my heart goes out to anyone who does.
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Old 07-15-2007, 03:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama View Post
Young babies should not be left in carseats. It is documented that the blood oxygen saturation level goes down....

OMG. That's scary. I had no idea!

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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Old 07-15-2007, 03:56 PM
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OMG. That's scary. I had no idea!
that is part of the reason why preemies and babies in the NICU have to pass a car seat test before going home.
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:16 PM
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4 months old! Poor baby! I would bet my money that she is one of the countless victims of vaccination. There is a definate link between vaccines and SIDS. Did she vaccinate her at 4 months?
Poor baby...
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:19 PM
 
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the poor mommy and daddy, their hearts must be just breaking

i cant imagine
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Old 07-15-2007, 04:31 PM
 
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As a mother who has lost a child under very difficult circumstances (suicide) I'm very upset by the threads speculating about how, why, and even going as far as placing subtle blame on the mother.

When our daughter died, dealing with our pain and loss was horrible enough. Knowing that others were making assumptions or speculating about her death added to our pain. The rumor mill further fueled our nightmare.

I would caution those making speculations to hold their tongues. This thread is about grief, sorrow, coming to terms with one of the worst types of loss a parent can suffer.

While the mother of this babe may never read the hurtful words here, they serve no purpose. Please offer support and love not speculation and judgment. It helps no one and will likely add to the pain the OP is already feeling.

A little tenderness goes a long, long way...

:
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Old 07-15-2007, 05:06 PM
 
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Dragonfly, I'm so sorry!

FTR, I didn't know that about carseats either. But my ds didn't spend a lot of time in one.

Is it the position? Similar to sleeping position re sids? I can't believe I never heard this.

That poor woman must be racked with guilt.:

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Old 07-15-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

I think the best thing you can do is let them know you're thinking about them. I don't know if 10 adn 12yos really need to be "watched" unless they have special needs. I'd send them grocery or take-out GC, or send over an easily frozen meal. Could you send it with another neighbor, or get somebody to watch your baby while you bring it over?

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 07-15-2007, 05:12 PM
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Dragonfly, I'm very very sorry for your loss . To loose a child is indeed the most horrible lost of all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post
While the mother of this babe may never read the hurtful words here, they serve no purpose...
me mentioning that the baby could has died after receiven the 4 months shots, could help some other mamas who were not aware of dangers of vaccination to begin their research on the subject and possibly save their babies...
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Old 07-15-2007, 05:19 PM
 
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Some helpful things to do-

A box with napkins, toilet paper, paper plates, plastic silverware, cups, kleenex all come in very handy with family and friends coming and going. Less cleanup for the family who won't even be able to focus on it anyway.

Notepads, pens, thank you cards, return address labels, stamps for list making, notes of thanks, etc.

Journals and pens for the older kids.

Books on grief - if you want names of some good ones, let me know.

They may need someone to watch the kids while they make funeral arrangements. It's hard enough on adults let alone kids.

If they own their hone, a rose bush and flower seeds for a garden in their dd's memory. Mine provides a place of solice and something to nuture and care for..

Information on grief support groups available in your area. Compassionate Friends is one of the best and has been the lifeline of many grieving parents.

****

On the vax side- advocate away. I'm all for it. Just try not to do it on a thread about a baby who just died. Again, it's speculation and it is hurtful. I understand your intent, I really do. This just isn't the place.

:
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Old 07-15-2007, 09:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We put together a meal for them and my husband took it over this afternoon. It had a frozen lasagna, garlic bread, salad and a dessert. We figured it might make life a little easier if all they have to do is toss something in the oven. They leave tonight to go to Virginia for the funeral and will be back next week. I plan to get her a journal and maybe a book about grief. I'd love recommendations.

I don't know why this baby died, but my husband will forever be haunted by the sound of the mother screaming as paramedics tried to revive her baby (I was unaware that anything was happening, the TV was on). I am grateful to learn about car seat hazards, I have been known to bring my son in from the car and let him continue sleeping. From now on I will take him out. Thank you all for your suggestions!
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Old 07-29-2007, 06:47 PM
 
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I am so sorry for that mother's loss.

I wanted to say thank you to the PP who posted about car seat hazards. I had no idea, and I had been letting my 2-week-old sleep in his car seat for some of his daytime naps. How scary.
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Old 08-11-2007, 04:10 PM
 
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I would take over a casserole or lasagna. And a card.

Homebirthing, homeschooling AP, gardening maniac running a working farm. No circ, no vax, no cable TV. EC'd and CD'd, tandem BF'd.  Cheese and soap making goat and child herder.
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama View Post
Young babies should not be left in carseats. It is documented that the blood oxygen saturation level goes down. That combined with a smoking household and perhaps a physically compromised (but undiagnosed) baby could create a SIDS-type scenario. That said, I have lost a baby and my heart goes out to anyone who does.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yulia_R View Post
4 months old! Poor baby! I would bet my money that she is one of the countless victims of vaccination. There is a definate link between vaccines and SIDS. Did she vaccinate her at 4 months?
Poor baby...
Oh my goodness. Could this not be posted on the family safety board? Have a heart people.

I am so sorry for what that mother is going through. : :

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:27 AM
 
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Poor family. Poor baby. :

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:12 PM
 
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Having just lost a baby myself around the same age what helped me the most is just people letting me know they were thinking of me and praying for me. Maybe offer to come over one day and just spend sometime with her allowing her to talk about what happened as much as she needs too. If you would please give her my yahoo im id and email addy. Let her know that I just went through the same thing and would love to talk to her when she is ready. Yahoo is DJ_Princess78 and email is [email protected]. Also my phone # is 270-317-0348. I know she doesn't know me but we share in worst thing that can ever happen to a person and maybe we can heal togather. Another thing that really helped me is try not to treat her weird or be weird about your baby (if you have one) around her. That made me feel real uncomfrontable when people would act weird around me like they were walking on egg shells. Does that make sense. Hugs and Prayers to her and her family. I am here if she ever needs me!
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:37 PM
 
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Katyprincess2 - Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. :
Is that your daughter in the photo? She's beautiful and looks so happy.

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
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Old 08-15-2007, 04:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yulia_R View Post
me mentioning that the baby could has died after receiven the 4 months shots, could help some other mamas who were not aware of dangers of vaccination to begin their research on the subject and possibly save their babies...
Actually, it's as rude and tacky as telling a parent whose child died of whooping cough that they'd have been fine if they'd just have given him the pertussis vaccine. It's inappropriate for this forum.

OP: The one thing I've heard over and over from people who have lost a child is that it makes them feel better to know that people haven't forgotten their child as time goes by.
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