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#121 of 140 Old 12-19-2007, 01:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
So sad tonight.
I'm sad tonight too. I wish I had some wonderfully comforting words I could offer you. It's just hard and there is no way around it.

Thanks for sharing the pictures of James. Such a happy guy!
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#122 of 140 Old 12-21-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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Hi there Mama. I just came upon this thread and wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. My darling daughter died when she was 8 months old.
I remember all the milestones, the monthly anniversaries, when she was gone 6 months, when she was gone longer htan she was here, 1 year, her birthday's...we just had her 5th birthday last weekend. It is still so hard.
The pain isn't as intenseor raw anymore, but it is still there.
I can completely relate to you when you say you forget what it feels like to hold him. I have forgotten that also. I have forgotten what it feels like to kiss her sweet neck and to smell her...it is so hard. Truly, no parent should have to bury their child.
Lots of hugs and love coming your way...be gentle with yourself. :

Kim, Mama to 4 and 1 more on the way!
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#123 of 140 Old 12-23-2007, 12:27 AM
 
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I'm so sorry for your's and you family's loss!
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#124 of 140 Old 12-23-2007, 01:36 AM
 
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I just came across this, I didnt go through all the posts. I am so sorry for your loss...My heart goes out to you and James' twin. I have identical twin girls and I cant imagine losing one of them. You are in my thoughts mama....

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#125 of 140 Old 12-23-2007, 02:01 PM
 
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Just saw this today...

We lost our daughter last May. She was just a couple months short of 5 years old. She also had a genetic disorder.

I wish I could tell you that there was something to help. No one can understand the unnatural grief of losing a child. The good days get you through the bad days and a friend that you can be utterly and completely honest with is your most valuable treasure.
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#126 of 140 Old 12-23-2007, 02:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
So sad tonight.

I was looking through photos, and I saw a beautiful picture of him running toward me, just about to fall into my arms....

...and I realized, I've forgotten what it feels like. I don't remember the feeling of him running into my arms. I know what it feels like when his brother runs into my arms, but James was different. And I can't recall it. I can't bring it back to my mind.

It's only been three months!

Feeling lonely and sad, that my beautiful boy was there for me to hold just a few months ago...and now he's ashes. And now I'm forgetting him.

I so desperately wish I could control my minds ability to remember those things. The touches and smells that no matter how badly I want to remember, I know they're fading. The feel of one ringlet wrapped around my index finger... the curve of the tip of her nose... her never used-baby soft hands. My greatest fear is that eventually, I'll only remember what is documented in photos.
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#127 of 140 Old 12-23-2007, 02:15 PM
 
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#128 of 140 Old 12-26-2007, 11:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post

Sometimes I'm flying along in a day and feeling very little sadness. Sometimes my brain seems to be okay with that. Sometimes, though, the feeling of being "light" immediately turns into a sinking feeling of guilt that I must not have loved him enough. Surely if I had loved him more, felt closer to him, I couldn't feel this "normal." I know enough logically to not believe those feelings, but feelings can take over your emotional self and then logic doesn't go very far. I just feel down.
oh, redoakmomma. Huge hugs to you. We lost our daughter just over 3 months ago, and I completely understand that feeling of feeling okay, and then intense guilt over it. And feeling like you mustn't have love him enough, because you couldn't possibly be functioning this soon afterwards. It's something I struggle with daily. Especially if I have a few good days in a row, I wonder if I'm 'over it', and wonder if I'm repressing everything, and will have to face it all again in a few years, when I'm really crazy from having grieved all wrong. (Now you all think I'm nuts!) Take the good days for what they are, blessed good days. The bad days will come, and you need them too, as I've learned, those are the times we connect with our kids. It's an intimate time to be alone with them, and give them our time. Grieving is different for everyone, and I think remembering good times, smiling at memories is part of it too.
I can't look at my daughter's ashes. I know what you mean about bone/teeth. It's too morbid for me, and I think I'd probably lose my mind to see it. One day, I'd like to scatter the ashes over a meaningful spot, but until then, they are in a drawer in my dresser, and I think about her often, and how unbelievable it is that my beautiful daughter has been reduced to ashes. It's unfathomable sometimes.

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Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
I know I should wait to give it to him, but it feels odd to be carrying the weight that particular "looking back on his life" all by myself. That probably sounds trivial, but for some reason it's heavy right now.
This doesn't sound odd to me. I hate when I'm feeling loaded down with the memories, and what ifs, and just grief of it all... I need to connect with my husband at times like that, and share what's suffocating me. Get it out, and have him hear me, and engage with me on the subject of our daughter. It feels good to talk about her, and I always feel better afterwards. I wonder if this is how it feels with your album?
You'll never forget him. Images, smells, and feelings will fade, as the pain does, but you will never, ever forget him. It just won't happen. Hugs to you. It is such a horrible journey to have to endure, but know you aren't alone. I take comfort in those around me who really do know how I'm feeling, and how desperate and meaningless things seem. Their presence makes me feel less alone, less lonely, and a little hopeful.
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#129 of 140 Old 12-29-2007, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's true what they say about the holidays...it just gets harder. I feel like I'm experiencing everything normally, but with a weight. Like I'm walking down the sidewalk dragging a 50 pound lead weight. It's still walking, but it's hard.

Christmas Eve, we had our youngest and were videotaping his first experience leaving cookies out for Santa. We've been reading him all kinds of books about Christmas, and he's just under two y.o., so what he's really grabbed onto is this idea that "I leave cookies out for Santa, and Santa puts presents in my stocking."

So anyway, we were making a big, big deal about leaving cookies and milk out and hanging stockings. He was having a great time. We left the cookies, then hung up his stocking, then ds1's stocking. And then, out of nowhere, our youngest asked "wheres James stocking?" "James stocking too?"

We went and got it, and hung it, but it sat there empty until the next morning.

I'm so struck by the fact that our youngest (22 months) remembered James at that moment, that he wanted to hang up ALL his brothers' stockings. He was just barely 19 months old when James died, and he seems to have moved on with almost no memories or effects of James' passing. Most days, if he talks about James at all, it's in the tone of voice that he'd talk about a friend that visited a while back, or a character in a book. But that night, Christmas Eve, he really seemed to recall that James was his brother. It was so beautiful and so sad.

I miss him. The other day I tripped in the kitchen while the kids were eating, and my mind prepared to hear James laughing (he thought slapstick stuff was Sssooooooooo funny). My heart shattered into a thousand pieces at the silence.

Thank you for the responses, Jord and mountainmummy and ksjwkr and everybody...some days I don't know what I would do without this thread. It's one of the only honest, open, blank places that's open to me...with all the pressures of kids and schedules, it's good to have a place to cry at 4:24 on a random Saturday. Anyway, thank you.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#130 of 140 Old 12-29-2007, 07:47 PM
 
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Oh Elisabeth your post tears at my heart. I watched your movie again, and once again James' mischievous smile makes my heart sing with joy he was here and shatter in an empty sky for his time having been so short. A mother should never lose her child. A boy should never lose his big brother. Wishing you strength and peace :
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#131 of 140 Old 12-30-2007, 10:09 AM
 
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I'm so sorry, mama.
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#132 of 140 Old 01-10-2008, 10:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm missing him so much today, and especially this evening. I just watched his video on youtube, and I cried the whole way through. If anyone could spare them, I could just use some hugs. I feel pathetic asking, but I'm asking anyway.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#133 of 140 Old 01-10-2008, 11:24 PM
 
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Misty, mama to my nurslings William(11/4/02) and Parker(7/13/04).
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#134 of 140 Old 01-10-2008, 11:26 PM
 
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(((Elisabeth))) It is a fantastic video. Hugs to you. My deepest sympathies to you tonight.

Christine. Unschooling mom to Hollis, Zobey, Zeda, Anna, and Wednesday. We have a lot invested in this whole family thing with marriage kids and a mortgage. You don't just give up on the whole deal when it gets difficult.
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#135 of 140 Old 01-10-2008, 11:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
I miss him. The other day I tripped in the kitchen while the kids were eating, and my mind prepared to hear James laughing (he thought slapstick stuff was Sssooooooooo funny). My heart shattered into a thousand pieces at the silence.

Oh mama. I just saw this thread. I'm so so sorry.
Lots of these for you:









James' video is so beautiful.
He is so beautiful
And as he got older..boy, really handsome.
And with such a toothy, winning smile.
I bet his smile melted and lighted many hearts while he walked on this earth.
He was loved so much... that I can see in his radiant smiles.
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#136 of 140 Old 01-10-2008, 11:45 PM
 
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Honest to god you popped into my head a few hours ago (i've been reading along for 3 months) and I reminded myself to come by here and finally post.

I just went and watched James' YouTube movie again. What a joy! His smile could not be any bigger. I cannot pretend to imagine what those lonely, sad days are like for you but I can say that James' life has touched even total strangers. I cried here with you more than once, I thought about his siblings at Christmastime and I came here tonight specifically to tell you that.

I lost a daughter late in pregnancy (not the same thing....I know) and I lost my father last year (again.....not to compare but that's all I have as experiences). A can say that while the ache never goes away, the pain and urgency subsides. Eventually you'll have more good days than bad days. The good memories will outnumber the bad feelings. Over time, you will feel better. But of course you will always miss him. He was loved.

Thinking lots about you, mama. Many hugs for you. I'm about to get a glass of wine and work on a scrapbook....I'll send my (slightly inebriated) vibes of peace to you.

love and peace....

Heather
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#137 of 140 Old 01-11-2008, 01:08 AM
 
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#138 of 140 Old 01-11-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
I'm missing him so much today, and especially this evening. I just watched his video on youtube, and I cried the whole way through. If anyone could spare them, I could just use some hugs. I feel pathetic asking, but I'm asking anyway.
You're not pathetic. You are loved and surrounded by women who are capable of holding you in your difficult times. I send you peace and healing mama.

afro.jpg
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#139 of 140 Old 01-11-2008, 01:54 AM
 
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#140 of 140 Old 01-11-2008, 02:14 AM
 
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I have to admit that I waited a long time before I let myself look at the video because the way you described him in your post really stirred the emotions up. I did pretty good until the pic of him sitting shirtless in the sand .

He's beautiful and your love for him is so strong that I am sure he can feel it even now.
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