My husband committed suicide last month - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My h had so many problems and he refused to get help. We had a pretty rocky last few months, he was abusive and was escalating to the point that the night I left with my daughters (July 8th into the 9th) he was standing next to our bed with the most evil look on his face that I'd ever seen in my life and him screaming and pointing at me and calling me an f-ing bit@h and a c*nt. I was so afraid of him at that point that once he left for work, I called my mom and was out of there. I keep thinking that all he had to do was reach down and choke me, or start beating on me and I couldn't get away, since I was laying in bed with my girls around me. It could've gone so bad.

It was getting to the point that my 2 year old was afraid of him, hiding under tables when he'd rage, and coming to me covering her ears. It was not a healthy situation for my dd's to be in. Earlier that day, he had taken my car keys (which I later found), my zoloft, and my cell phone, telling me that I couldn't have them b/c I wasn't living up to my end of our marriage.

I went to get a pfa on July 11th and he was served that night. We stopped getting phone calls from him after that; my mom's boyfriend and one of my brothers went to my home on the 12th to get the carseats back (he came and took them away the day before I got the pfa) but there was no answer. I thought that maybe he was still asleep from working and he didn't hear us as he was a pretty heavy sleeper.

We left and didn't hear anything until the 15th when the police called my mom's house asking if I'd heard from him and when I said no, they asked if I had a key and I told them that I did and they asked if I could meet them at the station.

I took 2 of my brothers with me and when we got there, the officer told me that a friend of his called them b/c he had been trying to get hold of my h on his cell phone but he never answered. I was pretty much sure of the fact that he killed himself b/c he never not answered his cell.

We go up to the house and the police made us wait outside; after a while, they came out and told me that my h had indeed killed himself. He hung himself in his weightroom. He left a note that they took and wrote a note on a picture of our girls that he had with him. They said that he had been down there a couple of days. I never imagined that he'd kill himself. I'm guessing he must've done it right after he got the pfa.

My neighbors told me that everyone on our block heard him screaming and carrying on. We had one call the police a couple of weeks before he killed himself. They told me that since they hadn't seen our cars move, they thought that it was the girls and myself who had been killed. When they saw me the day the police found him, they told me that they were getting ready to call the police because they were so worried.

His family, who doesn't like me and hasn't talked to him in over a year or more, didn't speak to me at the funeral; I guess they blame me for what happened. Now they're calling almost everyday, they want some of his things; quite frankly, I don't think my h would've wanted them to have any of it. They treated him badly, his step dad threatened to beat him over the head with a 2x4 a few months before this, and his mom threatened to hit him while he was holding our middle child before she was a year old.

I have been staying with my girls at my mom's house and will be until I finish nursing school in 2009. I can't go back to my home, I mean I've gone back to get some things, but it seems so empty and sad there and I can't go into our basement.

My girls are doing well, the oldest is 4 and she understands a little bit; she's angry b/c he died, she doesn't know what he did, I told her that daddy had an accident. My other 2, who are 2 and the baby just turned 1 on July 28th, don't understand.

I still can't believe that he did what he did. I find myself being angry at him for taking away our girls father, for not being strong enough to get the help that I had told him so many times that he need; for him blaming me for every problem that he had.

I just wanted to post this here b/c I know that some people have followed my story on the parents as partners board and didn't think or know if I should post it there.

Thanks for reading.....it's weird knowing that I'm a widow at the age of 30 and that my daughters no longer have a dad who will never see them grow up, graduate from high school and college, or walk them down the aisle if they get married. But then again, he may not have stayed around as I was getting ready to leave him anyway. I just wonder how many other people blame me for what happened.

It's weird b/c in a way, I haven't been crying or feel very sad; I guess I feel relief; relief for an end to his abuse, relief for him b/c maybe now he finally has peace from whatever demons he had going on inside of his head.

Jessica, dizzy.gifmom to 3 little ladiesjumpers.gif and babygirl.gif babyboy.gif twins who can't figure out where her avatar came from.

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#2 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 11:26 AM
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I am so so so sorry mama.
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#3 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 11:27 AM
 
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Wow, what a tragedy all the way around. I don't really know what to say. I'm relieved for you that you are out of an abusive situation, but so sad for you and your family that it had to be at the expense of his life. I hope he is at peace.

I will be praying for peace for you and your girls.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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#4 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 11:29 AM
 
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s: I can't imagine how your family must be feeling right now. I'll be thinking of you.
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#5 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 11:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Another thing that bothers me is not knowing the exact date the he died, they just said that his date of death was July 15th, when he was found; even though it was apparent that he had been dead for a few days. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. I guess cause it's not "right."

He even used the carseats to prop open the door to the room he hung himself in, and had told my brothers in one of his last messages that the carseats aren't in the van, that they are in the basement...I guess he wanted us to find him.

I keep thinking of his last moments over and over, keep trying to figure out what was going on in his mind, why he didn't change it, why as he was getting things "ready" that he didn't think better of what he was doing. I keep imaging how it all played out, and what happened at the end.

Jessica, dizzy.gifmom to 3 little ladiesjumpers.gif and babygirl.gif babyboy.gif twins who can't figure out where her avatar came from.

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#6 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 11:35 AM
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I'm sorry. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
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#7 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 11:55 AM
 
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many s to you and the girls. I couldn't read without posting.
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#8 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:07 PM
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Just keep doing what you need to to keep your family strong...
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#9 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:09 PM
 
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I am sorry.
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#10 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:14 PM
 
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I am so sorry.

I work for an organization that provides support to people bereaved by suicide. I googled to see if there is a group in your area, and there is:

http://www.suicide.org/support-group...rt-groups.html

We have a researcher working with us who has surveyed a large number of suicide survivors as part of his research and they do say that talking to other survivors is helpful.

I wish there was something good to say--


Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#11 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:21 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

Kristin -- mom of Erin (11/5/02) and Leah (9/29/05)
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#12 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:28 PM
 
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I'm so, so sorry. I lost a close cousin to suicide in 1995. He'd have been 33 on Thursday.

You and your children are in my prayers.
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#13 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:40 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.  ~Albert Einstein
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#14 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:43 PM
 
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#15 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:47 PM
 
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Couldn't read with out posting. I'm so sorry that the last few months with him were so horrible. I hope that there are good memories too. Hugs to you Mama. You'll make it thru nursing school and you'll be one kick ass nurse. Hold your babies close and take the time to heal.

Pax, loving wife since 2001, Mother of DD1 (12) and DD2 (8 1/2). Entering our 5th year of Homeschooling: Eclectic mix of curriculum and child interest lead. Backyard urban chicken chasers.
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#16 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 12:59 PM
 
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catlvr976, I am so sorry. I can't imaging what you are going through.

Like the pp, I'm glad that you are no longer in the abusive situation. But I'm so sorry that THIS was the way out.

Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

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#17 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 01:09 PM
 
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You and your girls are in my thoughts, surrounded by love and peace.
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#18 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 01:12 PM
 
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#19 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 02:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your replies. And thanks for the link captain optimism, I'll have to check that out. I was wondering if there was a support group in my area.

It's hard to read books and things about suicide b/c they all seem geared to people that have had normal relationships--I haven't really found one that dealt with suicide after an abusive relationship and the feelings that it entails.

I do wish that things had turned out differently and do wish that I knew what he was thinking, and why he chose to end his life so alone. I know that I'm only human and can't save everyone, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just wish he wouldn't have been so stubborn and gotten the help he needed. He never talked about suicide, never gave any hints, or maybe he did but they were so subtle that I or anyone else he talked to, never saw them; this just came out of the blue.

Jessica, dizzy.gifmom to 3 little ladiesjumpers.gif and babygirl.gif babyboy.gif twins who can't figure out where her avatar came from.

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#20 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:03 PM
 
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#21 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:16 PM
 
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#22 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:25 PM
 
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You have my deepest condolences. It sounds like you're making the best of a tragic situation. I'm glad you and the girls are out of the abusive situation. It would have been nice to have a different outcome for your husband but in the end only he could get himself the help he needed. I wish you and your girls all the best in the years to come.

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
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#23 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:30 PM
 
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I'm so very, very sorry...
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#24 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita View Post
catlvr976, I am so sorry. I can't imaging what you are going through.

Like the pp, I'm glad that you are no longer in the abusive situation. But I'm so sorry that THIS was the way out.
What she said.

I'm so sorry.

for intuitive readings click here :
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#25 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:51 PM
 
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What a tragic situation... I'm glad you got away from the abuse you all were suffering, but I'm sorry that your H didn't get the help he needed... You and your DCs should look into counseling, too, to help you process all that has happened.

s best wishes!

Growing babies, fruits, veges, and chickens on our little urban homestead in the frozen north
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#26 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:54 PM
 
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This is a horrible situation to be in. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I hope your dh is a peace now and I hope that you find peace too.

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#27 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 03:54 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, it must be so confusing for you. I hope that time brings peace and comfort to you and your dds.
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#28 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 04:01 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for the loss for you and your children.
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#29 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 04:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by catlvr976 View Post
Thanks everyone for your replies. And thanks for the link captain optimism, I'll have to check that out. I was wondering if there was a support group in my area.

It's hard to read books and things about suicide b/c they all seem geared to people that have had normal relationships--I haven't really found one that dealt with suicide after an abusive relationship and the feelings that it entails.

I do wish that things had turned out differently and do wish that I knew what he was thinking, and why he chose to end his life so alone. I know that I'm only human and can't save everyone, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just wish he wouldn't have been so stubborn and gotten the help he needed. He never talked about suicide, never gave any hints, or maybe he did but they were so subtle that I or anyone else he talked to, never saw them; this just came out of the blue.
Hey mama, my dd's father, who abused me, hung himself on Christams Eve of 2006. I experienced a lot of what you are feeling... such a huge conflicting mess of emotions. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

to you and your girls.
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#30 of 81 Old 08-08-2007, 04:27 PM
 
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I am sorry about your loss. I wanted to let you know that I'm doing a walk for suicide prevention through outofthedarkness.org, maybe there is one in your area if you wanted to walk in his memory.

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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